Brother in law dilemma.
Hi, I have a dilemma. My husband and I and our 2 year old moved into our place last fall. His brother and his then girlfriend moved in and stayed for 2 months as they sorted out their living situation and traveled. They did not pay rent. Then they broke up and now my BIL (29yrs) has been staying with us for almost 5 months now, in our spare bedroom. I'm expecting and am quite sensitive and grouchy.
He is a nice person, and relatively helpful if asked to do specific things, but it really bothers me that he doesn't pay rent or help with utilities, etc. He did have a job but is now potentially focusing on studying in hopes of making a career change. He *may* move out, but it is unclear when and there is no "move out" date. He is theoretically not paying rent so he can become financially stable and able to support himself on his own. Originally we didn't pay for food, but more recently if we order take out my husband just buys his food. This isn't reciprocated, and in my opinion this adds up.
I'm resentful and this is a major source of conflict in my marriage and is making living in my own home less pleasant. My husband thinks I'm overreacting and "he doesn't owe us anything" and has said he can "stay forever." It also certainly has negatively affected my relationship with my BIL, whom I was close with at one time. I will admit I am irritable with him. It also gets in the way of my husband and I having our own time alone... Often I get home and it's another all-of-us-are-home night, one that I didn't sign up for.
What to do? How to approach my husband? Advice sorely needed.
Parent Replies
Wow. It sounds really tough! I remember having a toddler and being pregnant with my second child and that was difficult enough without a permanent guest. At 29 years old, your BIL needs to pay rent, no matter what is happening. Or he can move back home with parents, BTW, why is your husband acting like his parent? I would suggest having a long talk with hubby with a counselor/therapist there to referee, to back you up. Your ideas about your own home and family are not being heard and respected, and really, that is not working for anyone in your household, especially your child- they get it, they pick up on so much that is unsaid. Best to you and congrats on your pregnancy!
You are in a marriage; you and your husband should be making decisions about these types of matters as a team. He should not be unilaterally deciding that your BIL can stay forever in the house without paying rent if that's not okay with you. I would get clear on what you really want - would you be okay with your BIL staying if he paid rent, or took on a household responsibility of equivalent value (child care?), or do you just want him to move out? Then sit down with your husband at a time when you're both relatively rested and clear-headed and explain to him that you are unhappy with the current situation and propose the change you want. If he continues to flatly refuse to consider your needs, the next step is marriage counseling. Marriage is about communication and compromise - if he can't get on board with that about your living situation then he probably needs a professional to help him develop those skills. Good luck to you!
I would look for way to allow your BIL to stay AND make your home more pleasant. It's wonderful to be able to help a family member - and with a new baby on the way, maybe he could be helpful to you? Living together is hard and requires some negotiation. So figure out a few requests: $50/month for utilities and food, one night a week of babysitting, a couple household responsibilities (trash/laundry), help with repairs, painting, getting ready for new baby, etc. Approach your husband/BIL, explain that you're grumpy and sensitive, and ask for what you need to keep the situation going. He is part of the family, so it seems fair that he contribute to the family needs.
If you can get through this and maintain your closeness with your BIL, this could be a nice memory in the future to know that you helped him out during a difficult time.
Good luck!
It sounds like what really needs attention here are the dynamics in your marriage. How exactly did the conversation(s) go about your BIL and his girlfriend coming to stay with you in the first place? Did your husband ask you what you were comfortable with and what would work for you? Did you identify your own needs and express them at all? If you did, did your husband then just ignore them? Did he even ask you about this step, or did he just tell you?
To give you some perspective: having another person stay with you for 5 months (!) and with no move-out date (!!) is something you are perfectly within your rights to complain about. Your husband is showing a shocking lack of respect for you. The fact that your husband is a) dismissing your perfectly valid concerns; and b) attempting to simply impose another person on you *in your own home,* despite your concerns and the fact that you're clearly very unhappy about it ... well, that's a big, big problem in your marriage.
What to do? Well, what I think is called for is probably not what you're ready to do, but here it is anyway: what's called for is to give your BIL reasonable notice -- say between 2-4 weeks -- that he must find another place to stay. During that time, he must contribute to the household by taking on some chores. I'd say it's reasonable for him to clean up after all meals, to cook 1-2 meals a week, and to take on another chore such as laundry or yard care/etc. You can decide what those chores are. You don't *ask* your husband if those limits are OK -- you *tell him* that since he's decided to impose this on you, you're now taking back control of your life and your home.
How to approach your husband? You *tell* your husband (no asking!) that your marriage needs some serious help to get the power dynamics back to a healthy level, and he can join you in counseling, or you'll be going there yourself. Then make good on all of that.
If you're not ready to do all of this, then head to counseling yourself and figure out how things have got to the point where you're no longer able to get a say on what happens to you *in your own home.*
Not sure why your husband isn't respecting your wishes to have an end date to his brother's tenancy, but it's not unreasonable. (Is the BIL even providing babysitting for the 2 year old?) You should feel free to tell him nicely he needs to move out in the next month. Your husband can disagree but it's your home too! Definitely sounds like there are some cultural issues at play here but IMHO you're in the right.
Two issues: (1) your interface with your husband and (2) your interface with your BIL.
(1) Let's assume for the sake of argument that your husband is a nice guy who wants to help his brother, but his primary commitment is to his wife - as it oughta be.
Have you given your husband a specific limit to how long you will tolerate his brother's imposing himself on you?
If your husband cannot set a limit, will he back you up if you tell him that YOU are setting a limit on this man's staying with you?
(2) Are you able to say "Listen, Stanley, I think it would be better to you to get your own place. I am feeling that my privacy is invaded. Your deadline is (e.g. 1 September.)
Wishing you the best.
Could you get your husband to agree to charge him "rent" which you will put into a separate bank account, and then return to him when he moves out (either all of it or some percentage)? That way the BIL is indeed saving up for his eventual departure from your home, and frankly, also has some motivation to get going with his life. Living "rent free" does not often translate into building up a large capital base. This is what I've noticed with adult children, in any event: the money they are supposedly saving instead goes to clothing, entertainment, etc.