Parents getting "canceled" by young adult children

Hello there -

My experience with this is from the kid side - I "cancelled" my parents also as a young adult for a few months. I think it was one of the best things I could have ever done, although I see now, as a parent, how painful this can be for the parents. I did it when I started therapy and needed a break from them, because too many intense feelings of anger were coming up. And it was the first time that *I set firm boundaries, asserting myself as an adult and no longer just their child. We did have some good conversations about these topics after I worked through them. But confronting my parents with my raw emotions would probably have caused a true, longlasting rift.
o I hope you can be patient, and have faith that your child will "return" to you - with new insights about her childhood. And that you will be able to work through this together if you can stay open to her POV. I'd lighly recommend offering her family therapy at that point, just to create a safe space for all of you. My relationship with my mom (who was the one open to a dialogue) is today more loving than ever. Sending you hope and strength! 

The tone and focus of your query is off.  First, "cancelling" is not some new phenomena.  Since the dawn of time people have distanced themselves from others who hurt them.  Focusing on whether it is this new "cancelling" trend does not go anywhere to resolve your problem.  Listen to what your daughter is saying.  She says you should have divorced your ex-husband earlier.  It is time to find out what that is about if you don't know already.  Speak with your daughter.  Offer to meet with her with a therapist who will give both of you to communicate in a constructive way.  You may or may not have done anything wrong in your upbringing.  But until you communicate with her in a safe space you will not be able to heal your relationship.

I think it is very much a stage that young adults go through. I am 63, but I remember at age 20 I went home for the summer and I was very short and angry in all my interactions with my parents. They finally sat me down to say that they felt I acted like I hated them. I was very angry because I felt that they didn't appreciate me for who I was, their love and approval always felt conditional on whether I got good grades in college, did the things they wanted me to, and whether I was thin and pretty enough. I wanted them to spend more time listening to me, understand on an empathetic level how the things they did affected me, not always acting like they had all the answers for me, to help me to understand what was right for me in my life, and to show unconditional love regardless of my weight, accomplishments, compliance with their expectations. I recommend brushing up on reflective and empathetic listening skills, maybe try to understand how she felt about what she went through, let her know that you have confidence that she will make decisions that are right for her, and that you love her unconditionally. Every time I tried to bring up the things that happened to me that were difficult, my mom would get extremely defensive and act like a martyr. Our communication completely broke down. Maybe she would benefit from a therapist too.

I'm sorry you are in such a painful situation. As a middle-aged person who cancelled my mother and father at 18, I can tell you it's been a thing for as long as there have been parents and children. Canceling is painful—for both parties involved. The person who cancels is suffering and dealing with the suffering in a mis-guided way. How very unfortunate that canceling as a way to deal with conflict is trending on social media.

Since our daughter is living with you, I assume that she is financially dependent on you, at least to some extent. Have compassion for her, and find brief moments to engage with her—not pushing, prodding, or demanding she speak with you, just attempting to connect (a pleasant "Good Morning" even if met with a glare). Her behavior is harmful to both of you. You might consider validating her feelings, noting that this makes for a difficult living situation, and asking her to attend counseling, either individually or together to address the problems. It may take some time to establish a safe enough baseline where she feels she can trust you to be calm and open for her to share with you what she is trying to process on her own for now. Be patient and consider working with a therapist or counselor yourself—resentment can built when living with some who is hostile toward you.

I recently divorced, later than I should have, but when I was able to. My daughter ghosted/canceled her father when she left for college last year. She has gone through periods of no communication with me. Fortunately, she and I both work intentionally on our relationship, and it continues to improve and grow as something really special. Her father does not. She has minimal contact, only as she feels necessary given that he is providing half of her financial support for the time being. She has done her best to tell him when she needs no contact for a specified time (e.g., 6 months), although he cannot seem to honor her needs. I don't know what the future holds for them, but I do think it will take him validating her feelings, owning his part in the situation, and engaging with her openly for their relationship to improve.

I wish you well, and encourage you to not sit back and wait this out. She's letting you know she's suffering and doesn't know how to safely talk with you about it.

Except in cases of genuine abuse, long-term conflict avoidance hardly seems like a good solution, although an adolescent might see it as a cool/easy answer. (I had to remind myself from time to time that kids are adolescents until roughly 27, since the brain isn't completely matured until then: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/the-teen-brain-7-things-to…). Your daughter might or might not be right that you should have broken up sooner with her dad, but she's still too young to understand that not every life-changing decision is as simple as she might believe.

While my situation was less serious, I remember those occasional outbursts and silences over real and perceived hurts. They were painful for everyone involved. I finally learned to either wait for it to blow over, or to calmly say that I loved her, wanted her to feel understood, and was willing to sit down and listen whenever she felt ready to talk, but for now was okay with distance. This worked, eventually, more often than not; mostly our girl just wanted me to acknowledge her emotions, and then she'd rant a bit about stuff--often stuff that really had nothing to do with our relationship--and clear her mind, and she felt safe doing so with me. You can always try the occasional text or voicemail to ask how she's getting along, or something like that, so she'll still feel loved. Our kids do love us, even when they're being mean or insensitive, and they do come back. Best wishes.

I just heard a story about this on NPR - I'm so sorry this is happening to you! You may want to check out this book: Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict by Joshua Coleman. I think he's local to the Bay Area and has a FB page and groups. This is my new parenting nightmare......wishing you all the best!!

Hi, I was one of those young people that "canceled" my mom when I was around 19 years old. I broke contact with her (including financially) and didn't talk to her for about 6-9 months. It was probably the best thing I ever did for myself: I set boundaries, got a job, found a place to live, and tried to figure out who *I* was without having my mom sitting and staring at me, judging me for everything I did. I know my mom loved me but she was SO MUCH. We had a lot of emotional baggage together and it was really hard to filter that out, along with everything else I was going through (trying to go to college, figure out my sexuality, try to have romantic relationships, be an adult, etc) so I just set that boundary. It was a great lesson for all involved. I think this can be a good lesson for you too. Please consider respecting your daughter's boundaries and/or possibly consider going to therapy, with or without her, so you can better understand where she's coming from. 

FWIW, my mom and I have a great relationship now, 30 years later. It's not perfect, but it's better. 

I think that older teens/young adults need time and space to separate and become adults. Your daughter may have underlying issues from childhood to uncover and resolve, or she could be one of the entitled members of Gen Z who speak only in monosyllables for no justifiable reason. I would say give her space to separate. That's what we, as parents, want in the long run for our children, so that they can be responsible, mature, independent grownups. This takes time, so be patient. 

For the past ten years or so I have spoken infrequently with my own mother, for many reasons that would take too long to enumerate here, and at age 90 she's not going to change. I sometimes think, "I don't ever want to be a mother like she is now to my own kids." And so, I am very careful when dealing with my own young-adult kids: to not pass judgment, to be supportive as much as possible, to listen, to be fair to each of them, to never get stuck in my own way of doing things, to be open-minded, and to try to see things from their perspective.

I can speak from the kid side of this.  I on and off again asked for space in my early 20’s and my Mom couldn’t do it.  It starts in the teen years- when kids want to have their own ideas and try on different ways of life.  About having opinions about when to divorce and timing- it’s an immature comment but you have to take the high road.  She wants to process this time with you- so I’d just either listen and shake your head uhh huh…. Or validate the feelings and really see her point of view.  My situation turned out to be discovering out a past of tortuous emotional abuse- which I suspected all along- and major gaslighting to the point where I get treated as an outcast lots of other places cause I don't know how to be considered important.  The fact is kids are kids even while an adult- you will always have to take the high rode cause your kid counts on you to model this.  My mother never took the high road and I had to make some painful decisions in my 30’s- she never caught on.  Whatever you do- I would say be the person you want her to be as far as morals and values and she may mirror that back.  

I'm so sorry you're going through this painful experience. My child is too young but I have experienced it from a child perspective. I know it doesn't make it better but the fact that your daughter can share with you why she is "ghosting" or "distancing" from you provides a sliver of hope and an opening for you to work through the issues together or for her to work through her issues and reconcile in the future. I recommend that you work with your own therapist as well. 

I am at a point where there is zero hope for reconciliation and I have declared my father dead to me about 10 years ago. I send the obligatory birthday presents and make a brief phone call on a major holiday and his birthday. I don't want to know anything about his life and I don't want to share anything about my life with him. I say what he wants to hear from me and be done with it. I explored this with my therapist for many years and I have decided that the benefit I would gain would not outweigh the time, effort, work, and pain required to reconcile with my father. With my mother, I often wondered whether there would be a chance for reconciliation. But, every time I try to open up and talk about my issues with her, her words hurt me more. So, I am taking a similar approach now. I left home as a teenager and living away from my parents was one of the best and healthiest things I did that put me on a path of academic and social success. In my youth, I'd often go several weeks to a couple of months without talking with my parents. I was and am the happiest when I have a prolonged period of not speaking with my parents. I do feel bad that my parents were worried about my safety and I sure hope that my child won't disappear like I did. 

I consider my parents narcissistic, verbally abusive, emotionally unstable, controlling, and they were physically abusive when I was little. However, the interesting thing is they do not think they are bad parents. They believe that they have gone above and beyond to be the best parents they could and made tremendous sacrifices for me. So, they don't understand why I am so cold to them. They just think I'm a very cold hearted person. (I'm actually a very extroverted, warm, and affectionate person who likes to smile and hug just about everyone I meet.)

This dynamic makes me think, as parents, we all think we are doing our best and many of us are, but there will always be something that disappoints the child. My hope is that my child's disappointment in me will not be as catastrophic as mine was. 

I hope your daughter will return to you and as adults, you and your daughter can have a mutually respectful friendship and mother - daughter relationship.