Husband thinks I should spend more on clothing
I was raised in middle income household. My parents immigrated to the states when my sibling and I were teenagers and despite having good professional jobs had to work very hard to buy a house, save for retirement, put kids through college and manage it all while finding a place for themselves here in the states with no extended family. So from an early age I was taught to only buy what I needed and always on sale, paying extra for brand name is a waste and cheaper version made well will look just as good, shop at cheaper places and only during sales times, etc. Those habits were formed and remained with me through adulthood and even though it means my spending are very limited it is driving my husband nuts. We are both professional and both make a very good income so that even in the bay area we are comfortable financially. I have no problem with my husband's spending on quality suits and shirts for work but seem to be unable to buy anything expensive for myself without feeling guilt. My husband says I need to buy new stylish brand names purses, work clothes, shoes etc to fit in at work and attend functions and that it is not appropriate to wear now the suits I could afford in college but it just seems like such a waste to spend so much more on clothes and accessories just because of the brand. He wants me to go to nice stores, talk to a private shopper, and get whatever I need in one trip and be done with it instead of spending a few shopping trips checking out the sale aisles. I get nice stuff on sale so the complaint is not about how I look but mostly over time wasted and brands. I know I'm not in the same financial position my parents were in and that it is likely time to move on but I cannot change my outlook and likely over-save as a result instead of enjoying the money we earn. The main issue is the tension this is causing with my husband so i would like to change but not sure how to change those habits and my outlook on finances.
Parent Replies
I'm confused. Your husband wants you to spend more money on clothes, and you don't want to. Is that right?
If yes, tell him no. It's your body, and how you dress is your choice.
Personally, I think it's great to be economical about clothes. Wear what brings you joy, as Marie Kondo would say.
This is the opposite of what I imagine is the usual argument between couples spending money. Normally, the saver is the one that complains the spender is spending too much. I've not heard the spender complain that the saver is saving too much.
If you haven't told your husband that buying expensive clothes makes you feel guilty and you're uncomfortable doing it, I would start there. And that you'd rather save your money so you can "buy a house, save for retirement, put kids through college" as your parents did for you. He could, at the very least, try to be a little more understanding and I don't quite understand why this behavior would be so bothersome to him. Why does this drive him so nuts? I don't buy that it annoys him because it's a time-waster unless you are spending every free minute finding a sale rather than spending time with him. Could it be because he feels guilty that he's the only one buying expensive clothes? You certainly don't need to spend the way he does and I just don't understand his reasoning for pressuring you to do so.
With that said, I'm a bit of a saver myself and one thing my husband told me once when I was reluctant to buy myself something nice was "Honey, everyone deserves something nice every once in awhile." So, sometimes it's okay to treat yourself, splurge a little, and not feel guilty about it because you are worth it!
Since you say you want to change, here's my two cents. First, think about the extra money spent as a *gift* to your husband. Not a waste of money, but a gift that he will treasure every time he sees you.
Second, go to Nordstrom and ask for a personal shopper. They are so nice & I find that they're happy to work within your budget. They will shop the sale racks for you. They'll show you how to use an expensive piece in different ways to make it more cost-appropriate. If you stick with one person you like, she'll let you know when the good sales are & set things aside for you. So... You both can maintain your values.
(If the tension continues after your new wardrobe, you need to rethink & talk together about what the issue is.)
Even though we earn enough money, we can still have a "poverty" mentality, for lack of a better word. Old habits and parental programming die hard!! It may be useful to Google a 12- step program, Underearners Anonymous (which is ALL about SELF-CARE despite its name). It may help to help establish new, loving spending habits.Be$t wishes.
Hi there,
I can relate to your posting. I force myself to intentionally spend money to spruce up my wardrobe, generally twice a year. I did get professional advice on colors and types of clothes for my body, so when I add a piece it generally works with multiple outfits. I also almost have to be brutally critical when throwing out worn clothes, as they tend to be favs. Finally, girlfriends have made catty remarks about the age/condition of a fav purse, which in retrospect, was spot on. Not sure I have any advice, but only wanted to say growing up in a frugal household does leave its mark.
I am so glad I stumbled over your query... I've had very similar issues, not so much with my husband urging me to spend more on my clothes, but on how much to spend on the kids. My husband is the successful breadwinner and takes pride in giving the kids expensive ski trips, cars, clothes... I, on the other hand, grew up more like you and am very frugal and usually think the kids should learn to get job and pay for extras themselves. We can afford to spoil them, but I don't think it's a good thing to spoil them.... It is an issue mostly regarding how to raise the kids for us and we've never really found a good solution. I think my daughter equates my thriftyness with lack of love and I don't like that, either. It's really kind of a hard issue to figure out and I've never talked to anyone about this issue before because to most it seems a non-issue given that there is plenty of money to go around when most people are worried about not having enough. Thanks for posting about this!!!
about your query: I think you should keep going for sales and dress nicely from your bargain hunting. If your husband resents the time you spend on that, perhaps make a point of dedicating some special time for him? What is his real need here? Most guys would probably be very happy that their spouse manages to dress nicely on a small budget... Is he afraid of something?
I think you two need to talk about why this bothers him so much. Would he be bothered if it was a hobby? Going to the gym? Try and reframe it and understand the root of his annoyance.
In the end he needs to understand that add long as your behavior is not causing a probkem (Eg not fitting in socially, taking so much time shopping you can't enjoy other activities, etc) you have every right to do what you want.
That said, some old clothes do look dated. If it's age vs sales maybe do some updating. I like TJ Maxx or Marshalls instead of going to sales.
Try shopping at poshmark.com or swap.com or thredup.com. Once you know brands/sizes that work for you, you can get them lightly used for a steal from someone not as saavy!
own it! The world already suffers plenty from "needing" brand names. Fashion is wasteful. Don't play that game unless you want to. Some people will admire you for spending more, but some people will also respect you for spending less, and not making fashion what your life is about.
Your post resonated with me because I have also had to rethink my spending habits with an unexpected change in income. After growing up in a frugal (by necessity) household, my husband and I ended up in lucrative jobs, basically by pursuing our interests. After thinking about it a lot, I have decided that thriftiness is not in itself a virtue, although it can be when necessary. However, I can also uphold my values by spending money that I can afford to spend. This means, for example, buying local and from organizations whose values match mine - and avoiding products from the Koch brothers which are often cheaper. I'm not criticizing that if it's by necessity - but if it's not, why do it? For clothes, I like Eileen Fisher. I'm sure there are other brands with good values, that's just the one I stumbled upon. Also, keep in mind that in careers, women are judged by their "grooming" much more so than men. Although I detest this, sometimes we need to seize power before we can change the system. Finally, if none of this resonates with you and you are just doing it for your husband, just stop. He may be right to raise the issue, but ultimately you should do it for yourself or just not do it.
Are you 100% sure this is not about his dissatisfaction with how you look? You might think you've picked up some real gems on sale but if you don't have a really good eye, and a lot of luck and skill at putting outfits together, you may not look all that polished. And I'm sorry, but there IS a difference between a cheap purse and a not-cheap one. I know I'm in the minority in Berkeley (I am frequently amazed/appalled by what I see people wearing when I go to nice restaurants, for example) and I appreciate that my values are superficial, but, we've all got our thing. If your husband is complaining, you might want to respect that. (I get bummed out when my husband wants to go out wearing some ratty sweater, even though there is nothing morally wrong with it and he looks no worse than most of the people on the street). Anyway - my concrete advice: make an appointment with a personal shopper at Macy's. Tell him or her your budget, and what you need, or what kind of events you're attending, and let them help you. At least try it. It will cost you nothing (except for the clothes) and Macy's has a really wide range of styles and prices (from fancy to budget). And, if you end up buying stuff you regret, return it! Lastly, you may well find you actually save money doing a few of these "splurges" each year rather than doing a lot of bargain hunting all the time.
I focus on quality over quantity now and have finally narrowed my closet down to pieces I love and wear more often. We moved recently and I purged so many items that were great deals but looked "eh" so I didn't wear them very often. I donated everything that doesn't look great on me and now only buy quality items I know I will wear happily and repeatedly. If a top starts looking ratty I get rid of it right away. I might spend more on single items, but I really don't spend more overall because I make much fewer purchases now. This works so much better for me. Plus my closet is so much more organized now that I have removed ~50% of all the stuff I had.