20 year old step son
So here's the situation- he's 20 years old, was living with mom until graduation. He then went away (1 hour away) to school, for one year. He never got a job while there. He didn't really make friends, didn't play sports. He was relying on his dad for money. He is obsessed with gaming. He then told his mom and dad he doesn't want to go back to school after summer, he's lonely there. I believe the real issue is, he can't survive on his own and hasn't been forced to. So his mom said he can't go back there, now he's with us. He's very nice, but socially awkward. I think it's because of the odd gaming world he's into. He has been here three months. I pay his cell bill, he has no car, no job, games all day. He only comes out of the room to eat. He doesn't shower nor brush teeth really. He states he's out trying to apply at a few jobs, nothing has come of it. I've stated he needs to help around house, if I cook- he cleans. He does, but that's it. You have to tell him to do stuff, like take out garbage. He doesn't know how to even cook for himself. This is a habit created by his mom, allowed behavior I feel.
So my issue is now the dad feels guilty he hasn't been around enough (he's military) so he's afraid to push him. He says he's a good kid (I continue to correct and say no, he's a man), he's afraid he will go to drugs or drinking. I told him that's him expecting him to fail then. He needs to be assertive and make a goal and timeline. He says he is looking at classes at a community college. I feel he should go back to the school he was at and finish it. No need to have us continue to enable him. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. Have a car, pay his cell phone.
My husband and I fight over this. He tells me stay out of it, but this is my house also and he leaves him here with me while he travels for work. I said he should go to his mothers then while he's working. Help!!!
Parent Replies
How about going to a local community college? Maybe get a catalog, and go though it with him, looking for classes he might enjoy. Try to do it in a friendly, not demanding way. Suggest he bring classmates home for dinner. It sounds like you are resentful of the situation. But you chose to move in with a man who has a son. You need to put your resentment aside and try to work with your stepson towards a more productive live.
It's likely that your step son is depressed; you should be thinking about getting professional help. This is also likely to be an issue of family dynamics beyond your step son, himself.
Your husband saying that he's a good kid is an expression of affection. It's not helpful for you to be insisting that he's "a man".
It sounds like a very difficult situation for all. I wonder if you ever had children of your own? It is much harder than it appears to be a parent and especially of a kid - yes I said kid- who is difficult or confused or depressed or ? Please try to be more of a team with your husband- and the ex wife too. Being supportive and kind is the hardest thing to do right now but it is what is needed most
This young man has an Internet game addiction. It's a real thing. Like gambling or drugs. Is relatively new, so it's hard to approach about for the families & the kids. There are resources out there. My kid does best out in nature, away from electronics where he has to apply himself, create new bonds, between real people. Talk it over with his dad offsite over dinner and have some creative ideas ready and try not to argue. Look into working organic farming internships. Your whole group is a combination of enablers. But try to be kind to each other about it, and find creative solutions. No one person is really to blame.
Being a stepmom is a challenge. It's also pretty difficult to "stay out of it" when you are dealing with someone in common spaces in your house who hasn't fully "launched" yet and you don't have the usual suite of options that you would have with a regular tenant roommate to manage their behavior and contributions. I don't know the solution to your issues but I found when I became the stepmom to a stepson I hadn't previously known and hadn't expected to have living with me, I gained some comfort from reading books such as "The Enlightened Stepmother"; "Stepcoupling" and "A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom". The quotes in the last one in particular at least gave me a sense that I wasn't alone in being in this situation. I also found this list helpful, particularly since there were few people at my workplace and in my circles who were dealing with offspring who were older teens/young adults and their challenges and I learned a ton about how other people faced their challenges and wondered what the right thing was to do. It would be good to root around in your network of friends and colleagues and find somebody somewhere with a similar experience you can relate with and chat to. I also found it helpful to go to a therapist and focus on my interaction with the young person in those discussions. Good luck and best wishes to you.
I was in exactly your shoes about 7 years ago! It was really uncomfortable. My stepson, then 20-21 years old, was kicked out by his mom, then came to live with us. My husband was on the road a lot for work. I was pregnant. The "kid" would wake up at 3pm, make a mess in the kitchen, and then go out to play guitar in clubs. My husband had similar guilt, too: He had had a bad time with his son during his own divorce and felt he had done a bad job, and now wanted to make it up to him. Only I was the one making it up to him! He was on the road all the time!
It caused a huge rift in our marriage actually. Eventually, after the baby came and I got tired of having to change her diaper in the living room because he was in the only other bedroom in the house, I put my foot down and asked him directly to figure out what he was going to do for a living. Free rent for 18 months while you "figure things out" is quite enough, IMO. My husband was furious. The kid bounced around to a friend's apartment and then back to his mom's, and then his mom put HER foot down and said he could join the army or be homeless. He went into the army for 2 years and came out much more well-adjusted. If nothing else, it at least gave him a sense of how to be a roommate and clean up after himself.
These days I enjoy his company very much and he has a good relationship with his sisters. Adorable, actually. He still hasn't quite finished college but he's on the road towards it anyway.
What strikes me about our similar situations is that - people are saying your stepson is "addicted to games," but then mine was "addicted to guitar." I really don't see a difference. The core problem is not having the ability to move out / pay bills / be social / have manners. There are many reasons this might be the case - blaming technology seems weird and stupid IMO.
I wish I could offer you a helpful answer; all I have is empathy and a suggestion that you focus less on the games and more on his social skills. How, I dunno. Best of luck tho. I've left my username visible so you can contact me if you need to. <3