Grown children hate each other

Hi, I can respond to this from the sibling perspective more than from the parent perspective, hope that this helps. My brother and I were 2 years apart. We were never close, fought a lot (even physically) as kids. I can say now, as an adult, that this stemmed from my mother's subconscious preference for him over me. It took many years of therapy to work through all this, I thought for years it was my own fault.  My mother also took great pains over the years to pressure us to stay close, which backfired on her because I am now estranged from both of them for going on 6 years (no regrets on that front). So my advice to you is twofold:  Examine your own behaviors and look deep - your son's jealousy did not spring freeform out of his view of his sister, it is real, and it is most likely tied in to you somehow. Whatever you do, do not try to play peacemaker, do not criticize either party, do not try to manipulate the situation in any way. The more you try to influence the situation the worse it will get. They're adults. Let them work it out (or not) - basically take a deep breath and let go.  As for practical matters, if they are not able to act like adults in a large group setting then don't invite them, perhaps encourage them to explore their own "Friendsgiving" next year and save yourself the grief. And when I say don't invite them, let me be clear, either invite both or none, do not invite one over the other (that will only feed the beast). As for the coming holidays, speak with them separately and lay down some boundaries, but also give them permission to not attend if they don't want to. Keep reminding yourself that the universe lent them to you, and now that they are adults, they are no longer yours to keep.

Hello,

I hear your pain and am sending you my sympathies and hugs. I too have kids, older son with mental illness and younger daughter a freshman studying engineering. I can relate to having dissimilar kids having to interact with each other without stressing us all out. Its always tough. We have to keep talking to our daughter to be tolerant and respectful and patient. My son on the other hand can be completely oblivious to the stress his behaviors cause to the family. 

My suggestion to you is to keep such gatherings at a minimum. Talk to them both separately about how you feel. Perhaps your daughter can talk directly to your son about how he feels. He may open out to her more privately. He may just need a friendly ear. Even if they dont like each other much, your home should be a neutral zone and they have to be nice and respectful to each other and towards all of you. Best Wishes!!

Hi,  hate to disappoint, but my sibling and I fought bitterly as kids and we've just never been close.  It's very sad for me to not have that closeness but here we are, late middle age, and it's just not going to happen.  Our personalities are very different.   I suggest that you talk with each child separately in person if you can, or on the phone if you can't, to bring it up and ask their views about how to make it a better family time over Xmas.   What do they want/need from each other?  What sets them off?  Maybe you should play some fun games to force them into a different, more fun mode, if you can.   Sorry, no magic bullet here; wish there were one!  I'd use it! 

In their thirties...as they both became established in their adult lives. Until then, distance and autonomy helped. My kids were perhaps less acrimonious than yours are, but there were similarities. Older son straight thru college, career, marriage. Younger daughter drop out, in debt, car accidents. He was righteous. She was irresponsible. Now she a degree, great marriage, kids. They still don't have much in common, but they work at it. Our best shared times are vacations that don't require lockstep activities or other in-laws. Too much accomodating isn't fun. Can you skip the next big family event and take the two of them to a cabin, or casino, or whatever?  Keep in mind that the most important thing is for YOU to have a good relationship with each of them independently of each other... I'll bet they co e around in another ten years.

I suggest family therapy, as quickly as you possibly can.

My older sister and I never got along. In our childhood, she bullied me and put me down constantly, and no one ever wanted to see it or make her stop. I fought back, stubbornly, and we had horrible fights. I grieved for years about losing my only sibling, but in adulthood it has only gotten worse. Our mother is heartbroken, and it is really sad that I could never be a proper auntie to her children, or she to mine, because of all the tension and hurt feelings. Nip this in the bud and try to get healing now.

When they are thirty, with established, independent adult lives. My two were not overtly hostile, but there are lots of similarities. Older son went straight thru college, then career, marriage and home ownership. Younger one dropped out, ran up debts and did scary stuff for years. They did not get along. But by their thirties they were working it out, finding a few common interests and some mutual respect. Give them space, don't force family ties, don't carry tales, and maintain a good relationship with them independently. It will get much better, but it may take another ten years.

So sorry to hear about your situation. Growing up, my brother and I were never close. We fought as kids and were at boarding school as teens (separate places). As young adults, we lived on different coasts and never saw each other. I was the successful older sibling, making a career, saving money, getting married and having kids. He was a college dropout, under-employed, married and divorced, not building a career, former drug addict, unstable housing, couch surfing, etc.

We are now in our 40s and have recently become close. We are business partners now. Essentially, my husband and I have invested in a company that is managed by my brother. We are both happy with this arrangement and have enjoyed being close for the first time. It took him settling down with a very responsible and stable second wife and his admitting to himself and me that he "wasted 15 years of his life". He regrets being behind his peers in nearly every way. He's now sober, mature, talented, contributing member of society. Sadly, what brought us back together is our ailing parents who have declined mentally and physically and needed our help.

Unfortunately, I see a lot of parallels in my kids too. They are at each other all the time and are walking very different paths. One driven, successful and going places. The other struggling, resentful and jealous. I can only hope that they too will patch things up one day, even if it takes decades.

My brother and I are now in our 40s and have always struggled to get along. I'm a "bleeding heart liberal" (his words) and he's a "realist" (his words) to short-cut the summary of our 20s and 30s. After many years of him floundering, he's now a very successful engineer with a family and a house and the whole deal. We still fight during the holidays about all sorts of political issues, but now we hug afterwards.

I'm writing cause I really wish my parents had tried to actively help us stay in contact and get along better earlier. I grew up not understanding how my parents could live so far away from their numerous siblings and have so little contact. I've watched my sister work really hard at getting her kids (in their teens still) to see what is valuable about their relationship with each other and they have maintained a very close relationship and a super close family. I am left feeling like I wish my parents had done that for us AND struggling to figure out how to do that for my own to kids. I think it's worth trying to figure out how to get your kids to talk to each other about what is important to them about each other and their relationship. I realize that sometimes families feel like little groups of strangers but that is not my ideal. It seems worth working for something better. 

There are a million reasons for siblings to hate each other, and I have a friend who is a sociologist who researches the topic and tells me that it is extremely common for adult siblings to totally break off contact with each other. 

But how sad. Right?
My sister and I did not get along well for much of our early adult lives. We get along very well now (in our 50s!). Our conflicts were fueled by competitiveness for our parents' attention and approval, and I think my mother fed the fire (unknowingly) by comparing us, talking about one with the other, and generally being too much between us. I am not in any way saying this is the case in your family, as every dynamic is different and again, I think there are lots of reasons siblings can have conflicts. Plus, my mother's a piece of work, there is no way you could compare. But I bring it up to encourage you to stay out of it and let them work it out. Maybe it is competition. Maybe they are just very different people. Who knows? But I think talking to them about each other--even if you do it to 'help' them with these conflicts--will fuel the fire. 

Focus on your relationship with each of them and let them battle their own stuff out. 

Hope Christmas is peaceful!

Sorry to say - my older sis and I never got along and we still don't as thirty-something adults. We're a year apart. Our personalities are so different, there are many resentments about the past and what we each contribute to the bigger family, and bad communication. However, we're still really involved in each others' lives, because we have children who love one another and we live in neighboring towns. The resentments usually simmer beneath the surface and only pop to the surface now and then. We're also involved for our parents' sake, and despite it all, we love one another.