Is my introversion a liability for my toddler?
My husband and I are parents to a 20 month old. She is our first child, no other siblings. To put it bluntly, neither of us has any friends and our families are scattered across the country. We are both relatively introverted, but not unfriendly and have no real issues navigating social situations, should we find ourselves in one, though a decade plus of unpleasant interactions in various customer service jobs has made me more skittish of new people. (Though I’m no longer working I think I have a leftover tendency to view everyone as a customer rather than a peer, which can make me feel somewhat “apart.”)
Anyhow, I’ve noticed our daughter has a tendency to just stare at other kids at the playground and doesn’t seem to get up the gumption to interact. She smiles and points but doesn’t seem to want to actually have a direct interaction. It’s possible that I’m totally projecting, but lately I’ve been worried that our absence of a social life, in combination with the general distancing brought about by Covid (which is all she knows) will affect her negatively. Like, preschool could be very difficult to say the least. She has had fun playing with her young cousins the handful of times she saw them when they were still living in California, loves video chatting with family, and is generally a bright and curious individual and at home even something of a ham…just not at the playground. Is it too early to be concerned about rubbing off on her? Basically is this a wait and see sort of thing or an ‘act now, preschool approacheth’ thing? Help?
Parent Replies
Too soon! Even once she starts preschool there will be a normal period of continued “parallel play” which is developmentally appropriate at this age. Eventually she’ll start cooperative play. Her teachers will help guide you and reassure you!
Her behavior sounds age appropriate. I would give opportunity for social interaction such as park outings, but I think it's not a point of concern t the moment. My daughter is almost 3 now and she went through the same thing with kids at the park and even smaller playdates. They're exploring so much at this stage already.
It is too early to be concerned. At age 20 month, kids still do a lot of parallel playing. Preschool will be a great place for your child to explore social skills. She may be introverted but that is ok! If you guys can help her start a team sport like soccer, that could also be very helpful for her to have interactions with non-school friends and be socially more flexible. Our child hates sports but she loves to dance and in dance class, she has an opportunity to interact with non-school friends. Our child happens to be fairly outgoing but her best friend is an introvert. They make a great pair. Her friend was the kind of kid that stayed back, observed and rarely spoke in school but she is very easy going and a sought after friend. It is interesting. If you do get invited to play dates, pursue and if your child starts preschool or kinder and starts talking about a kid fondly, do reach out to them for a playdate. Don’t worry about the longevity of the relationship. Kids also need to learn that some relationships stay and some don’t but each interaction is enriching in its own way. (My spouse is an extreme introvert and shares many of the worries that you expressed and often projects his social anxiety on the child.) It can be triggering and not easy to navigate and kids’ birthday parties can be an arduous ordeal but it is for the child. Good luck!
There are pros and cons of being introverted/extroverted. I would really recommend the book The Child Code by Danielle Dick - it talks about how genetics influences kids’ personalities and how understanding their disposition (on the scale of intro-/extraversion and others) can help you figure out what is and isn’t reasonable to expect of your kid. Basically there are ways to help an introverted kid come out of their shell, but they will likely always be introverted to some extent.
What you described at the playground sounds pretty normal to me for a 20 month old. I have a year social 3 year old who has many friends and interactions with people outside our home and she totally did (and often still does) the “toddler stare” at the playground or anytime she is with new kids, especially older kids. I think they are studying and are just waiting until they are ready to interact.
I wouldn't worry too much at 20 months, when she is in preschool, she will have plenty of social interaction. However, I would encourage you to choose schools that have strong parent communities. Some of the best memories of my children's early days are the times spent with other families doing fun things together. I understand your aversion, but to answer your question, yes, it could be a liability, because we need interaction with other human beings for all sorts of things to grow emotionally healthy. I have a friend whose family is pretty isolated, like yours, and her kids have grown to be distrusting of others, and I would describe them as generally not that happiest family or kids, it's kind of sad to see. They develop an us vs. the world attitude that is pretty unfortunate. Your daughter may have inherited your social aversion, but I would encourage you to model a better way - even if it is just a few family friends, it will do wonders to expand her world and her life. Good luck!
It is wonderful that you have good insights into your own temperament and are willing to adapt to help your child with social skills.
With two introvert parents, is quite possible that she will turn out to be an introvert, too, but kids can always surprise us.
I am a major extrovert with a daughter (now adult) who has always been an introvert. This took me quite a few years to figure out.
My advice is to take the social integration process very slowly, so that it is within your own comfort zone. Look into finding a mother-toddler playgroup where you can gradually get acquainted with some other moms. See how that goes.
Select a preschool with a very limited schedule to start with. Broadway Children's School in the Adams Point district of Oakland may still have the Parents and Children Together (PACT) program, where the parent and two-year-old child come together for two hours 2 days per week. Then you can see who your little one likes to play with, and arrange a play date.
Be alert for situations where an older child might intrude or bully, and get on top of that immediately.
After a gradual introduction to social situations, your daughter will be well equipped for half-day preschool. If she turns out to be an extrovert who is happy to play with others all day, be alert for when she starts to show fatigue. The goal is to transition away from the social situation before it can become stressful.
My two cents.
Fellow introvert here. I don’t know whether the introversion will be a challenge for my kids, but I did want to pipe in with some reassurance. My twin are 2.5 years old. When they were 20 month they were definitely not interacting with others at the playground, and were very shy when meeting new adults or kids. But they started preschool a few months ago and have done great - they interact with the kids there and we just did a play date with one of their classmates where they just had the greatest time.
For me, I think my approach will be to look for places where I need to push myself to be a bit more outgoing to support my child (like setting up a play date), but also not buy into society’s overvaluation of extroversion by worrying too much about my kids’ social interactions if they seem comfortable with them. If my child doesn’t immediately make best friends with a new kid at the playground, that’s okay. If she doesn’t want to chat with a brand new adult, that’s okay. I’ll offer opportunities for them to socialize if they want, and, once they’re older support if they need it.
I actually believe that introversion/extroversion are entirely the kid's personality. My sister is VERY extroverted, and the rest of our family is the complete opposite. All hermit homebodies if left to our own devices. I do like conversing with people, but preferably online. 1-on-1 or tiny groups if in person.
I was that introverted, observant child. It was just how my personality was. There are literally videos of me at 6yo sitting at the corner of the couch, watching my sister and cousins play. I don't remember having a hard time in preschool, and I had friends in elementary and high school. I got along with other kids (found the fellow introverts, haha), I just wasn't the social butterfly my sister was. As an adult, I work extremely well with people, get along with all roommates and colleagues, have a pretty robust professional network, and have a very healthy relationship with my (hermit homebody) husband. Being introverted is not the same thing as being antisocial.
For what it's worth, my sister exercised her extroversion through school and after-school activities. My mom joked all she did was sign the checks for the activities, haha. She didn't get involved. (A plus for living close enough to our school and various activities to bike to! And my sister got her permit as soon as she could)
Sounds pretty normal for a 20 month old! My kiddo was definitely an observer at that stage, and she's thriving in preschool. I would try to follow your child's lead and not worry too much about if you're rubbing off on her :) She'll figure the social thing out in time.
Just to add what folks are saying- I completely get where you're coming from: my partner and I are both introverts and our toddler, because of little family nearby, the pandemic and few opportunities to spend consistent time with other kids- seems to be an introvert. She's shied away from other kids, made us say thank you or acknowledge others' presence when they talk to her, and we were worried. I know that many institutions- particularly schools- cater to extroverts- and we were worried it would hurt her in the long run. That said, I will say don't worry, as hard as that is. Just this week, our kid (now 26mns) approached another toddler to ask her name and a few days later sat down on a bench with another toddler. She's never done ANYTHING like this before. I don't know why/what changed, but she felt like doing it, did it, and it went fine. My advice would be : 1. try to give your child opportunities, if you can, to be near other kids- even if it's just parallel play or observing the other kids play. 2. Try not to push- someone taught me the phrase "it's okay to explore; we'll be here" to gently coax her to go off and see what other kids are doing while knowing her home base is around, but if she wants to stay close, let her. 3. try not to hold onto the image/definition of her as an introvert- introversion/extroversion isn't really developed until much later, so know that your child can/might change, if you give her room to do so.
You might try a co-op preschool where you and your child will have the opportunity to have social interactions with peers. Both my kids attended a co-op for toddlers and this was a great induction to regular drop off preschool. It was also a nice way to meet other families.
100% developmentally normal at this stage. I'm an extremely social person, and my kid (same age as yours!) looooooves kids and talks about kids constantly..... when we're not around them. Yesterday we went to a party and she yelled "Party! Kids!" over and over before we went. When we got there she clung to me like a limpet, stared at the other kids for a while, and eventually (after maybe an hour and a half) played with a toy in the vicinity of some other kids. Then we went home and she told my partner "Kids!!! Fun! Party!" really excitedly. Similarly we went to the beach with another kid, she did not interact with the kid for even a minute, and then when we came home she talked about that kid nonstop. They're little, it takes a long time for them to figure out how to actually play with other kids.
If you have the money to put her in a preschool type program a couple days a week, I think a couple mornings a week where she seems the same kids might help her have more interactions. We can't make that work on top of our other set-up, so our kid gets parks.
Lots of good responses here already. I just want to add that observation is among the first ways children learn and play. If you think about how much there is to learn about the people, what they are doing, how you would get into that mix, etc. you can understand why observation is important. Observing is part of "group entry skills" children this age are working on. Children also step back out of play and play solo when they need to consolidate what they have learned. Allow your child to engage at her own pace and she will do it.
I really appreciate how many strengths and capabilities you recognize in your child. And I also appreciate your awareness that you may be projecting. Nothing wrong with being an introvert! Great to be aware of your own style, but your child will develop their own style and it may change as they grow.
Sometimes being a parent makes the distance from family and friends that was once fine seem like a missing piece -- to us. Yet, being a parent of a young child is the stage of life when many of us adults make great new lifelong friends! So keep creating opportunities at the park and and don't worry!
I want to thank everyone so much for their thoughtful responses. They went a long way toward easing my anxieties about the subject. It’s of no consequence to me whether my daughter skews introvert or extrovert, I simply want to make sure that I’m not standing in her way with all my adult baggage. Growing pains: they’re not just for kids, that’s for sure. Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to the park to stare. :)