Favoring One Parent Over the Other: Toddlers
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17mo daughter's preference for dad making me sad
Nov 2013 Pretty much from birth, my now 17 month old daughter has adored her father, and appeared to even favor him from the onset. Over the past 17 months, it has become more and more clear that he is her favorite. When she is upset about something, it is him that she reaches for, sometimes now eve batting my hands away or shaking her head when I try to console or hold her. At bedtime, when it is my turn to put her down (we alternate nights), she lets out several whimpers when I exit our living room to take her to the bedroom. Nary a sigh when it is his turn to put her to bed and she has to leave me! When he gets home from work, she squeals and gesticulates wildly with glee. When I have been gone for a few hours, I get barely a smile. The number of times throughout the day that she reaches for him over me is countless, and now that she is more and more expressive, it is becoming harder and harder to deny her preference for him, and consequently harder and harder for me to deal with.
I know everyone says that ''they change'', ''she's just going through a phase'', etc., but it has been almost a year and a half now, pretty much uninterrupted. Just for some context: I stay home with her (here again, I know many people will say that that is the reason why she prefers him, she takes me for granted, etc., etc., and maybe this is the case, but I am looking for something more), and my husband works, though he is only away from home 3 days a week (so it's not even like he is gone all the time and she doesn't see him!).
I understand that there's a very real origin for the phrase ''daddy's girl,'' I just didn't think I would learn so brutally how heartbreaking it is for it to feel so lopsided. It is especially sad for me because my own mother is the person I am closest to in the world, and have been since birth. I was so excited to have a girl, hoping for that connection. I know that one cannot predict what will be five, ten, twenty years from now between her and I, but I feel somewhat robbed of this special time with my daughter. And, unfortunately for me, all of the other SAHM friends that I have have daughters who adore them, and favor them over the dad. I am starting to think that I a) have bad karma, b) have done something to her in some way that I know nothing about, or c) that my husband is just a more lovable person than me. Whatever turns out to be the case, I am feeling pretty low about it all and would love some words of empathy, related tales, moral support, etc. Thanks! rachel
I feel your pain, Mama! I was in the same boat for a few years with my now-5-yr-old. We are a two-mom family, and she naturally felt closer to her other Mama between ages 1-4. It was hell. I was the one who carried her, nursed her, was a SAHM for her... But she always had (and always will have) this amazing, deep connection with my wife. It was very, very hard for me. The hardest was between ages 1.5-3.5, when I was also dealing with the complications of adding a second child to the family- being pregnant with her, nursing her, having a NB, etc. All of that drove an even deeper wedge between us. It was horrifying.
Now we're good, though. I got through it by: 1)allowing myself to acknowledge the awfulness of the situation (no guilt-trips for feeling hurt!), 2)being strong and giving her all the love and attention I was able to -no passive-aggressive bullshit (she's just a kid and can't help the way she feels!), and the same went for my relationship with my wife, 3)accepting that even if we didn't have the kind of relationship that I had imagined for us I could still be there for her, in every way a mother should.
Over the last year and a half things have shifted again. I would say she appears to be equally attached to both of us now. I am pleasantly SHOCKED by this turn of events -never would have predicted it.
You'll get through it to. It's hard. It sucks. Talk about it with your friends and/or therapist. Allow yourself to acknowledge the hurt you feel. Then step up and be her parent, through thick and thin. Remember, how you handle this now might just end up having a HUGE effect on your relationship with her forever. So tread carefully. This is a crucial time for you two -and maybe for her and her daddy, too. Her being ''allowed'' to be uber close to him right now may end up serving her very, very well for her future relationships with men. Who knows?
You can do it! Good luck! mailisha
I've been there-- really-- and I understand. I cannot even describe fully the extent of my daughter's dad-preference in her early years. She would have full, screaming, head-banging meltdowns during the day, screaming that she only wanted Daddy-- not me. She never willingly let me buckle her carseat, push her stroller, hand her a cup, practically anything, when he was around.
I was a SAHM and a pretty darn good one. Furthermore, I nursed her until she was 2. I held her in a sling for hours every day as an infant and toddler and let her fall asleep in my arms day and night. I'm a pretty patient, affectionate, kind person most of the time, but it was hard to remember that as she was rejecting me. I wondered if something serious was going wrong in our relationship. I thought up some pretty good reasons why my husband was just better and more loveable than I was. It was really crushing at times.
I remember many times trying to hide my tears from her when I let this dad-preference make me feel like a failure. I had your fears. All my SAHM friends would complain about the difficulties of their children's mommy preference and it made me feel like such a failure. I wondered ''what is wrong with me that my own daughter doesn't like me-- her primary care giver??'' It seemed the opposite of other mothers' experiences.
The bad news is, this lasted for 2 or 3 years, to some extent. But I tried hard to stay calm and confident that all my love would prevail, that deep down she loved me just as much. I am happy to tell you that she is now 8 and we have a great relationship. She has a great relationship with her dad, too, but I am the one she usually wants when she is upset; I am the one best able to soothe her fears and cheer her up. There is no trace of parental preference souring our relationship-- she is great with both of us-- but if anything, she is the one who is most likely to ask for me instead of my husband. Our relationship came out strong (so far!) and so will yours.
It is hard for any parent to let go of the expectations they have for what it means to have a child. Of course, you will have to let go of some of what you were expecting-- all parents do-- and your relationship won't look precisely like what you'd dreamed of, but you will have a positive, close, loving relationship, just like you'd hoped, if you stay calm and keep at it! (or even if you freak out a bit and keep at it). I was never able to find anyone who'd experienced anything quite like this, so I wanted to write in to say that I understand that after it's gone on for a while, or gotten rough enough, it stops feeling like a ''phase''-- but in my case, that's all it was and I'm sure the same will be true for you. And hopefully a shorter one! -Hope this helps
I have no advice for you, but I can commiserate, because this happened to me too. And not with just one child, but with all three! And not just in toddlerhood, but starting in babyhood and continuing until about age 5. My feelings were hurt terribly. But as they got older, they became more reasonable people and now are pretty balanced. In fact, now they prefer hanging out with their siblings than either parent anyway. So again, no advice, just sympathy. The UNfavorite
All I can say is I know exactly how you feel. My three year old son is the same. He just adores his dad and definitely prefers him over me. He's fine with me when it's just the two of us, but when my husband is around, our son will always go to his dad rather than me if he is upset. He cuddles his dad more and listens to him more too. Often he cuddles his dad when we say goodnight, but refuses to cuddle me.
I would be lying if I said it didn't hurt my feelings sometimes, especially as I put so much energy into giving my child a lovely life, but as he is getting older, we are developing a deeper bond and we do lots of fun things together, just the two of us. I guess you can't bring a baby into this world and expect them to be who you want them to be. My child is his own person and I suppose I can't MAKE him like me as much as his dad. He's obviously just more drawn to him and I don't think it's anything personal against me. I think it's just a chemistry thing. I hope it will change as he gets older but my advice to you would be don't take it personally. Try to just accept your child as they are and like everyone says, I'm sure it will change. As long as you've got a good relationship with your child too, the main thing is your child has two loving parents and will have a great start in life. Second Favorite Parent
17-month-old favors mom
My 17 month old daughter goes through periods where her preference for me, her mother, over her father is quite evident. It is very uncomfortable to watch. When this happens, we take it as a sign that daddy needs to spend more time alone with her. He takes her out of the house to a fun place like the park. I go to the door and wave good-bye and though she looks sad for a moment, she quickly realizes that she is going somewhere fun and forgets all about me. It works like magic! Each time, she has returned with a new, loving appreciation for her daddy.
We've been going through a similar stage with our daughter since 20 months, and now at 25 mos. it is definitely on the wane. Since I (the mother) work part-time at home and spend many more hours with our daughter than her father can, she became a bit of a mommy's girl and would be quite unflinching in her preference for me, often saying very hurtful things to her father (who adores her). She is also quick to say I don't like (Babysitter) when our sitter arrives three mornings a week to look after her. I always cringe when I hear her say that- thankfully our sitter doesn't take it personally like my husband does.
The way we've tried to cope with it is by adding some Father-Daughter activities to our weekly routine that allow my daughter to have quality time with her dad and at those times I simply make myself scarce. I found that when I was around all the time, my husband couldn't successfully get my daughter's attention. So he started taking her to a Saturday morning swim class at the Albany Pool and he also took over responsibility for the nightly bath. This gave me a break (which I needed) and provided some continuity in my husband's relationship with her. At first, she was leery and kept wanting Mommy. But now, after bathtime she is completely receptive to being read to or played with or tucked into bed for the night by her father and I can be involved or not, depending on what else is going on.
My husband and I realized that, from our daughter's POV, Daddy did not seem all that dependable as compared to Mommy. My husband works long, often irregular hours. He travels periodically. Sometimes he leaves home early before she's awake and sometimes he comes home late and she doesn't see him at dinnertime or even before going to bed. So my husband had to make a conscious effort to come home in time to spend the dinner and bath times with her whenever possible. At this age, children really long for the security that comes from having everything in its place (from THEIR perspective). My daughter still asks every day: Where's Daddy? (at work) Where's (Babysitter)? (she went home) Where's Mommy? (i'm right here). Routines (in which both parents regularly participate) and lots of reassurance have helped our daughter. She still has her moments when only Mommy will do, but now fortunately she can also feel secure with her father. Good luck !!
The best explanation I found for this is that the child at that age will favor whomever he/she spends the most time with. So whatever you can do to increase the time that her father spends with her should help. I still find that after I have to work a weekend, and therefore my husband has a lot more contact with them than usual, they are much more likely to go to him for comfort, etc. It actually gives me a bit of a break during the next week.
All I have to offer is commiseration: I'm a mom whose first child favored his dad, especially since I had a caesarean and another surgery during his first 6 months. I also worked outside the home, whereas his father worked at home. This caused me great anguish, so I can sympathise with your husband. To some degree our older son still favors his dad, has to have his dad with him when he goes to sleep etc. In some situations, though I've managed to create a bond--he comes to me when he's afraid of a new situation, and we do homework together now (he's 5) because i'm more patient (sometimes) than his dad.
Our second son, on the other hand, has always cleaved to me. This made me feel better, but it also made me realize that it's not really something I do or don't do, or at least not entirely something I do or don't do...whether it's personality or circumstances or what I don't know. He still demands me, even though sometimes he and his dad have more fun (i don't roughhouse with him, for example, now that he's 34 pounds!).
I imagine it is a temporary phase with your daughter...it helps sometimes us if the less-favored parent spends time alone with the child in question doing something special--but it could just be a phase you have to tough out. Good luck!
In regards to Favoring Mom over Dad. My now 3 year old displayed the same behavior starting about a year ago and it's still happening today. At first he favored me (mom) over Dad. Dad was really hurt and confused because our child always loved to see him come home, hug and kiss him, etc. I tried to comfort Dad and assured him that I'm the MOM so so naturally children show favoritism to MOMS Boy was I wrong. Not much longer after that, DAD was the favorite parent. At first I was a little crushed, but then I realized that it's just a part of them growing up. A part of them making choices of who they want hugs and kisses from at that particular time. Needless to say our son goes back and forth with playing favorites. It's almost like a game now. Nothing to worry about DAD, soon enough you'll be the favorite again. Prepare yourself MOM, that first moment of rejection tugs at you a bit, but it will happen. Just love your kids and know that regardless of their little developing attitudes, they Love you back!
18-month-old is rejecting mommy
Jan 2009
My beautiful, funny, happy 18 month old daughter has recently started rejecting me (mommy) and it's breaking my heart. Unlike with her dad or grandma or older brother (he's 5), she doesn't run to me when I come in the door, she refuses to hug me (says ''no!''), pushes me away when I try to hold her, and only seems to begrudgingly accept my presence when there is no one else around. If Daddy or Grandma come into the house, she runs to them (if they're even in another room, she won't stay with me). My husband says she calls ''momma'' all the way home from her nannyshare when she is there, yet when she gets home she wants nothing to do with me. I work from home, so I see her a lot (the nannyshare is at our house 2 days/week), spend one weekday alone with her, still nurse her morning and evening, and feel like I am generally very hands-on, loving and affectionate. She's never been super cuddly, but I thought we had a very close bond. What is happening??? very sad momma
Totally normal. My DD did this to a lesser extent at this age. I was terribly hurt that she preferred her dad. She would say, ''no mommy. I want Daddy!'' And I would go into our room and cry. Then she switched her allegiance one day and was all about mommy. Now she is 4 and is equal in her affection. Now my 19 month old son has always preferred me and I have done nothing different as a parent. Don't worry. It's a phase (and I sympathize) anon
I would come home from work and my daughter would run up to me but only to nurse then run off to my mom. My mom said that she would tell her she misses me while I'm at work. But when I got home, I never got hugs or kisses or any signs of her missing me at all. But when her dad came home, she would say I love you loud enough that people at the end of the block should be able to hear her. And she'd run to him, hug him and kiss him. Then she got older and at some point she liked me again. Hang in there, she'll come back.
Welcome to my world. I have to say, reading your post was a huge validation for me. My son started ''rejecting'' me right around the time he turned 18 months and I was completely devastated. I think the worst was when I met his dad (we are no longer together) at a grocery store and my son ran from me to his dad, gave hiim a big hug and kiss, and then proclaimed to everyone who passed that that was his ''daddy.'' I actually started to cry in the store. I called one of my girlfriends sobbing wanting to know how come I do all the work (including breastfeeding) and his dad gets all the credit. She listened and told me how she went through the same thing with her little girl (they all live in the same household). She told me how it was a natural phase children go through and that they do get over it. I talked to several other women and they shared the same. I hope this helps. I know it can be very painful. My son is now a little over 19 months and it's getting a little better and I'm not as hurt anymore. I hope this helps you even a little, if not a lot. Take care. anon
21-month-old favors mom
Our 21 month old daughter has started showing a strong preference for her mother (me) and is rebuffing her father. She used to run to the door to greet Papa when he came home, throwing her arms around his leg and kissing him. Now she barely notices when he comes home. She has always run to me for comfort, but used to prefer playing with Papa. It has been a gradual distancing over the last two months or so. Tonight she repeatedly refused to let him read to her, hug her, play a game, or look at him. Needless to say, it makes my husband feel awfu. I think that she is probably just going through a phase. Any advice for how my husband could go about reconnecting with her or any words of comfort for him while he waits it out? Thanks.
We've been going through a similar stage with our daughter since 20 months, and now at 25 mos. it is definitely on the wane. Since I (the mother) work part-time at home and spend many more hours with our daughter than her father can, she became a bit of a mommy's girl and would be quite unflinching in her preference for me, often saying very hurtful things to her father (who adores her). She is also quick to say I don't like (Babysitter) when our sitter arrives three mornings a week to look after her. I always cringe when I hear her say that- thankfully our sitter doesn't take it personally like my husband does.
The way we've tried to cope with it is by adding some Father-Daughter activities to our weekly routine that allow my daughter to have quality time with her dad and at those times I simply make myself scarce. I found that when I was around all the time, my husband couldn't successfully get my daughter's attention. So he started taking her to a Saturday morning swim class at the Albany Pool and he also took over responsibility for the nightly bath. This gave me a break (which I needed) and provided some continuity in my husband's relationship with her. At first, she was leery and kept wanting Mommy. But now, after bathtime she is completely receptive to being read to or played with or tucked into bed for the night by her father and I can be involved or not, depending on what else is going on.
My husband and I realized that, from our daughter's POV, Daddy did not seem all that dependable as compared to Mommy. My husband works long, often irregular hours. He travels periodically. Sometimes he leaves home early before she's awake and sometimes he comes home late and she doesn't see him at dinnertime or even before going to bed. So my husband had to make a conscious effort to come home in time to spend the dinner and bath times with her whenever possible. At this age, children really long for the security that comes from having everything in its place (from THEIR perspective). My daughter still asks every day: Where's Daddy? (at work) Where's (Babysitter)? (she went home) Where's Mommy? (i'm right here). Routines (in which both parents regularly participate) and lots of reassurance have helped our daughter. She still has her moments when only Mommy will do, but now fortunately she can also feel secure with her father. Good luck !!
The best explanation I found for this is that the child at that age will favor whomever he/she spends the most time with. So whatever you can do to increase the time that her father spends with her should help. I still find that after I have to work a weekend, and therefore my husband has a lot more contact with them than usual, they are much more likely to go to him for comfort, etc. It actually gives me a bit of a break during the next week.
All I have to offer is commiseration: I'm a mom whose first child favored his dad, especially since I had a caesarean and another surgery during his first 6 months. I also worked outside the home, whereas his father worked at home. This caused me great anguish, so I can sympathise with your husband. To some degree our older son still favors his dad, has to have his dad with him when he goes to sleep etc. In some situations, though I've managed to create a bond--he comes to me when he's afraid of a new situation, and we do homework together now (he's 5) because i'm more patient (sometimes) than his dad.
Our second son, on the other hand, has always cleaved to me. This made me feel better, but it also made me realize that it's not really something I do or don't do, or at least not entirely something I do or don't do...whether it's personality or circumstances or what I don't know. He still demands me, even though sometimes he and his dad have more fun (i don't roughhouse with him, for example, now that he's 34 pounds!).
I imagine it is a temporary phase with your daughter...it helps sometimes us if the less-favored parent spends time alone with the child in question doing something special--but it could just be a phase you have to tough out. Good luck!
In regards to Favoring Mom over Dad. My now 3 year old displayed the same behavior starting about a year ago and it's still happening today. At first he favored me (mom) over Dad. Dad was really hurt and confused because our child always loved to see him come home, hug and kiss him, etc. I tried to comfort Dad and assured him that I'm the MOM so so naturally children show favoritism to MOMS Boy was I wrong. Not much longer after that, DAD was the favorite parent. At first I was a little crushed, but then I realized that it's just a part of them growing up. A part of them making choices of who they want hugs and kisses from at that particular time. Needless to say our son goes back and forth with playing favorites. It's almost like a game now. Nothing to worry about DAD, soon enough you'll be the favorite again. Prepare yourself MOM, that first moment of rejection tugs at you a bit, but it will happen. Just love your kids and know that regardless of their little developing attitudes, they Love you back!
My older son preferred his Dad from the time he was old enough to express a preference. It hurt like hell. It seemed unnatural; I was the Mom, and Moms are supposed to be the closer bonded. It seemed personal; I spent more time with him, and took care of everything to make his life easy (all the shopping, all the pre-school looking, all the planning). It seemed endless; it lasted for three years or more. Then along came son number 2. >From the get-go he was Mommy's boy, though he never pushed Dad away like the first pushed me away. They are now 8 and 4. And while both are connected with both parents, and neither plays one parent off another, their respective personalities mesh most (and are most like) the personalities of the parent they preferred early on. My older son is a math wizard (like Dad), a punster (like Dad), and a thinker (like Dad). My younger son is emotionally connected (like Mom), very warm (like Mom), creative (like Mom), and irrepressible (like Mom). What's cause, what's effect? Who knows. Just don't take a toddler's preferences personally, hang on, and everything will iron out by the time they are four or so.
My 17 month old daughter goes through periods where her preference for me, her mother, over her father is quite evident. It is very uncomfortable to watch. When this happens, we take it as a sign that daddy needs to spend more time alone with her. He takes her out of the house to a fun place like the park. I go to the door and wave good-bye and though she looks sad for a moment, she quickly realizes that she is going somewhere fun and forgets all about me. It works like magic! Each time, she has returned with a new, loving appreciation for her daddy.
Two Year Olds
2-year-old on a Daddy-rejecting bender
Dec 2011
My son who is 28 months has been on a Daddy-rejecting bender. My husband is totally sweet and loving with him but is at the end of his rope. Yesterday he'd had a hard day and as he came in the door the first words out of my son's mouth were, ''Go away! Go back to work, Daddy!'' My son and husband used to have a special bond. But now as Mommy I am the preferred for everything. I have no idea what to do or say to either of them. I'd like advice only from folks who have experienced this themselves and have something positive to say about being on the other side of it. Thanks! -Caught in the Middle
It's been a long time since this has happened in our house -- my son that went through this phase is now almost 11 and often doesn't want to be around either of us, but that's another story. I seem to recall giving him a heads up that Daddy was on his way helped a lot. I'd heard or read that transitioning from the attention of one parent to two can be over-stimulating if they're not aware it's about to happen. I'd have my husband give us a call when he was almost home and then I'd let my son know he was coming. And, I'd move onto very busy tasks (like dinner!) and let them have some alone time to play, chat, bond, etc. I was no fun and Daddy was all fun and availability. I remember it working. Can't hurt, might help.
The same thing happened to me. What we did was determine certain activities that only I would do. Now I give my son his bath and read him stories every night before bed. At first he whined for my husband (the primary caregiver) but my husband was very firm that I did the bath and story time and he just comes up for hugs when we were done. The key is not giving in even if it's tough the first few times.
Now my son doesn't want anyone else to do his bath but me. We're much closer and seem to have gotten over this hurdle. It's horrible to come home from a long day at work to a kid who doesn't want to see you. Now those days are few and far between. Been there, hated it
I am in just the same spot as you: my son is 27 months old (mid-July birthday), and his dad is super kind and playful with him. My husband had two solid weeks of hard work where he barely saw our kids, and now, as if overnight, my son won't have anything to do with him. He's developed extreme separation anxiety from me as well, and will freak out when I so much as leave the room to use the bathroom. It's hard on both parents: my husband wants more time with our son, and I'd like an occasional break from doing every little thing for him.
All I can say is I remember when my daughter (now six) went through this also, and it does pass. I remind my husband now, who like yours is dismayed by all this, that the time came when the tables turned and my daughter wanted dad, dad, dad all the time. I'm trying to make him feel secure and enjoy that it's my lap he wants, as that will change soon enough. Hang in there! In the same boat
2-year-old's preference for his dad hurts me
Dec 2008
I've been feeling hurt by my son's preference for his father over me. Since he was 12 months old, he's asked for his dad whenever he's hurt, scared, or wakes up in the middle of the night. If he has a tantrum, he rejects me (runs away and says, ''No mama!'') and clings to his dad. He will come to me if dad's not around, though.
My husband and I both work from home, but I take greater responsibility for the kids if the nanny needs help. On the whole, though, we share parenting equally and have similar parenting styles.
What can I do to foster a better relationship with my son? We have regular outings, just the two of us. We have a solid relationship... until he gets upset, then he looks for his dad. I'm sad because this has been going on for two years now and I'm hurt every time it happens. Mother of Daddy's Boy
Hi. I've had your experience too with my sons and I have felt the same way too but you know, it's all in how you look at it. I think it's wonderful that your son feels so safe with his dad. If you stop applying the pressure or feeling jealous and insecure, before you know it, he'll be seeking you. Just give him space and you'll see. Good luck and enjoy the bond. anon
I reviewed the responses to earlier posts like this, and saw one I had written way back when my boys were 8 and 4. (The gist: Yes, it hurts like hell. Don't take it personally. It will pass.) Now they are 17 and 14. And, I am pleased to say, the 17-year-old, once the Daddy's boy, now hates us equally. :) As my (very wise) grandmother used to say re all kid behavior, when you think you can't stand it any more, it changes. Hold On and Keep Smiling
2-year-old refuses to have dad around
Jan 2007
Hi, Not sure if this is common or not, but my 2 year old daughter refuses to have anything to do with me at night. She yells ''no dad, no dad'' and only wants her mom. Sometimes this is because she is tired and wants to nurse and wants the comfort of mom. There are times during the day where she will refuse to come to me, sometimes ignores me and sometimes even goes to play with other dads in a playgroup.
Luckily, this only happens 30% of the time, and when she is not acting this way we play together, she hugs and kisses me, wants to read and play with me.
It is very hurtful when she doesnt want me and even more hurtful when she goes to other dads in the group. Anyone have adivce or been through this? Thanks
My 2.5 year-old son is the exact same way, although I'm the mom so he only wants me and not daddy. he's mean too, yelling things like ''no, not you daddy!''. I feel so bad for my husband, but after we read ''Your two year old: Terrible or Tender'' (by Louise Bates Ames, http://tinyurl.com/2jxbyf), we relaxed as this is apparently normal. Twos often want the ''unavailable' parent. I often want time to myself to clean or cook dinner or to just have a break at night. I think this makes me mentally 'unavailable' and my son senses this so he only wants me. One thing that helps: specific time with Dad only. I go out or my husband takes our son out during the weekend (to a park, museum, etc.). The more time they spend together alone, the more my son wants to hang out with him, although he still reverts back to wanting mommy only. My only advice: this is a phase, she will grow out of it, and please try not to take it personally (easier said than done, I know!). Sometimes now he wants daddy only and is mean to me, and I am relieved as I want a break! (And dad is very happy.) This too shall pass
This helped us: the ''favored'' parent would say something along the lines of, ''You're being disrespectful to my sweetheart. In our family we treat each other kindly. You need to be polite to dad.'' Took a while, but in the end seemed to help. Occasionally (now at 3yo) our daughter will test, such as saying, ''I don't want daddy to read stories, I want mommy'' when it's daddy's turn to read stories. We reply that it's fine, she doesn't need to have any stories! She always changes her tune after that. Heather
2-year-old only wants dad - pushes mom away
July 2004
I have a happy 23 month old daughter and have recently been lucky enough to leave my career to be at home with her full time for awhile. we spend lots of quality time together, going to parks, the zoo, music classes, etc. She and I have a good relationship and I make lots of effort to connect with her and show her how much I care for her. A couple of months ago, she began to develop a great attachment to her father. She\x92s always been fond of him - but suddenly she only wants to play with him when he\x92s home, only wants him to read her books, etc - often pushing me away. When the three of us are together, she has stopped giving me hugs and kisses in favor of cuddling and hugging her dad, and only says hello to him in the mornings, even when I\x92m the one to get up early to greet her. I feel slightly silly writing this because I know it must sound like I have nothing major to complain about - but it is painful to feel excluded by your child and I just wonder if anyone out there has experienced a similar situation, in which their child seemed to favor one parent over the other quite suddenly, with no appparant trigger (I am not aware of anything I did to push her away emotionally.) My husband is equally surprised by her sudden extreme affection toward him - and though charmed by it, he is empathetic and tries to make sure she includes me too, to which she usually refuses with a \x93no mama!\x94 Strangely enough, if she and I have a particularly playful and happy time together during the day, she will call me \x93daddy.\x94 I wonder if this is a normal developmental stage she is going through, or if there is something specific I should do to try to reconnect with her? - mother of a daddy\x92s girl
A wise 9 year old boy was telling my fortune when my daughter was a baby. What he said, ''Sometimes your daughter will love her daddy more, and sometimes she'll love her mommy more, until she's a teenager and doesn't like either of you.'' It was very comforting, and true! anon
This is a really really typical reaction of a 2 year old with a new baby. In fact, I find that reactions to new babies tend to peak at about 2-4 months after the new baby arrives. It sounds to me like she has recognized that she can get a reaction out of you and its a control/manipulation thing. Children can be very perceptive about this stuff, they will always find the one thing that really gets to you and then work it, esp if you are spending a lot of time with the new baby. If I we! re you, I would really really try to act like I don't care. And have your husband ignore it too. Not even a sad look, just go about your business like she didn't reject you (I know, its hard). Give it a couple of weeks and see if she stops once she is not getting a reaction. In the mean time, give her extra alone time if you can. Don't worry, she is doing this because she loves you, not the opposite. But beware, if you get rid of this behavior/reaction to the new baby, you may have another even more difficult one lurking just around the corner. good luck
2-year-old prefers dad
Nov 2003
I have an almost 2 year old son and ever since he was able to express feelings / preferences he has clearly preferred my husband. When I'm the only one around or pick him up from daycare by myself he is running up to me and hugging me, but as soon as my husband is around, he doesn't want anything or much to do with me. Sometimes he even pushes me away when I come too close to him and his dad. This is really starting to weigh down on me and I feel more often than not very sad and am crying a lot over this. My husband is understanding to a certain point, but he thinks I'm taking it too seriously since our son is just a little kid. He also thinks that I'm holding him responsible and show it in my attitude towards him. I don't think I'm holding him responsible, but I do have to admit that I'm envious of him being the prefered one and that probably shows. I know that everyone says little kids can only concentrate on one person at a time and that the preference is supposed to switch back and forth between mom and dad (then again, aren't little boys supposed to be more attached to their moms?) Since this has been going on for about a year now, I can't imagine that it will ever change or turn my way. I also have to say that my husband was always very involved with our son and (except for breastfeeding) did at least as much as I did in respect to all the chores like getting up at night, feeding, cleaning etc. He is also a very happy and fun person and is great with our son when they play or goofe around ... I'm thinking that this might be part of the problem since I just can't live up to the fun interaction he has with our son. I'm trying hard, but I am who I am and can't really change my personality.
I just wanted to see if anyone is or was in a similar situation and what they did to deal with it or overcome/change it. This is starting to affect my life and my relationship/feelings towards my husband and son who are both wonderful people. a sad mom
I didn't know if whether to laugh or cry when I read your posting. I'm going through the exact same thing with my 2 year old son. Although I don't have advice to give I thought you might find comfort in knowing you are not alone. It is constantly on my mind and I'm getting increasingly depressed about it. You are right - everyone says it's normal and it will change but sometimes I feel like it's hopeless. I just want to be myself and be a great mother without constantly trying to ''win over'' my son. I look forward to reading the responses to your comment. Good luck!! anon
Your post could have been written by me. For more than a year (I didn't really keep track, maybe 18 months), my son always favored his dad. If it was just the two of us, he'd love to see me and have fun with me usually, although there were also many demands (and sometimes crying jags) for his dad if he wasn't there. In fact, often if his dad was there, he would push me away and shout, ''no, mama!Mama go away.'' This was worse because often my husband and I would share childcare enough that my kiddo worried if I came into the room, that meant his dad was leaving. My husband was also very involved in childcare, but also less there than I was (working more hours) so more highly prized. Also he tended to be more ''fun'', concentrating solely on him, whereas I tended to multitask and try to do laundry, phone calls, dishes, cooking also. Also my husband tended to be easy with discipline whereas I enforced cleanup, leaving when I said we would, etc. I also felt sad about it. It helped to have some special time where I just concentrated on being with him, reading, playing, drawing, singing. And I think it made a difference to work a bit more. It also really helped to sometimes not listen to him say go away but really stay and be the 3 of us together having fun as much as possible. Or at least be in the room (reading or whatever). But some of it I think was just time. He's 2 yrs 8 months now and he's JUST begun to equalize his preferences and to also ask for me and really seem to enjoy my company just as much. Good luck and know you aren't alone. been there
I'm sorry that you're so sad about this. I know it can feel hurtful, but please believe that it's a phase, and that it doesn't mean that your son doesn't love you with all his heart. The thing is, you're the one he feels so comfortable and bonded with that he takes you for granted in his own toddler way. It will most likely go away in time; on the other hand, he will probably always have a special kind of bond with his dad that he doesn't have with you (and vice-versa). This happens only occasionally with me, and what I do is let him have his daddy time, and I go read a magazine, or do something by myself. Try to make his rejection of you into something good for you--focus on what good can come of it for you, and not on the idea that he doesn't want you or love you (because he really, really does). And, as with other things toddlers do, if you try not to make it seem like a big deal to you, he may stop sooner. Take care. You're a great mom. been there
Hello, I was in your boat! My son is now almost five and about six months ago he started to see me as someone he could love. I hope your son comes around. anon
We have this problem in my home too. Occassionally I will get a little green with envy, but mostly I just let them have their fun. What seems to irk me the most is that Im busy sorting laundry, vacuuming, cooking, packing the diaper bag for daycare, etc. and stop for a minute to listen to my son's hysterical giggles. Hey!!!! If I wasn't doing all this stuff I could be giggling too. My advice is to just let it go. If you find some quality alone time with your son, he will show you the affection you crave. Im lucky because my partner works odd hours and I do get a lot of alone time with my son and we do get to play and cuddle, plus my boy still nurses (Daddy aint got nothin on the breastmilk). So enjoy the times you are alone with your son more. Maybe you and your husband can make a deal where he loads the dishwasher or something while you get your boy into his bath and jammied and ready for bed. That definitely works in my house. Lori
I'm in a similar situation, in some ways. My husband is the SAHD/primary caregiver and so it's natural for our 15 month old son to prefer him since he's with him more often. I do feel envious at times and hurt when Ben needs to be comforted and only wants Da-Dee. It was especially difficult when I came home from work one day and met them at our neighborhood park. My husband had an errand to run and so left us there and Ben was very upset, pushing me away and crying for Da-Dee for 5 minutes straight.
But...I have to understand that this relationship is what's important to Ben and so I step aside when I have to and never force him if there's no need. Our situation differs in that Ben will switch over to me if I spend the day with him. Maybe my husband takes a weekend day for himself or Ben and I go for a day ourselves. If I spend the better part of the weekend that switch is stronger. Also, his preference does seem to be the strongest on Friday (after a long workweek) and weakest at the end of the weekend (after spending a lot of time with me).
I know our situations may differ in some significant ways but for me the solutions were part attitude and part logistics. 1) spend as much time with him as possible, 2)keep my needs separate from the needs of my child (my feeling left out vs his need to bond with his daddy), 3)keep in mind that I will be his mommy forever and there is plenty of time for me to find my special place with him, 4)when he is showing a strong preference I participate in the activity with him and daddy, and become as involved as Ben will let me, 5)always look for the windows when he^Rll let me take the primary role and step in, 6)when I'm comforting him and he calls for daddy I try some gentle distraction (like walking out on the porch) to see if he'll calm with me. If not, I call in the daddy, 7)keep in mind that it is true to an extent that young children often bond with one caregiver, who is preferred over all others (usually it^Rs the mommy and so it feels odd to us when its not), 8) this has NOTHING to do with my love for my son or my abilities as a mother, 9)sometimes I try to see the blessing in disguise ^V if he wants to play with daddy then I get a free minute or two to eat my lunch in peace or do a personal chore. And at night it means I get to sleep while my husband often has to get up and comfort him, and 10) if I was to be honest with myself, wasn^Rt there one of my parents who I preferred over the other (and for me it has switched over time as my maturity level and needs changed and it has switched with the situation at hand).
I hope something in my experience helps you. Hang in there and know that you are the Mommy, and that^Rs something that your husband will never be. part time caregiver, full time mommy
oh, I can empathize with you. I could have easily written your post. My son preferred (and still prefers to some degree) his dad. Like you we shared parenting pretty equally and his dad is a really fun guy that kids LOVE. I shed tears over it! Things that helped at the time were spending time alone with my son doing fun things. Then I could see that he really did love me. Over time the strength of the preference faded and my son would even ask for me in the middle of the night instead of daddy, however it never switched back and forth equally like the books said it would.
Now my son is seven if asked he probably would say he still prefers dad but we have a tight bond too...I still try to find time to do special things alone together. It can be hard because my son's interests are really different from mine but I just try to keep showing up.
Our second child appears to prefer me so far....is this because parenting is less equally shared this time around or because daddy is not quite as doting since big brother needs attention too or some other reason? I don't know but I can't deny that it is a big relief!
I think you just have to weather through it and try to nurture your relationships with son and daddy as best you can. Be kind to yourself, you are a great mom. Sometimes I comforted myself by saying '' I am a great mom it's just that he is a SUPER great dad''. been there
Our daughter also has gone through phases of favoritism of one parent over another. It can be emotionally hard. However, if you can remember that your son really does love you and be confident in your parenting, then you can enjoy the break you can get while he is playing with daddy. Kids get different things from different parents, and no matter what, you are the mommy and he needs the ''mommy'' things he gets from you. You don't have to worry that you're not as fun as daddy. I know my daughter loves me and has fun with me, so when she says ''Go away mommy! I just want to play with Daddy.'' I say, ''Fine, I'll just go relax and read a book!'' Frances
2-year-old son is preferring dad
Oct 2002
In the past few month, my son has become very attached to my husband. He's very vocal about preferring that my husband do everything from putting him to bed, giving him a bath, getting him dressed, etc. I'm trying to look at this as a break for me, and not feel rejected by it, but in truth my feelings are sort of hurt. My husband and I split our workdays so we both have large amounts of time with our son during the week. Is this a common occurence? How long does it last? Should I just ride it out? What's it all about anyway? anonymous
Our son prefered me (Dad) starting when he was a few months old. When he was about four months old, she took him to work, and I went along. She was trying to show him off to her workmates, but every time she would hold him, he would cry and reach out for me. Absolutely painful. He is now four and the preference continues. This has been extremely hard on my wife, lots of tears etc, as one might well imagine. But the impact on my wife is lessening, partly because my son is now simply prefering me, and not actively rejecting her.
Things that have helped are 1) Being very demonstative in my affection for my wife. He sees this and wants to get in on the hugs and cuddles with his mom. 2) Reminding my wife that this is NOT due to something she has or has not done, because it began when he was just a few months old, before he could reason about such things. It is simply an innate preference, like his preference for eating only white and orange things. 3) When mommy is gone, we occasionally talk about why we like her, why we are so happy she is the mommy etc.
The intensity of the preference has lessened over the years. But it is very trying, for both parents. Best wishes. Steve
2-year-old son cries when mom holds him
2001
While there is a wonderful write up on the issue of a child having a strong preference for one parent (see below) I would like to get more input into this.
My two year old frequently cries when my wife holds him and holds out his arms to me. He will often say to her way which means away which means Get Away! After a hard day at work, she comes home and will often get rather hostile treatment. He can reduce her to tears very easily. It is awkward for me, and horrible for my wife. He has had a preference for daddy since a baby, perhaps because I have been more of the care giver.
I have tried telling him he hurts mom's feelings, and ignoring him (easier for me to do than my wife). This behavior is getting worse, not better. Any thoughts?
Please don't tell your son that his crying is hurting Mom's feelings! He has strong feelings, and being made to feel bad about his feelings is not good. That's guilt, and it's too much for a 2 yo to handle. The same goes for ignoring him. Despite their amazingly grown up talents, a two yo is still emotionally very immature.
I had good luck with my daughter when she was 2 with discussing her feelings. This seemed to work especially well with tantrums. We would talk about her anger and frustration. I would say things like You're very angry, aren't you? - well, you know the routine - the whole active listening thing. Those feelings are very personal, and the kid seems to feel a strong proprietary attachment to them. Denying or condemning the feelings can be quite injurious, I would think. The trick is to distinguish between thoughts or feelings on the one hand, and behavior on the other. He's free to think and feel what he likes, as long as he behaves properly. (I only learned that lesson when I was 38!)
Saying way doesn't sound like a very serious offense in itself - except for the fact that it's very hurtful to Mom. And asking him not to use that wonderful power-word is taking away a piece of his control over his environment. He does need his own space, after all, and he needs to be able to tell people to back off. Control is a big 2 yo thing too - and maybe that's it: Maybe he gets a kick out of watching everyone react with extreme emotion when he just utters a single syllable!
Or maybe your son is reacting to Mom (a) being away, and (b) being dog-tired when he gets to see her. (I think Penelope Leach has something to say on this topic.) He's feeling rejected in some way. In that case, the only remedy in my opinion is for Mom to make some accommodations so that she can devote more time (preferably when she's fresh) to your son.
Easier said than done, I know. And, given the fact that Mom is so deeply affected by these incidents, I'm sure she feels a tremendous level of guilt about it all too.
Is your son in some sort of daycare situation? If so, make sure that everything is OK there. Is going to daycare contributing to his sense of rejection?
After following the Oedipal Victor discussion, I am rather sensitive to the issue of our duty as parents and partners to make sure that our mariage/partner relationship is healthy. You sound like a caring person, so this is probably something you have considered.
Two is a difficult age - like adolescence without the hormones. Be gentle with yourselves.
I have some good perspective from your sons point of view. My father was my stay at home care provider while my mother worked and I remember vividly her getting off the train and bursting into tears upon seeing her every night. I can't imagine how painfull this was for her. I really resented my mom for interupting the one-on-one realtionship I had with my father since his attention was immediately focused on her (I felt). From a childs perspective, I think I would have been happier to see my mom if they both focused on me when she came home. Instead they talked together and I did not feel like part of the conversation. I am only speaking from my situation but I know my father sort of abandoned me when my mom came home since he turned into someone else (an adult!). I became very protective of my father and was very resentfull of my mother for a very long time. Maybe this perspective can help you in your situation. Good luck! Hadley
My son preferred his dad over me, his mom, mightily at that age and it did hurt. Over time the preference has become less pronounced (he's four now) and he asks for me at times rather than Daddy. I think things that helped me get through it were having time alone with him (which we did just due to our schedules), and having time alone with my husband so I didn't feel like the odd one out (harder to manage). Also having my husband be affectionate to me in front of our son helped. It's great that you are supportive and thinking about solutions, that alone probably helps your wife feel better. The transition at the end of the day can be tough. maybe talking about what you're going to do when Mommy gets home would help prepare him When Mommy gets home we'll say Hi, How was your day? and give her a big Hug. I hope the preference for Daddy means our sons have great bonds with their fathers and will be wonderful fathers and husbands themselves someday.
We have the same age son, and the reverse (and probably more typical) situation. My son pushes his Dad away hits him, screams NOOOOOO, and all sorts of things. He gives me special snuggles and hugs, which he has only a few times given his Dad. When he wakes at night and Dad tries to comfort him, he goes into a really splendid tantrum. So of course, I do the night comforting, he rarely gets his Dad, and that makes it worse. My husband feels bad enough in the privacy of our own home, but this has been made worse by the fact that my son really loves my own Dad who lives in the area. When they are together, my husband feel sad that his son will have nothing to do with him, except to push him away in front of my Dad. While I really don't know what to do about this, and I hope it is a passing stage, I got a good suggestion from this advice line a while ago. When it gets bad, it's time for my son and husband to spend more time together. For us, this is usually most of a whole weekend day. On other days, we have noticed that if I am with my son from the time he wakes up, it seems especially hard for him to part with me. So, my husband frequently plays with him first thing on the weekends (we both work full time), and they do something special, like dig up worms in the yard. This really helps, at least for the remander of the day. I hope you get an answer from a more experienced parent, because on weekday evenings, it's just mommy, mommy, mommy- NOOOO DADDY.
2.5-year old rejecting daddy
Oct 2010
Hi, I need advice with my sweet 2.5-year daughter (only child so far) and my equally sweet middle-aged husband. Our daughter reject her daddy most of the time. She doesn't want to cuddle with him when in our bed, doesn't want to kiss him or be kissed by him at any time, no voluntary hugs, or diaper changes, or feeding, or reading books. The most frequent phrases he hears from her are ''Daddy go away'', ''No daddy'', ''I don't like daddy'', ''don't touch me'', ''don't talk''. She would also occasionally hit him.
This situation drives both of us (parents) absolutely nuts. Me because I have to do everything and have to deal with tantrums on both ends, my husband - because he dotes on our naughty toddler and wants her love and attention. He is a very touchy-feely dude and doesn't want to give up on trying to get some hugs from the mean girl. As the result, both of them get very frustrated and upset. He even suggested that we start punishing her (giving her time out) every time she is mean to him, and not just when she slaps him in the face but also when she refused to kiss him good-night or says ''go away''.
She will play with him when she's in a good mood. They would have lots of fun playing hide-and-seek or trains or watching a cartoon. She's scream ''I want daddy'' when he goes away with his buddies to grab a beer. So I don't think she genuinely dislikes him, but rather messes with him and tries to manipulate his feelings. All of our friends, mostly parents of girls, tell us that this is a phase and will go away soon, but my husband doesn't have the patience to wait. He wants to start disciplining her for being mean to him, and I really don't think this is a good idea.
Are there any good, fast-working strategies to handle this situation? Any books on the issue? We do read toddler books about daddies, but I was wondering if there is an authority on father-daughter relationships my husband and I can seek advice from.
Help! stuck between a meanie and a touchy-feelie
Please stand your ground. If you start punishing her you will only prolong this phase and make her resentful of her father. She probably already understands that this upsets him, so a better strategy is for him to not react at all when rejected, and not to push for hugs or attention when she doesn't want to give it. Hey, I am an adult and I really don't like it when people demand hugs or kisses - I give them when I feel like it. As an aside, you said that he is touchy-feely and that you have to deal with tantrums from him too. How does he interact with you? I know that my 3 year old daughter really dislikes it when my husband gripes or is unpleasant to me (even when right before and after he is pleasant and kind to her) and she will get protective of me and tell me she doesn't want her father. Anon
I also think that kind of discipline would backfire. I think your husband should step down the hugging/cuddling thing for a while. Pushing it is not respecting her space. Children this age should be able to say when they do not want physical affection. They need to feel their body is their own. Love doesn't always have to be expressed physically, and maybe now is just a phase where he should express his love for her with more physical space. It's not forever; the phase will pass.
That said, kids should not be able to decide who changes their diaper every time and that kind of thing. If it's Daddy's turn, it's Daddy's turn. Otherwise, the preferred parent ends up feeling like a slave and nothing ever changes. We had to tell our kids many times, ''No, it's Daddy this time,'' and usually they eased up after a while. To me, this falls in the health, hygiene, and safety category where kids must sometimes be forced to do what has to be done, whether they like it or not.
Maybe he could also start doing more fun things alone with her, and without the forced hugging and what not. He could take her to the zoo, out for ice cream, that kind of thing, to build more positive associations with Daddy time. anon
I'm really sorry to hear this, but I can truly relate to your problem! My husband works 60 hr workweeks, so being away from us is something that we all have to sacrifice. What we noticed was our daughter, like yours, was very resentful for my husband being away so much or my husband not spending enough quality time that she so lacked - so for her, it was her only way to make him feel badly for not being around. Children don't know how to express themselves, so the way my daughter showed him that she was hurt emotionally for his absence I'm assuming, was by attacking him emotionally & physically. It worked!
Although, my husband is a very affectionate, loving, and patient man but he too, was feeling like he needed to punish her. So we tried doing something else & when he got home early enough before she went to bed - he would help prep her for bedtime, brush her teeth, read her bedtime stories, etc...just so that she would spend some QUALITY TIME with him! And that's whats so KEY!!! Also, on his days off, I would let them go out together by themselves & join them later - just so that they would have that father/daughter time. It also gave me a break which I needed! So give it time & patience, I'm sure she will turn around. It is a phase & kids don't come with instructions, so if your husband just tries to do what he can when he can - I know she will turn around & be more loving. A parent should always take the high road & not let the child get you down or run the show. Good luck! -Be strong, patient, and kind
2.5 year old is obsessed with dad
May 2007
My 2 1/2 year old son is obsessed with Dad. I don't think any of this is unusual; however, after a while, I start becoming affected by it. He's constantly asking for daddy, telling me how much he misses him (while he's taking a shower), etc. His father is VERY present in his life, so he's not reacting to a lack of interaction.
Does anyone have any advice for how to swing the pendulum the other way a bit? I know it's very immature, but my son starts to hurt my feelings after I hear about daddy for the millionth time. I'm afraid I'm going to start developing resentment toward both of them (again, not rational or mature) and the begging and pleading will be just become exacerbated.
I'd appreciate any advice, feedback, etc. I know that just about everything is a phase; this one has just gone on for a bit too long and I'm getting resentful. Thanks for anything. Anon
Yeah it is a little silly, but I think its pretty typical for the non-''desired-at-the- moment'' parent to feel a bit rejected. What we do when this happens (and mainly because the desired parent needs a break!) is that the other parent just kinda nonchalantly takes the kid out - to the park, the zoo, outside, whatever - and spends some one-on-one time together. There may be initial balking, even crying, but I mean, he's 2. (Like our son is 2 also). They do these things. At least for us, when we just ignore or make light of the emotional tantrum and head out together anyway, we have a great time together and the desired parent is barely a blip on the memory. jenny
I completely sympathize. My 2 1/2 yr old daughter goes back and forth, but when she's into Daddy, she's REALLY into Daddy. I spend the most time with her, and it definitely hurts my feelings when she's in her NO MOMMY phase. What worked for us was not me spending more time with her, since I'm already with her every afternoon, but I really worked on it being quality time. I tried to be more fun and engaging, I tried to come up with activities that we could do together that she would like. I tried to focus on her instead of the laundry and the dishes. It has definitely helped. She goes back and forth still since she's trying to figure out what each parent is good for. What we are really working on now is getting her to understand that while it's ok for her to want Mommy or Daddy for something, she can't express it in such a mean way. We think she's old enough to understand that she can't yell and scream NO MOMMY or NO DADDY and push the other one away. Teaching tact to a 2 year old is impossible, but we thought we'd try. Good luck to you. I know exactly where you are coming from.
You know this is a phase, but it is still hard when you are going through it. My 2 yo son adores his father, who watches him half-time, and sleeps with him. when he is gone he asks for him, pleading, sometimes for a long time. I just keep telling him where daddy is and then when I get sick of it I distract him. that works well. I had resigned myself to it, then recently he started to favor me when we were both in the room and has been asking for me more. I have started to feel more secure as a result of this shift. He does seem to go back and forth about it. so, my advice is to distract him and change the subject when he asks for daddy, and to be patient; you are his mommy and you'll get the sugar soon!
2.5-year-old's intense attachment to mom
Aug 2003
Hello, I have a 2.5 year old boy who has developed what seems like a total infatuation with me, the Mommy. My daughter was very hooked into me at the same age and it was absolutely fine (I do attachment parenting, so this seemed within the bounds of our close bond). My son's passion, however, is much more intense. It's hard to explain but it's partly physical (he's just all over me all the time) and partly emotional (refuses to let my husband hold him, read to him, serve him food, anything!). I am still breastfeeding my son a tiny bit (a couple times of week) and one friend told me that it's the breastfeeding that's fueling his intense Mommy focus. I'm not so sure I believe that and I wouldn't ''cold turkey'' wean him even if I did believe it--we are gradually weaning and something sudden would be quite a betrayal, I think. My real question is what is the most healthy way to deal with my son's passion--my instinct is to absorb his ardor (i.e., not push him away) and mirror his feelings so he feels like it's ok to love someone passionately. But I don't want to create an over-Mommified boy (or is that just dominant culture stuff that's seeped into my addled brain?) Any thoughts on this would be much appreciated--I do believe in raising sons who are sensitive, loving, receptive, etc. but I am also aware of the dangers of mothers who don't have good ego boundaries (having been raised by one myself, alas). Anon
This sounds completely normal to me. My 3-y-o son is still very mommy-centric. It is both wonderful to be the center of such adoration; complicated, because I, too, worry about boundaries; and draining, because I seem to be the only one who can perform certain tasks. But at the age of 2-3, and with your own awareness of the need for boundaries, perhaps you can just go with it. Your son is very affectionate, and that's great. Plus, every mom of older kids I've spoken to says it changes, and changes quickly.
Still, you have to weather this stage. When my son was about 2-1/2, my husband and I started to consciously add activities and projects that were just for them. They'd go on outings, or have an afternoon together at home, and my husband started taking certain day-to-day tasks (like bath time). It gave me a break and gave them time to bond. There were tears at first, but we all stuck to it and now there is a lot more room for everyone. another mom
My 2 year old son is the same way: his favorite line is ''I need my mommy,'' he's fascinated with my breasts and my bra (we haven't nursed since he was 12 months old, and he's now 27 months, so breastfeeding clearly isn't the origin of the behavior) and will often stick his hand in my shirt when we're out in public. Just this morning he threw a pretty big fit when Daddy was going to put his socks and shoes on (''MOMMY do it!!!''). I think this is just pretty normal little boy behavior. I downplay the hand in my shirt thing -- it seems so absent-minded on his part that I let it be when we're at home, and gently remove it when we're in public. If he asks about my breasts or bra, I matter-of-factly explain their function (breasts are to feed babies, bras are underwear for breasts).
I give him my love and attention when I can: lots of play, lots of hugs and kisses, but I do let him know when ''my hands are busy and you'll need to wait,'' so I don't feel overwhelmed. And whoever has started with the diaper change/dressing/reading a book continues, regardless of whether he decides to scream for the other parent, because I want him to learn (a) to interact effectlvely with both of us and (b) that he doesn't get to change things by yelling and screaming. If he asks nicely for me, I will do it if I can. Karen
Your instincts (accept and reciprocate his affection) are sound. My 4 year was the same way at your son's age, and I only nursed for 3 mos., so that has NOTHING to do with it. Dealing with the overriding preference that mommy do everything required patience and some scheming - I didn't want to be the only parent who could feed, put on socks, wipe the butt, etc. (My sister happily adopted this role with her kids and I think it made her crazy, frankly.) For example, when he demanded that mommy put the socks on, I'd say, I'm going to put on the right sock and daddy will put on the left one. Sometimes, when he wasn't overtired or otherwise ''fragile'' I'd just insist that daddy do it. Now that he's 4, he accepts daddy much more readily, although daddy is almost never the first choice. He goes willingly with him on errands etc. and doesn't have a fit about going without me, or (much worse) tell daddy he can't come with us when we're going to the grocery store. As he gets older, the higher fun quotient that daddy offers, compared to the loving but lower-key mommy, seem more appealing, I think. I don't think you need to worry about overpowering your son for a number of years yet. And believe me, your daughter, when she hits her teenage years, will challenge you in this area first!!! Fran
p.s. to my post a minute ago - I read somewhere that you should reciprocate all physical affection, and use verbal messages when you need or want space. In other words, hug back and say Mommy's busy right now, daddy needs to put your socks on, or whatever.
2.5 year old is rejecting mom, wants dad
Dec 2003
Over the last few months, our 2.5 year old boy has increasingly adopted a strongly antagonistic stance toward his mother, though only when both parents are present. Since he was about 1.5 years, he has expressed a certain preference for his father. This preference, however, is now accompanied by a vocal rejection of his mother, constantingly asking her to leave the room, to not do anything for him (feeding, changing diapers, playing, etc.)but rather have his father do it, sometmes telling her he doesn't like her. If the two of us are present, he does everything he can to be alone with the father and push his mother off into another room. When he and his mother are alone, on the other hand, they get along fine together. It has reached the point where we can not do anything together as a family. We expect that some of this must be due to the fact that we have done a number of moves over the last 6 months, uprooting him from his once stable world. Indeed, he does seem generally unsettled and easily irritated since we moved to Berkeley a couple weeks ago, though his antagonism toward his mother began well before this move, back when, otherwise, he seemed calm and happy. We are at a loss to know how to respond to him best, how to help him feel comfortable, nurtured, and joyful with both of us together. If you have had any similar experience, would we appreciate your suggestions on how best to deal with it. Thanks.
Two year olds (anywhere from 1.5-3.5 years this can occur) are in the process of pulling away from Mommy and working to be more independent. Some of this behavior of identifying so strongly with the father is normal.
That said I think a very important aspect of what you are asking is the relative power situation you describe. Your description tells me that your son has way too much power in this situation. Children desperately need parents to be in charge of the family. It seems to me that you need to be asking your son to fit into your rules more (and that they be clear) rather than working so hard to fit into his.
When my daughter was close to three she had a difficult time having her father and me in the same location at the same time. We however were divorced. She sensed the tense feelings between us and tried to keep us separated because the tension was too difficult for her. Are there any tensions between you and your husband? Are you worried each time the three of you come together thus creating a tense feeling that your son picks up?
It is my experience that most behavioral difficulties with children are corrected when the parents make changes in how they are operating. Most of all it is important that you not take your son's behavior personally. My experience (32 years as a psychotherapist as well as 20 years as a single parent now an adoptive parent as well--and with grandchildren!) is that the child is working desperately to handle emotional energy that feels overwhelming and not good whenever a child behaves in this way. Hope these thoughts are helpful! Ilene
We just went through this very thing. It was VERY HARD for me to deal with. My husband stays home with my daughter while I work and while they've always had a special bond, my 2 1/2 year old daughter was always glad to see me and we had great times together on weekends and evenings. Suddenly, she started saying ''No Mommy'' and would throw herself on the floor screaming if I even entered her visual space.
The way we handled it was this - whenever she would say ''No Mommy'', my husband would say, ''when you say no mommy, it makes daddy sad. If you say no mommy then daddy will go away''. Then if she said it again, my husband would go into his office and start working on something. He didn't leave the house or close the door, but he took his attention away from her. Since his undivided attention was what she was after - after awhile she stopped saying it and is now putting up with me again. Now, when I enter the room, she'll look at me and instead of saying no mommy she says, ''no mommy makes daddy sad''. You can see that she really wants to say ''no mommy'' but stops herself. Over the last few weeks things have gotten better and better.
I was SOOO glad that this ended. It was incredibly demoralizing for me to be rejected like that. I hope that your child's phase ends quickly. Please try not to take it too personally, it really is just a phase and will end.
Good luck Lonely Mommy
2.5 year old only wants mom, all the time
August 2003
My daughter will be 3 in October. Increasingly, she has become very clingy and wanting me (her mom) to do everything for her: get her clothes on, get her a snack, take her to the bathroom, etc. She also gets upset if I leave her with her dad even for a short time. Tonight I needed to move our car from one place outside our house to another and she screamed and cried because I wouldn't let her come with me. It was not possible for my husband to move the car instead of me. In the two minutes I was gone she didn't stop yelling and deliberately urinated on the floor in our bedroom. My husband has been on vacation for the last two months (and I'm a SAHM), so it's not like she's not used to him being around. In the past, things have improved dramatically in their ability to do things together over the course of the two months. This year, though, it seems like she is more desperate for my attention. Thankfully, there are times when she is content to stay home when I have to go out for a longer period of time, so it's not totally constant. Frankly, though, I'm sick of it. Overall, I do far more than my share of taking care of her (and her older brother) and don't feel like she is deprived of my attention at all. Furthermore, I feel that her relationship with her dad is very important and that she needs to recognize that he can do things for her too. He goes back to work in a week, so I know the dynamics will change soon. I hate leaving a screaming child when I have to go somewhere (like to the bathroom by myself when we were camping), hate feeling like I'm the only one who can satisfy her, and am at the end of my rope. Any suggestions? Wrung-Out Mom
Be careful what you wish for. My partner would bemoan the fact that he could do NOTHING for our (then 2-3yo) and she only wanted me. Now she ONLY wants Dad and doesn't have the time of day for me. What did we do? Nothing. I simply met her need for me (as much as I could) because I knew the day would come (she's our 3rd).
Be patient, one day she'll only want daddy and you won't be able to do ANYTHING without screams of protest. :) Kathy
Is that MY daughter you are talking about? Because my daughter who will be 3 in August has been going through exactly the same thing! I have no advice for you, in fact I can't wait to see what advice you get back, but I can offer you tons of sympathy! smothered mommy too