Discovered a fake ID in son's wallet

My parents found my fake ID when I was a senior and just took it. When I looked in my hiding spot and saw it was gone I knew I was busted. I did not think "oh, my parents invaded my privacy" I thought... "uh oh... I'm in so much trouble." I walked around with my tail between my legs for a few days while they let me suffer without saying a word. Then I was grounded from using the car for a while and from going out with my friends. I could only go to and from school and work. 2 things were accomplished... I realized I was still being parented at the age of 17 which is a good thing. And then I got better at hiding my illicit materials. Of course this was the 1980's... but its also the kind of parent I am now in the 2000's. 

Oh Boy. I remember those days. Meaning- I remember when I had my own fake ID.

How you handle it really depends on your kid. You mentioned that he's calling your bluff, which to me means you need to follow through on your threats. Privacy is not an issue when he's living in your house, and it's hard because at this age our kids are making their own decisions in a lot of ways. You didn't mention his age. One thing for him to think about is if he's 17 and he's caught, say on a Friday night, he could go to Juvenile Hall, and they don't need to let you see your son. He could be there all weekend without access to a lawyer or you. If he's 18 then he can be arrested and booked, and it will be on his record. Ultimately if he's drinking and driving (or with someone else who is) they are a threat to their community. These are things I wish my parents had spoken with me about. I would also be concerned about the large cash withdrawal. How is he doing overall? Does he have goals? Stay focused? Get good grades? Challenge himself? A fake ID with a respectful and hardworking kid is one thing; failing and dropping out is another. I would look at the big picture and have an honest discussion with your son. He is, or is soon to be, an adult. Best of Luck.

I'd leave it alone. Your son is a high school senior; he is probably only going to be around for a few more months before leaving for college, and if you confiscate his fake ID he'll just get another one (and do a better job of hiding it from you, especially since you will have demonstrated how little you respect his privacy). If you take his drivers' license you are potentially putting him in danger should a situation arise in which his operating a car means not riding with a drunk driver, or dealing with a life-threatening situation. If you don't want him operating your family vehicles then deny his access and take him off your insurance, but consider attaching that consequence to a situation in which he is driving under the influence or otherwise operating the car in an unsafe or illegal manner. Having a fake ID doesn't mean he is using the car in a dangerous way and I'm not sure what is to be gained by treating this as a cause/ effect situation.

Also consider the number of venues that are over-21 because they serve alcohol, but that offer shows that are not age-specific. Perhaps your son simply wants access to concerts or shows that would otherwise be unavailable to him. And while it is, of course, more likely that he got the fake ID so he could drink, examine your feelings about this - do you not want him to drink because it is illegal, or for other reasons? (Personally, I find it bizarre that we allow teens to drive at 16 but not drink until 21; this seems really backwards to me.)

Our (19 year old) daughter's best friend is coming to visit from France over winter break. They do not have a minimum drinking age, though one must be 18 to purchase alcohol. I've told my daughter to remind her friend that she won't be legal to drink while visiting us. It strikes me as absurd that my daughter and her friend are seen as responsible enough to drink in the friend's country, but not here. I would certainly understand if they decided to get fake IDs, and I definitely won't be asking questions about it.

Finally, you didn't ask but I must say that I am always puzzled by the parents who have invaded their children's privacy, learned something they didn't want to know, and then don't know what to do about it. I say this because you first acknowledge that you were snooping, then by the end of your query suggest that anything other than a journal is fair game. I would suggest that you need to lay out some clear parameters about privacy in your household.

I have to admit I chuckled a little reading your post, because our kids sure know how to keep us honest. A friend said to me once, "being a parent is all about eating crow." This is a good example, and I totally empathize. We have to be smart and honest and on our game all the damn time, and one off day, we are left holding all the crow.

So, your son called your bluff, and left you in a tough position. I am of the thinking that you have to be direct and honest. It seems to me that you should talk to him directly about the fake ID, telling him your concerns and asking for an explanation, and in order to do so, you are going to have to eat some crow. If you believe that looking in his wallet is part of your right as a parent, then you have be straight with him about that. "I looked in your wallet and saw your fake ID." And expect blow back, as--if he is like my teen--he will be incensed and argumentative. Stick with your guns: if you believe that taking care of him means knowing what he is doing, hold that line. Yes, it sucks feeling like you have no privacy, but that's how it goes while he is in your care (as you suggested in your post).

I don't think you should talk with his friends' parents, I think you should talk to him. You want him to be honest and direct, you have to be too. You said your partner did not want your son to have to lie, so you decided to lie to him. Down that road is only more deceit, or confusion, or mistrust, or misunderstanding, or other things that lead not to resolution and trust.

Talking to him now about the ID also means admitting you lied ("we knew you had a fake ID and were dishonest about it, hoping you would confess. That was a mistake" ... good lesson for him, parents make mistakes) and dealing with your threat (whether you really want to take his license and revoke his insurance).

I don't know what the appropriate response or consequence will be, but I don't think you can figure that out until you talk with him openly. Maybe you give a big consequence like revoking the license, maybe you take it away for a limited time with some conditions, maybe you call amnesty since you all were deceitful too. You will know better once you talk with him. One thing that sometimes works in our house: ask him what he thinks the consequence should be. It is surprising how often teens come up with a good one, rather than just letting themselves off the hook, as you might expect.

Just talk to him about the whole thing. Then go back to reading BPN so you can feel good about the other bullets you've dodged.

-- Your compatriot in the mine field

I feel for you because this is not any easy issue for any parent, and I can't say I have an answer for you. You didn't say how old he is, and if he's under 18 years old.  Last summer I was able to read my 18 yr old daughter's (HS graduate) text messages through an iPad that has the text app that shows everything that she is texting on her phone. Lots of party planning and seems that she and many of her friends had fake IDs. I don't know if they are using it to purchase alcohol or just to go to bars.  Regarding confronting him about finding it, guess it depends on your parental philosophy. You don't have to say you looked in the wallet, and if he is under 18 and you would normally have access to the bank statement, you could inquire what the money was spent on. I have no special insight, but I think that especially for older teens, if you confront them and threaten action, the result is a break down of communication and they will lie to do what they can to get away and it drives you apart.  That was my own experience as a risk taking teen 40 years ago with my own parents.  I never confronted my daughter specifically about the fake ID or other things I read about on the text messages.  Instead every time she was headed out the door, I chose to have conversations about drinking, pot smoking, designated drivers, and the risks (even if you are a designated driver, if you got stopped, someone might be sick and then standing by the road when the cop pulls over to find out if everything is ok), , her personal responsibility, and the possible outcomes of making stupid decisions that would affect her future. Of course, if something actually happened, there would be consequences, both natural and imposed.  Also, when my daughter was still applying to colleges and wanted to go to some senior parties, I did mention the risk of colleges withdrawing their acceptances if she were arrested for underage drinking.  At least if the communication is open, I can get a better sense of how good her judgement is, and while I would prefer there was no alcohol or use of fake IDs, at least she is somewhat open.  Regarding other parents, maybe you could have a conversation as a theoretical of "I have heard some kids are doing this" to see what they say. Good luck.

I would confront him about it, as well as tell your parent friends. I strongly respect teen privacy, and faced a difficult decision about searchin my son's room (16 at the time),  and to let him know that I did it and why. With fake IDs, teens don't realize how much trouble they can get into. Sure, not everyone get's caught, but many do, and the penalties are stiff. Check this site: https://www.abc.ca.gov/teencorner.html

In a nutshell, possibilities include stiff fines, community service, drivers license suspension if there is a car involved and any license is consumed (a major insurance headache in addition to the suspension). And if you use, or even intend to use the ID, there are potential felony charges: http://www.shouselaw.com/driverslicense-fraud.html 

I don't think many teens understand this, and I think this is a time when attempting to set limits outweighs privacy. 

Good luck with your decision.

Well, you made the threat (and good for you), now you have to carry through with it.  Call his bluff right back, and take away the fake ID, the drivers license and the car.  Fake IDs are illegal for a reason.  He won't be happy about it, but as long as he lives in your house and on your dime, you have the right and responsibility to monitor his activities and possessions, especially illegal ones.

I can't remember exactly why we did what we did when we found our now 20yo had a fake id, when he was a senior, but we did not take it away. Or actually I think I took it and then later gave it back. I'm kind of surprised at myself but it's worked out fine. I guess I thought it wouldn't work as an id, that he wouldn't be able to drink with it but it turned out that he did use it a few times. He told us about using it, to go to a club somewhere and to buy beer to celebrate a sports win. Anyway he's been a responsible kid who doesn't drink much or get into trouble. I have the kind of relationship where I would just say hey I saw you have a fake id, what are you going to use it for? He would get mad about the spying and I would say well but you did something you weren't supposed to do and here's a big lecture about drinking and driving, and drinking and sex, and why drinking is bad. I'm sure I'm wrong and you should take it away and ground them and so on but I didn't and he'll be 21 soon, knock wood so far so good. So just writing to say that raising teens is a lot of guesswork and luck, but staying connected seems to have worked well. Good luck, you should probably take it away...

???? It is a criminal act, so yeah, I'd take away his real license AND car privileges AND allowance AND tell his friends' parents to check their kids' wallets and browsers too! No debate, and if my husband had a different idea about how to handle it, and implemented his way without talking to me first, then I'd have a problem with him TOO!  Look up what the fine is for having a fake ID, charge him that out of his savings, and then whatever the time element of the criminal penalty is, implement that at home with grounding/no allowance/whatever for that period of time.