Preschooler's Angry Tone Of Voice
My almost 4 year old has over the past six months started adopting the tone of voice I use when my sons are way out line inside the house (ie. when they blatantly break household rules, physically fight with each other, etc). I don't use it often, but my sons know that when I break out that voice that I mean business.
My youngest has now picked up on it, and now uses it on his six year old brother and myself to try to get his way, or to admonish his older brother when he's done something to him. I've told him repeatedly that he can't admonish me or his brother using "that voice", that only adults can use it. To my dismay, he has been using that voice everywhere, with his peers at preschool, with strangers, anyone who he sees is threatening him in some way.
I know most will think that this is a "sow what you reap" type of situation. However, I am not about to give up my firm tone of voice when my children break the rules. Has this happened to you, and how did you deal with it?
Parent Replies
You are right, many will say this is a "sow what you reap" situation, as there has been a lot of research that confirms that kids learn from their parents role modeling. I do understand that as parents we have expectations and need ways to let our kids know when they have crossed the line and that we mean business. And, as a parent of two teens (one college aged), as they get older, you have to have more skill and a bigger toolbox than just raising your voice to communicate with your kids on expected behavior because otherwise communication will completely breakdown. There are many parenting books out there that say using non-emotional or dramatic communication, with clear limit setting, is a better approach. I would recommend reading the book "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. Kohn suggests that as parents we are misguided to believe that parents should focus on getting their kids to "behave", follow rules, “get kids to do what they're told” and shift from “doing to” to “working with” kids to help them develop self control, empathy, and understanding of why we the limits and expectations we have regarding their behavior.
You discipline your child like your would for any other infraction. You tell them the rule: No using of the 'I mean business' tone of voice. You tell him the punishment: Time out for four minutes; he sits someplace very boring for those minutes. You listen to him closely for at least a month and use time out appropriately. At the end of time out, praise him for sitting still and express confidence that he will do better.
I disagree that it's a "reap what you sow" situation. If you stopped speaking in a firm tone of voice just because your 4 year old mimics you, what else are you going to do when he mimics that too? He's mimicking you because he's 4, and that's what 4 year olds do. You are the parent. You get to use "the voice" when you mean business, and anyway it's your job to teach the kids what is right and wrong. He is the child. It is not his job to keep others in line, and he does not get to use the voice. Period. If you use time out or some other method, you should tell him that if he starts scolding others inappropriately, he gets sent straight to time out. After a few times, he'll get it. You can keep the voice. He just has to lose it. Good luck!