How (and if) to tolerate a sexless relationship (I'm mortified)

This is a VERY difficult topic. Hotly contested between anecdotal, familial, and professional viewpoints. The long and short of my viewpoint is that you need to feel appreciated, and maintaining your sexual confidence is tremendously important. I'm recently separated, but this was a issue in my relationship as well. I can't speak to what you SHOULD do, but I can tell you that redeveloping my sexual confidence feels amazing. Having this part of who I am muted over time because of a sexless relationship was more impactful to my emotions, temperament, general demeanor than I had realized. All this is to say that, in my opinion, I would absolutely not do it again.

Post-babies, there have been periods where we only had sex 1-2x/year. I think understanding WHY the relationship was sexless made it easier to bear (though there was definitely some resentment at times). My husband said he was terrified after seeing me give birth (I had 2nd degree tearing); another bout of fear came after I got a painful post-sex UTI which he sorta blamed on himself. The sex when we were trying to get pregnant for #2 felt like work, and enough to hold us over for ~2 years. 

Mainly we were just too damn tired. Between late-night wakings, toddlers waddling into the room at random hours, work, general running of a house and household... It has finally gotten better over the last ~half year now that my kids are 3.5 and 6. But even then I wouldn't say we are having a ton of sex.

What is "sexless" versus "a ton" though is subjective-- what matters is how much each of you would want, and coming to some amount you can both accept. And working on the issues that may be causing the lack of sex drive. Also, understanding what you want out of sex-- for me, I realized we had hit a point where we barely even kissed or cuddled, and that's what I missed most, so I made it a point to initiate that.

In terms of sexual confidence, it helped to have conversations with my partner and hear that it wasn't that he found ME unattractive-- he just wasn't feeling sexual, period. Overall, remember you do NOT need a partner to orgasm. You are your own sexual being and you can own your own pleasure-- by yourself (or with toys). There's other ways to feel confident in your own body as well (exercising and yoga helped me a lot, post-baby). 

Good luck!

If you haven't discovered the truly helpful work of Dan Savage (Savage Love podcast and column) then I would recommend that you start listening/reading. He states clearly, over and over, that for those of us who are not asexual (not sure what the most helpful term is), sex is as important to our health as exercise, food and clean air. Sex doesn't have to be partnered, but he makes the powerful argument that for those of us who want partnered sex, the discussion needs to shift from "if" to "how". He has lots of advice about how to explore the myriad options available to you and your partner -- depending on the reason why the relationship is sexless.