Considering single motherhood at 42

My starting situation was slightly different from yours, but I have raised my daughter alone for the past 14 years, since she was 3 (ex-husband moved out of state and neither of us made enough money that there was any support situation; I also have family close by who was helpful for holidays and emergencies). If you want a child you should totally do it! I can't imagine not being a mom; we are almost like the Gilmore Girls.

Since I knew I couldn't "do it all," just as one adult of modest means, I focused on stability -- both of us getting enough sleep, mostly healthful food, and a safe, quiet home. Anything/everything else was just extra that either I could or couldn't make work for the moment, and we have thrived.

At first I joined a single parents group but it really wasn't for me -- no one was happy or thankful for what they had -- I really didn't understand the bitch-fest.

The first year is the hardest, not the baby, but the other things like laundry and cooking.

Good Luck!

Hi,  There is a large network of thinkers, tryers and single mom's out there to support you with your decision, logistics and process.  Look into "Single Mothers by Choice (SMC)."  There is a very active, supportive group in the Bay Area.   My son is now 17, so it has been a few years since I have been involved with the group.  Start with googling "Single Mothers by Choice" and looking at some books on Single Parenting and I'm sure there are current resources listed.  SMC provided so much of what I  needed in so many ways.  

If you are wondering about how much your family will support you, ask them directly.  I moved to the Bay Area because I had family living nearby thinking they might be helpful.  They did not assist me much.  I realize now that talking more directly with them about my desire to have them be part of my son's life before I moved here might have brought about a different, more connected scenario.

Single motherhood is the most wonderful, meaningful, difficult, intense thing I've ever done. 

Grateful to be a 59-yr.-old single Mom to a now 17 yr. old son.

I am a single mother. No family lives near. I was 46 when I adopted my little one. It has been so hard and Such a Joy!!! I am thrilled to be a mom. I have much less energy than I used to. I figured it out; what works changes all the time. Prioritizing the basics - regular healthy meals and regular enough sleep - for both of us -  has helped probably the most. Good Luck! 

Hi there, I had a child on my own at age 40; it is TOUGH, but do-able. You are definitely not alone in your desire to have a child, for most of us SMC's (Single Mothers by Choice), it's not a first choice maybe, but it's an affirmative choice of strength and resilience. I'm not sure if you've figured out how you'll do this (by what route), but it's pretty likely you'll find the support and just plain knowledge (there are many questions, whether it's fertility, or adoption) of like-minded women helpful. My daughters grown now, but at the time I went through it there was both a local SMC organization, as well as the not-always-connected-to-local, but still helpful, national SMC organization. (The disconnect between the 2 was weird, but who knows if that's even still relevant). Check them out. During my pregnancy and my daughters early years, I went to lots of meetings, and found the sharing helpful. 

All of what im saying may just be too general, ortoo dated, to be of help, but I hope you will take the plunge rather than "waiting" or denying yourself that pleasure and life choice. If you want to reach me directly that's fine with me, but honestly I don't know how to do that. (Used to be via the moderators but I don't really know). Best of luck to you!  Don't deny yourself. 

(I saw a response that mentioned some single moms groups that were "bitch feasts"; SMC's are a different breed and while no-one denies that it's difficult, this is a very life-affirming choice you will have made and the concerns in many ways don't overlap those of formerly-partnered single moms)

ITA with the previous poster - go for it!  I had Jr. at 42 and my marriage crumbled during the pregnancy.  It was a little uncomfortable at pre-natal appointments and (especially) the delivery room with all the intact happy families around, but I managed.  The hardest part was going back to work after birth and piecing together child care.  I found an organization in North Oakland, Bananas, very helpful in finding resources and alternatives.  Also, I confided my situation to my midwife who was very supportive and helpful before, during and after my pregnancy.   

My son is now a teenager (le sigh), and we've had some real honest conversations about why his father and I are no longer married.  We had some bumps early in elementary school when we were the "unique" family, but as he got older and families became my more diverse, this became less of an issue; and, frankly, the differences led to some of our most insightful conversations.  I feel very lucky now that my teenager feels that he can ask me any question and I will be transparent with my answer, even if it's not always the answer either of us wants to hear.   I've had others comment on how close our relationship is though we're at the prickly years, and I consider that a compliment as well as a testament to being the available, sane parent for my child.    Not to be maudlin or cliche, but this truly has been a fulfilling relationship unlike any other.  And this from someone who thought she'd never be a parent.

Some other thoughts after I hit the submit button (of course!):

I had a few friends that were very supportive.  One in particular has become Jr.'s surrogate aunt and has celebrated birthdays, gone trick-or-treating, etc., with us.  It was just great to have another adult to hang out with that didn't mind that I had a child in tow.

If you have a decent job, I hope you have health insurance?  Kids are expensive little creatures with doctors visits, dental visits and, now, braces as a teenager.  I know that having employer-subsidised healthcare saved me some serious expenses in the last fifteen years.

Babies are hard, have a good support system and be mentally prepared your life will drastically change. A support group could be friends and family, church, lining up baby sitters, or after kiddo is born a mom group.

Have you thought about co parenting with a gay couple? That may be a good solution for you. A gay couple I know in the Orinda area, friend of a friend, would like to have a baby and is having trouble making that work. Unfortunately I don't know them well enough to know the details, but I think they were looking for a woman who wants to be a mom vs. adopting. If you go that route spell everything out you can think of in advance.

I have a friend in Miami who just did it @ this age, if you would like to connect and share I can ask if she would be comfortable and would put you two in contact, let me know!

There are 2 vibrant and inclusive SMC (single mom by choice) here: East Bay and SF, but they overlap quite a bit.  If you join the national SMC group, they'll give you the email of the group organizer to be added to the private FB group.  You can also private message me and I'll connect you.  I'm 42, single, and have been trying to conceive for a little over a year.  it's been tougher than I expected (or wanted!) and also expensive, but the fantastic women in these groups are generous, supportive, and an invaluable resource.  Good luck!

Hi! I met a mom who just went through this. She's a single mom, 47 (I think) who did in vitro. I asked, and she suggested I pass along her email address. I think she mentioned a support group or organization for your situation.Contact me for her email. Good luck! I'm a new mom and it's so incredible (but I'm married, so different situation). I say go for it!

Best, Karen

It was the best decision I ever made to start trying at 39 and welcome my little one just after my 42nd bday. Everything you mention is a valid concern. I took a less stressful and lower paying job to enable this path, shared my plans with my family, accepted their financial help and emotional support when offered, and constantly ran budget/timeline scenarios for what I could afford and for how long. In hindsight I would have #1) seen a fertility doctor and had my hormones tested right off the bat vs 6 mo in 2) joined a support group, 3) started researching foster adopt as a backup plan early on, 4) been more aggressive with doing every single thing my fertility acupuncturist recommended on day 1. You never know what is possible until you try, and this little person lying on my lap is worth every lifestyle change and sleepless night life throws at us:)

Thanks so much, everyone, for your advice, info, and offers to connect. This forum has been so helpful. I'll be working through my list of folks who have offered to talk or email about making this choice and being realistic about what comes with it. 

Most gratefully,

S