Alternatives to Ferber

Yes! My 2.5 year old son still sleeps with me. My memory is fading, but at about one year old, he was sleeping through the night 99% of the time. The biggest problem for me was that he tossed and turned a lot, usually ending up sideways; this was in a queen bed, but it was disturbing my sleep (kicks in the abdomen and body-lobs over my head! :-) etc) so although he was getting pretty good sleep, I was not. I mostly just waited it out, knowing it wouldn't last forever, but some nights I would put him in his crib just so I could maybe get some sleep (this sometimes was easy for him, othertimes more difficult). Now he is 2.5 years old, sleeps very well, doesn't toss very much, and he's been doing this for at least 8 to 12 months. But, I must admit, I think this boy was pretty easy; other kids and parents have a harder time for any of a number of reasons (maybe for my next one I will have to reread all these sleep emails and reconsider my strategy!). All I can say is this worked for me. I do think kids learn on their own the natural progression of things. I am getting my son ready for his own bed (pretty soon you are going to have your very own bed, just like a big boy!), and he seems open to it, as he is in the my own and do it myself stage. I'm not a pediatrician, but my own belief is, when doctors say a child should be doing such and such by X months, in reality, if the child does it any time in the interval X months plus-or-minus about 12 months, everything is just fine. I have not heard of a 4 or 5 year old who has not been able to go to sleep on his own since infanthood due to too much cuddling or sleeping with parents. Maybe there are some? I'd like to hear.

Response to question about children sleeping through the night without having to cry it out. Yes, but my daughter didn't wake up to be fed. She slept through the night starting at 6 weeks (she was big, born 3-1/2 weeks late and was a very good eater) but starting at 4 months she woke up frequently from teething pain (tylenol was -almost- her first word)! This lasted off and on until all her teeth were in (and her first didn't come in until right before her first birthday). The one time I did decide to try to let her cry it out, being pretty sure it wasn't teething pain, I found out the next day she had an ear infection. Since then I decided to take her at her word - she woke up and cried because she needed something, even if I couldn't tell what it was right away. When she got older and woke up it seemed like it was for emotional comfort or assurances - she woke up mainly after the days she had the least time with me.

Another mother said her child did the same thing, seeming to try to make up for lost time with Mommy during the day by waking at night. Generally when things are tough for her in some way, either because of external or internal changes, she needs us more and the time before sleep and waking in the middle of the night are one of the ways she asks for the extra nurturing she needs. We seem to learn over and over again that she WILL make changes WHEN she is ready, as our pediatrician keeps telling us; it's our job to be sensitive to that readiness, offer her opportunities to develop, but not push - though we frequently question this approach when it is inconvenient with our own wishes. This approach has worked for us with sleeping, though I realize other children and families are different.

Fortunately I found a link to a web site belonging to a doctor who sells his own sleep video. I am NOT hawking this product, but this method worked for us and basically it involves a gradual process of teaching your child how to go to sleep by him/herself, but also with you nearby. Part of it involves finding your child's natural bedtime, which might be much later than you usually put him/her to bed, but the time at which he/she is genuinely TIRED and wants to go to bed (and then you can change it once the routine is established). You begin by changing the bedtime routine so that the baby knows that things are different, and then placing the baby in the crib when he/she is still awake, and placing a chair next to the crib. You have to decide beforehand how much time you are willing to let the baby cry before your pick her up, comfort her, etc. and then stick to that. Remember, though, that you will be there the whole time. You shouldn't talk to the baby, but just be there and pick him up and comfort him when your time limit is up (whatever you decide that is--it could be 5 minutes). Eventually you progress to moving the chair to the doorway, and then outside the room, so that your child still has the feeling that you are there if he needs you, but that he can go to sleep by himself.

This process took about 2 months with our daughter, and progress was not always completely smooth, but both my husband and I were comfortable with it and it seemed quite painless. I felt much better knowing that however much she might cry or be frustrated (which wasn't usually that long), we were always there and she could trust that we wouldn't leave her. I felt that this method struck a good balance between making her feel loved and safe, and also imposing some structure for her (before this we would always have her go to sleep on our bed, with one of us lying down next to her, and then move her to her crib, occasionally waking her up, and making the process agonizingly long).

Here is a link to the site: http://www.drhull.com/ The narration can be slightly annoying, but if you watch it with an open mind and pick out what works for you, I found it to be very helpful. This is just one more option to consider, best of luck!

2) The crying: I was happy and non-guilty with the technique I read and used, which was to:
- Let the child cry for 5 minutes (or 1, or 3, if you prefer).
- Go in, comfort the child in the crib (without removing them from the bed), and leave.
- Wait twice as long, and do it again.
- Wait twice as long, and do it again, as
many times as needed.

I found that, without comfort, my child would cry indefinitely, but with the comforting,, my child would relax and fall asleep. I feel guilt-free with this approach because it makes very clear the parent's expectation -- that the child should go to sleep at that particular time in that particular bed -- while reassuring the child that s/he is not forsaken or forgotten, and that Mommy (or Daddy) cares.

Because I had previously let my child cry for a very long time, at first it took several trips back and forth before the child went to sleep. But it very quickly took only one or two trips. Using this technique, all three of my children became very good at going to sleep at the bedtimes that we, the parents, chose.

I first want to recommend two books to you, the first is The Aware Baby and the second is Tears and Tantrums, both are by Aletha Solter who offers an attachment parenting perspective. My son has also been a crier and I understand how heart wrenching it is to hear. Both of these books offer a lot of information regarding the positive health benefits of tears... crying actually helps children release the stress of there day and become more calm... tears are actually healing. Don't you always feel better after a good cry?? Why wouldn't it be any different for babies? Anyhow, Solter's perspective has been very healing for me and I now encourage my son to cry rather than try to distract him from his emotions.

My son no longer cries when going to bed (as of 13 months), but when he was crying I would hold him in my arms and talk to him and encourage him to get all the ikkies out. Sometimes it would be 5 minutes, sometimes it would be 30 minutes, and a few times it was an hour, but he would cry and cry and I would hold him... sometimes, the strength of his emotions was very hard for me... sometimes, I would put him down when he seemed like he didn't want to be held, but he would come back to me and I would again hold him even though it seemed he would be struggling away... eventually he would get it all out and fall into a deep sleep while in my arms and then I would put him in the bed and he would stay asleep. This has been very effective and satisfying for our family, as I do not believe in leaving a baby alone while they cry it out.

I hope this his been helpful, best of luck to you and your family....

The method we used to get them to learn to fall asleep has involved many middle-of-the-road techniques. With my first child, who had a really hard time with separation, I'd breastfeed, using a tape of music that would conintue while I put him in the crib. I'd stay, patting his back, for a very long time. He might cry, and then I'd lay him down, and pat his back. (With my daughter this never happened, she was easier). Then for while I followed Penelope Leach's advice. Leave, but never for more than one minute, and come back, but never stay longer than 30 seconds (See her discussion in Your Baby and Child from Birth to Age 5). Say, Im here,go to sleep, it's alright. But basically, if you can get them to lie down, and pat their back, or sit in the room and say shhh you can gradually get them used to being a little distanced from you as they fall asleep. We found story tapes, turned on softly, worked very well (Curious George, Frances stories, etc.) Eventually, just the tap is necessary, with maybe a few calls from the other room of I'm here, go to sleep! EVen now we just read in the next room, or fold laundry or something. So they have distance, but not total separation, which is, I think, too frightening. They DO need autonomy, but not by force. Then, if/when they wake up (sometimes as early as 11) we let them come in our bed. Gradually, it has worked out that my 7 yr old comes in around 6 a.m., on his own, and my 3 yr old might wake up to use the potty, but half of the time wants to go back in her own bed. But if we ever said they couldn't come, forget it.

This is only for those who even can stand to think of a family bed, but getting them to fall asleep in their own bed, and buying a king-sized futon, has made it all worth it for us. Good luck!

I was really touched by everyone's concern and advice, and I was especially grateful that of all the responses, and all the very strong feelings and beliefs on this issue, not one person was harsh or judgmental. Thank you all!