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    Dating a man who is not what I thought

    Oct 2014

    I have been dating ''Mike'' for a few months. I'm a single parent and I live in an apartment and run a business owned by my ex. Mike thinks that I own the business and although I don't know how much money Mike has, he owns a glamorous home and he tells me that he is an entepenuer and he lives off his investments, so I don't want him to think I want to be with him for his lifestyle and fortune. I haven't been with anyone serious in a while, and being with Mike is exciting. I have dreams of traveling the world with Mike and being the one to share a glamorous life.

    I have a feeling that Mike may want to get married and that is exciting. From what Mike has told me, his ex just up and left him and he has to care for the kids. As any woman would be, I am curious about the ex and I want to know more about what happened in the marriage but I don't want to put Mike on the spot. After I talked with some friends, I went to the courthouse and reviewed Mike's public divorce file. I just want to know if his ex will be knocking on the door for support and money and taking away from the life Mike and I will have.

    I'm so disappointed. While I won't go into details, what I read in the file was not the Mike I know and, his wife gave him the house, the country club membership and she pays him child support.

    I'm now intimidated by his successful ex. She has a successful business, is well educated and she's younger than me. I'm also not comfortable thinking about a future with Mike. We have a great time together, but knowing that he has the kind of life he has thanks to his ex, it seems like a bleak future for me as the child support will eventually go away.

    What should I do? Should I end it with Mike because he is not who he really claims he is? On one hand, if I hadn't gone to the courthouse, I wouldn't know any of this. And if it was the woman who was getting support, no one would question it. But on the other, maybe I'm old fashioned and I don't want to waste my time with a many who isn't a traditional earner.

    Any advice? I like Mike

    It sounds like neither of you has been completely honest with the other - you have both misrepresented yourselves, so I can't see this relationship going anywhere good from here. If he is lying about how he made his money at this early stage then to me that is a red flag. He may think you have more money than you do and be looking for a replacement for his ex to bleed dry. I think I would steer clear and look for someone more honest. I'd also ask yourself what made you feel the need to be dishonest about not owning your business and do some work on that. Maybe by being more genuine yourself, you will meet someone else more genuine? Best of luck. Reality Check

    Run, don't walk, in the opposite direction and don't look back! -Seen the fallout first hand.

    This is not about Mike. This is about why you would even consider dating someone who clearly isn't who he says he says. What does being intimated by the wife have to do with anything? I get it's exciting but you have a child, and this person has truth/reality issue. And why wouldn't you want to have questions? You are already putting yourself at a disadvantage by acting like you don't deserve answers... Walk away.... anon

    Sorry to sound harsh, but since Mike's money seems to be what you find most appealing about him, it sounds like you'll need to move on to someone who can give you the ''glamorous lifestyle'' you are looking for. anon

    If I were you, I'd be really wary of this guy. He seems to be going with you because he thinks you own a business [ have money ]. He is not being 'up front' with you about his past [a big red flag for me]. He's telling you stories [lying] to you] of how he acquired his wealth. If he's lying to you about something like this, then there are more lies to come. I have been married now for 24 years [ my second marriage]- and the primary most important thing my husband and I agreed on is how important TRUST is between a couple. The fact that you feel uneasy to ask him specific questions about his life- is not good. Basing a relationship on a 'romance or fantasy' --on what you hope this guy will be- is a train wreck waiting to happen !! Today, you cannot be naive about people. People [men and women] lie when they see that they can 'get something' from the other person. Just watch Dr. Phil, and see all the gullible women who 'fall for men' and then are conned out of money, their homes, everything. I am so glad that you went down and looked at his divorce records !! That was extremely smart of you !! And..what did you find ?? That he wasn't telling you the truth of how he acquired his money !!

    I know you like him, and if men are charming, good looking, or you're so lonely that just to be with someone [anyone !] that you're loosing the ability to see him for what he is- a con guy... is that what's is going on here ??- I would really step back from him until he is willing to have an honest conversation with you about his past. You are going to have to tell him you know how he got his money- and that will be the test of his character. Will he stomp off, look at you as if your 'snooping' on him - or will he open up and tell you honestly tell you about his life ?? You also have to tell him that you don't own the business...that will be a big 'test' of where he's coming from.

    If it were me, I would not trust this guy. He's lied to you now, and what comes out of his mouth from now on- can you trust and believe what he says to you ? To use a quote [also from Dr. Phil] : '' The best predictor of future behavior- is past behavior''.

    I know how hard it is to be single and wanting companionship, [as I've been there], but, please, do not be foolish and get more attached to this guy [fall in love with him] and get hurt or slammed in the end. Wishing you the best, judith

    Seems like you've both misrepresented yourselves and you have in common the desire to be supported by someone else. Perhaps you see too much of yourself in Mike. Just saying....

    Rather than worry about the ''real'' man you're dating or ending it why not start a conversation about money, hard as that is. Tell him your financial situation honestly (maybe he's pursuing you mistakenly as another cash cow!) and ask him what you want to know about his. Ask him to talk about his marriage. Unless you can speak honestly about such difficult subjects as money and values and expectations within the relationship you don't have much to base a real relationship upon. Depending on how such conversations go, you can more realistically assess whether to stay or move on. Isadora

    You guys are definitely wrong for each other, because you both expect the other one to bring in the money and afford an elevated lifestyle beyond your own means! You call this thinking ''traditional'' as it applies to you and he might call it ''modern'' as it applies to him. He thinks you are a business owner like his ex, which served him well financially once before and you thought he was rich and supports his ex, not the other way around. My take on this is that you deserve each other. He will be just as disappointed in you not owning your business as you are in him right now. For some reason you seem to think that it is okay for you to have these demands on a man and lie about your assets. I would not call that traditional but unethical. You could both grow tremendously if you dropped the lies and expectations and are both willing to bring in the money and enjoy each other as human beings who want to share their lives together. Is that likely to happen? full-time working, happily married mom

    Oh my gosh! Even before you reached the part where you learned he lied about being self-supporting, I got the vibe that he is conning you. The issue isn't that he is being supported by his ex-wife, it's that he lied to you. You wouldn't have gone to the trouble of checking courthouse records unless your spidey sense was already tingling.

    You have to be honest with yourself too: Was the idea of not having to worry about money anymore one of the main things about him that appealed to you? If yes, then you are vulnerable to being conned. He will tell you what you want to hear and you might believe.

    Please do not pursue this relationship. You deserve an honest life partner. Too many red flags

    I find your note very odd. You state that you don't want Mike to think you are only into him for his money, but then you go on to indicate that, in fact, that is exactly all you are interested in, since if he isn't a ''traditional earner,'' you want nothing to do with him.

    So maybe it's Mike who should be disappointed in you, not the other way around.

    He said his wife up and left, and it seems true, from what you discovered: she pays child support and gave him the house. So, she doesn't want him anymore, yet you still feel intimidated by her? Why?

    I think the problem isn't with Mike but with you. You want to lie to him (about who owns the business you run) yet poke around behind his back (by looking at his divorce record, public or not, rather than simply asking him) and judge him, quite harshly, by those unfair standards.

    I hope for Mike's sake he recognizes himself and runs far away from you.

    You are also not the person Mike thinks you are. It sounds like you are both being deceitful and I am certain a relationship built on untruths won't last. If you really like and respect him you need to come clean about the apartment building you live in. You should also ask him about the specifics of his divorce. Surely if you are fantasizing about a life together you should know the entire truth.

    I believe you have your head firmly planted underground....and although I get it on one level---most people would love to be taken care of financially and travel the world--it sounds like just a dream.

    My suggestion-slow down. Get to know him. Find out the details of his life and let him know yours. See how you feel about each other after you each know the truth. anon

    I think you'll get mostly moralizing responses, so I'll try not to go that way. Both of you are being less than honest with one another, and possibly with yourselves as well; this does not bode well for a stable relationship. Both of you also have children. How about visiting a therapist on your own, and trying to work out what would be best for you and for your child/children? (Here comes the moralizing part: Note that ''glamour,'' in its original sense, was a magical spell that made things or people appear more beautiful and desirable than they actually were.) Down on Glamour

    So basically you're both lying to each other...you haven't corrected him in his assumption that you own the business, and he's telling you he's an ''entrepreneur'' and totally misrepresenting himself. A future with this person would be exactly the opposite of what you imagine it will be. And you don't once mention how your child/children feel about this guy or what his relationship would be with them.

    Get your priorities straight and open your eyes! gotta be kidding me

    Your primary focus should be doing what is in the best interests of your child(ren).

    Two things leap out to the reader of what you have written: You are not being truthful to ''Mike'' about your own financial circumstances. Mike is not being truthful to you about his circumstances, either.

    It seems that what you want from this relationship is eventual marriage. How can you even think of such an outcome when there is no transparency in your dating relationship?

    If what you want is eventual marriage, you and Mike will need to level with each other, at minimum. The best case would be a complete mutual disclosure of all pertinent matters concerning money and relationships with the ex'es. After that, go slow and do not consider marriage or cohabitation until you have dated for a couple of years.

    And keep this man away from your kid(s) until things have begun to make sense. Horrified by your situation

    I think you posted this to BPN because you feel like this is too good to be true, but you are swept up in the moment and want a sanity check. OK here its: definitely steer clear of this person - NOW! You shouldn't feel bad about having looked up his file, as he was being dishonest with you and you need to protect yourself and your family.

    I am not sure why you were not honest with him the ownership of your family business -- but that raised alarm bells for me - something was stopping you from being honest with him to begin with, maybe because he seemed to give you extra attention for owning your own business, or else it is because you had an instinct not to trust him in sharing the truth.

    It sounds like you had a fun ride, but you need to put the brakes on it, and fast, as it won't end well. I am guessing a bunch of other BPNers will tell you the same. anon

    You already knew who this man was - this was why you went and read the court documents. Now that your hunch was confirmed, the best thing to do is the old-fashioned thing - the thing a person of character does. Leave because you do not want to be in a relationship with someone who lies. Better now than later

    Dear ''I Like Mike,'' I am in the midst of a divorce from a man who is, sadly, not what I thought...Just warning you. My soon 2B-ex is out trolling for women on Tinder and the other dating sites. He's immensely charming and looks successful on the surface (ivy league/business owner), but is controlling and narcissistic once you're in a relationship with him. You don't see the addictions (sex, spending, gambling, food) on the surface. He keeps them well hidden from his closest friends and family. I feel for the women who are dating him (and there are lots!) - they don't know what they're getting into! Re: Mike, my advice is to take it really slowly. From where I sit now, I can honestly say that I had glimpses of my ex's problems before we were married. I just chose to ignore them because I was ''in love'' and I thought ''love could conquer all''. You might want to really get to know Mike b4 you get serious! Couple of other suggestions: meet his parents and siblings if you can and ask them what kind of a guy he is. Have him take a battery of personality tests and see what they say. And then, if you're feeling brave, have one of your friends ask the ex out for coffee or exchange emails with her. I'm sure she'd love to tell you what drove her crazy about him... Ashley

    I guess it depends on what you are really interested in. If you are only looking for the lifestyle, well, it looks as if he might not be good for it, and you will need to move on. Best of luck with that. But if you really like him, and would like to make a go of it with him, you will need to figure out what kind of life the two of you could actually put together.

    After all, if he's not what you thought, you aren't what he thought either. You both seem, perhaps, to be interested in bigger fish than you've actually caught. It may not be that together you can be rocketing about the world, but could you have a reasonable life together, with the resources you actually have on hand?

    What would your situation be, if you both put all the cards on the table? If I were you, I'd come clean about the business you don't, in fact, own, and see how it goes from there. If you stay together, he's going to find out, eventually, and the longer you maintain a lie, the uglier the truth will seem. It sounds as if his account of his financial status was vague, and that the assumptions you made based on his house and current lifestyle were wrong. Whereas telling someone that you own a business when you only work for it for it is flat out lying. That is, he is merely not the man you thought he was, but you are not the woman that you told him you were.

    If you are lucky, he's a nice guy and has come to care for you for yourself, and your lie won't much matter. If you are lucky, he wasn't looking for someone to finance a lifestyle he can't sustain, and so he won't care that you are not the owner but only a worker in that business. If you are lucky, maybe you two can move beyond this rocky start and build something honest between you. Or you can both keep looking for that bigger fish. lw

    You'll get dozens of responses to this, but I'd say: make up some excuse for why you need to break off the relationship (job, ex boyfriend, anything that will convince him to stay away). Run. I realize you're having a good time, but something wasn't right to begin with, otherwise why would you look up the records? I didn't even know you could do that! And you found out that he is nothing but your basic, garden-variety liar. You couldn't possibly marry this guy, because you would always question whether he was telling the truth. And it's extremely creepy that he would make up a story, instead of being honest. If he can't be honest with you now, there is no way in hell he will be honest when you have genuine issues to discuss. And issues WILL come up, even in a marriage that started out on solid ground.

    The reasons I think you should not explain it to him are: a) he's creepy, and b) you're really emotionally invested and you're enjoying yourself, and he would undoubtedly say something that might tempt you to forgive him and stick around.

    Sorry. You'll find a better person.

    So both of you have financial attachments to ex-es/co-parents of your children that you both have not told each other about. In your case, you actually lied to him to make yourself look better. In his case, the usual gender roles are switched, he has physical custody and receives child support for that responsibility. Maybe he has not given you all the details because he would be worried about you possibly judging him not being in the usual male role. Perhaps as you get to know each other better, he will tell you these things himself.

    I'm a little taken aback that your main concerns are glamour and envy of the ex for her wealth and lifestyle. These are surface concerns that say nothing about the inner person. Worrying about his child support ending too seems desperate - that is certainly not in the near future.

    If you marry him or anyone, you could choose to create your own life and livelihood together. In any case, you need to be honest with each other about finances and everything else. Trust is the basis of a relationship. Blending families is complex.

    If you found some other character issue in his court papers, like abuse, then I would run. If he's actually lied about something else, well, so have you. - Time to get real.

    Sounds like you meant to sign ''I like Mike's money'' hope he sees this

    Dating a younger man who has no car, by choice April 2009

    Hello. I am a single parent, mid-late 30s with a 10 year old. Unfortunately there is no involvement from my child's father. I met a 23 year old. He is very nice, chivalrous, intelligent, funny and ambitious. We had a wonderful first date and he has asked me for a second. Despite his age, I have really started to like him. He is PRE-Law and has 2 part time jobs. But, he just told me he has no car, by choice. He has an apartment and works/goes to school by BART. I feel bad, but I feel like the fact that he has no car, in addition to his age and that he is still in college, is too much. Its the combination of these things that makes me feel uneven. I have worked full-time since I was his age, and have been able to buy a house and buy a new car every 7 years. He has been a gentleman and could be a great prospect, if only he had a car, then I could probably deal with the age and college thing. Would it be shallow of me to not want to date him because he is a 23 year old undergrad without a car? No car, no love?

    He seems like a hard working, intelligent, nice young man who had a different philosophy on cars than you do. Perhaps you should examine your values and upbringing. I remember my mom commenting on the cars my boyfriends drove when I was in high school. A nice car does not necessarily equal a good or productive person. Make a list of all your friend's good qualities and any negative things you feel. Also, look at this as an enjoyable relationship, not that it needs to develop into something permanent at this point. I recommend looking on-line for a downloadable book called ''Dating without Drama.'' I found it very helpful. I wouldn't give up on the relationship for lack of a car. Let him drive your car on dates if that makes you feel more traditional on a date. And I have dated years on both sides of my age. It is the other interests that matter more to me. And enjoy your relationship! kl

    Only one date? Give the guy a chance! Maybe make up a list of qualities you are looking for in a significant other and compare him to your list. Is a car really at the top of your list? What about goals and values? If you are concerned, don't dump him, just take it slow. No need to rush. Sanon

    I think the fact that you have issues with him not having or wanting a car (you said he said it was by choice) says more about you than him. Personally, having or not having a car in an urban area with mass transit would not be a deal breaker for me and good for him for not polluting and living his life without the hassle and expense of a car. Sounds like you only had one date with the guy. Might be too soon to make any solid decisions about anything with him. Maybe just see where it goes. How do you know he's going to see you again? anon

    He may not be owning a car for environmental reasons, which is admirable. He also gets more exercise -- another benefit. If you like him as much as you do, he's probably worth enjoying, with or without a car. He can BART over to you. It's not always easy to find an enjoyable partner, and there's always going to be some issue or another. If one less car is the worst issue, you're in good shape. anon

    I once had an affair with a man who was MUCH younger than I was, and it was exciting and wonderful. But there was no way we could be partners -- our lives were quite simply in different places. Seven years difference is not that much on the face of things, but there is much more than simply a number of years to take into account, as you're finding. You have a child and you have different expectations from life. This younger man has A LOT of development ahead of him and will need to find his bearings, achieve some financial stability, etc. in the coming years. You are longing for stability right now, and you already have embarked on a stage of life that your lover is not yet ready for: parenthood. I wonder whether you have broached your feelings about a more substantial relationship with him -- you might find that at his age, he has not considered commitment seriously. And even if he were your age, it could be that your values would be different. His choice not to have a car coupled to your obvious desire to have a car would be a warning flag even if you were age-peers. If I were you, I would enjoy the warmth and excitement of the affair, but keep it within limits if you can. You could easily find yourself in the unhappy position of having nurtured this relationship and this man through pre-law and law school, only to find that he wants to move on afterwards. So if I were you, I would take it easy, and if you can't do that, move on. newly minted pragmatist

    I think there are two issues here. The first is what is important to you, personally. Clearly, having a car is, to you, a measure of adulthood and a dealbreaker. If it is that important to you, if you attach that much value to car ownership as one of the indicators of adulthood, then it is unlikely that your feelings about this will change and it would be a kindness for you to end the relationship before it goes further.

    My question is WHY this is so important to you. Many people make the deliberate and thoughtful choice to live car-free. For many people it is a way of lessening their ecological footprint. For some, it is a conscious, responsible decision not to spend money on something when they have determined that money can be better spent elsewhere (and you did say he is a student working two jobs). It seems to me that he has made a personal, responsible, adult decision about how to be in the world - and that you do not agree with it. I don't hear that he is critical of your choices, but you seem very uncomfortable with his.

    You two appear to have very different value systems; the car issue (not the fact that one of you owns a car and the other does not, but the fact that you've both made conscious choices about the importance of car ownership) points, to me, to more fundamental differences. Your reaction to his car-free lifestyle says to me that you will have difficulty accepting other differences in your values as they arise. I don't think his choice is irresponsible or immature, but I don't think you two are compatible if this bothers you as much as it does. Friend of many car-free adults

    What exactly is the problem here ? You enjoy each other's company, and you are looking for ways to wreck it by worrying that he lacks a car ? You aren't getting graded on this assignment, except if you enjoy upsetting yourself. I suggest you stop worrying, and be happy that this relationship is not about one person's financial resources. Anon.

    I think it is good that the younger generation is surviving without a personal automobile! Yes, you as a mom with a kid to drive around cannot perhaps relate to that life style. I would not judge someone on the fact that they are smart & alternative & creative enough to not have an automobile! Hey, if you like him, you know his age, you know there will be differences, but if you like him, then go spend time with him and don't ''trip'' over it. The important things are values like does he like kids/your kid, is he respectful, nice to be with, etc. Sandy

    Really? Does a CAR mean that much to you?? Why? YOU have a brand new car...what difference does it make? You might want to rearrange your priorities. If he's nice, a ''gentleman,'' is working, going to school, is a good lover, what more can you ask for? I wouldn't date someone that young but not because of him not having a car. Maybe you really have deeper reasons... good luck! anon

    Yes, it's shallow to not date somebody just because they don't have a car.

    But it's not at all shallow -- in fact, very likely a wise move -- to not date somebody who is in a radically different part of their life than you are. You're mid-to-late 30's, done with school, with kid(s), either had a career or chosen not to, presumably have had serious relationships. He's early 20's, still in school, has not yet started his chosen career, no kids, probably too young to know much about serious relationships. It's almost hard to fathom what the appeal would be (other than sex, not that there's anything wrong with that).

    I think once two people are both five years out of school and into real life, age differences don't necessarily matter much. But when the two people are on opposite sides of that ''adult'' boundary, it's very hard to really have a lot in common once you get past the surface attraction. Find somebody at your stage of life

    The car is the least of it! Of course he doesn't have a car, I didn't either as a college kid. He seems nice, but you are at different places in your lives. You seem hung up on the car thing, but it makes perfect sense for him not to have a car, he is not lazy or something, he is just 10 plus years younger than you. No biggie, stop dating him. anon

    I think your gut is telling you this guy is too young for you. I didn't have a car when I was 23 either. The lack of a car may have gotten your attention, but I think the imbalance is more basic than that. He might be a great person but I think you should look for someone a little older... IMHO

    It sounds like this is less about the car and more about the very real difference in your values/ lifestyle. single mom

    I totally understand why the car thing would push it over the line for you. There's something mom-ish about driving someone around who doesn't drive. Why not just show him the post you wrote or tell him how you feel? A lot happens between his stage of life and yours and it's OK to feel what you feel and it doesn't matter why. Anyway, I don't think the car thing is silly. Good luck. Anon

    In my view, if you have to ask a group of anonymous people whether you should be romantically involved with someone, then I think the answer is pretty clear that you do not have feelings for this person. And secondly, if a thing is a deal-breaker, then it's an open and shut case. a romantic

    First, most guys are nice in the beginning, otherwise they'd never get laid, so let's not put too much into how great he is at first.

    I think you're putting too much focus on the wrong things. No car is a different way to live for sure, but shouldn't be a dealbreaker - yes, that would be shallow. But a guy in his early twenties and you're 36-38? That's ... (add any negative descriptor here that suits you). But letting age be a dealbreaker is not shallow.

    I really think that once you got to know him, down the road, the car would be a thing, but the age and life stage difference would be a problem. You're in settled-into-your-life, mommy stage. He's just starting out in his adult life and probably hasn't even had much of his wild stage worked out.

    Cultural references would also be missing. Does he even know who Milli Vanilli was? No. Did he have friends in high school with crushes on the Top Gun characters?... He may not even know that movie. I'm giving random, stupid instances, but it's something that would show up over time. I befriended some older teenagers/young adults as a social experiment a few years ago, and while you can find commonalities, you hit walls in certain areas.

    If you're going to go for this, be kind and don't expect him to be anything other than a 23yo who hasn't gotten far in life yet. Maybe better as a short fling than something deep.

    I may not be getting the story right, but it seems to me that giving more worth to a car than a person sounds rather shallow, yes. anon

    oh man, this one had me on the floor, laughing! Seriously? It sounds like the fact that he has no car would be one thing you could credit him for! He's wise to the world, doing his part to keep his carbon footprint down, etc. He's not a teenager that needs you to drive him around, he doesn't want a car. If he was 40 and had no car would you fault him? Probably not, so what's the real issue? Probably his age, or even going deeper, people's impression of you because of his age. I really don't mean to be rude, but it's been one date. Does it need to be so heavy on your mind? Can you have a couple rather platonic dates and see what happens? Is this guy really ready to be a father figure to a kid only about half his age? If not, see him on the side for awhile, don't let it take over your life. if you want someone prominent in your life, I'd move on. He may be a great catch, but he's barely a grownup, in the sense that a parent would understand. He was in junior high when you became a mother! take it slow

    How to turn a friendship into something more?

    June 2006

    OK, communal parental wisdom, I have a question that is really about adult relationships but touches on how to survive as a parent post-divorce. I am recently divorced and just shy of fifty. Recently I contacted a man I met before I was divorced both to ask a work-related question and to test the waters to see if he might like to get better acquainted. We have had five get-togethers of the strictly lunch and coffee type over the past three months, all except the first instigated by him, and these are always pleasant but limited in time (two hours or so) and scope (we don't talk relationships at all). During that time he said nothing about any kind of ongoing relationship with someone else or even alluded vaguely to the presence of a woman in his life. For my part, I vaguely alluded to shared custody and no longer wear a ring, but didn't discuss my divorce. Come to find out via a mutual acquaintance that he has a girlfriend, I don't know how serious though I do know that they don't live together. Question (particularly for you males out there, I know there are some out there) -- how do I interpret this? I am interested in the proverbial ''something more'' but have proceeded with extreme caution. Ah, it feels just like teenagerhood. Input from all welcome.
    confused

    If you want a partner who will surrepititiously go on lunch dates with other women and then ''forget'' to ever mention you exist, well then by all means, go for it. I guess as women get older, they don't get any smarter in the ways of love. This is disconcerting. Really, the type of man who fishes around for the next, uh, fish, before ending the relationship he is in is a coward, a liar and has absolutely no integrity. As you have no idea what it would be like to be in an emotionally and physically intimate relationship with him (I mean it could be awful anyway)yet and are not physically or emotionally or finacially attatched, why would you even consider a man like this. It is not like the two of you are together and have problems you need to work out. He's proving to be a problem before step one and you will have only yourself to blame if you go ahead with this. P.S. Why don't you check in w/ the girlfriend. I am sure you will learn a lot. Sorry to sound harsh. I do feel for you Take Care of Yourself

    Given the fact that you and he have not discussed personal issues, it would seem to me that he is treating you like a friend since you have not indicated that you are interested in anything more. Since you have discussed work, it is easy enough for him to tell his girlfriend that he is seeing a friend from work for a casual lunch. I would suggest talking about other issues, such as asking if he has plans that weekend, or maybe say when he asks if you are free for lunch the next time, say that you are busy but was wondering if he would like to meet for a drink (or coffee) after work. See what he says. He and his girlfriend might be serious, or they might be both dating others; you won't know until he says something. This is the Bay Area and there's a wide variety of relationships here. Many years ago I dated someone named Tom, who had a boyfriend named Adam. Everyone was on the same page and we had no issues with that (both Adam and I saw Tom separately, and in fact I never met Adam). More recently I had a female friend seriously dating a man who was also seeing another woman; again, all were knowledgable about what was happening. Just some things to consider. L.

    glad you posted; i just love this stuff, as a recently (well, 5 years ago now, come to think of it) dumped 62 year old dad of a now 7 year old, after 17 year relationship. you at least have something going, so good for you. but what to make of, or how to interpret what is happening with you? from my perspective, unfortunately there is no obvious read on him for you. clearly he is interested, since he has asked you for 4 of the 5 meetings you have had. but whether or not 1)he is very tight with the non live-in girl-friend but is just enjoying a little extra company with you, or 2)even wanting some kind of extra-relationship fling with you, but will still be committed to her in the end OR 3)things with her are not all that serious and he really IS checking you out for something more serious, i just don't think is all that clear at this moment.

    therefore, i think all you can do is just go along with your life and see what, if anything, develops, either here or elsewhere. but keep in mind that ANY of the above 3 alternatives is possible. please however don't mortgage your emotions to any one of them, if you can help it, because it may not be the actual one. good luck and please keep me posted, in case you have time or interest in doing so. i much enjoy hearing how you and others go about these things. d

    Hi, Uncharted territory with these new relationships. Putting yourself out there for a deeper connection is tough. A few things came to mind as I read your post as I too am coming out of a 7 year commitment. First is to remember that you know when someone is into you. He would be wanting more than a few hours here or there. Also, any man I have dated will want to go out in the evening to a play or to dance. There is lots of eye contact and any excuse to sit closer than how friends would sit. If you really are attracted to his mind/body put it out there a bit and see if he is interested in going out to dinner. Let's try and get a date that is longer than 3 hours. Don't be shy when you see someone that looks interesting at the store, supermarket or wherever you are say hi. As my grandma says, ''put on your lipstick and go with the attitude that today anything can happen''. Feel free to ignore the lipstick part (; Good luck and have fun! My 2 cents

    Don't jump into ANYTHING that you have some doubts about if you're recently divorced. It's way more trouble when you're older and have kids to get into things and to break them off. Given that you have learned he has a girlfriend, I'd suggest you either: stay away COMPLETELY from the possibilty of ''something more'' (my preferred option for you), or ask him about it. To me, the fact that he didn't mention a girlfriend probably means that he's testing the waters with you, in a less than straightforward manner (and I suspect he'd be equally vague and elusive about you). Usually this means he'd be interested in being deceptive about his girlfriend. Honey, you have time! Don't worry! and Don't start into anything virtually guaranteed to cause stress.

    Don't push this until you find out from him (and maybe your other source) that his girlfriend is out of the picture completely. And if he indicates that he may be interested in something more, or if your meetings get to be more than casual (e.g., nice dinner or something that feels more like a ''date'' to you), come right out and ask him about the girlfriend. Make him be straightforward w/ you. It's not unusual to start out w/ past acquaintances right after a divorce, but it's probably a good time for you to meet more than just one person, and keep them all at friendship/casual level for a while. You can't replace the good things you lost from your ex just yet

    Finally found a guy I like - but he's younger than me!

    April 2006

    I am a single mom (separated for three years) and about to turn forty. Although I get lots of attention from men, I have not been interested in anyone (at all) since leaving my husband and so have fallen into a rut of politely saying ''no thank you'' to all men who approach me. I keep telling myself I'm not ready, the divorce isn't final, I'm too busy with my child etc...Recently, a man has shown a great deal of interest in me and I am shocked to find that I am interested in him too. The problem is he is seven years younger than me! Although he is the only man I've looked twice at in years I am tempted to say ''no thank you'' again because he is so young. I know we are all individuals, age is just a number, men do this all the time,etc...but I am not a man. I feel ridiculous bringing this issue here (it makes as much sense as consulting my child's magic eight ball, which invited me to ''ask again later'') but I wonder if anyone, esp. women my age have insights that might help. Is such an age difference a good enough reason to reject the advances of an otherwise desirable guy? Am I just protecting my vanity, reputation, or whatever? I have not dated since I was younger than this guy so I have no idea what's ''normal'' now. Am I making a big deal of nothing? anon.

    7 years is nothing in terms of age difference. Go for it, and see what happens! anon

    Go for it! While I'm married and have not been in your situation, I have friends who have and are the same age as you. Who cares if he's younger as long as you enjoy his company. Take it one step at a time, and live and enjoy your life. You are entitled to have some romance. At the same time, you have a child so there needs to be some boundaries established with any new relationship you embark on, regardless of age. Go for it!

    I've been married to a much younger man for more than ten years, and am very happy that when I asked myself the question you are asking yourself, I decided to give it a go. The only area where our age difference makes any difference at all is that we are of different musical generations. Other than that, the important things -- the things that make or break a marriage, like having well-matched values, for example -- are utterly unaffected by our age difference. Before I met this man, I had generally dated men 2-5 years older than I was; I can tell you that most of them had far less maturity than the guy who eventually became my husband (when he was 28 and I was 40). Age Is Only a Number

    Woman, go for it!! You will only know if it works or doesn't work by trying it. And if there is chemistry and you have some connecting points then it could be fun. You don't need to go into it thinking you are going to get married or that he is going to be the child's second father.

    Speaking as a single mom (10 years divorced!), it's really nice to have the attention and affection from a nice man when you can. It's a hard job and you need adult initimacy too! You don't need to broadcast it at first, in fact, I don't talk about or bring the new man home to meet my daughter or friends until I'm sure about him and we've been seeing each other for a while. Even then, in 10 years it's only been a few, not exactly a parade.

    He must be around 32? Not exactly a spring chicken, it's not like his biggest memories are from college or high school! I think we learn things from all relationships, about ourselves and others. Have fun! anon

    Don't worry about it - if you like this guy, just ignore the age difference. I am 11 years older than my husband. We started dating when I was 39 and he was 28. We have been together for over 10 years now and we are very happy. We have many common interests and the age difference really only comes up when we are reminiscing about music we listed to in high school (he listened to crap and I listened to the good stuff - ha ha). Anyway, it is not a big deal. At first, I had a few insecurities about being older, especially since I'm a woman and women worry about their looks a lot more than men do. It's socially acceptable for old geezers like Hugh Hefner but really ''scandalous'' with genders switched! However, I soon realized that no one really noticed the age difference. Even being around his friends, they just don't seem to recognize the difference unless I bring it up. He says that women live on average 10 years longer than men, so we are about even!
    Not too scandalous

    Am you making a big deal of nothing? YES. anon

    I'd say go for it with this guy. A seven year gap in ages is a big deal when you're 24 and he's 17, and still something of a deal when you're 30 and he's 23. But if you're 40 (almost) and he's 33, it's no big deal at all. The older you get, the less this kind of thing matters. My now husband some 15 years ago dated and lived with a woman 7 years his senior and they got along famously. Unfortunately, the poor lady died of cancer after only a few years, but I know they were happy and in love right up until the end. Both families were very happy to have them settled with each other. He and I met a few years ago and are now married. I'm only a year older than him, but I think if I were 7 years older, it wouldn't matter. Good luck. DB

    If you have lots in common and chemistry, you go girl! Both my husbands were younger, one by a year, another by 4 years. Most of the time it made no difference at all. My present relationship is with a guy 17 years older. Most of the time, again, the age doesn't matter at all. Just keep the good communication going and have fun. You deserve fun in life and someone nice to share those experiences with. kathryn

    Lucky you!! I would not worry about the age difference at all. I am 40 and would definitely consider dating a 33-year-old (although I can't because I'm married!). I think the biggest issue is whether you both feel you are in a similar stage of life. For example, the difference between 22 and 27 can be much greater in terms of ''just out of college'' vs. ''stable job/life and looking to settle down'' even though the age difference is only 5 years. 33 and 40 are not so far apart if family/work/life issues are compatible. anon

    Stop worrying sweetie! 7 years is nothing at ages 33 and 40, and will continue to matter even less as you both age. Put it out of your mind right now so you can get to the things that matter :-) I know two couples with women ten years older than the men - they both met in the women's late 30's early 40's.
    Currently seeing someone 5 years younger

    In a word (or few): dating a younger man is no big deal at all. My husband is 4 years younger than I am. His best friend's wife is 7 years older than her husband. My 65-year-old aunt married her 55-year-old husband when she was 33. My other aunt on that side married a second husband who is six years younger than she is when she was in her late 30s. And so on. It's really no big deal and I wonder if your concerns are really more just about getting back into dating again (which is perfectly understandable!). The only question would be if this man wants children biologically related to him. But I'm jumping the gun and if this is an issue you'll no doubt talk about it in good time anyway.... Good luck! anon

    My experience with this is only peripheral. My best friend (48) is married to a man 12 years her junior. They have two children and have been married for over 10 years. My sister is almost 45 and married to a man 7 years her junior. They also have a daughter and have been together over 10 years. I think both have come to view the age difference as a non-issue. I say go for it! Anon

    First, congratulations on finding that ''feeling'' again. Isn't it wonderful? I am also nearing 40. I don't think that the age difference should make any difference. I understand your statement ''men do it, but I'm not a man'' but really, I don't think it should make one bit of difference if you are compatible. If you enjoy his company, see him some more. Take it slow and see where it goes. Good luck and enjoy!

    I am in the same boat as you-seperated/divorced 3 yrs haven't dated since-41 years old. My rule of thumb for dating at this age is 10 years up and 10 years down(31-51) and there can always be exceptions. The older you get the gap in how people behave becomes smaller (usually). If you are 40 and he is 33, that doesn't sound weird to me at all. Anon

    Go for it, girlfriend! It great that you're finally feeling the spark again. Honestly, 33 and 40 doesn't seem that shocking to me; I think the age gaps lessen as we get older. It seems to me like the issues with younger men often revolve around kids (the older woman wants to start a family, the younger man isn't ready yet, or the older woman is leaving her fertile years and the younger man has conscious or unconscious problems with that), but since you're on the BPN I assume you are already a mother so the issue is moot. Congrats on being attractive as your youthful, vital self. anon

    You're probably going to get a lot of responses to this, but I thought I'd chime in. I got divorced at 34, and met a man 6 years younger when I was 38. It didn't even occur to me to think of him romantically at first (I was always into older men), and when it did I felt slightly embarrassed at being so much older, but I must say, he's the best man I've ever met. Almost 5 years later, we're married with a 3 year old, and I never thought I could be so happy. The age difference has had virtually no impact except that I beat him to 40... So go for it! What have you got to lose?
    younger guys rock

    I am 41 and married to a man 8.5 years younger. I was in a similar position as you 4.5 years ago when we met--meeting fewer and fewer men of interest, and most seemed young (as in immature) even if they were my age or older. The only time hubby and I notice the age difference is when discussing certain aspects of pop culture, and even then, I'd say we have ''knowledge overlap'' most of the time. I think what it comes down to is does the man have the same timeline as you (for commitment, marriage, kids, whatever); granted the younger the man, probably the less likely they want those things, but there are some who are open to it.
    happy with younger man

    Forgot to mention some other salient points...I think it's cool to be able to say I married a (significantly) younger man. It's also very fun to have him find me so desirable and sexy, and appreciate my independence and no-bullbleep attitude.
    happy with younger man

    Relationship with a man who barely likes my 5 year old son?

    March 2003

    I recently ended a 2 year relationship with a man I was hoping to spend the rest of my life with. We've talked about the future and everything seems beautiful except for one thing...he loves me but barely likes my 5 year old son from a previous relationship. It's very unfortunate that a bond has not been built. The only way they connect is through soccer, but not much time outside of that is spent with him and my son, it's usually the three of us. He can't seem to get past the fact that ''he gets on his nerves''. It hurt to hear that. I'd like to know if anyone out there has been through this and what anyone could recommend. Because part of it is that I'm not sure he's ready to handle the full weight of being a parent. We don't want to lose each other but I don't want my son to get hurt in the end if a relationship never transpires out of our union. jj

    If your boyfriend is willing, I suggest parenting classes. BOTH of you should attend. He will learn to cope with the issues around parenting, co-parenting and being a new parent addition to your family. You will learn how to support him and your child emotionally.
    coming from experience

    I would not consider marrying a guy who says my son ''gets on his nerves''! What kind of a father will he be? I think it would only lead to misery for everyone involved.

    My husband has a 5-year-old who lives abroad with his mother. He stayed with us for about a month while we were still dating, and that was definitely a testing point for our relationship. Luckily we had a great time together, and I felt confident to take our relationship to the next step and get married; the last thing in the world I would have wanted to become was a ''wicked step mother.''

    I'm sure there are other guys out there that will make a good father to your son.
    A ''not so wicked'' step mom

    This is a tough one. I was a single parent myself until recently. I married when my son was 12. I dated my husband for three years before we married, and he and my son get along well as buddies, although I know my husband finds that my son gets on his nerves at times. One thing my husband is having a difficult time with, although he has good intentions, is the parenting-role, both nurturing, being authoritative (you just have to, sometimes) and making those occasional sacrifices. It definitely takes a while to figure out how to be a parent. Most of us had the luxury of starting out with a newborn and growing into the job with the growing child.

    All I can say is, perhaps you and the guy can remain friends until your son is a bit older and is more interested in adult activities, or maybe you have to give up on this guy and try to find someone who is already a father and has had that crucial on the job training.

    Good luck, Dianna

    I am a firm believer that once you have children they MUST come before a new partner. You cannot be too cautious getting into a relationship with someone and if they show any sign of not accepting and loving your child then you must let them go. Your child always needs to know that they are the most important thing in your life and when you bring someone else into your life you are distracting from that.

    My mother raised me alone after my father died when I was only 1. She was very young and dated off and on through my childhood. I know she loved me but it is very confusing to a child when different men come and go. These are very formative years and the relationships your child experiences will affect them the rest of their life. Your child knows that your boyfriend doesn't care for him/her and that is not someone you want as a father figure. debbie

    If he really loves you he should be open to going to couple's counceling with you. Maybe a good therapist could help shed light on what's really bugging him - something tells me it's not really your son (personally). Anon

    I'm confused...did you ''recently end'' this relationship or are you still with this person? You say one and then go on to talk about how to deal with the fact that your partner does not like your child. In any case, you are a package deal and I would not be with someone who did not like my child. Just my opinion

    I feel for you in this situation where everything seems great except for one thing, and that one thing is sooo important! You say that you already ended the relationship, that's one solution and if you want to stick with that I don't blame you at all. The fact that you wrote, though sounds like you want advice on if you did the right thing by ending it? You are very wise to put your son and his feelings first. I would stick by that bit of truth and see what happens. It's possible you could stay with this man but just not let the relationship develop into 'the rest of your life' kind of union where you live together or get married. I certainly wouldn't want to live with a man, even the biological father of my child, unless they thought my kid was as wonderful and precious as they truly are!! It's possible that if you don't push things, a relationship between them will develop as your son gets older. Hope that helps. been there

    Hi- My mother married my stepfather when I was seven years old. He (according to my mother) was not really interested in becoming a parent to me but he 'loved her'. I annoyed him. As a result, my mother pulled away from me and I spent after-school time, weekends and holidays with babysitters and relatives. I became very sad and did not do well socially or academically. It wasn't until I became an adult that I made the connection. If I had been allowed to stay with my parents weekends and holidays I would have felt resented and like a third wheel. I understand that you need to 'live your life' but PLEASE- Don't fool yourself into thinking that your child will not be affected by you choosing to bring someone into the family who isn't interested in him. I still resent my mother for leaving me out of the equation when she chose to remarry. It was an extremely selfish move on her part. anon.

    You chose the well-being of your child over your own relationship with a man who wouldn't/couldn't be his ''daddy''. I have a lot of respect for you, for doing this for your child. I am impressed that your friend could admit his reluctance or inability, instead of pretending it would all ''be alright''. Its a tough time for you, but your child will thank you for this later, and you sound like a good mommy. Heather