Talk to me about repeating kindergarten

Hello, 

I have a child that is one of the older ones in his class and I can tell how much it has benefited him. He did TK which is really just an shorter day of kindergarten. I would say if you have the option and it feels right for your family you should go for it. Me and my husband both repeated grades growing up and I would say it helped immensely. I wish the offer to repeat was given more often! Best of luck. --TBears

My son is in 9th grade now and I don't regret holding him back.  Best decision ever made!!!  It was a HARD decision for sure at the moment, but now, I am very pleased we did!  Our son had a stutter, anxiety and OCD.  Our therapists insisted that we do it, but the school not so much.  Do the speech therapy with the school, but get a private therapist as well.  Schools these days can't do it all.  Too many kids and not enough money.  Many insurance companies will cover private therapy for OT and speech. BUT make sure you don't focus so much on school work.  Get him out to play and explore.  Find his passions and go from there.  He will do fine!

Good Luck!

I would listen to your gut. We have been through this and wish we had listened to our own instincts to delay the start of kindergarten. Instead we deferred to the preschool director and incoming private schools that all said he would be just fine. He wasn't and we ended up repeating 2nd grade. It all worked out but was much more complicated socially and involved moving schools to minimize the social stigma. That was 5 years ago and it has worked out really well for him. He just needed extra time to develop and is now at and above grade level in all areas. There are really are no downsides to repeating a grade when very young, especially in kindergarten. Think of it as giving your child a gift of time. Develop a quick on-liner for anyone who asks why they are repeating and be done with it. I'm not clear if you mean Spring birthday as in he is young from the grade or older. In our case our son has a summer birthday and was the youngest the first time around. Our son would say something like "it's because I have a summer birthday I was too young so I repeated the grade." Kids would just move on after that and didn't give him a hard time. We would say the same thing to any adult that asked but add that he was the youngest and reading wasn't coming fast to him so he needed extra time and repeated a grade. It never made me feel bad. In fact I think it made us look like parents who care deeply and are willing to make hard choices instead of just going with flow when the flow isn't working. Best of luck!

I’d completely toss “parental pride” out the window - you have loads to be proud of, especially if you make this brave decision. Repeating kindergarten sounds like a good idea. I know several kids who either started K a year late or repeated, and they’ve all been served well. Some still struggle, but had they not repeated, they would have struggled more. Even small academic or social struggles impact a child’s self esteem. Give your child every chance for success. It will be hard on him to repeat a grade and stay in the same school - but it’s WAY less hard in K than it would be in 3rd grade. That scar stays for life. Good luck. 

This is a great question.  It sounds like you've had a lot of early intervention--I wonder if you also have an IEP for school and whether the school has talked about what would be an appropriate placement for your son for next year--although if you're staying in private school, perhaps this is less of an issue.  My son has a different set of issues---but lots of learning disabilities, was very small for his age in elementary and middle school, and socially a little young.  School recommended repeating kindergarten.  I considered it, but ended up reading some research saying that having a second year of a similar experience wasn't necessarily the best way to intervene with children who were behind--I ended up having him stay in his age-appropriate grade and he had an IEP and a lot of school based and private intervention.  Through elementary and middle school, I really second guessed that decision--my son stayed small and somewhat behind his peers and I wondered if another year would have helped.  I will never know what different that would have made--I do know that his learning difficulties would not have gone away just with another year of kindergarten--he has processing issues that will remain a problem throughout his life.  Now he is 15 and a freshman in high school--he's still on the smaller side for his age, BUT he's hit puberty and seems socially/developmentally in the right place with same-age peers.  I think that if he were in 8th grade, he would feel out of step with development.  He still gets special education services, and will need them throughout school, but I'm feeling like merely repeating kindergarten would not have been the answer.  However, I know that every child is different, and the hard part is I can't go back and see where we would be now if we'd had a 2nd year of K.

We did this and for us it was a good choice. Our son had speech delays and was/is on the autism spectrum. It was clear when he was 5 that he was behind his peers in school.

He is now in high school and is in-line with his class. Although he is the oldest in his grade level, he is not ahead of them, and still a bit behind. He's gifted in a few areas and has largely overcome the obvious language issues, but there are still subtle problems that prevent him from easily understanding verbal information. This is to say language is complicated but obviously so important school, so it's usually is a slow process of catch-up. For us, I am thankful we held him back as I can't imagine how 1st or 2nd grade or any grade would have gone for him if he had stayed with his age group. We also did years of OT & Speech. He already felt bad in kindergarten about not being able to do things and express himself like other kids, another decade would have been brutal. But this is us/him.

I think Malcolm Gladwell addresses a similar concept in one of his books about the disadvantage of being a younger kid in your class, and that can stay with one their whole like. Not quite the same idea but a parallel one, with developmental age.

I know a few friends with similar issues. One finally had her son held back in 3rd grade. Hard decision but ended up positive, he told her for the first time in school, he gets to be one of the smart ones. She hadn't realized what is was like for him to be always the "slow" one in class. Another woman I know waited until 5th grade as she kept hoping her son would catch up and she worried about a stigma of being held back. I don't keep in touch with her so I don't know if her worries materialized or not. And lastly a friend's daughter was born in the June so just before the cut off. It means she is always the youngest and struggles. My friend said that had she known the difficulties of being the youngest in a class (often a full year younger than others), she would have held her back. It's hard for these kids in their class to always be the one who struggles a bit. I do think it affects their self-esteem. 

You may want to ask yourself if you think your son's language challenges will suddenly clear up in the next year?  Not so likely. So he may feel more comfortable with kids more at his developmental stage than with kids at his chronological stage. For me, at the kindergarten age, it would be a no-brainer decision to hold him back.

If you have doubts now, I suggest to repeat K.  Our son started K at age 4 because we (and his preschool) thought he was ready; he is now a high school freshman.  There are challenges - social, emotional and academic.  The academic challenges often balance out over time out and there are lots of resources to lend support.  But the mental and emotional are a bigger challenge.  At the time we made this decision it was very difficult for me.  I considered not only his K readiness but also what it would be like when he was in middle school and beyond.  In the end we made the decision that felt right at the time.  But if I could, I would keep him back a year.  

With regard to self esteem, the impact at your son's age is minimal to none - that is what most research says, or at least did ~10 years ago.  With regard to parental pride, feel good about whatever choice you make and be proud that you are making the choice that you feel is right for your son.  There are many other milestones to look forward to.  And as one parent told me, enjoy that 'extra' year with him.  ;o)

Good luck with your choice.  It's not an easy one, but it's also certainly not the last tough decision you'll have as a parent!

We did for my 1 September birthday kid. Initially, I was ashamed but now I think it was the best decision we could have ever done for him. There was a little social awkwardness that the school had to address.