Tantrums in 3 and 4 Year Olds
Parent Q&A
Archived Q&A and Reviews
Questions
- Screaming three year old
- 3.5 yr. old's horribly defiant rages
- New huge tantrums in 4 1/2 year old
- Formerly sweet 3 year old now has frequent meltdowns
Screaming three year old
March 2004
I am a mom of three children 9,5 and 3. My youngest presents me with the biggest challenge yet. He is a screamer. He can start to cry very easily ;if I say ''hang on a minute'', if I say''eat your lunch'', seemingly trivial things will bring on huge tantrums. My other two didn't have tantrums like this or if they did I have forgotten much like the pain of childbirth. the issue for me isn't so much the crying but the frequency, pitch and volume. He screams in restaurants, stores, airplanes and other places that I can only quietly and quickly stop him and not always deal with the underlying issue (because my nerves get jangled). At home he screams so much when he is upset that the entire household is disrupted often. I would like to ask for practical guidance in this matter from parents who have ''been there'' Thank you so much
AAAAAAAH!
We had the same problem. From our experience and advice, you're going to have to ignore the screaming. Don't react. The more you react, the more ''satisfying'' it is for the toddler. Your respond could be: ''screaming is not acceptable'' in a calm voice (if that's possible). This won't fix the problem immediately but helpful in the long run. Also, earplugs have been very helpful for us. This too will pass! The trick is not to let them get your goat.. anon
3.5 yr. old's horribly defiant rages
Sept 2003
Our normally happy, bright, gregarious and polite 3.5 yr. old daughter has in the past few weeks developed a horribly defiant attitude, began having fits of sobbing, rage, screaming, or a combination of these. All through her ''twos'' we patted ourselves on the back because, unlike her peers, she never had a meltdown in public (or private) and was always so good. Now, suddenly, that has all changed and I am wondering if we spoiled her rotten, or if this is a normal stage of development.
When the tantrums started, me and my husband came up with a discpline and diet strategy and shared it with my mom, who also cares for her during the week. It includes things like ''when you say 'no' stick to it - no caving in to her'' and ''time outs if she disobeys after one warning''.
The problems began with eating. She is picky and many times refuses to eat at mealtimes. We decided that a more consistant schedule for snacks, cutting sugar, etc. would help, and it has a bit. But then came school. She suddenly refused to go and had to be forced, crying all the way and throughout the day sometimes. That has improved somewhat, but still surfaces now and then.
Now that the school thing is getting a bit better, she is waking up in the middle of the night screaming for mommy. Even after I go comfort her, she screams for me to stay with her. She is not sick, and is not having night terrors (been there, done that) so I am pretty sure its just another tantrum. Up to now, she has been happily sleeping in a big girl bed and never had a problem with it. When she explodes like this, after exhausting the ''are you sick, thirsty, etc'' we tell her to calm down and calmly close her door to let her scream or cry till she is done. We also have a 14-month old who is being woken up by all this. Do I let her cry and wake the baby? Or do I go in to calm her? If I go in to her, doesnt that just give her the message that she can get me if she has a tantrum?
My mom spent the night last night during two of my daughter's episodes. As I was waiting out the 5 a.m. crying my mom said to me ''what is wrong with you, can't you see there is something intrinsically wrong with her? You need to take her to a therapist!'' So now I am questioning whether or not me and my husband are doing the right thing. I realize this is all about her trying to control her world, but I am so tired and confused, I don't know what to do or think anymore. Any advice from someone who has been there would be so helpful. -Sleepless in Oakland
For us, 3.5 was the most challenging parenting time yet (she's now 8). A friend gave me the book: Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy? and it helped reassure me that is was really a developmental stage children go through and that the target is really the parent. That said, the recommendations in the book were mostly treating symptoms (get a babysitter, let them watch videos -- basically give yourself space and don't take it personally that they don't act out with others). I came to deal with it much better when I just accepted that it was the ''task at hand'' and set boundaries around no hitting me, consequences for out of bounds behaviors, etc. Good luck! JV
If there is anyone who can empathize with what you are going through with your 3.5 yo daughter it is me. You both will survive this! Your child is 'holding on for dear life emotionally' as Louise Bates Ames writes in her very helpful book 'Your Three-Year-Old, Friend or Enemy.'' This book is an absolute *must-have* for parents. I carried it with me whenever possible and when my 3.5 yo was freaking out I would read about what she was going through and suddenly would feel more compassionate rather than offended or angry. It totally took out the confusion.
My daugher and I both grew our first gray hair during this 6 month period (no kidding). She had the night crying fits too, and her pediatrician said that is was probably in part to her not getting enough attention (she has a younger brother) and her anxiety was coming out at night. I don't know how accurate this was, but nevertheless a LOT of anxiety was coming out in the middle of the night and it was quite draining for everyone. The best approach for us was to just hold her until she fell back to sleep so that she would feel as secure as possible. That usually took 20 min.
This emotionally precarious stage lasted about 6 mo. and then as swiftly as it came -- it left and we are all a bit wiser now. GOOD LUCK. Your daughter sounds very very normal! Angela
Pick up a book called ''Your Three Year Old,'' by Louise Bates Ames and Frances Ilg. It says that children very typically go through a period of ''disequilibrium'' at the age of three-and-a-half. What you are describing tracks very much to what they say. Perhaps you would be reassured by reading that book that what your daughter is going through is normal, if disorienting for you and her.
Add to that normal developmental stage the adjustment to preschool. My son is also having trouble with his adjustment to school. Even though he has been comfortable with a babysitter, school is a much harder separation. He may be fine, even joyful while at school, but at home his emotions come out in wild mood swings, from tearful and clinging to angry and kicking. He also has had tantrums in the middles of the night, and those seem to be a mix of fear and exhaustion. I have found ways to lovingly reassure him that I am here, love him, and will ALWAYS come back for him. When he is calm enough to listen, I also make clear that he needs to find calmer ways to talk about his fears and frustrations and that will listen. It's taking time, patience and respect on my part, but we seem to be turning a corner.
Besides the above mentioned book, it might be helpful for you to talk with a therapist to find some strategies that will work for you--also to discuss your own reactions to your daughter's feelings and actions. But it sounds like your daughter is behaving in a very normal 3-and-a-half-year-old manner. Good luck to you. I'm sure things will get better. Us Too
You sort of skimmed over the part about your daughter not wanting to go to preschool and being insistent about that. It sounds to me like that may be the root of the problem. Perhaps try asking her how things are going at school. She seems afraid of something - and she may have good reason to be. I would check it out before I had her checked out. It may be as simple of finding her a school where she feels more comfortable. Best of luck. It sounds to me like your daughter is going through a difficult developmental period--and that her bahavior, while it may be excruciating for mom and dad to deal with, is not terribly severe. My daughter, too, breezed through the twos and threes, only to make me wonder where my sweet little girl went once she was three and a half. She was defiant, loud, tearful, and impossible to console at times. Bedtimes were a nightmare. I don't at all mean to dismiss your concerns--I just want to reassure you that even a period where your child goes through really intense tantrums doesn't mean your child is disturbed, or that the problems are permanent. Lots and lots of kids go through stages where their tantrums seem unprompted, especially among the 3.5 to 4.5 year-old set. Severe problems might look more like unprompted aggression, antisocial behavior (avoiding contact with others; doing odd, off-putting things), or depression. It sounds more developmental to me, and your child will pull through.
If you do indeed wish to take your child to a therapist, you might try UC Berkeley's psychology clinic. I, too, took my daughter to a therapist, only to be reassured that her behavior did not look too severe, and her treatment was short-lived. Good luck and be well, anonymous.
You sound worried. I hope that you will find a child and family therapist or social worker who knows something about child behavior and family dynamics and sort it out with them. If there is a problem they will, hopefully, be able to figure out what it is and help you develop a plan to improve the situation. Would you like a referral? Helen
Hi, I'm really sorry you are going through this at the same time as you are caring for a baby. That's not easy! My advice is hang in there -- it will get better. We have had a similar story with our daughter who will be 4 in November. We've had a lot of tantrums, and defiant and erratic behavior in the last three months. There are some particular circumstances at our house that may have exaccerbated this phase, but as far as I can tell, it's just that -- a pretty common phase for 4 year old girls. One of my parenting books quotes a survey that determined that 40 to 60% of behavior in this age group is ''non-compliant''.
One of the things we did, which has helped a lot, was to let go of every discipline issue except the really core stuff. We made a list of the things she absolutely has to do or not do. Things like ''wear clothes to school'' and ''take a bath at least twice a week''. There were no more than 10 things on this list. (Eating wasn't on it. Brushing her hair wasn't on it. Those things went on a list of behaviors we try to encourage.) Then we agreed on a consistent discipline strategy for the ten key things, which is 2-3 requests followed by a phrase like, ''I'd like you to do x by yourself, but if you can't do it (or stop yourself from doing it) then I'm going to have to do it for you. I don't like doing this. It would be more fun for all of us if you could do it yourself.'' Sometimes this had to be followed with gentle but firm physical redirecting.
After about a week, we saw a real improvement in compliance with these core things. And now slowly, we are seeing a better attitude towards behaviors we are encouraging but not requiring. Of course, this is not scientific. It may be that letting time pass would have brought these benefits anyway -- who knows. Also we try to compliment and appreciate her whenever she is helpful, self-restrained, etc. We haven't found that the punitive approach works very well, and we only use time- outs when she really needs to get a grip on herself during a tantrum. Good luck! Dana
Our kids have gone through many many different stages and at times their sleep is disturbed and bad behaviors will show up and I think it's completely normal. And reality check here.....your mom is WAY OUT OF LINE. In my opinion what she said to you is preposterous and incredibley unhelpful. There could be myriad of things going on. Your child could be reaching a new stage of develpment....be testing limits and be feeling scared about it. My kids have gone through this more than once. Their behavior gets abhorent and they have nightmares for a while, and we comfort them and then it changes. That seems to be the rule of parenting that I've noticed...whatever is going on, it will change. Sometimes these behavious show up when I get too busy with work and they are not getting enough time with me. Sometimes I think it's just them going through the hard process of growing up. There could be some underlying phisical reason....a tooth problem or anything...you might consider taking her for a check up. Good luck and hang in there. Irene
I realize it all seems severe and extreme to you, and I'm sorry. But I want to assure you that everything you say sounds very normal, even for a kid who has been angelic up until now. In my experience, 3.5 is one of the most difficult ages for children. It certainly does not sound to me like there is something ''intrinsically wrong'' with her that requires a therapist. That said, it sounds like your approach to her emotional upheaval isn't quite working. At 3.5, she is overflowing with emotional and cognitive disturbances that she can barely handle. (Again, this is normal.) Psychologically, she's hanging on by a thread. She probably NEEDS to throw some tantrums just to let off steam, and I think you should let her! You can't know exactly why she is so needy right now, but she clearly is, and that's okay. By comforting her and giving her permission to let it all out, I don't think you're ''giving her the message that it's okay to have a tantrum.'' Rather, I think you'd be acknowledging that she's going through something rough, even if she can't verbalize it, and creating a safe space where she can explore those emotions. My approach to tantrums (when my now 5yo was a tantrum-prone 3.5yo) was to take her to a quiet, safe place, and hold her, if she'd let me, saying something like t his: ''I can tell you're really upset. You must feel really bad. Go ahead and cry if you need to. Mommy's right here.'' etc. You may want to move her or move the baby so you don't have to worry about TWO restless kids in the middle of the night. (BTW, if you want to know more about this approach, look up Patty Wipfler and the Parents Information Network -- I think that's what it's called. She does workshops locally, and has some brochures available you can buy.) Good luck to you and your family. Judith
I did not see the original post, but if your fear is that your previously easy kid now is throwing fits, relax. Many kids this age just need to blow. My older one did, with a vengeance, at age 3+, completely out of control with rage about things that could not be changed. My personal favorite: ''I want our house to be on the OTHER side of the street.'' As my grandmother always said, just when you think you can't stand it another minute, it will change. It did. At 12 he is a responsible and reasonable kid, though I am beginning to see hints of another bout of this coming on.... Leslie
New huge tantrums in 4 1/2 year old
Oct 2003
My 4 1/2 year old daughter has always been easygoing, responsible and mature. She has never before had tantrums or any behavior problems. In the last 3 weeks she has changed into a Jekyll-Hyde creature, throwing extreme tantrums that last up to an hour (her personal record) up to 3 times a day. These involve screaming and crying, kicking and hitting (although always gently, not trying to hurt), and being completely uncooperative and uncommunicative. It's usually a tiny, insignificant thing that triggers it, sometimes almost seeming like she's setting it up, insisting on something she knows she can't have or something that would be unfair to someone else. There have been no changes in our lives, other than her little brother starting at her pre- school, which does coincide almost perfectly with the tantrums. She doesn't seem to resent him being there and is very helpful and motherly to him at school, and she has nad no significant behavior problems at school. Has anyone else experienced such a radical change in a child of this age? It seems something must be really bothering her and somehow we have to address it, but we have so far been unable to ascertain what the issue might be. Would love to hear of others experiences and how to deal effectively with both the tantrums and their source. Frustrated and bewildered
My second daughter just went through her 4 1/2 year old stage. I call it the ''angry age''. It really does happen. My first daughter and her same age friends went through this 4 1/2 year phase and it brought each of their mothers to tears wondering what went wrong (they are 7 now). So, I did two things the second time around: 1) embrace it for what it is and remember it will pass and 2) I held my daughter more and cuddled more with her during this time. She was amenable to being held after or during a tantrum and that is what I did. There aren't a lot of words that need to be said in it except things like ''You are really mad, sad, angry, etc.'' and ''I love you, I care about you, etc.'' She will be 5 in January and the tantrums have decreased already. Hang in there and breathe. This is really common! mary
Read the book ''Siblings without Rivalry.'' It's an eye opener. I think you are on the right track about the younger brother. This book will help you understand what your daughter is feeling as well as how to talk to her about it. My older daughter literally burst into tears when I said, ''I know it's hard having a younger brother.'' She proceeded to cry and tell me how she didn't want him around, etc. I pretty much just listened and hugged her and said, ''I know it's hard sometimes.'' I wanted her to get her feelings out and feel it was okay to have those feelings. (As the book points out, there's a difference between having feelings and acting on them.) My daughter seemed fine once she let it all out. Although she may have mixed feelings about him from time to time, I think that that is normal. I just try to be her sounding board. anon
Formerly sweet 3 year old now has frequent meltdowns
July 2002
In the past month or so, our formerly sweet and easy 3 1/2-year- old daughter has become a different person. Where she used to be calm and reasonable, she now has frequent tantrums and meltdowns (but does still have calm, easy times as well). Where bedtime used to be a simple matter of routine, it has now become a nightmare that begins as soon as the lights are out -- she claims to be ''restless,'' yells and screams, pops out of bed endlessly, etc. And, the most disturbing of all, she has reverted to having problems at the beginning of the school day, being reluctant to join in at best, and horribly screamy and panicked at worst. We haven't seen this sort of thing since she first started school, at 2. She's also refusing to take her swim lessons even though she loves to swim with us in our pool at home.
Now the complications: 1) We recently returned from a trip to visit doting grandparents and family, and much of this behavior started when we got back. But that was in June and she's never taken this long to readjust before. 2) After some recent difficulties with her preschool director we find ourselves in the unhappy position of looking to change schools, but not being sure that we're doing the right thing. We talked with the director, and things seem to be okay for our daughter there, but we don't trust that similar issues will not come up again. So, despite our desire to keep her in for another year so she can preserve the attachments she's made to kids and teachers (and that took a long time to establish), we think we should probably go somewhere else where we feel welcomed as a family. (The problems centered around religious intolerance -- of us -- in a supposedly secular school.) We're obviously conflicted about this and it could be affecting our daughter, though we've done what we can to keep it away from her.
We are completely at our wits' end. We want nothing more than to figure out what is at the root of the sudden behavior changes so we can help our daughter deal with them AND so that we can figure out some effective strategies for dealing with them ourselves. As a bright, perceptive child, she's very good at pushing our buttons and we find ourselves reacting with anger and frustration more than we would like -- which then leads to guilt and sadness. We know that some of the changes are developmentally appropriate, but it also seems to us that much of the behavior we're seeing is related to separation issues. But do they really come up again at 3, after lying dormant since toddlerhood? If so, what can we do to help our daughter? And if not, what else could be going on?
Any insight or advice would be welcomed Frustrated and confused mom
I have 2 kids (age 7.5 and 4.5) and with both kids I found wacko behavior returning at EVERY half. So terrible twos were really terrible two and a halfs, and some version of uncontrolled impulses, frustration and sleep issues reared their ugly heads every year about the half birthdays. I have found that as my kids assert their independence and gain in emotional maturity, they also simultaneously regress and act out -- probably in reaction to how scary it is to grow up and have more expected of them. So, I'm sorry to report that they are not ''done'' with these behaviors after toddler-hood. Trying to keep school and home conditions consistent might be a good strategy to help get through this stage. Good luck. Anon
I don't know what to tell you about your preschool situation, but boy oh boy can I relate to your frustration about your daughter's new stage. Not fun, to say the least. Our trying times began when our son was four, but they sound nearly identical to yours. I can also tell you that he is now out of them and back to his former wonderful sweet self(as are his other pals who went through the same type of thing). Hang in there.
And walk, don't run, to the library or bookstore to pick up a copy of ''Food Fights and Bedtime Battles, A Working Paren'ts Guide to Negotiating Daily Power Struggles'' by Tim Jordan, MD. It may save your sanity! In addition to providing good insight into developmental issues your child is experiencing, he gives some spot-on examples of exactly the incidents you are dealing with and provides solid, practical and meaningful tips and steps that address the needs of both you and your child. I have recommended the book to several friends, all of whom found it as valuable as I did. Best of luck to you. In spite of this storrmy stage, your little tornado will likely eventually evolve back into her former sunny self (and so will her parents ;-)) Lived Through It
One thing we learned from the director of our pre-school (AOCS) is this notion of a half yearly cycle of equilibrium/disequilibrium. One the whole year, the child is more at peace with themselves, on the half year, they are much less so. It's like they are in between stages and just don't know what to do with themselves. I recall 3 1/2 as being a pretty tough period. I know it sounds strange but I have seen it happen with my child and many of his friends. chris walcott
I highly recommend reading the book, ''Your 3-year-old,'' which I found at Cody's books. It's part of a series of books which describe typical behavior for a child of each age from 1 to at least 12. The books are based on research with thousands of children, so they are authoritative, and they are also very short and easy to read. One of the insights I've gained from reading these books about my children's ages (they are now 8 and 5) is that behavior problems tend to surface cyclically, usually at the half year. Apparently most children tend to be happy and balanced around their birthdays, but problem behavior crops up like clockwork around the half year. This certainly matches my personal experience. My children have both been through repeated cycles of difficult behavior which melts away when they reach new developmental milestones. It's a normal part of the process of growing up and not necessarily something to DO anything about. It sounds like your child is also under some stress because of your school situation, and this can also produce behavior problems which are a normal response to a stressful situation. My suggestion is to try to maintain a regular rhythm in your child's daily life (same wakeup and bedtimes, regular meal times, and regular cycle of activities), set reasonable boundaries, and don't sweat a certain number of trantrums or meltdowns. Of course, not all problem behavior is normal or tolerable. But what you described in your message didn't sound out of the ordinary to me. CDM
To Frustrated & Confused - You might want to find a book called ''Your 3 Year Old - Friend or Enemy'' ( or is it ''...Friend or Foe''?) I don't know the author. It talks about the sudden, negative behavior changes often seen between 3.5 & 4 years. Another 3.5 mom Andrea
It's possible this is some form of Sensory Processing Disorder, or another sensory-related consideration. If I was in your situation, I would speak to his pediatrician and and ask for a referral to an occupational therapist (OT).
we have struggled for years with tantrums with our highly sensitive daughter. we had similar issues, hours long, so much screaming and sometimes aggression or destruction. she is now 11 and with her age and size the tantruming was getting scarier and more worrisome. we had a therapist suggest getting a giant trampoline for her. anger is energy and has to be discharged. she said having her jump for some time each day had been shown to help children with big feelings, tantrums, aggression. we were at our wits end and decided to go for it. our daughter has actually been asking for one for years (when i told the therapist that she said often kids will tell us exactly what they need--ha). we've had it since feb and she's maybe had 2 tantrums since then. and they were much less scary than where she was before (she was more like 2-3 tantrums a week). often highly sensitive kids are highly stressed kids, so it's also important to look for areas in life to reduce stress. are they overscheduled? do they have adequate downtime to choose what they want to do? are there ways you can help them make transitions to and from places more easily? we also started looking into more sensory inputs for her (even tho she doesn't present as needed major sensory help transitions have always been such a struggle). so many kids have some sensory sensitivities and there are tools to help them get those needs met. we got her a music player because music is so regulating for her--she can listen whenever she wants or during a transition. also regular snacks are super important for blood sugar stability (it's all about protein). and finally, sometimes littles need big body play with their grownups. check out hand in hand parenting for ways to help them relieve stress and connect with you. these are all my tips. but really that giant trampoline was a game changer/life saver. i wish we got one years ago. good luck!
We had a great experience with Rebecah Freeling at Wits End Parenting (https://witsendparenting.com/). She deals specifically with strong-willed children, and gave us a lot of practical advice to deal with our four year old's refusal to cooperate, screaming, biting, etc. We were also feeling like he was taking over all our time together as a family. With some concrete tools, we were able to get to a place where he's much more cooperative and we're able to relax and have fun with him. I was really impressed by how much she enjoyed kids and could put herself in their shoes while giving us tools to be able to function together as a family. Anyway, recommend! Hope you can find help for your little one.
I can't speak to having used specific parenting coach/therapist/assessments, but I learn a lot from the Janet Lansbury podcast "Unruffled". The real turning point for me was when I realize that a lot of times, my children wanted me to physically comfort them while they were upset. Maybe this is what Janet calls 'empathizing', but I didn't really know how that translated until I started reaching out to my kids (as they were crying and screaming) if they wanted a hug and to sit with me. It's hard to not get angry when my toddler starts doing things that I see as 'unacceptable', such as throwing things dangerously or hitting me during a tantrum. But now I try something different first and will ask if they want a hug. It's almost always a yes, and then we try to think of another alternative that would be acceptable to me as a parent and make them happy. If they want TV and I say no to that, I will think of something else they like, play hide and seek, bake cookies, etc. I also try to head off potential tantrums by giving them a heads up in the morning of what to expect for that day. For instance, I don't like them watching TV everyday, so I may say in the morning - today is a no-TV day, so we have to find something else to do (they have preschool, so they have lots of time to not even think about TV, but nevertheless, I still announce in the mornings what the evening plan is when they get home). You didn't mention anything about screen time, but I have noticed that the more screen time children get, the crankier they are when they aren't on screen time - to the point where their behaviors become really unmanageable. Good luck to you. I had a pretty unpleasant 4yo for a year, and things got a lot better when he turned 5.