Favoring One Parent Over the Other: Preschoolers

See also: Toddlers Favoring One Parent ... School-Aged Kids Favoring One Parent

Archived Q&A and reviews ▼

Archived Q&A and Reviews

Questions

3 yr old daughter likes Daddy better

Oct 2007

My 3.5 year old daughter just told me that she likes Daddy better than me, because he does more fun activities with her and takes her fun places. True. Just this weekend he took her to a festival where she had a blast, while I stayed home with the napping baby and took advantage of the empty house to get some cleaning up done. Should I be concerned that she is not developing a positive relationship with me? Should I try to do more fun stuff with her, or should I accept that Daddy and me have different roles? Is she connecting with me in a different way? I am a little worried that later, as a grown up, she might remember me as the one with whom she never had any fun.

This too shall pass. When I had my second and had to be the primary parent on the baby, my then 3 yr old stated many times that he loved Daddy more and wanted Daddy to read books. Sure it pulled at my heart strings, but he wasn't meaning to hurt me. It all passed as the baby grew and we could trade off so I could have more one on one time with our 3 yr old. Take some special fun time with your 3 yr old. Let Dad have the special time he deserves as well. patriica

Come on! You can't take remarks like this so personally. Parenting is a forever thankless job. Developmentally, your 3 year old's words are right on: Daddy time is fun time! But don't be offended or concerned. She likely thinks you provide comfort, safety, nourishment, etc. Those concepts are just more difficult to articulate and not as ''sexy''. And yes, maybe good to create your own ''fun'' times but this could be playing with a hose in the backyard or having a playdate in your home with some ''fun'' activity. The comparisons/complaints never end as your child gets older. You need to protect yourself from taking them personally or you create a vicious cycle. According to my 8 year old I have bad taste in music; some ok but also some pretty darn ugly clothes; I sing off-key; my home- cooked meals sometimes suck; I'm not as pretty as her best friend's mom; etc. Oh, well! She does know that I love her and appreciates our special moments--reading together, walks, laughing at her baby sister's antics. Developing a thick skin and being yourself in a caring, nurtuting, compassionate way will well serve all of you. thick-skinned mama

It's normal at her age to be more attached to dad than mom. My husband and I have days when we do activities as a whole family, but we also do alone times where it's just him and her and then another day it would be just the two of us. During these special times, she gets the fullest attention. We don't do other work and we don't answer phones unless it's an emergency. Crystal

No doubt you have had some good times with your daughter over the last 3 years. I think it's pretty normal for girls to start favoring their daddies at some point. It's also normal for daddy to seem more fun if he is around mostly on the weekend, etc. I would be happy if my husband took my daughter out just the two of them. I do both all the mommy things and the special fun things, 9 times out of 10, and I'm sure she will still ditch me for daddy at some point. anon

My 3 yr old son spends Monday thru Friday every week with his Dad while I am at the office. The have loads and loads of fun. For example....watch trains or make Mac trucks honk horns at them, go to construction sites to watch the tractors and so much more! I would never do those things with my son because that's just not exciting to me. When I go to pick him up, he doesn't want to come home because he has so much fun with his Dad and sometimes he even puts on the sad face and cries. However, once he is home with me, he is fine. His thing with me is a whole lot of hugs and kisses and closeness, which he doesn't do with his Dad. He gives me so much love when he's with me. So, don't feel bad if your 3 yr old prefers Dad over you sometimes. We all bring different things to the table and they all balance out. At that age, it's all about having fun and of course your 3 yr old is going to lean towards Dad if he's the one dishing out the fun stuff. Your child loves you just as much. Just be happy that your child is happy! Nicole

3 yr old daughter is mean to Daddy

March 2007

I know it's normal for kids to go through a stage of favoring one parent over another, but it's still tough to know how to deal with it. Our 3yo daughter has always been a momma's girl. We worked on this by scheduling fun classes with her dad on weekends, which helped a lot. About two months ago, she got very sick (pneumonia). I did too, and I stayed home to take care of her. While she was sick she didn't want anything to do with her dad. If he came near her, she'd scream, yell, flail, kick, and slam things (which sure made things tough, since I was unwell at the time). When she got better, so did her behavior, but lately it seems like we're back at square one. This morning he said hello to her and she didn't even look up at him, she just kind of snarled. It's gotten so that my husband's reluctant to confront her and I'm always being called in to make peace after she throws a fit. I suspect that she needs more attention and is feeling insecure, but I'm just not sure which way to lean. When I comfort her and help her, I feel like I'm reinforcing her negative attitude towards her father. When I refuse to accept her behavior, she just completely loses it. Sometimes I lose it too, and end up yelling at her or her dad, which of course only makes things worse. I try to talk to her about being nice and not hurting Daddy's feelings, but it just makes her dig in her heels. Nothing my husband says helps either. I just feel like we're stuck in a rut. I also worry that she's picked up her volatile temper from me. My biggest challenge, in fact, is trying not to overreact to her outbursts. I've noticed that things defuse faster if I stay calm, but it's just SO hard when it's always on me and I'm having to deal with so many tantrums - especially when I'm nursing her younger sister! What can we do to restore peace?

It seems your daughter is jealous of you being taken away from her now that you have a little one in the home that your now focusing on as well as nursing. It's terrible that she's so disrespectful to your husband but you stated that you yell at him, too. It's easy for our children to imitate how we treat our spouses. I'd suggest that you have your husband set up some playdates with himself and your daughter. They obviously need to get to know each other and you also need a break from her. I know how tedious and exhausting it is to deal with a little one and a newborn. It's hard. But anyway sometimes you just have to pull out of it and let them deal with it. Take a breather and let your husband be more ''hands-on.'' I can't help feeling you've been controlling their relationship to a degree and now it's time for you to let go and let your husband in. Good luck! been there

We have a 2 y/o daughter and she goes back and forth with favoring one parent over the other. She can be quite mean about it and has reduced me to tears on more than one occasion. No Mommy. I want Daddy!!! Right now, she's a mommy's girl and won't kiss her father goodbye or greet him when he gets home. Yesterday morning when he went to get her out of bed, she wanted nothing to do with him. She didn't even want him to touch her. The favored parent usually sits her down and says that she can't treat Daddy (or Mommy) that way. Sounds to me like your daughter is reacting to a couple of things: I don't know how old her new sibling is, but that probably plays a role in it. She sees that you are busy and she wants your sole attention like she used to have. Your husband also needs to spend more time with your daughter alone. Is he fun? Does he play with her and act silly with her? Does she enjoy playing with him at all? I have also found that it's best if the rejected parent doesn't react to the outbursts. When my daughter was in a Daddy phase, she said she only wanted to play a game with Daddy. When I said, Can Mommy play too? She said NO! Go away! So I said ok and went and sat on the couch to read. She was on me in a second and said, Mommy, you want to play too? I think she discovered that she couldn't control me or my emotions, which is honestly what I think she was trying to do. It's a hard phase. Good luck. Anon

3 year old son has strong preference for dad

Jan 2007

Our 3 year old son has shown a strong preference for his dad over me (mom) ever since he was old enough to express a preference. When dad is home, he only wants to be with him - he tells me to go away, does not want me to play with the two of them, only wants dad to help him get dressed, brush his teeth, make his breakfast, etc. We do our best not to give into these kinds of things, which results in a lot of tantrums. When he crys out in the middle of the night, and when he gets hurt, he wants dad. He is fine with me when dad is not around and does not cry for him when he's not there (I work 3 days a week and am home the other 2, while dad works 5 days a week). It has gotten somewhat worse since his little brother was born last summer, but it was already going on before that so we can't attribute it solely to that. I do tend to be the parent who does things like doctor and dentist visits, and a lot of the more mundane day to day tasks, while his dad is a really fun playmate (though I want to be clear that he does take on an equal share of discipline and has done his best to back me up on this in every way).

I deal with it okay most of the time, but sometimes it makes me really sad. My questions - has anyone else had experience with a child whose preference is so clearly for dad over mom? If so, what have you done to try to balance things out? How did you deal with your hurt feelings? I've tried taking him on special outings, just one-on-one - we always have a lot of fun, but nothing is different when we get home. I also try to respect his need for alone time with his dad, given that he doesn't get to spend as much time with him. But we're struggling with how to handle him doing things like ordering me out of his room when dad is around. We've tried the route of telling him it's not acceptable to talk to either of us that way, and have given time outs, but that hasn't really seemed to work - it stops the behavior in the moment, or even for the rest of the day, but then it crops up again. Would it be better to just ignore those behaviors? Would appreciate any insights! anon

I don't have a lot of advice for you but I thought it might help you to know that we are going through an almost identical situation. My son (2.5 years) also strongly prefers his dad for everything. And I mean everything! Only dad can unbuckle my carseat, only dad can put my jacket on, only dad can get crackers out of the box for me, and on and on. It has been going on for over a year now and it makes me really sad, too. I try to be logical about it but it's hard. It's hard on my husband, too, because our son is a pretty spirited kid and he ends up having to deal with more of his meltdowns when we're all together, because our son won't have anything to do with me, especially when he's upset. And in our case it can't really be attributed to my husband being the ''special'' or ''fun'' parent, as we both work full-time and do equal amounts of the dirty work (diapers, getting up at night, etc.) when we're at home. I really don't know what the cause is and it is exhausting both emotionally (for me) and physically (for my husband). What we are trying to do is especially not let it get between me and my husband, so that we resent each other (me for not being the preferred parent, him for having to be with the toddler more). We talk about it a lot and resolve to prioritize our marriage over our son's whims. Now that our son's language is better, we are also trying to be tougher about things like rudeness (he can't scream at me to ''go away''), and also to be tough about sometimes daddy can't pick you up while he's carrying the laundry, etc. Our son also is better behaved when he's with just me by myself, so we try to do fun things just the two of us. Sometimes it seems like it's working, sometimes not. So I'm looking forward to seeing your responses. I think it's especially hard when the preferred parent is the dad over the mom, because you feel like gender roles would suggest that you should be the ''softie,'' and that you must be a mean cold parent for such a young child not to prefer you. Not to suggest that that's true of you at all, only I understand completely why this is hard for you. I feel your pain!

Wow! I wish I could say I have advice for you, but really wanted to write to tell you I could have written this myself - as well as the 1 response you've received thus far. My son is 2 1/2 and we are experencing the exact same thing. We have no idea what it's attributed to. We both work full-time and he's in day care during the day. I too feel quite emotionally drained and I know my husband is physically drained. He's fine if it's just us together, and is quite loving to me most of the time. However, if daddy is around, and especially if the little guy is upset about just the slightest thing, ONLY daddy can respond to his needs - whether it's wiping his nose, throwing away a banana peel, changing his diaper, or taking off his shoes. It's nuts, and causes quite the stir of emotions in all of us. I'm the mom - it's natural he should prefer me, right?

I don't have an answer, and wish that I did. It's been going on for over 6 months now. I guess I just wanted to write to let you know that you're not alone. I look forward to seeing if anyone out there has advice or words of wisdom. santina

I responded to a question like this years ago. It is in the archives, and I won't repeat. It is now 11 years later. The son who preferred Dad then has discovered, at 15, that both parents are equally useless and know nothing. So take heart. Parenthood is a long road. Things will balance out, many times. My grandmother always said that when you think you can't stand it any more, it changes. She was a wise lady, and dead-on right on this issue. Keep a sense of humor, love your kid like there is no tomorrow, and he will come around. Been there, done that

3-year-old daughter is mean to dad

2001

I'd love some suggestions about this. We have a delightful 3 1/4 year old girl, single child, who is more and more frequently being mean to her dad. It takes the form of speaking in a very, very cross voice to her dad, rejecting all offers of help from him, saying don't talk to me don't look at me, making a growling-whining sound at him when he walks into a room etc...I'm sure you can imagine. Is this a normal 3 yr old stage? There haven't been any new stresses or changes in our lives. We have tried: 1)ignoring her outbursts,2) saying I don't like the way you are talking right now, 3)telling her that it hurts dad's feelings when she is treating him in this crabby way all the time. We'll try to find some humorous thing to shift the mood....but I'd love other insights. Thanks!! Karen

From: Regan

I'm no expert on toddlers - my oldest child will be three in January. But I've had the same concerns recently, i.e. she's sweet and generally cooperative with me but lately not only uncooperative with her dad, but also physically abusive with slapping and kicking. I believe that a big part of the problem was that she wasn't seeing me treat him nicely. Since realizing this, I've made an effort to be extra demonstative, kind and affectionate with my husband and our daughter's behavior has greatly improved! Actually, we're all happier now...

From: Alexis

I don't know how normal this behavior is, but I can assure you that my son (3.5 years old) exhibits the same sort of behavior, but it's directed towards *me.* His father has always been the primary caregiver, and we also had a second son in December, so our circumstances are a bit different from yours, and issues of jealousy about his little brother may be contributing to our problem, although our older son is always really sweet and well behaved towards his brother.

In my son's case, the behavior isn't relentless, but it sure happens regularly enough to really hurt my feelings, especially if I'm tired or have had a rough day already. Generally, the more lightly I react to it, though, the less severe it is. It's almost as though it's some sort of test that I flunk if I react strongly to it.

I'll be very interested to hear what other people's experiences have been with this sort of thing.

From: Karen

Response to parent who asked about their 3-1/2 year old daughter hitting her father. My daughter's behaviour towards her father began to change at around 3-1/2, including hitting and name-calling. We spent a lot of time trying to figure why. Here are some of our findings or theories....

At around 3-1/2 her Daddy became a much more important part of her life. It's not uncommon at this age for children to want the opposite sex parent all to themselves, to talk about marrying them or having them fall in love with them. I know that spending time with her father began to become much more important to her (and has increased over time - she's 4-1/2 now). As a result, it hurts and angers her much more than ever before if/when Daddy isn't around, even though he wasn't around less than before. Some of these feelings seem to get expressed in hitting and name-calling. My husband has made more of an effort to interact with her, and for them to have some special time together.

Another big change is that rough-housing has become really important to my daughter, and Daddy is the most fun for her to do that with (and he enjoys it more than I do). She has increasingly enjoyed feeling physically stronger and mastering the world, and rough-housing is really important way for her to experience these feelings.

My daughter has always been on the meek side and she's found it disconcerting and very frightening to have aggressive feelings now that she finds herself the big girl at pre-school instead of the intimidated little girl - she is now what she both wanted to be and was afraid of just a year ago. The way she talked about this was by telling me a scary story about a ghost who wanted to kill everyone in the world, but eventually decided not to and everyone like her. Rough-housing has been an important outlet for some of those feelings. We've encouraged this because we don't want her to feel that agressive feelings are bad - I think they are somewhat new to her and sometimes very strong, which has been scary, since she knows it's not right to hit people. The rough-housing lets her know it's ok to have these feelings and express them in the right kinds of situations, and that she shouldn't feel that she is bad for having these feelings. My husband says things about how strong she is getting, or what a good punch she gave him (and she always wins). But it's also very important to make sure she's clear about when it is ok to hit, or what it takes to start or stop rough-housing; we let her come up with code words to start and stop.

She still sometimes hits my husband when she is mad at him, but he continues to remind her to use words to tell him what she's feeling. The fact that he listens is important and it seems to be a big factor in her expressing feelings to kids, too, for example when another child is doing something that bothers her.

It is of course possible that children who are hitting and name calling can be angry for some reason, at the parent they are hitting or about other things in their life. Of course this is more difficult to figure out. My daughter can sometimes talk about her feelings, but at other times we get more insight into what's bothering her by listening to the stories she makes up.

We figured much of this out by trial and error and by talking with friends with kids of their own. I hope it's helpful.

3 1/2 boy rejecting daddy

March 2005

My son is 3 1/2. I know that children of this age are notoriously fickle and moody, but he has been going through a very intense MOMMY phase recently which is threatening to get out of hand. We also have a daughter who's nearly 1, and this happened also right after she was born, but I thought he was past it now. (And he's doing better with his sister than he was before.) It's to the point where if his dad--who is affectionate, gentle, playful with him--looks in on him in the bath, or comes downstairs in the morning for breakfast, my son greets him with a scowl and/or says ''NO Daddy! I don't like you!'' or ''Go away Daddy!'' Yesterday after a nap, when I was somewhere else, it was more extreme even, ''BAD Daddy! You're a bad person! You're not my friend and I don't like you! I want Mommy!'' etc. Meanwhile with me, although sometimes he pulls the ''Bad Mommy'' line too, mostly he's all sunshine and affection.

Can anyone tell me whether this is all perfectly normal and will pass, or whether we're in some crazy Oedipal drama that will only end when he has driven his father away completely? My husband is very patient with all of this but has admitted lately that it's beginning to wear him down, and affect his feelings toward our son. He loves him very much, of course, but is finding all the rejection hard to take.

Any advice or anecdotes much appreciated. Mystified Mom

There is a fine line between allowing/encouraging your child to express his feelings, and allowing him to express abusive feelings, or rule the roost.

Kids can easily pick up when they've hurt a parent's feelings or even when they are tugging on heartstrings. And they will use it to their advantage (Who wouldn't? We all prefer to get our way). The problem is, by letting the child have inappropriate amounts of power, they have no security, because there is noone to rein them in, or provide structure. It's scary to know you can get your parents to do what you tell them to, because it puts adult responsibility and decisions, for which you're not ready, on your shoulders. (Been there - this was my childhood; there was a constant feeling of being on shifting ground. Plus, my parents always lost their power to me, making them feel frustrated. All in all, not so good).

My advice: Reactions and responses should be consistent and unified when he expresses these sorts of feelings. Both of you should try hard to not feel bad, especially with him able to see it. It's easy to pit parents against each other unless they're a unified force. As tempting as it is to cave and play the good guy role, don't let yourself.

Calmly, without bringing emotions into it, tell your child ''No, it's not okay to be mean to Daddy''. or ''It's ok, you don't have to like me, but sometimes you're going to spend time with me anyway''. And don't give in to the tantrums or screaming. Model what it WOULD be okay to say: ''It's okay to say 'I want some alone time now, Daddy''' so he learns what to replace his bad habit with. The first several times you do this, he likely won't even hear you due to screams. But over time, he'll learn there's a new way things are done, and that you draw the line at him abusing one of you. If possible, let him have space if he doesn't want to play with Dad, but he should not have Mom running in to console him either. Alone time means he gets space, not choice about who takes care of him. This is really to respect a personal boundary. He might not want to be touched by the less-favored parent, and that's ok if the situation allows. He doesn't get to constantly choose who takes care of him. Good boundaries

Its normal, sorry. My advice to you is to be extra nice to your husband until it blows over, and to store all the warm, fuzzies you can with your son --- because its likely your daughter will have equally strong feelings the opposite way when she's 2 1/2 -3 1/2.

As long as your husband is good-humored enough to get through this, and your son is not actually hurting anyone, I'd just wait till its over. By the way - my son went on being sweet to me well into middle-school, even after he reconciled the Oedipal stuff and decided his dad had redeeming value. ''Boys are Different''

I have a girl, and she's a little younger than your boy, but maybe my two cents (or 15 cents..) will still help. I think the little ones have a variety of reasons for preferring one parent over the other, and it probably will change over time (for example, when my daughter is 8-10 and really into the knock- knock jokes, I expect she'll reject me, and have a great time with dad...). However, there seem to be a few factors that can change things a little bit; some are things that the preferred parent can do, and some are things the rejected parent can do. First and foremost, I no longer tolerate rude behavior from my toddler toward my husband. If she rejects him outright or says she doesn't want him around, and comes running to me, I tell her that it's not very nice, and that we need to go back and tell Daddy that we're sorry for hurting his feelings. This is a delicate balance, since there are times when Daddy doesn't understand the reasonable request she's making, or when she forgets to ask Dad instead of coming to me (simply because Dad isn't around as much, and frankly, doesn't always pay as much attention when he is around). Sometimes, I simply say, ''No, that's not very nice, and I can't pick you up when you're screaming and whining.'' It can be difficult because it used to be that when she was little, her whining and screaming were her primary communications mode, but now our job as parents is to let her know that she needs to use her words to communicate (and trust me, she CAN), and the primary way of doing that is to not let her have her way if she communicated her wants by whining, screaming, or rejecting Dad. The bottom line is that I don't want to give in to her misguided thinking that Mom is the only parent or best parent, and I certainly don't want to let her pit us against each other.

The other part of this problem is Dad. In my case, Dad has a tendency to be very passive and simply shrug his shoulders when our daughter says ''NO!'' and runs away from him. He also is so impractically thin-skinned that he takes a 2-yr-old's rejection personally, without noticing that she occasionally does the same thing to me. And of course, if I am alone with her, and we need to get out of the house for a doctor's appointment, and she runs away from me, her rejection is irrelevant. We get dressed, we go. Get over it. Dad hasn't figured this out yet because it's easy enough to rely on Mom as perennial backup. So clearly, there are things that Dad can do. For example, he can say, ''I know you want Mom right now, but it's my turn to help you, and I really want to play with you.'' And give the kid some boundaries (and gentle discipline) when she pushes them and tries to reject him. She needs to learn, and you need to help her learn, that everything will be ok with Dad too, and that Mom will be there later. She will probably even learn that some things are more fun with Dad.

The third part of this equation is how to train yourself and your husband to be firm and consistent. Which means, first off, that you need to be willing to walk away from your screaming child who is busy rejecting his dad for no apparent reason, and explain to your child that you're not going to tolerate this behavior. The older the kid, the harder it will be to retrain everybody, but I believe that with consistency, it can be done. I've got a pretty sensitive kid, and if she doesn't get with the program, and she keeps misbehaving, I tell her I'm going to pick her up and put her on the sofa inthe other room. Then I follow through. It sometimes takes 3 times before she gets it, and sometimes the final one is to tell her while she's on the sofa (she gets up almost immediately and follows me back to the other room), that I can pick her up and give her a hug if she stops crying. (It helps to have some extra ''buffer time'' in your day- having a tight schedule makes it difficult to do these things.)

I also have started working more actively with my husband. This is the most aggravating part of it (and the reason why I am writing this long post, since I suspect I'm not the only one with this issue). Of course it seems so obvious to me that even though theoretically he's ''doing no wrong'' by being so passive and standing by while she runs back to me, he is tacitly handing her off to me, and making me take care of it. The aggravating part is that he sees himself as a victim, while I see myself as the 24-hr cop who never gets to have a break. (And you MUST not give in to the idea that you should ''rescue'' your screaming kid, even though you know that if you pick him up, he'll stop crying immediately. You have to give up the idea that you are the backup too.) And of course I think Dad should put as much active thought into it as I do, but that's not going to happen, so what I have begun doing is explaining to him in as nice a way as I possibly can that our daughter will learn to accept and respect him to the extent that he accepts and respects his authority over her. Although his first (angry) response to this was that he would ''strong-arm'' her to put on her pajamas or whatever the task at hand was, I gave him a few more ''empowering'' suggestions of how to discuss things with her (since it won't be long before strong-arm tactics just won't work anyway)--such as, ''tell her this is what we're going to do, here are your choices, and tell her I'm sorry if she wants to do something that's not within the realm of those choices.'' (By the way, we do not have these conversations in front of our daughter, and I usually wait until the screaming episode has passed to have these discussions, because otherwise we're all pissed off and unreasonable. but it usually falls on me to figure out how to resolve the problems.) And I explain how, if he does nothing after she screams and runs away, then he's basically rewarding her for her poor behavior. She gets what she wants by screaming. So, for example, I've suggested that he needs to have a plan: we're going to the playground, we're taking our pajamas off, etc., and to know what he's going to do if she screams. Then if she still comes back to me, I can check what his plan is, back him up with whatever plan he's got, and send her on her way.

This is not as awful as it sounds. She can still get hugs along the way, but she doesn't get rewarded for screaming, and if she comes back to me, she can get an explanation that it's Dad's turn to help her, and it will be my turn later, and that we need to go back to Daddy and say ''I'm sorry,'' and give him a hug, and that we need to talk to Daddy and let him help, but that's the way it's going to be. The intensity and duration of the crying gets less and less over time. In fact, as I write this, Daddy and daughter have *happily* gone off to the playground after resolving this morning's Daddy rejection. Once she realized that this is the way it is, and that Daddy can do it (and once Daddy realized that he can and must do it), they both had some fun, and it was easy. anon

3.5 year-old daughter says ''I hate Daddy''

April 2003

I'm hoping someone has some advice on how to handle the following situation. My 3.5 year-old daughter is in a phase where she is particularly nasty to Dad and loving towards me. It should be noted that I am 33 weeks pregnant, and I'm sure this has something to do with it. Several times a day, she rejects Dad with statements like ''I hate Daddy'' or ''I want Daddy to go away forever'' or ''I don't want Daddy in here doing xyz; I want Mommy.'' Often if we take her words lightly, and my husband engages her in one of her favorite activities, the rejection quickly fades, but of course, it's challenging to face her harsh words repeatedly through the day. Has anyone else dealt with this? Any suggestions for constructive responses? Many thanks. Dana

We had a similarly painful situation. My 3-year-old daughter rejected ME for almost 2 years after my second child was born. It was very painful to be rejected, and though I tried to ignore it, it really bummed me out. What saved us was that I started to read Harry Potter books to her (only I could read them, Daddy refused), and she became obsesses with hearing me read the first book, so it became OUR thing together. I think she was longing for something to bring her back to me, but whatever the reason, it worked. So, in hindsight, I suggest you and your partner find something really great/fun/intimate that is special to Daddy, and have him do it with her exclusively. Good luck! Anon.

4 year old being mean to/rejecting Mom

March 2010

This may be a mixture of my post partum depression lenses and my son's post partum unraveling because of his 7 week old brother, but...

I am heartbroken because my son has started really rejecting me and being mean to me. While he probably always enjoyed his dad a bit more (wrestling, better at playing cars, etc), we have always had our own nice relationship. In the past few weeks he has been letting me know that he doesn't really want me around (''you go make dinner/feed the baby so daddy can play with me'') or even saying that he acted out at school because he wanted his dad to pick him up and not me.

It doesn't help that I am the disciplinarian in the family and the one who thinks he needs to be polite and listen, etc. My husband is more than willing to try to more of the disciplining, but he isn't really as quick as he needs to be in putting our son in time out or telling him to use polite words. (And sometimes he piles it on too thick just because he doesn't have a natural sense of what the discipline should look like. It is just awkward).

We don't know what to do. On one hand, I think kids should know when they hurt someone's feelings. On the other hand, i think if we do too much of that, our son will ramp up his bad behavior even more because he knows it gets me. Tonight at dinner I had to excuse myself after he said something rejecting to me because I just had to go cry. It made me so sad.

What should we do? Where is the line between helping our son be compassionate and appreciative of who I am and not either dumping on him responsibility for my emotions or fanning the flames of rebellion to make it worse? Thanks jj

First, I think you are suffering from post-partum hormones. My son has said some very mean things to me, and he doesn't hurt my feelings. He just turned five, but age four is when they test out the boundaries. He will likely start lying a lot right now too. You can't take kids personally because they don't know what they are saying. You don't want to overreact, I think I would just say something like ''that's a rude thing to say''. Since you are the natural disciplinarian perhaps you can come up with an appropriate discipline for him when he's being rude. Also he might feel a bit rejected as you have your new little one. You could offer him a bit of time every day (15 minutes) when you play any game with him he wants and he gets your undivided attention. The discipline you give your child now, will help him through life. Good luck

My older son was and even does once in a while expresses things like you are bad.. i like dad, he is more cool etc.... And he has always been emotionally independent and i am the strict one so all these things add to his reaction. couple of things that we did to change things around, I hope it will help you as well.

1. Dad needs to be more strict: talk to him and let him take charge whenever necessary. This also means you need to hold yourself back. In our case my husband didn't discipline him because i overdid it. So we decided that when both of are home and our son needs to be disciplined, dad will do it. If he doesn't I shall simply remind my him about it but not do anything myself. If he is not home then i will try to discipline him in much more calmer and if it doesn't work I simply tell him that i will have to talk to dad later about this and have him work with you on this.

2. SHOW him that mom CAN BE FUN TOO: spend some quality time alone with your kids. with the second child its possible that your older one feels left out and this is his way of expressing it. And when i say quality time i mean fun stuff and not chores and day today stuff. Take him for a game/show or park alone while dad can spend that time with your younger child. This will give you some bonding time. later when things get better and also when your second child is slightly older to interact have a quality time fun thing with both kids together.

3. Make him realize that mom is needed very important in his life: When you kids asks you to go cook or do something else. make him realize that cooking and cleaning and other things that you do are necessities of life and someone at home needs to do it. if you were not around then he will not get all that. It might seem like too much info for the kid but trust me they need to know that mom does this not for fun but because she love you... and cares for you.

4. AND above all when your kid dismisses you like that MAKE DAD REACT TO IT. Ask him to talk to your kid and explain that that's not ok, or it hurts ur mom and that he doesn't approve of it etc. HTH

PS: my son still expresses that his dad is cool but then their are days that he comes and hugs me and wants me around which he has never done with his cool dad so trust me they come around BUT we need to make it happen Shree

It can be so hard when our children let out their anger at us, especially when you are post-partum and feel vulnerable. It's hard as parents is not to take things personally, yet so important to practice!You know he is going through an adjustment process, some of which has nothing to do with you. Have you heard this story? Imagine that one day your partner comes home and says, ''Honey, I've decided to have another wife. She'll arrive in about 6 months and we'll all live happily together. We'll all love her, don't worry.'' This is a bit what a child feels, the parents who loved him only, now have more attention for the new baby, and especially he/she can feel the mother is the ''bad guy'' since she is the one nursing the baby, and doing all this hands on care that they no longer get. No wonder he is mad!, not so much at you as a person, but for what he has lost. At some point, when he is not mad, you could help him understand his feelings. ''You know honey, there have been so many changes with the baby coming. I know it's hard for you sometimes, and you probably feel mad that I'm not as free to do the things with you that we used to do. Its ok to be mad. It takes time to get used to having a new baby.'' When he is mad that you pick him up from school instead of his dad, you could possibly say ''I know it's fun to spend time with your dad, and you are disappointed it's me with baby. You really like playing with dad and being with a parent without the baby sometimes. He'll be home a bit later. What would you like to do with him when he comes home?'' Sometimes expressing the feelings we think our children have helps them to understand themselves, even though they might not say anything. It's easy as a child to get confused by strong feelings, and think you are ''bad'' for having them. You could also say ''I know you are mad, and you can always say 'I'm mad'! but I don't like it when you call me ''....'', or we don't call each other names in this house, please say ''I'm mad'' instead, or ''I don't like that.'' Giving our children tools to express their frustration, and differentiating it's ok to feel feelings, but we have to learn (over time) how to express them in ways that work, and avoid the ones that don't work for others.

Also perhaps learning parenting tools that are kind and firm. Time-outs sometimes make things worse for small children who need connection. Maybe your husband and you could take a parenting class together? Positive discipline classes can be very useful and can bring parents on the same page. Hope this is helpful. Good luck! Having a new baby is a hard transition time for everyone. Anon.

I was there! It may be hard for you to see this, but I am convinced your older child is angry/hurt because you are giving your attention to the baby! When I had my second child, my 3 year old girl (who was previously super- attached to me) suddenly started refusing to let me read to her or cuddle her before bed, saying I should go feed the baby so Daddy could read to her. She was not openly angry with the baby but she totally rejected me soon after we came home from the hospital. Some of this you cannot fix, it just has to pass as your older boy matures a bit and realizes that you are not totally gone. Here's what helped: Dad took the baby away from the house or I and my daughter left them at home, to do things alone together. You can call it ''special time'' and mention that the baby can't come. Also, I took her out to shop for books that she would realize would be more fun to read with me than Dad. I bought them and just put them on the shelf, saying ''tell me when you want to read these with me, Daddy doesn't want to read them.'' Try not to be holding or tending to the baby while you try to interact with him. Point out the ways in which he can help you or do some ''big boy'' things that the baby cannot do with you. Try not to take it personally - it is developmental. He is hurt that you (in his mind)''replaced'' him with another baby. It will pass. Don't forget to enjoy the simple sweetness of your new baby during this bittersweet time. This all happened 12 years ago, but I still recall how painful it was. Been there

Hi, I have gone through similar times, especially when my second child was born. I am also the disciplinarian while my husband slacks off and gets to be ''good time dad.'' I can't tell you exactly what the issue is or anything, but I would suggest that you carve out time for you and your son to do something special together every day. On regular days, maybe you just sit and play with him for 15 minutes, letting him direct the activity. My son and I love to play the game Trouble or build things with Legos, or draw and color, or bake muffins.

On days when your husband can be with the baby longer, go out and take your son to the zoo, a museum, the park, or beach. I think your son is a bit hurt and jealous that you've got the new baby and he's reacting to that. Don't make a big deal about it, but give him some special time so that your interactions with him or more than just discipline.

Now, if you're PPD, that's another story and if you need help you need to get help. Life with the two kids was way harder for me and I took a year to realize I had PPD. anonamom

Hi JJ, I'm in the almost exact same situation; have a 4 year old son and a baby boy just a few weeks older than yours. My 4 year old has always favored daddy a little bit (loves that rough stuff!) and it definitely got more extreme at the end of my pregnancy and now that the baby is here. While my feelings do get hurt sometimes when I take a step back it all seems pretty normal and natural. Let's face it small babies take a lot of mom's time and energy that used to go to big brother. Seems normal to feel a little bit rejected and act out in kind. All that nursing and soothing gets tiring for everyone. At 4 our boys know it is not ok to take it out on the baby (thank goodness!) so they take it out on us instead. Combine that with the fact that our 4 year old little guys are at a stage where they are learning about gender and really identifying with dad.

I work hard to enjoy and foster the good times between myself and my 4 year old, going so far as to make comments like ''It sure is nice to play with you like this'' etc when things are going well. My son is especially rejecting around bedtime and when he is acting out or screaming ''go away Momma'' I let him know that it hurts my feelings and that I love him all the time. In fact, we've made ''I love you all the time'' into a game that diffuses the situation.'' ''I love you when you're happy; I love you when you're sad. I love you when you're awake; I love you when you're sleeping. I love you when you're loud; I love you when you're quiet. I love you all the time.'' He enjoys coming up with more opposites to add to the list.

I hear ya, it's hard! Jenny

Kids go through normal phases of preferring one parent over another. This is just one of those times that he prefers Dad. My daughter was 3.5 yrs old when her brother was born. She favored Daddy from birth, and even though she was sometimes interested in the baby, she was often hurtful to me. She's 7 now and we have moments of real closeness, but she still favors my husband. And that's okay. The best advice I can give you is to keep doing what you've been doing, such as leaving the room when you're at the point of tears, and remember that this too shall pass.

I feel like too many parents today spend a lot of time explaining and discussing things with their kids, in a way treating those kids as adults. Remember how the adults spoke in those Peanuts cartoons? ''Wah wah wah wah wah wah.'' That's what our kids hear when the parent spends 20 minutes explaining how little Johnny hurt Mommy's feelings. Just deal with your newborn, take care of yourself, and let big brother adjust to having to share your attention. And still, remember to do things with your 4 yr old, even if it's just little things at first, and eventually this will all work out. So take him to the park and leave baby with Daddy, or take him to get ice cream and just sit there and enjoy watching him become a sticky 4-yr old mess. He needs to see that Mommy is not the only person who takes care of baby. It gets better, it gets easier, just don't make a big deal out of this behavior. anon

My kids go through phases where they prefer one of us to the other. It sucks when you are the one they don't like, but don't take it personally. It will change. I think your instincts are right in that trying to force it will make him act out all the more.

Remember that having a new baby is a big adjustment, especially for him, so give him time. Carve out some time for just the two of you. Start with things that are fun and always give him the choice -- ''Do you want to stay here with Daddy and baby or do you want to go out to ice cream/ to the park/ to ride the train with Mommy?'' Have your husband ask him to do things for the baby, like bring you a blanket for the baby when you are nursing, then you praise him for helping out and being such a good big brother. He's probably feeling displaced and is looking for ways to fit into the new family structure.

You could try to let him experience some logical consequences when he says means things. Like if you go pick him up from preschool and he says he wants your husband to pick him up, say okay, leave, and let your husband come half an hour later.

If he says mean things to you, your husband should be the one to deal with it if he's around or you are too upset. Not through punishment but just talking to him. ''Wow, that was not a very nice thing to say. I think you hurt Mommy's feelings. How would you feel if someone said something like that to you?'' Or you could just say, ''In our family, we don't talk to people like that.'' I try to go with a fairly neutral tone of voice -- no shame, no guilt. Because, after all, it sucks that he doesn't like you right now but you can't force affection. The best you can do is require him to keep nasty comments to himself and that takes awhile to learn how to do.

Also, if you are moved to tears by something a 4-year old says, you may well be having some post-partum issues.

BTW, I, too, am much more the disciplinarian than my husband but right now all 3 of my kids like me best. So don't feel like you need to give up that part. Anon

I'm sorry to hear about your situation but I'm pretty sure it's totally normal. Our then 3 year old daughter did a bit of that type of rejecting (less sophisticated b/c she is younger) when her sister was born last year. What helped then, and continues to help is: 1 - Spending time with the older child without the baby. 2 - Letting the older child see the other parent actively taking care of the infant (without mom's intervention).

So I would recommend taking just your older son to the park (or some other outing) while your husband takes care of the baby or have your husband take the baby out for a walk while you play cars with your older son.

As your infant gets older and is less (literally in some cases) attached to you and your husband gains confidence in caring for the infant, your older son will see that you aren't just the baby's parent but his too. Anon

I cannot really speak to the specifics of your case but I can say looking back now (with 14 months of hindsight) that bringing a sibling into a young child's life is an an extremely difficult thing. The first 6 months were really brutal -kids act up in different ways - but I really did see my kid and the kid of a close friend have major behavioral problems. It does get better (it takes a while). I suggest you get some books about managing siblings - I had one by Judy Dunn - it at least made me realize that my kid was not a complete nutcase and the behavior was normal, even if extremely difficult to manage. now that my kids are 3.5 and 14 months it is truly adorable to see them kiss and hug each other and make each other laugh. had a rough first year

My four year old was exactly the same way in the weeks following her baby brother's birth. I can't help but think that this is a way for your son to protect himself from his hard feelings about the baby's arrival. The way it seemed to me when my daughter would reject me (which was the first time this had happened in our family dynamic - I was usually the ''preferred'' parent) was that she was being pro-active when she rejected me because she felt rejected by the baby. All of a sudden, here was baby brother who changed my physical and emotional availability for her, no matter how intentional we were in making sure I had some time with her or involved her with the baby. It actually seemed kind of emotionally smart, a way to preempt her own rejection. She adores the baby, and always has, and in many ways doesn't have many of the struggles with her baby brother that I hear other kids experiencing. Directly. But I think she directed her feelings toward me. I remember nights where I was just devastated. It's such a big change for all people in a family to welcome a new person into the family dynamic - you're developing your relationship with the baby, your relationship with your eldest is changing, your relationship as parents together is changing - it's overwhelming! I don't really remember anything in particular helping, as I tried to spend time just with her, to be as available to her as possible, and to keep the parts of her routine that seemed important to her. I just let myself cry when I needed to (mostly not in front of my daughter - my feelings were so complicated and it wasn't just about her). I would tell her when she made me sad. I talked with other second-time parents and tried to trust that it would pass. Now, months later, I can tell you that things are MUCH easier and my relationship with my daughter is back on track now that our family is more settled into this new era overall. And we have the joy of seeing their relationship really start to get deeper as the baby grows, which makes it all so worth while. Get support from people who've been there. Be gentle with yourself and also with your eldest child, who is going through a huge transition. Acknowledge the transition with him, and give him some avenues pro-actively for expressing his feelings about it. He shouldn't feel that all his feelings should be happy ones. Of course they're not. And hang in there, it will get easier. Those first months are hard

My my 4/5 year old did the same thing to me when our 2nd baby was born. She had just turned 5 so she had been an ''only'' child for year already & already had the ''me'' attitude. She also has ADD, which my husband denied.I was unable toget her diagnosed until she was about 10. My husband was not on board with therapy for that either. He is not a very good disciplinarian, so my oldest daughter was able to manipulate him a lot easier than she was me. I became the ''mean mommy'' while HE was ''mr fun guy''. In addition, the little sister has developmental delays more time than a child without such issues. So even less time for older sister. Had my husband been more into his own family than his friends, had I been able to work less and take care of both kids more, had daddy been more in tune with discipline& backing me up(In other words being a PARENT rather than my child's FRIEND) a lot of issues may have been avoided. The 5 year old is now 14 1/2 & treats me very poorly. She is nice when she wants something, but mostly she smarts off at me,is rather lazy & expects things to be done for her. She is also jealous of the younger sister. What is sad is that the older daughter is extremely smart, she applies herself, she will be able to go far. But she has adopted this attitude of ''what mommy says means nothing''- she doesn't clean her room, spends hours on the computer, etc.& when she smarts off there is no comment from my husband. So my advice in general is: Dad have to support each other. If the child is being mean to Mom, then Dad has to step in very firmly that this is NOT the way to treat a parent. Some problems I see with some kids may be the lack of both parents being on the same page, lack of discipline (I don't mean spanking etc.- I mean teaching the kids a disciplined work ethic - doing homework before playing on the computer tv,etc) along with general respect for parents. It appears to me that that in some cases there has been too much ''power'' given to the child and somehow you have to work back to re-establish roles of parent and child so that the child is not running the show. This is extremely diffcult to do when the child is an adolescent! You may contact me if you want to talk about this issue some more, although I don't know if I can help much. turtlesrus

I am sure you will receive tons of responses, and while I have not been through a similar situation I empathize with how upsetting this must be. My first reaction to this is that your son is jealous and feels like since his sibling was born he is not getting enough attention from you. Have you thought about pumping milk for your new baby, leaving him with your husband, and taking an afternoon to have a ''date'' with your son? Go to the zoo, or some other fun thing where you can spend time just the two of you. Give your husband the baby to feed once a day and spend quality time with your older son, read some books, play with cars. Make sure he knows you have a special time with him too.

I agree that kids need to know when they are hurting someone's feelings. You can tell him so, but tell him you love him too. He doesn't hate you, he is just having a hard time sharing you. This too shall pass.

I've had this issue with my 3-year-old daughter after my 2nd baby was born (9 months ago). Take heart. It's a jealousy thing. At first, whenever I was holding the baby -- which was a lot since I was bfeeding -- my older daughter had to be siting on daddy's lap at the same time, etc. and started saying she wanted daddy to this or that. It broke my heart, bc she was always a ''momma's girl.'' So I made a point to spend time alone with her, and do special things with her - the playground, reading books, etc. to balance things out. It's important to train your child be polite, etc. but it's also important to play with them. So things are now balanced. And we don't let her state ''I want mommy/ daddy to do it!'' regarding reading books, brushing teeth, etc. We decide, not her. Best of luck, been there. anon

Is there any way you can get your husband to really do more of the discipline and you just try to ignore him? It is hard and seems immature, but it might really work better. If he is getting mileage out of being hurtful, he is learning that it works. If you can 'act' unconcerned and ignore him, he won't get the message that being mean gets to the soul... another easily hurt person

You expressed the dilemma very well.I'm glad to hear about the addition to your family. Obviously I don't know all the circumstances, but it is possible that son is angry about something. It could be as simple as feeling that you had stopped paying attention to him! It could also be something different. Maybe when they are playing, dad could just causually ask him if he is angry at mommy about something. It might turn out that he is just a little jealous. It could also be that he is adjusting in his own way to his new role of being big brother, and is taking ownership for being more independent. This would be a positive thing. It's a time of adjustment for everyone. Since you've got plenty to do, maybe just let dad handle son for awhile. Best wishes! Latest blog post about why I don't like time outs at www.parentmoment.com R