Shyness in School-Aged Children
See also: More Advice about Shyness
Parent Q&A
Archived Q&A and Reviews
- Shyness & introversion in kindergartener
- Shy Kindergartener or Language problem?
- Socially uncomfortable 8-year-old
Shyness & introversion in kindergartener
Nov 2003
Hi-We just had our parent-teacher conference and the teacher told us that our kindergartner son is a bit introverted. I just read the archives on shyness, but I am not sure that it is the same thing as being introverted. He enjoys school and has regular playmates at recess. I guess the issue is that he does not necessarily respond to all social advances. Anyone know of anything I can do to help my son become more outgoing? thanks in advance
you make it sound like introversion is a bad thing. and you are right, introversion is not the same as shyness. you will not be able to force your child to be an extrovert. you can just teach him to say ''no, thank you'' (rather than just ignore requests) if he doesn't wish to engage with others. forcing the issue will make him very uncomfortable. introverted mom of introverted kids
I find the Myers-Briggs personality types useful (and fun) to learn about; introversion vs. extraversion is one aspect of their analysis. You can find tons of books on Myers-Briggs at the library or bookstore: one easy intro is Type Talk by Otto Kroeger and Janet M. Thuesen. Those who study personality type through this lens also address children and temperament. (Some books explicitly about children and type: Nurture by Nature by Paul D. Tieger and Barbara Barron-Tieger, and Understanding Your Child's Personality by David A. Stoop.) They warn against trying to turn introverts (maybe 25% of the population) into extraverts, and Type Talk notes the importance of letting these kids do things at their own pace. As an introverted child I was lucky to have parents who valued my personality traits as strengths. That said, I know they also had to help guide me and encourage me to step beyond my comfort zone at times. (One random example: they'd have me phone in our pizza order when I was a pre-teen or so, to help me be more adept at situations like that. I don't remember them ever pressuring me to be more extraverted, though.) I think that your interest in learning about temperament can only help your child be happy in a largely-extraverted world. happy introvert
I found the book ''The Highly Sensitive Child'' informative. Also ''The Highly Sensitive Person'' helped me understand myself a lot better! J12
If your son is happy & doing well in school (and you say he has friends too) I certainly would not worry about the way some teacher is labelling him. Not responding to all social overtures sounds like a positive trait to me, not a negative one. Being an extreme introvert can be a problem in modern society, but mildly introverted is great, in my opinion. I think the worst thing you could do would be to send your son a message that there is anything substandard about his perfectly normal, nice personality. Extroverts -Who Needs 'Em
Is your son's shyness creating problems for him? If not, I wouldn't really worry about it. The world is made up of lots of different types of people -- thankfully so. Imagine a world of loud-mouthed, out-going, extroverts. I always test as an introvert on the Meyers-Brigg exam, although I am a very social person. I take it to mean that I am thoughtful, think before speaking, and listen to others.
My advice? Give it time. Why do I know? I'm an introvert...which is a fancy term for shy and prefers to play/be alone or socialize with only a few children, as opposed to extroverted, which is outgoing. There is NOTHING wrong with being an introvert, we're just less common than extroverted folks and harder to read, especially for teachers. They want to feel every child is really into what they're doing and really wants to be involved. For introverts, getting ''involved'' in an activity takes a lot of comfort with the situation...and time.
My daughter is the same, and her p/s teacher pulled me aside early last year to let me know of her ''concerns'' about my daughter because she was so reserved and reluctant to join in. I assured the teacher that all she needed was time, and she would come out of her shell...the same thing I went through every year of school. So, I'd say if your child is enjoying school and playing with other kids, there's nothing to worry about! a fellow introvert
What's wrong with being introverted? Your best bet is to accept your son the way he is. Karen S.
I do not think of shyness and introversion as necessarily the same thing. Furthermore, introversion is a temperament style and is not a problem!!! Sure, introverts are more likely to feel uncomfortable in certain social situations than extroverts and may do well to learn some techniques for coping with stress related to public situations, but that doesn't mean that they have to stop being introverts. In fact, they can't.
Shyness, of course, can become problematic for people and can interfere with someone's social well-being. (Just a note -- I know plenty of basically extroverted people who experience shyness in certain types of situations.)
There was a great short piece at the end of an Atlantic Monthly a few months ago about being an introvert in an extrovert- centric world. Quite amusing, but also good food for thought. The basic message was: stop trying to fix us because we're not broken. extrovert married to an introvert
Shy Kindergartener or Language problem?
April 1999
The kindergarten teachers told us that our 5-year-old daughter is having trouble answering questions in class even though they know she knows the answer. They see the light bulb go off in her head, but when they call on her she freezes and no answer is forthcoming. (Whereas this happens to everyone occasionally, it seems to happen to her quite often. We don't see thisat home.) I attribute it to shyness, but a family counselor thinks my daughter may have a word retrieval problem (she knows what something is, but can't think of the word) and has recommended that she undergo a speech andlanguage evaluation. The counselor recommended two places for the evaluation: Amy Faltz and Associates and Gage Herman at Children's Hospital. However, our insurance will only pay for it if it's done at Alta Bates/Herricks. Does anyone have anything to say (good or bad) regarding any of these three places? (There is a one-liner on Gage Herman in UCB Parents.) Shyness? Word retrieval problem? Any ideas about whatelse it could be? Does anyone have any words of wisdom or experience with the problem my daughter is said to have?
Gage Herman is a genius, a wonderful person, and extremely supportive to me when I brought my daughter in for speech therapy. I cannot say enough about her.
For more speech therapy recommendations, see: Recommendations: Speech Therapists
Socially uncomfortable 8-year-old
April 1999
I am interested in hearing from other parents of shy children, or adults who were shy as children. I have an 8 year old daughter who is very stoic and socially uncomfortable. She doesn't like sharing vulnerable feelings (even with her warm, loving parents!), and always looks stiff and uncomfortable in new and familiar surroundings. She does get invited to lots of birthday parties, in part, I think, because of my close connections to many of the moms of the kids in her class. She always wants to go to the parties, but often returns looking quite strained. She has one good friend who she has lots of play dates with. She *loves* school and begs to go even when she is ill. I suppose if school was that stressful, she wouldn't want to go. It's hard for me to observe her in class and in other situations where she looks so uncomfortable. At home, she is like a different kid--funny, talkative. Her teachers say she's doing fine, that she is quiet, not shy. I'm not convinced they know her very well. I believe that the smart, quiet (shy) girl often goes unnoticed. Whenever I volunteer in the classroom she looks visibly strained to me. Of course it's possible she behaves differently when I'm not around...
I guess the bottom line is I don't know how much to worry about my daughter nor do I know how to best support her. I would appreciate any tips from parents of children with my daughter's temperament. Also, are there any good books on this topic? Thank you.
I recently heard a show (maybe Forum on KQED?) about shyness and there was a representative of The Shyness Institute on it. I believe they are in Palo Alto and they have a web site at www.shyness.com. I looked it up because I too have a shy daughter (4 1/2) who sounds much like your little girl--open, funny and talkative at home, and very reserved and uncomfortable in group situations. The web site had a book list and when I emailed them they sent back some titles of books for parents. I also did a search on Amazon.com for children's books about shyness and came up with some good ones in her age range. Good luck!
While I was a student at Stanford, I remember hearing about a Shyness Clinic run by psychologists at Stanford University. They may have some valuable resources for you. The phone number for the Stanford Shyness Study is (650) 723-7498. I have heard many wonderful things about this program/study.
Your daughter sounds a bit like me as a child. I loved school, performed very well, but was often extremely self- conscious/uncomfortable, particularly in elementary school. I was very aware of the social pecking order (and perceived my place in it as very low), extremely worried about embarrassment, and utterly terrified of boys (particularly the popular ones). I think I didn't speak to a boy from about 3rd grade through 6th! I did better in junior high and high school when I was able to surround myself with friends and when the intellectual pecking order (in which I excelled) ecame more important. My early self-consciousness is probably deeply connected to my becoming a sociologist as an adult. If your daughter's shyness doesn't get in the way of her enjoying school and she has the skills to make one-on-one friends (even if she doesn't excel in larger group situations), I wouldn't worry too much. It must be hard to see her be uncomfortable, but there may not be much you can do. It may be that having a sensitive, self-aware temperament may just make it difficult to be a child in the kinds of groups kids are expected to enjoy.
It sounds like your daughter might benefit from a good counselor, who can help her overcome some of the issues she is dealing with and also help her be more comfortable in social situations. This does not sound like just quiet to me; it's sounds painfully familiar! I was very shy as a child, and was in my mid-20's before I really got over it. There's probably no cure for shyness, but it doesn't have to cause a lot of pain; I hope she doesn't have to suffer the way I did!
I am an adult who was painfully shy as a child. Your description of your daughter sounds almost identical to my memories. I was very comfortable at home, until strangers came, or even extended family members. I remember I have a cousin who is 17 years older than I am. I was very close to him when I was a child, he was in the Navy and stationed near our home. I saw him quite often, until he went out on his ship. I cried when he came back because he had a beard. I think it is actually change that I didn't like. I was never comfortable when my Mom came to my classroom because she wasn't supposed to be there. I wanted her there but something was out of place when she got there. She wasn't part of my routine. I gradually grew up and more comfortable with my surroundings. I'm sure your daughter gets invited to lots of parties because she has lots of friends. Don't assume because you don't see it, she doesn't have friends and interact while you're not there. Again, being uncomfortable after a party may just be from being somewhere that was new. I don't think you should worry too much right now. Some of shy folks just don't automatically open up, even with our parents. Good luck.
PS I think I do pretty well now, I had a job in Personnel for several years and there I met new people every day. If your daughters teachers don't see her as being a recluse, I'm sure things will be just fine.
If the child has a good friend, is willing to go to parties and enjoys school, I'd say relax and let her work it out on her own. I think it's natural for a lot of people to be shy in certain situations. As much as we, as parents, would like to fix everything for our kids, we have to admit that we can't resolve everything for them, and sometimes we make it worse by being too anxious ourselves. I'm sure I was shy many times as a child and I don't think my mother could have done anything to make me feel more comfortable. In fact, I have plenty of memories of wishing she would back off a bit and given me a chance to find my own way.
Shelly Hansen in Oakland helped our son a lot at that age.your son might also need support before going to college, social demands change rapidly then.
Good luck!
I'm not sure how helpful this will be, but this sounds a lot like me when I was a kid. Although I did have a select few close friends as a child, I was generally very shy with other kids and would take a lot of warming up before I felt comfortable enough to jump in and play. I also sometimes just preferred to play alone. My mom used to say that when she would pick me up from daycare she would see other kids come up to try to play with me, and I would kind of just ignore them. (I still sometimes suspect I might be "on the spectrum" myself, but I've never sought or had a diagnosis.) As I got older, my shyness developed into pretty serious social anxiety. At a school dance or other kind of social event, I often hung out on the sidelines: I never knew what to say or do with my hands or body. I'm sure I would have benefited from some therapy with a compassionate and sensitive psychologist, and it seems likely your son might too.
More to your point, I also think that my parents' anxiety about my anxiety was absolutely part of the problem. I'm not sure I would have so thoroughly pathologized my own shy- and solitariness had I not been made to feel like it was something to conquer rather than just another part of who I am. So I would urge you to tread lightly on the topic. Social anxiety and awkwardness are often not things you can just get over, and trying to "fix" them can sometimes merely heighten their discomfort.
Finally, I just want to say that while my early junior high school years were socially excruciating, things started looking up for me by high school. Perhaps this is not true of your son, but I found that what was best for me was to have a few very core genuine friends and not to worry too much about engaging in big groups or events. As long as I had a buddy to navigate these situations with, I was fine. (And I think that if I had not been made to feel like there was something weird about hanging out alone, I would have been fine just observing by myself as well.) I have by no means missed out on friends and fun—I just tend to like them in smaller quantities than many others do.
I really appreciate your thoughtful replies
Hi - I would encourage you to get your son a full psychological evaluation for your son including Autism spectrum. I am responding as someone who wishes she had done this for her own son 8 years ago. My son was always very quiet and though he did participate in sports, he sounds much like your son. I thought I was honoring who he was -- it turns out that he has -- and likely always had -- severe social anxiety. We are still waiting on an evaluation, but he might be very high functioning autistic. I was never fond of labels, but I wish I had known more about my sweet guy earlier. At the very least you might be able to get him in a social skills therapy group. I wish you all the luck -- it sounds like you are doing a good job.
I have an outgoing and generally social child. Child usually has no problem making new friends at camps, playgrounds, etc. However, I have observed that even my wonderfuly bubbly child sometimes freezes up at parties. A larger group setting is not easy. Even for adults. How many of us dread going to a party where we know one or two people and we don't know a lot of people very well. Remember the horrible networking mixers? It's not comfortable. It makes one feel vulnerable. Sometimes my child clams up at parties and wants to stay with me instead of play with other kids. I support how the child is feeling that day. If your son has friends whose company he really enjoys and and activities that he likes doing with those friends, I would encourage and support those. His idea of fun may not be a large group activity. If he is having trouble engaging with peers at recess at school and lunch time or he cannot name one or two BFF, I'd be concerned.