Parenting a pot smoking teen

First off let me just convey my support, it's so tough to witness you kid making a mistake that may affect the rest of his life and not being able to do something about it...

Hang in there!!

Also, let me just say that my kids are significantly younger and I've never dealt with a situation like this. That said, your message moved me and I'd like to make some suggestions that you can take or leave... I think the first thing is for you to realize that this is a real problem and will not get resolved overnight - it will take time, it will take a lot of effort, support and encouragement and money to get off the pot train. So I think the first thing is for YOU to get some kind of support because the stronger you are - the more you can be there for him. Next, I think he needs therapy. The reason is because he feels like he can't function properly without pot. This stems from a deep insecurity or depression and you need to get to the root of that. Finally, I know some folks who have used pot extensively and say it messed with their brain. If you know somebody like that maybe they can talk to your kid and give them motivation to stop using. The way you describe it - it sounds like an addiction which is why your methods taking away privileges have not been working. However, you can still make rules like - smoking only in the yard and not in the house. This is your house too and you should feel comfortable in it.

Take a deep breath, and be strong for your son!

I'm really sorry that you're facing this problem. Although everything we hear tells us that dope is not addictive, in my experience it is. I say that because I sincerely believe it's a form of self-medicating. This is something that addiction therapists don't want to face or deal with. Eventually heavy usage leads to paranoia and anxiety. Please consider taking your child to a MD Psychiatrist that is good with psychopharmaceuticals. (sp?) All three of my kids went from parochial school to Berkeley High and weren't prepared for the social pressures. All three smoked pot, but only one became dependent. It was 10 years before he got correctly diagnosed and treated with anti depressants. I have seen a close family member end up in jail because he went untreated and the drug usage escalated. What a difference a diagnosis and anti depressants made between the two. In the meantime, don't hassle your child or he will "take it elsewhere" which is no good, but DO insist on a full workup by the doc. I have gladly paid for many months of uncovered mental health care. It saved my child's future. God Bless you and keep communicating with other parents...we've ALL been there and we can see how hard you are trying.

I wish I had tips for you, but I don't, though I agree that getting draconian will just make your kid pull away from you. I just wanted to give you a glimmer of hope from another perspective. I was a massive pot head in high school. I smoke many times throughout the day, as did the majority of my friends, though I always kept up with my school work and had a job, etc.. When I got to college I immediately became friends with the other potheads in my dorm thinking we would get along because we had "so much" in common. I ended up finding them horribly dull and the friends I made after them didn't smoke pot  and with no real plans one way or the other, I just kind of stopped smoking because it was no longer around and I had to go out of my way to get it and use it. I should also mention that I have a highly addictive personality (I'm a former smoker and do love my wine, though not to a point where it's a problem).  So I guess my long winded point is, I hope you find something that works (nothing my parents did worked on me sadly) but don't despair even if you fail! Being a pot head is not a life sentence and the brain damage is probably not as bad as you think (I went to a 7 sisters college and am currently working on my third degree).

I'm so sorry to read this.  My sister could have written this exact post and I know how hard it is on her and her husband.  They have tried just about everything (except checking him in to treatment...and are even considering that).  So far they haven't found anything that has worked other than taking him sailing for a week this summer where they were offshore and he literally couldn't get any pot...and then they came home again.  This is really killing them.

One suggestion that they are rolling out this week (was suggested by an addiction therapist who was also a teenaged addict) is to prepare a family contract...and put everything in writing...expectations about school (attendance, grades, homework, test scores, etc), chores, behavior, work, extracurriculars, drug tests, usage ... and then to set out priviledges and consequences.  He gets some input (though no veto power). No idea yet if this will work, but it is their next step.

I send you a giant hug.  Watching what this is doing to my sister and her family breaks my heart so I feel so much sympathy for you and yours.

My college sophomore son started smoking pot in high school, and when he was home in summer he smoked daily.   His therapist had said my son is an adult (19),  we do not punish or bribe, as he can certainly smoke somewhere else.. but we can set house rules, in this case -   no smoking in the house.  However, since my son was trying to quit cigarettes and claimed he could only do one at a time, we didn't put our foot down which we now regret.   We did not give him allowance money over the summer as I couldn't bear the thought of him using our money to buy pot.   He had a bit of summer jobs and sold stuff on ebay as allowance.   While I don't have any great insight for you to stop your son from smoking,  i want to share with you that with daily smoking - my son is experiencing short term memory loss and also hallucination when he had depressive episodes.   His psychiarist think these are results of pot smoking and sent me articles from medical journals as support.    With the frontal lobe still being developed, pot messes teenagers up.    

My son uses pot to help him get through the day with depression.   Depending on your son's reason for using pot (which is not addictive in nature like cigarette),  would be great if you can find him otther outlets.   My son's friend went to outpatient rehab for pot use, and the program teaches the kid to find other ways to occupy their time and use as outlet - in this case - making music, write, draw, bike ride, yoga, hike... all good healthy alternatives. 

If his primary motivation for smoking pot is relieving anxiety, it might be more effective to focus on helping him address his anxiety, rather than his coping mechanism.  It sounds like he's not smoking up for recreation but to manage stress.  You may want to look into somatic therapy as a therapeutic option.  It could help him learn more beneficial tools for managing stress.

Whoa! Your letter could have been mine almost word for word three years ago. My son has adhd, and in addition to smoking at all times and in all places in and around MY home and everywhere else, he was selling. I found money and evidence on a number of occasions. Now he's in his third year at junior college, has an apt., still smokes and still sells. His dad, my husband, was never willing to come down hard on him. Now that he's 20 years old, I'm trying to make peace with myself that his life is out of my control. 

When we caught him selling his senior year, we told him he had to quit smoking altogether and pass weekly drug tests. We did that for a while and what came out of it was how dependant he was on weed. He couldn't sleep and was on edge for the first few weeks. Like your son, mine also says he smokes to relieve anxiety.

 I have no advice but I'm hoping there are others who can help you...and perhaps me if it's not too late.  Yours in commiseration.

We kicked our teen son out of our house for not following our rules, including smoking in the house. It was really hard to do. We continued to pay for his phone so we could contact him and vice versa. He stayed with a friend for a while and then moved back. We later kicked him out again and things got worse before they got better (we paid for rehab, etc). Now he is doing great, employed, and about to graduate from college at age 26 (not that college is necessarily the end goal but just to show he is doing very well). I do not think he smokes pot at all, though he does drink, but not to excess as far as I know. 

I don't see any point to searching his room cause he will just keep it with him or hide it better. But with our son we could smell that he was smoking; it was totally obvious and complete disregard for our rules, so we didn't see any other choice (we were also ok with recreational use out of our house, so it is not that our rules were that strict!). What we tried before then which didn't work for us but might work for you was basically taking away all privileges. We said that we had a responsibility to house and feed him, but that was it. No rides (he had already dropped out of school!), no money, no new clothes. He was grounded, though snuck out (and that was the last straw).

Maybe take away his phone altogether and give him a dumb phone and make it so he can only call or text parents? (obviously you would have to set this up with phone company!)

Is he willing to go to a psychiatrist to try prescription anti-anxiety meds? We did that too.

I feel for you. It was so so hard. age 20 was the turning point for our son where he finally started to get himself together.

Try to get him some edibles. Maybe the ones without THC. My mother and brother have smoked pot for years to relieve anxiety and it's the only thing that works for them. 

You didn't get to the reason why your son is smoking cannabis so often until the end of your post - anxiety and insomnia. These are serious problems and it sounds like you are punishing and bribing your son, but not helping him with his real problems. So he is self-medicating. And cannabis is effective in reducing anxiety and helping with sleep. You might want to reasearch CBD (cannabidiol) which is one of the chemicals in cannabis. It is not psychoactive, does not make one high, and helps with anxiety, and insomnia. There are tinctures that can be sprayed beneath the tongue for rapid absorption. One good brand is Care By Design - available in various ratio's of CBD:THC (THC is psychoactive) and can be purchased at most dispensaries. Your son is old enough to get a medical marijuana "card" to use dispensaries. I can't imagine that you are liking my advice, but I am speaking from experience. I had to do a ton of research into medical uses of cannabis because my teen was also self-medicating around her anxiety and insomnia with weed. She had tried every anti-anxiety medication a psychiatrist recommended and they all impaired her functioning much more severely than cannabis.  CBD tincture, or high CBD strains of buds, enabled her to calm down and focus, do homework, get sleep, in ways that nothing else did. I had to change my perspective on cannabis 180 degrees and get educated, in order to both understand and support my daughter. Google The CBD Project. Watch the two documentaries on medical cannabis by Dr Sanjay Gupta, available on YouTube. Places to start. Best of luck with your son. Anxiety is a real affliction.

Hi-we've been thru the ringer on this issue too, including sending DD to rehab (which only made things worse). Things are improving, here's what's working for us:  Lay out POLICIES. Here are examples: No smoking in house, Never alone in house/otherwise you can be locked in with alarm on/you don't get code, No friends welcome to visit ever, If you want to come home after curfew you must call out landline to wake us up so we can disarm house and let you in, no sleepovers anywhere - we'll report you as runaway every time. DO NOT lay out consequences - too much opportunity for kid to weigh risks/benefits and make decisions accordingly. Recommend book "Unbroken Brain" by Maia Szalavitz. Spoiler alert: there's always an underlying issue, e.g., depression that needs treatment before the addictive behaviors escalate. DD is responding well to DBT treatment and Wellbutrin with intensive psychiatrist involvement, seems to be cutting back on pot use and is doing better in school this year. The only consequence we mentioned to her is the sword of Damocles -- follow our policies or you just might get sent to a locked facility in Utah for the year. What we haven't told her is that since she's going to community college next year, if she thinks being 18 means she doesn't have to abide by these policies, she's wrong and at that point may have to leave the home altogether, and without our financial support.  We're also making it clear through actions that if she wants to transfer to a 4 year college away from home, she has to play ball -- we're not about to finance 4 years of partying. Good luck. Email if you have any questions. reikioflight [at] gmail.com

PS - Forgot to add that since it's MY house, I now keep that bedroom tidy and yes, I confiscate anything I find, including but not limited to: pipes, bongs, regular cigarettes, rolling papers, dispensary bottles (empty or not), empty alcohol containers. A minor behaving inappropriately is not entitled to complete privacy.

Wow - this could be MY son!  Also a senior, also smokes on a daily basis.  When he first started, I would search his room and confiscate what I found, but in the long term, this just made him more rebellious and, like you said, he'd find other places to do it.  What has worked somewhat is his getting a job.  It's only on Fri/Sat nights, but he doesn't smoke on those days (just afterwards when he gets off).  My son also has ADD, and his doctor has given him the whole lecture about smoking and brain development, etc, etc, just as I have done.  Nothing gets through to him.  He feels that he actually focuses better when he's smoking, which maybe he does, but a few days later, he forgets things, which isn't good for school work or anything else.  I'll be very interested to hear what other parents have to say on this.  Thanks for bringing up the subject!

I had a similar problem with my son. I did not buy his "privacy" because I knew if left to himself, he would continue on a destructive cycle. I decided to use my parental power while he was under 18 and I could do something about it. I didn't mind recreational use, but it was beyond that and he was smoking almost daily. I searched his room and his backpack and told him it was not allowed at home on a daily basis. Of course he did not listen to me and continued smoking pot. At some point, I had to think hard about the importance of the issue to me, my responsibility as a parent, my options, and to what extreme I would go trying to make him quit. I decided I was not going to allow him destroy his own future. So, I started seriously talking to him, reasoning and pleading with him in any language I knew, emotional, rational, motherly, threatening, ... I explained to him that smoking pot might be fun and relatively harmless, but it could not be sustainable and he would need to study and make a future for himself. It went on for weeks. I even threatened to take him to another continent, even Africa, if that was what would take him to quit. I was serious because I was ready to lose my job and house but not my son's future. I think all the talking and fuss made him think about my point about his future. Finally, one day he told me he had just flushed his pot down the toilet. I saw it and was very happy but knew he might continue to smoke. And he did, but later on and to a much lesser degree. It is more of recreational use now that he is in college. I think if you make it clear to your son that you care about him, and love him, and are willing and ready to give him a dose of tough love if that is what it takes for him to come into his senses, then he might start thinking about it. Accepting the status quo is not the solution because it becomes the new "norm" which is not acceptable.

Both of our sons started smoking weed young (one at 13 and the older one at 14) and both became addicted. My husband and I didn't think it was possible to be a pot addict but our experience and research shows it is real, especially with the highly concentrated THC in pot available these days. Both sons have underlying behavioral health issues (ADD, anxiety, anger and depression) and the older one has gone on to experiment with some seriously scary drugs.

I have two over-riding thoughts which may be helpful for you: one, that many teens and young adults use and experiment with alcohol and drugs and do not become addicts, ultimately outgrowing their drug participation activities especially as they find other activities which give them pleasure (sports, girl or boy friends; work, travel). Many are able to smoke pot or "party" and still function at a level that is high enough to get them through college and a job. However, a certain percent (we've heard 6-8% of pot users) do become addicted and then the entire trajectory of their future can change. They may select friends who exert negative influence on them (introduction to hard drugs, truancy, criminal acts, disdain for paid work or advanced schooling) and give up on their hopes and dreams. They may also see it as "normal family dynamics" to disrespect their parents, to argue and fight (physically and verbally), and refuse to work or go to school.

My advice would be to lay down very firm boundaries as you seem to be already doing and then to enforce them consistently and clearly; i.e., no pot or pipes in our home or on our property. Any found will be put in the compost pile (for the weed) or smashed and put in the trash (pipes and bongs). I wouldn't spend hours searching his room only because it increases your stress and frustration level but I would toss anything I find in the normal course of the day. If he begins to self-isolate, drops out of school/ life or joins up with kids who are clearly having a really negative influence, I would insist that he meet with a therapist on a regular basis. We have an amazing therapist for our older son (who has depression and anxiety) who was a counselor at Thunder Road in Oakland before it closed and who is now in private practice. Dave Borof (phone 510-701-0427) is truly one of the most insightful and helpful therapists we have met in our long 7 year journey with teen drug usage. Dave relates to his teen and young adult clients in a very real way, enabling them to see how they can get their problems under control and their lives back on track. He also has been enormously helpful to my husband and me (while still respecting patient confidentiality with our son) in understanding how to parent through these difficult issues. He's simply the best we've worked with and may be helpful to you and your son  as he navigates his way through the next few years to become independent.

Keep doing the consequences that make sense -- it may just take a while before they work. Continue the dialogue with your son so that your have a continuing relationship if he struggles further (and can enjoy him as he hopefully pulls out of this phase!) while holding the boundaries that you feel are right for you. Good luck!

I wonder how he gets the money to buy the pot? Does he work? If not,  what if you stopped giving him any money so he couldn't afford to buy it?

One of the responses stated that Thunder Road in Oakland, which offers treatment to addicted teens, is closed.  It is not.  (510) 653-5040