Concerns & Problems with Working at Home

Parent Q&A

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  • Hi parents, 

    A bit of a strange request but probably one that those working from home can relate to. I have been having really bad neck pain since May that's 100% correlated to me working at my desk. I have been seeing a chiropractor, got an adjustable-height desk, modified my setup multiple times, and nothing seems to work. The only time I'm not in anguish is when I'm not working (yes, it's not lost on me that this might not be entirely due to ergonomics). Is there someone in this community/do you know someone who would come to watch me work and tell me what I'm doing wrong? Happy to compensate you/them for the time.

    Thank you!

    Try Esther Gokhale and the Gokhale method: https://gokhalemethod.com/

    You didn't mention your desk chair but it is really important. I have been working at home for years as a software engineer so I'm sitting at a desk on the computer all the time. It is critical to have a really good office chair. Way more important than your desk IMO.  You need lumbar support and adjustable armrests so your body is in a good position while you are working.  I love my Aeron chair, which I got at Design Within Reach about 10 years ago. You can go to the store in Berkeley and try them out.  This chair is an investment but it's worth it if you are spending 8 hours or more a day sitting in a chair. It's far cheaper than a chiropractor or, heaven forbid, back surgery!

    Hi there! I'm so sorry to hear about your pain! We've used Allen Yagjian with Ergobility. He's an ergonomics consultant who will come to your home or do a video visit if preferred. I found that some of the setup advice was completely new for me -- just various parameters I'd never considered. I highly recommend him! You can reach him at yagjian [at] ergobility.com. Good luck!!!

    I highly recommend the physical therapist Liz Gillem, in North Oakland. She calls her practice Body Temple and she had me send her photos and videos of how I was standing at my desk. She is exceptional at body work and PT suggestions too- she helped me to the point that I am no longer in pain. 

    https://bodytemplept.com/

    I’ll add another recommendation for a good desk chair. I recently upgraded to a Steelcase Leap which allows me to sit in a somewhat reclined position vs bolt upright. This takes a lot of pressure off my upper back and neck which is critical for me - I broke my neck and have 3 fused cervical vertebrae.

    It’s an expensive chair. I bought mine used at Berkeley Office Interiors which was way cheaper than new, but not cheap by any stretch of the imagination. They have a lot of used chairs (most far less expensive than the leap), so it’s definitely worth a visit. Call ahead for an appointment.

    My spouse uses the chair whenever I’m not using it and finds it quite comfortable / preferable to his own. But he has no injuries and can work in a dining chair without pain, so he doesn’t see the need for such an upgrade for his own workstation.

    I'm happy to add another chair recommendation.  Even as you work out your ergonomic setup and posture, a quality, fully adjustable chair is of the utmost importance.    My favorite chairs are from OM Seating (formerly Office Master), especially the YES (YS) series and Patriot (PA) series.   The chairs are durable and high quality, and cost less than Aeron or Steelcase.  I work in a big office and we have a lot of chairs, including Office Master, Steelcase, Aeron and other chairs, so I had a nice opportunity to try out various ones in the real world.    The chair model you choose within any series depends a lot on your height.    Website references for the above:  https://www.omseating.com/environment/office-ergonomic-task/  but to get pricing or buy,  contact ergodirect.com or cubesolutions.com.  Ergodirect makes it very easy to see the price, ask for advice, place the order and has great customer service.  Cubesolutions might be a little cheaper if you already know exactly what you want.    Whatever chair you are considering, look up youtube videos on that model or brand of chair, so you can see it in action, see the adjustments and collect information. 

  • I might be dreaming of a solution that doesn’t exist...

    Since SIP started, I have tried working at the dining table, putting a folding table in the hallway, and backyard. None of it is ideal and being distracted constantly. Spouse is using the plus room as his office. We tried sharing that office but it didn’t work because we are both on conference calls constantly. Both parents in the smallest room in the house means kids also try to cram in there. kids are young enough that they want to “work” where parents are. We have a small basement space but one parent working in the basement is grossly unfair to the other parent on the main floor with kids. But, the mom (me) that works at the dining table ends up being the magnet for kids. I have to keep telling them to go ask dad but that simple interruption is killing me. Also, the dining table is constantly cluttered with kid stuff which makes it hard to concentrate on work.

    Kids have a desk but they want to work with parents...

    I think I need my own workspace — a proper desk, lamp, and a door to shut when needed. 
     

    I have a few ideas but I think I need a bit of professional help to clear junk, organize stuff, and reimagine the existing space and help procure and set up office furniture/equipment. We don’t have a lot of money but I desperately need to find a way to carve out my own space. I am miserable trying to work from the dining table while staring at kid debri. 

    House is small and each bedroom is just big enough for a king size bed and a dresser.  (2+ room, ~1500 sq ft. It has quite of unusable space because the hallway is oddly large. We are not looking to remodel or do construction. 

    If you know an interior designer who also helps with organizing and setting up a home office or a professional organizer who helps with home office set up and has interior design background, please let me know. I hope to achieve all of this within $2000 or less budget which includes a desk and lamp purchase. 

    I suggest you swap your king-size bed for a queen and put a small desk in the bedroom. You need to be able to work behind a closed door sometimes.

    This may not be ideal, but my mom did her entire master's program working from a little office set up in the small hallway coat closet. And it was so cozy, once she was done after 2 years we all used it. To set up a table, she painted wood square plank thingy and rested it on wood strips nailed in the walls, so the height was perfect for her and the chair. I know it's not the ideal office but she was so tucked away we didn't even notice her when she was in there. This closet was something like 2.5 ft x 2.5 ft. Then later she moved her sewing machine in there and surprisingly that worked too. Not sure if this will work for your situation but just to help look outside of the box.  

    I just got out of the dining room. Take it from me - you need to get out of the dining room! 

    It sounds like from your post that you have two workable spaces - the basement and the plus room. Have you considered alternating who gets what room either by day or on a morning / afternoon schedule? That will force the kids to bug the parent in the plus room because the parent in the basement won’t be available. That might even out your “go ask dad” issue.

    Regarding desks, the IKEA sit / stand desk is affordable and ergonomically great. I’m not sure how it will stand the test of time, but it’s high enough quality to make it through a few years. I highly recommend it.

    Hi there – don’t know if you found someone but a friend of mine does exactly this and she’s super reasonable. I haven’t used her but I’ve had a few friends and work colleagues where she transform small pet spaces for them and they’ve been really happy. She does organizing and design and is a mom of two. 
     

    She’s in SF but definitely does work in the East Bay. Here’s her contact info

    Emily Timby

    Emilytimby [at] gmail.com

    607-280-3271

    I'd like to recommend an interior design website called Modsy.com.  I took a design quiz and answered a few questions, then sent pics of the space. An actual interior designer completes the layout according to your needs.  Great customer service, and they'll create a custom 3D design of the room with furniture that fits your budget.  You can use their site to swap out furniture and change the layout.  It's less than $100 for a design and completely worth it. If you're interested I can send you pics of the designs they made for us, and there's a referral code for 20% off the design fee. 

    Sigh. Been there, done that. So how about you and your husband switch off between being “it”?  The parent in the hot seat fields questions and is the one to deal with kids while the parent in the back office gets uninterrupted time. Your husband has to be the one equally committed to being present and available to children to make this work. Yes, there is an inexplicable draw to mama. But it can be fixed so you can get work done. But you can’t have a partner who is taking the path of least resistance by allowing the default to occur- that the needs of the kids to fall to mom all the time. My husband has an invisibility cloak of sorts that had my children seeking me out even when dad was set up in the kitchen and I was on a rickety TV table in a tiny back room trying to do telehealth during shelter in place. It has to be spelled out clearly to all involved and consistently enforced who the parent on duty is and when. But it takes the parents being on the same page and being a united front.

    depending on the employer, one or both  of you can take jntermittent FMLA and have reduced work hours In order to cover educational needs of children. Of course that involves loss of income given that time off is not reimbursed. Otherwise, mom and dad need to come up with an equitable plan regarding use of office space. My husband initially tried to capitalize on my kids’ tendency to come to me for everything -even though he has total flexibility and very little actual work involved in his job- when mine in telehealth is camera facing and literally back to back meetings 8 hours straight with 3 and 8 minute breaks interspersed. I put a stop to that quickly and my husband learned to step up pretty quickly. This is the season of boundaries. If you can’t set and enforce them , you will get eaten alive by your children and put your job in jeopardy.  So three choices: equitable use of space and mutual support for  getting work done and getting kids supervised. Or, get a caregiver solely to supervise and support kids (But still requires major boundary setting to remain unpestered)  or 3, one or both parents switch up work schedules and take unreimbursed FMLA to be able to supervise kids. Only option #1 does not cost money, so I’d start there. Good luck!

    Hi, I feel for you- this is so hard. I don’t know how old your kids are but, any chance you could make the basement a kid zone? Set it up with their toys, a craft table, and a radio they could play audio books or kid’s bop or maybe put on a dvd movie or set the station to pbs kids? (I suggest this option of screen time because I think when they have the option of endless shows to stream, it becomes all about sitting and watching shows, but a fixed dvd or pbs kids can be both educational and kind of background noise rather the main event.) 

    good luck! 

  • I am exhausted and completely overwhelmed. I was on the phone with a single friend without a child who blissfully said, “Don’t you just love working from home?” I wanted to kill her. I calmly said, “No. This is so hard. This is impossible. I am reaching a breaking point.”

    I recognize that we are much luckier than many. While our pay has been reduced by 50%, we are still working and have health insurance and have a little bit of savings to last us 3 months. I run a small business and took a 75% pay cut while working my butt off without pay right now in order to avoid laying off our small team for the time being. My spouse is also working full time from home. I am truly hustling to keep my small new business afloat while my spouse also puts in his 110% to try to keep his job that provides health insurance for the entire family. My spouse is pretty low on the totem poll at work and we are worried about his job security.

    We have no way of staggering our work days to watch the kids. We are both on conference calls most of the day to fight for our jobs. 
     

    In the meantime, kids are being ignored with their brains rotting away in front of TV. They spend 5-6 hours a day in front of screen (TV and games). I am crying. I know this is not good for them. But we have to work. It will be worse if we lose our house and can’t afford food.

    I tried to get my kids to do online class. They refused. They want a parent to do things with them. I ask them to do worksheets that we spent hours sifting through and put together. They resist and want us to check their work after every page.

    I ask the older one to take the little one and play outside. The little one wants to play with mommy. Daddy or sister won’t do and scream for mommy.

    I had to buckle down and tried to get that PPP loan application in. It’s survival mode. I let kids cry and had to ignore them. I see them curling up in bed sobbing with their loveys. 
     

    Little one asks if I can take a break and play with him. I couldn’t as I was going into a call to pitch to a potential client that could be the difference between my business making the payroll or start laying off people. My little one cried and a bit later I hear him asking Alexa to tell him a joke as I try to sell to a potential client. My heart broke into million pieces.

    My kids have been doing a bit better since I started getting up early to work, limit day time work to urgent inquiries and calls, and then work more from 9 pm - 1 am. But, I am now a walking zombie and this is not sustainable. Our business operates during the day, so I still have to be available and do lots of calls during the day. 
     

    Juggling work and kids has always been an impossible task. With the pandemic, now it’s super charged impossibility. Parents will succumb to mental health crisis. 

    Our house has not been dusted or vacuumed for a month. I barely keep the kitchen and bathroom clean. With money being short, I am also cooking all of our meals. 

    I know there is no answer. I am hoping to hear from others that we are not alone. I would like to see more parents speaking up and sharing the struggle. 

    You are 100 percent not alone! Things aren't even as dire for me as they are for you, and I'm still going completely bonkers, dying for this insane situation to end. Because I'd already been laid off and was working freelance before the shutdown happened, I have now taken over daytime childcare and "distance learning" for my kindergartner. Fortunately my spouse's job is unaffected and we can survive on one income. Unfortunately, that means I feel really alone in all of this and a lot of pressure to let my spouse work long hours uninterrupted.

    Please do not beat yourself up for relying on screens to get your work done. Were I working my old job right now I'd be doing the exact same thing. The idea that little kids can just plop themselves in front of a computer and do online school all day is a complete joke. I can't even believe that that's the answer our government and school boards have come up with. Maybe for junior high and older that's a reasonable option -- but the under 10 set? Really? I understand that in extreme emergencies schools must close, but the focus should be on how to make up days once school reopens. As your post has demonstrated it is not reasonable to expect parents to suddenly provide an alternative school with no warning and without being able to get any help at all. Even grandma and grandpa are out! I know many people who homeschool by choice, and none of them do so in total isolation.

    It sounds like you are handling an awful situation as well as can be expected. The only thing I can suggest is finding another family in which the parent(s) work can more feasibly be done at off hours and you can quarantine yourselves together and trade off watching the kids. I'm suggesting that because it doesn't sound like you are in a high-risk group, and obviously the second family would need to be low risk as well. That suggestion may not be what our county health advisors want, but the longer this drags on with no announced end date the more people will end up doing things like that to survive.

    Please cut yourself some slack. I truly wish I could give you a hug.

    You are not alone! There are a ton of us out here doing this impossible juggle! I am so grateful to have this time at home with my almost 2 year old, but the stress it's causing on my work (also a small business owner pushing extremely hard right now) is immense. I think we all need to give ourselves carte blanche to do whatever it takes to get things done and refuse any associated guilt. This is not how we wanted to raise our kids right now, but they'll survive. We all will, and maybe they'll emerge a little more independent as a result. This is temporary. It will come to an end and we will have a return to help and schedules. In the meantime, just one day at a time, and lots of deep breaths. 

    I want to also echo that you are not alone!  And it made me feel like I wasn't alone reading your post and the other reply, so thank you for putting it out there. I have a 3 year old and I'm working full-time from home while my husband also works full-time at a low-wage food production job as an essential worker.  I'm nervous every day he comes home that he'll bring back COVID-19 with him.  In order to work from home, I have to sit my toddler in front of the TV for 5-6 hours a day too.  Every time I sit at my desk, she pulls at me and begs me to play with her and not work, but I have to keep telling her to watch TV or look at our tablet, or I end up taking a break to play with her and then work 10:00pm-1:00am.  It's breaking my heart and I'm feeling like a failure as a mother and an employee because I can't be as efficient and she's getting so much screen time, and I'm just plain exhausted.  There's no other family that I can quarantine together with, so we'll be in this situation for the long-haul. But just reminding myself that others are in the same boat and to cut myself some slack does help.  Hang in there - sending you another hug.

    Oh my heart breaks for you and I teared up reading your post.  It is so hard.  Hopefully they will lift some of the restrictions soon and you can try to hire someone, maybe a teen in your neighborhood, even for a few hours a day to at least help the kids with their schoolwork and keep them occupied.  My kids are teenagers so it's a lot easier for me to get work done, but I agree I am not parenting, just surviving.  My oldest hasn't done a stitch of schoolwork, sleeps all day long, and is clearly depressed, maybe even clinically so, but I am so stressed out with trying to work remotely so I don't lose my job that I am just letting it go for now.  So much guilt.  You are not alone, people without kids or other dependents have NO IDEA how hard it is right now.

    I am so sorry. All of us with kids are on overwhelm. It must be especially hard for you to be running your own business. I think it's fine to let things slide for now. I hear you talking about cleaning/cooking--are you splitting those duties with your spouse? That's super important right now! Also, it's ok to have scrambled eggs or a quesadilla or a PB&J for dinner. I don't have any super great advice for you -- I just have the one kid and he's 12 so more able to do things on his own, though he's pretty emotionally fragile right now and I worry about this total lack of companionship. We're all struggling, remember you're not alone. Sometimes, that helps. I think the #1 thing you need to do is get more sleep, even if that means kids on computers more.

    Hang in there!

    You are not alone. I know I’ve been hesitant to share how stressful this is because of my guilt that others have it worse with lost jobs, hospitalized or dead family members, etc. But that doesn’t diminish the stress that working parents are facing right now. You have been put in an impossible situation and it’s not your fault. You are acting very honorably to try to avoid layoffs in your business at great personal sacrifice. Please try not to worry about your kids watching TV. A few months of TV while you are literally just trying to survive is fine. If that is the best solution to keep your kids happy and calm while you try to keep your jobs and finances afloat, it is a great solution. Take care and try to go easier on yourself. Remember: none of this is your fault. 

    I thank the Lord each day my kids are older now. It sounds soooo hard what you are going through. My two cents also is: don’t beat yourself up. Plenty of people who are now movie directors spend tons of hours watching TV. 

    Welcome to the club.  At the end of the day our problems pale in comparison to those of people in third world countries and to those experienced by people in WW2 and the Great Depression.  Buckle down, keep stiff upper lip.  Assign your kids some responsibility for the day to day home operation.  Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with them.  You are not alone, but at the end of the day things could be much worse.  Oh and BTW everything is sustainable except for weak peoples' ability and grit and tenacity.  Tip: Unplug your TV ASAP.   

    Dear Mama,

    You are doing enough. More than enough. Your children's brains are not rotting away. You are in crisis. WE are in crisis. Forget online school and worksheets. I'm a public school teacher, I give you permission. Most of the families I work with are similarly in crisis. In fact, I can't think of a single student of mine whose family has it together. Seriously. A couple are "ok", but that's as good as it gets. We'll deal with the education piece in the fall, I promise. If something is helping your kids (video call with teacher to see a friendly face?), do it. If not, skip it. The kitchen, bathroom, vacuuming, and dusting can wait, too. Do what you can to help your kids feel safe and loved. When one asks to play, tell her when you can. Set a visual timer. Play for 5 minutes between calls if you can (that's plenty of time for a tickle fight/snuggle). For some calls, it's ok to have your baby on your lap or your older one being silly in the background. It will probably even brighten the other person's day. I have a child at home too, and we're having meltdowns every single day. You are SO not alone. Keep doing what you can to take care of yourself and your kids, give yourself some slack, and lower your expectations. If the business folds, your spouse loses his job, you're going to the food bank for meals, it'll hurt, but you'll get through it. Some people have said this is this generation's 9/11 moment. 9/11 shook our world, and our adults couldn't stop it. This is shaking their world, and we can't stop it. But we can hold them through it, love them, and come out again together on the other side. This IS survival. This is hard. This is messy. But you can do it.

    You are absolutely not alone. I am so sorry and I am there with you. I am trying to work and caring for my son as well as a parent with a disabling disease who can no longer have home health care because chemotherapy has left her severely immunocomprised. Like you, I try to focus on the things I am grateful for and how we are better off than many. And like I you, I feel absolutely overwhelmed and like I am doing as much as I can and still not enough at work or at home. Do you know what helps a little bit? I attend a zoom faith service and I have one relative (also a parent) who I feel absolutely unashamed to vent to and who I know will just listen without trying to give "helpful" suggestions to make doing the impossible easier. 

    I agree with what the previous responder said, and want to add a couple things. My situation is more manageable than yours (have 100% of income for now, and very flexible work schedules) but I'm still having a very hard time. One of my kids is ok, and one is having so many tantrums and has to be bribed with candy and tv to do anything constructive at all. He only wants to watch tv. So I bribe him with tv time to get him to go for a bike ride or a walk. After 20 minutes where the rest of us are having a good time, he's complaining about wanting to go home and watch tv. My partner and I are at the end of our ropes with it, on top of everything else. We're both yelling more, and also putting the kids in front of the tv WAY more. And on the tv note- I used to feel so guilty when my kids watched tv, and feel like I was basically harming them. Then I read the book Cribsheet by Emily Oster, who provides information about what actual, quality research says about raising children. The research about TV is shockingly thin. The recommendation that kids under 2 shouldn't watch tv comes from research that proves that kids under 2 don't learn from tv. It doesn't come from any research that shows that tv is actually detrimental. It comes from research that shows that kids under 2 who watch sesame street don't improve their language or learn anything, but kids over 2 who watch Sesame Street actually learn things! Their language improves! They learn to read! And for kids above 2, similarly, tv hasn't been proven, on it's own, to be detrimental. What I took from her book was that tv on it's own is kind of neutral (with some caveat about the content of the tv, which I'll get to in a minute). Playing outside for kids is definitely good for them. Reading to your kids is definitely good for them. Watching tv isn't interactive or relational, in the ways that those activities are, but I don't think there's proof that it's rotting their brains.  The author of that book basically says that if the alternative to watching tv is you yelling at your kid because you haven't had any time to yourself, then the tv is actually the better option. Clearly the content of the tv does matter. Shows that negatively portray women or relationships or whatever else, aren't great. But there are so many shows that have a positive message, teach kids about animals, etc. I think if your kids are spending 5 or 6 hours a day watching tv that's not actively harmful, their brains are not rotting. They are getting by, and they are doing what's easiest and most manageable for them and you right now, and that's the best thing. At least, this is what I'm telling myself. My kids are watching 4 hours of tv a day, and we have more flexibility than you! Our kids are resilient, and will get through this, even if you are at the end of your rope, and they are watching 6 or 8 hours of TV a day. I think you should tell yourself when your kids are watching TV that they're ok, you're giving them what they need right now, you're taking care of them by working really hard. And seriously, forget the online school. If you have energy to spend with your kids, read them a book or play a board game. Or watch tv with them. Don't waste any of your precious time or energy on school stuff that your kids are resistant to. Hang in there! We are all there with you! 

    Yes, it is ridiculously hard. You have added a whole extra full-time job, at least, to your workload. And you are doing it in sub-optimal conditions, with your kids bored and probably stressed-out by social isolation. And you are certainly stressed out by pretty much all of it. Don't worry about the dusting and vacuuming. I haven't dusted or vacuumed my house, and I have it much easier than you (working from home, but my one kid is a high-schooler and remote learning is work; imperfectly, but working). Let go of the guilt about screen time, too. I probably watched 5 or 6 hours of TV a day growing up and still managed to graduate from college and get a well-paying job.

    I sympathize. My childless coworkers are talking about instant pot recipes they are trying out, online games or how bored they are. My husband and I are currently at home with a preschooler and a first grader. We’re trying to work from home, play teacher and caretaker. I am not ashamed to say I had a breakdown a few weeks ago from the stress. Being cooped up at home with the kids was bringing up my postpartum depression memories and I broke.

    Afterwards I sorted out what would help me mentally. We ended up buying an ipad for the kids to help divert them. We did not have a device with a screen and camera that my 1st grader could use for his online classes besides my work computer. Not being able to do my work during these times compounded my stress. Now he could do some work, while I did mine. I also thankfully have a laptop so I’ve carried it outside while the kids are playing. Instead of working full time, I’m only working part-time now. 

    The kids are getting lots more screen time than we would have normally let them have. We are trying to be selective with what they watch though. I tend to let them have free screen time for some of the educational websites like mysteryscience.com or wideopenschool.com, or places with online field trips. For unrestricted ipad play, I set up a chore chart where they earn screen time based on chores (i.e. 5 minutes for cleaning up toys, 10 minutes for vacuuming). Even my preschooler is getting in on the action and will happily help put away clean laundry or other age appropriate tasks for 10 minutes of ipad time. It’s a bit of two birds, one stone action since some chores are getting done and the kids are occupied. Granted if my husband and I will both be stuck on long meetings or conference calls, we may let them watch a movie that will span that length of time.

    I’ve also let the kids Facetime or Zoom their friends. The conversations are completely random and can take them all over the house, but it will usually occupy them for an hour. If I’m friends with the parents, we’ll also sneak in a bit of fellow parent commiseration in as well.

    I wish you good luck. You are definitely not alone.

    I completely relate! I'm a single mom so things are a little different, but I also have two kids. I have a very demanding job that hasn't eased up and I am finding this whole situation completely impossible. I'm also burning the candle at both ends, yet still slipping behind. And feeling terrible about kids watching lots of tv and my older one playing video games. I can't oversee the older child's homework and he isn't really capable of doing it without oversight (still too young for that), so things are a disaster from just about every angle. I really really try to make sure we have some good moments and do a few family activities here and there in the evening or whenever we can, but then I worry that the short fuse I have the rest of the time overshadows it. I find myself repeatedly saying "I can't right now, I need to work!" or "Just wait, I'm trying to do something!" with too much frustration in my voice. I try to talk about what we are grateful for every night at dinner and generally try to put on a positive front for the kids, so in a way I think they are dealing and at least don't seem worried or stressed about the virus. But it's all so hard. I feel like the stress is killing me.  And I also can relate about wanting to scream when friends just don't get it. I feel like hardly anybody gets what I'm going through these days because most friends have jobs that are more forgiving or spouses that are able to help more. Hang in there. Thanks for sharing your experience because I also find myself feeling like I must be the only one struggling so hard with this and feel guilty for feeling so upset about it because of course I'm grateful to still have a job, food and a place to live. 

    This is a resource that I shared with my students' parents: If you could use a safe space to vent, get support, or some advice, call safeandsound.org’s 24/7 TALK line: 415‑441‑5437. 

    This is a huge struggle. We are two working parents with one toddler and one or both of us is working from 7:30am - 11:30pm or later (I even stayed up to 4am one night this week to create lessons for my students which allows me to be present for a few hours with the toddler during the day).We have 5x as much crying in our house now and loads more snuggles and I love yous. He's needed tons more comfort given the huge change in his schedule/life. I shower maybe twice a week - even basic self-care has completely gone out the window. Even some friends with kids don't understand as only one of them works. My mom tried insisting to me that I should be taking hour long yoga classes at home since I'm not bike commuting anymore. I told her she was bonkers. The only exercise I get is with my kid now - like "Monkey Yoga" https://youtu.be/E0RUN0e3ZGY

    One thing that is helping is we have different family members scheduled to virtually "babysit" the toddler for an hour each morning - they sing songs, read books, or just chat while he plays with toys. I've noticed an improvement in his night sleep since we started this two weeks ago. If you don't have family members who can do that, maybe you could schedule virtual playdates with friends. We did one with a friend but 2 years "talking" to each other needed too much help. Having him talk to an adult family member who is giving him undivided attention has been a lifeline for everyone involve. I even got my 85 year old grandma Facetiming with him for an hour each week.

    As a teacher, I am asking students who are struggling to just try to join our virtual class for the 30 minutes as seeing and talking with each other is most helpful. Forget the worksheets and load up the devices with educational games. Also, you could ask the teacher to call and talk to your child(ren) for a little while each week.

    Can you include them in cooking with you? Just have them on a chair next to you and talking or have them read you a book?

    This is insanity. Good job reaching out for support. Keep doing that and loving those kids.

    On Nextdoor, I have seen teens volunteering to provide childcare. Maybe you can put out a request for help. I was also surprised that my 9 year old wanted me to watch the online videos with her and check her work immediately after each page. After doing a few videos with her, she was comfortable doing it on her own. I had to explain to her that I couldn't check her work immediately and strongly doubted that her teachers so as well. I think there is often a drop off bin for classroom work? Anyways, kiddo wasn't pleased but is perhaps even less pleased when I have time to do the deep dive and ask her to explain and do more. Heh. Don't worry about Alexa. It is a novelty. My kids spent so much time with Alexa initially... Especially jokes and cat videos. Now it's just another tool that produces silly results sometimes. Don't worry, I know adults who rot their brains in front of the TV for hours and they seem fine. I played a ton of video games as a child too and this did not affect my career (if anything it helped me land a great job) so the research clearly doesn't have a broad enough base of test subjects when they post all their doom and gloom reports.

    Hi there! I debated several times whether I should reply without venting my homeschooling frustrations all over the place. To paint the picture...it takes me 4 hours to get my 2nd grader to finish a 4 sentence writing prompt that her teacher only schedules 30mins for in their daily itinerary. It’s too much, they’re just gonna have to repeat 2nd grade!!!
    It is so important that you know you are not alone, and please please do not feel guilty about anything! It’s strange times. 

    Hi, I'm so sorry! Sending a virtual hug and prompt for a deep cleansing breath your way! I'm in a much better situation than what you describe, and yet I definitely lose it sometimes. You are not alone!  I see some really nice posts here but had a few ideas I thought I'd share just in case they help. If they add stress or aren't on point, ignore!! :-)

    1. It sounds like you might be putting others ahead of yourself too much. For example, keeping your employees but giving yourself a 75% pay cut -- is there a way to do Furlough Fridays (effectively a 20% pay cut) so that you can keep the team and not ding yourself quite so much? Does your spouse help with the kids and the cooking, and is he also working until 1am? It's so awesome that you are trying to do so much, but others can potentially shoulder some load too. 

    2. Can your kids help? Sometime kids really like helping or contributing. Not sure yours' ages, but since you mention online class, I'll assume they are elementary school aged, though your younger sounds potentially pre-school or kindergarten. Can you have a family meeting and ask for what their ideas are to help? Or assign them making lunch for the family and cleaning up (it might be very basic, but hey, why not? my kindergartener can make toast or frozen waffles, wash produce, get out crackers, and pour juice and takes delight in making us breakfast all by himself on a weekend day. an older kid could probably make PB&J or heat up leftovers in the microwave and dole out onto plates)? Or maybe they can make a schedule that shows what they will do that day on their own, with their own ideas.

    3. Are there any online sites your school has provided that would be a compromise between lessons and pure TV if you're worried about the amount of TV? Our school gave us a login for Epic, a program that reads books to kids, and there are a few other programs that seem educational and so better than TV but also don't need adult supervision or help. 

    4. If you're both worried for your spouse's job, can he have an open conversation with his boss, something like, "This is a difficult time, I know, so I'm trying to put in more than 100%. I'd love your feedback on my performance and where I stand, and what I can do to be a top contributor." It might relieve some stress and also give information.

    I wish you all the best. We are all in this together. Thank you for your post.

    I'm the OP. Thank you all so very much for responding. It's so nice to know that I'm not alone.

    Kids are TK and 1st grade. The "distance learning" provided by OUSD which began only recently is extremely deficient. For example, the weekly math instruction we received this week was 2 links to 5 min. Youtube videos. After watching, kids said, "I like watching the video but I didn't learn anything." We are having to research the district curriculum, dig through materials and are teaching our kids while also trying to work full-time, cook all meals, strictly adhere to social distancing. (We have existing conditions that make us high risk.) Common Core is going out the window. We don't know Common Core and we're teaching our kids math the way we know how to do math. Kids get 30 min. of direct instruction with teachers via zoom per week. 30 min. per week!!! The 1st grader can read, although she prefers to be read to. TK kid does not read yet. Teachers keep sending us emails reminding us the importance of writing. As another poster said, it's sheer torture trying to get kids to write. I got my kid to write 4 sentences today. Woohoo! Yesterday, she wrote 5 words. We are mostly limiting screen time to educational TV but still it's a lot of TV. 1st grader does have zoom calls with friends 1 - 3 times a week. Last night, the 1st grader said, "Mommy, I haven't seen my friends in person for a really long time. I really miss playing with my friends." 

    Kids do help. They dry the dishes and the older one puts it away while I handle the delicate items myself. They also cook with me. They cut anything they can cut with a butter knife. They love pizza night, because it's delicious and they get to play with flour and make the dough. Kids also help set and clear the table and put away folded laundry. They like to garden and water the plants, when they feel like it.  I let them play with the water hose and wash the patio furniture. That was fun for them, although when I wasn't looking, they may have sprayed the wrong direction and sprayed over the fence into the neighbor's yard. (Sorry)

    The problem is it requires a lot of patience and supervision to allow kids to "help". Often, their helping makes things take twice as long or make more work. Yeah, pizza night is fun but there's a lot more mess to clean up afterwards. Kids attempt to clean up and I make them "clean up", but I end up cleaning again afterwards. 

    Hi - I totally feel you and I am so sorry this is happening to working parents with young kids right now. Someone passed this article on to me and while some ideas seems a little unrealistic, I thought maybe a few could be helpful to you? Hang in there. Big hug! https://happyyouhappyfamily.com/working-from-home-with-kids/

    Echoing others -- you are not alone! We've had better days and worse days with our 1st grader, both of us are working at home, grateful but still a nutty juggling act. Offering a few things that have worked for us:

    1. Fill up the cup. Kids know when their parent is not fully present, and IMHO they need enough of the parent's undivided attention to "fill up the cup" emotionally so they can then go off and be on their own. It doesn't even have to be for that long. If I try to fill up the cup when I am multitasking, I might as well not be doing it, completely ineffective. He is relentless until that need is met or there are tears/tantrums (that happens too). So --- when kiddo is melting down, or when I have 10-15 minutes between meetings, I'll do something with him that he wants to do where I am FULLY present. I just set parameters - "Mommy has 15 minutes free now! Want to do something together?" See if you are able to fill up the kids' cups, and see if they might be more independent for a little longer. When my son is adamant that he needs my help for something I know he can do, that's the cup signal! :) 

    2. We alternate who is "lead parent" each day, which doesn't mean that they are on the whole time; they are just the Go-To person for the kiddo that day. We see who has what critical calls that day, and schedule screen time or schedule around scheduled classes (PE is actually really fun), to cover times we are both busy, or we swap as needed. 

    3. The lead parent is responsible for figuring out the day's "schedule" with the kiddo in the AM (bunch of cards, a mix of 2-3 scheduled school sessions, different screentimes (choice, Magic Schoolbus, Minecraft time), I have 1-2 "special activity on your own" cards (which means no adult/screen) though that "schedule" does vary or some days falls apart and that's ok (hence air quotes). As others have said, give yourself a pass on any schooling. Your children will be fine. It's all about social-emotional now and maintaining our connection with each other as a family. 

    4. Give yourself a pass on cleaning and certainly cooking every night. What pressure could you take off yourself? Eating dinner out of cans and frozen food is perfectly acceptable, Mac n cheese multiple nights a week is OK too. PB&J or pancakes for dinner, quesadillas, go for EZ. I have let my nutritional standards fall, and he has ice cream almost every night (we never had regular dessert before), and why not, we all need some comfort. 

    I also like the ideas the other responders offered around taking some of the pressure off you (Furlough Friday) or your spouse (checking in with boss), or sitting down together to figure out worse case scenario and maybe that is not quite as scary as the Damocles' sword feeling currently. You will all get through this. We will all get through this. Sending you a big hug! 

    If trying to follow the curriculum is stressing you out, I'd recommend you stop trying to teach academics for awhile (I say this as a former elementary teacher). Your kids will be better off with a parent who is calm and in a relatively good mood -- anything they miss can be made up when this is over.

    You're not alone...

    Our house looks like a hovel, I can't keep up with cooking 3 meals a day +making snacks and all the accompanying dishes, or doing the laundry, or the vacuuming, or finding time to stand inline to grocery shop, or waking up after my kid goes to bed to online grocery shop and hope I can snag a delivery spot or pick up time. My partner has been job hunting and interviewing (and preparing for interviews), and these are not one and done interviews, these are multi-day, multi-hour marathons, and so far no bites just lots of stress. Oh, and I'm also growing vegetables in the side yard as we prepare for the apocalypse. 

    We also feel "fortunate" in that my boss is very understanding and as long as I can get my work done, he's not too concerned about when I do it. But there sure is a lot of sighing going on in my household. 

Archived Q&A and Reviews


Questions

Concerns about job offer where I'll be working at home

May 2012

Hi,

I am considering a new job that seems to be a good opportunity. The company is a large one with no local offices-so its a work at home position. I am a little concerned about going from a social office environment to working alone all day long. I currently have a long commute so eliminating this will be great but I am worried about the downside of building all relationships via phone and email. I have been with a company for 15 years and very used to interacting face-to-face and I seem to have a harder time when I have to pick up the phone and call someone vs just stopping by their office.

I don't think Ill have trouble with motivation since I get too stressed about open projects to relax too much. But Im concerned about the isolation and difficulty making all of my connections/building new relationships all over the phone and via email. For others who have made this choice, did it take a while to get used to? Is it much harder to build relationships and feel ''a part'' of the larger company? Any advice? Thank you


It sounds like one of the reasons you work is for the social interaction. Perhaps you might consider getting your social needs fulfilled outside of work. I've worked at home for years and find it peaceful. I walk my dog during the day and chat with neighbors from time to time. You might also go to the gym or do some other social activity during your lunch break or before or after work. Anon


Hi - I made the same transition about six years ago... Honestly, it was a little difficult at first, and it probably took a little longer to make relationships than it would have if I were in the office every day, but it was very doable. I don't know if you have this option, but I did travel to the headquarters fairly often the first several months, which made building relationships a little easier. All in all, though, I LOVE working from home and would select it over an office any day. Eliminating the commute is magical, I was so much more efficient and could get so much more done, and I just like being at him (don't know if you have children, but working from home is great in this situation). Some things that made the relationship building easier (outside of the HQ visits), being sure to CALL people as much as possible (so easy to just fall back to email these day) and also make the time to talk to them about non-work things, get on IM with as many people as possible, share photos and other non-work stuff over email... CA Mom


I made a similar transition a few years ago and it's been great. I am more productive during the day without office distractions and the commute time. It is harder to make connections with co-workers, but worth the trade off. I've still been able to make connections by phone with co-workers I speak to regularly in other states and countries, even though we've never met face to face. We email each other pictures of our kids, vacations, etc. and chat on our company IM system once in a while. If you can, I would recommend traveling to the office at least once every year or two, even at your own expense, just to meet people in person and have that face to face connection. Don't miss working in an office


I worked at a major company for 11 years -- the first part of that was partially virtual, meaning a local office with long-distance team members, but the last 5 years were almost completely virtual, working from home. First, the positive-- you would be amazed at the close relationships you can develop with people long-distance. A colleague used to say, ''I love my co-workers. Maybe some day I will meet them.'' These days there are so many collaborative tools, like web sharing and video, which helps. Also, the convenience of telecommuting is wonderful. If you have a structured job (which I did, and it sounds like you would), it is not a problem getting work done. Just have a dedicated workspace and treat it like going to the office. I also always had a way of putting my stuff away for the night, by covering my computer.

On the people front, it sounds like your company has no local offices-- which actually helps things in some ways. I found the toughest part of my job was when I worked with teams of people in a central hub and I was the only one on the phone. That said, it will be important to know what they do to keep people from feeling isolated. Is there any face time (such as occasional in-person meetings or video)? Do managers/team members have regularly scheduled time to talk/connect? It is important that the company culture supports the virtual workplace and supports keeping people from feeling isolated. I would suggest that at any rate, you carve out time for contacting team members and/or your boss on a regular basis just to ''say hi'' the way you would run into people at the coffee maker. It makes a big difference.

In the long run, there were a lot of positives to working remotely. There were also some down sides. When things went bad with my last boss, who was in another city, there was no good way to know what was going on or effectively be able to fix it. That led to my departure. I also definitely felt that opportunities were more limited for me as a virtual employee, as you don't make those expanded connections with other departments that lead to other things. I don't regret it for a second, in that it was a great opportunity to have a flexible schedule when my daughter was little -- I also did really enjoy a lot of working remotely and the people I ''met.'' Now that I am looking for a new job, though, I am looking to get back into being ''in person.'' Feel free to contact me off list if you want to talk further and best of luck!


I made the switch and while I love working from home it takes an adjustment if you are the kind of person (like myself) who likes the social aspect of work. Personally, I prefer a hybrid approach, where I have to go onsite every now and then for some face time, so with my main client, we meet every other week and work together.

In addition, I found an amazing Cowork group, CoWork Alameda, where we meet every Tuesday from 1-3 to work together. I call this my ''watercooler time.'' We all have different types of jobs, but we come together to swap tips, complain, socialize, and occasionally get work done. I usually do mindless/less critical work at this time (emails, follow up, etc). It has been a great way to feel less isolated.

I do pretty well with the remote relationships. Using skype with the camera or facetime helps too. Also, when I work from home, I dress fully (no pajamas) and the only thing I'll have on is NPR in the background, or no media/noise at all. I stay focused.

the other tip about working at home is making yourself disconnect. It's very easy to get caught up with a 24/7 on-call thing so I think you need to set your work hours up front and shut down when you are not at work. VERY IMPORTANT. Good luck and I wish I could find a gig like yours with more hours than what I currently have.

the world is my watercooler


I think it depends on your personality. My husband and I are both software engineers and we have opposite feelings about working at home. I love it, he hates it. I've worked at home for a few years, occasionally going in for in-person meetings. For about a year, my husband worked for an out-of-town company and he just started going crazy after a month of working at home. He preferred to take his laptop to the local cafe to work rather than sit at home. He missed being able to drop by a colleague's desk to discuss something and he missed the day-to-day social interactions. He said he felt isolated and lonely (even though I was working at home too!)  Now he only grudgingly works at home one day a week because I asked him to (where he works, most people have a day when they work at home.) 

I, on the other hand, love working at home.  I'm an introvert. I like that no people are dropping by my desk all the time to bug me or just say hi and interrupting my train of thought. I don't have to get up, get dressed, and pretty myself up. It's just me and the dog after the kids have gone to school. I like having a flexible schedule that I have control over. I like being able to listen to whatever music I want while I work, do a load of laundry in the middle of the day, go for a walk, be there for deliveries and repairmen, and be home when the kids get home from school.  I get a lot more work done in a quiet, people-free environment. I love it!


Husband working at home - need my space

Feb 2004

For the past 2 years, my husband has had his own company that's office is on our property. Our house is small, so when he comes in, we are all in the same area. I'd like suggestions on working out a schedule or system that works for both of us. It seems we are still struggling with the idea of separate time. I am a stay-at-home-Mom,but hate that term, as I'm certainly not at home all the time! I do,however, want to have some times at home that I can count on that are all-mine or mine with the kids. I am more productive that way too.

We've tried figuring out certain hours that he can't come in, but so often there are exceptions. And when the time is up, I know it bothers him/ is a hassel to have to call just to use the bathroom. And my kids have ever-changing schedules, so what works Monday, doesn't work Tuesday, or what works for one month doesn't work the next. And having hours that he can't come in is just so negative. Plus, he's doing what would normally be considered 3 jobs at work,typical for starting your own company, so he's already maxed.

The home-office idea turned out to be necessary longer than he thought. He does plan to get regular office space eventually, so short of installing a porta potty and creating a kitchenette, any ideas?

I know in my gut that we need more boundaries between work & home, but I don't know how to put it in place. Also, he could use a male support group, of men working from home, &/or other men who are entrepreneurs. His job is very solitary, and he could use some others to meet with, face to face and share their ups & downs. I know it's nice for me that I get to see a lot of other Moms at the schools and around town. Thanks for any ideas!

Need space


I don't know what your husband does, but could he do at least part of his work at a cafe or at the library? Many cafes offer wireless connections to the internet if that's what he needs. anon


I'm not getting what the problem is there. It sounds like you don't want to see your husband at all during the day, which sounds like a burden on both of you. To be gentle about it, I'd suggest you reconsider your motivation and find something that really works for both of you. I understand the desire for space and privacy, but telling your husband that he can't come in to use the bathroom seems extreme. And if you're going to disallow him use of the house or bathroom, then you should make it regular and predictable for him too. What's the real issue here? Quite frankly, I would love it if my husband worked at home and wanted to stop by and say hello. Most work at home folks work IN the home, so would have more boundary issues than you have. I'm guessing there's something else at! issue. (Is he sloppy? are you embarrassed about your activities? do you have other conflicts?) Most of us don't have full opportunities to stay at home, go out when we want to, schedule lots of things with the kids, AND demand full privacy whenever we want. Maybe you should plan more time away from home with the kids so you can get your privacy, then schedule an hour or two on a regular basis, or schedule it at the beginning of the week, so you can have some privacy. good luck

Is it realistic to plan to work at home one day a week?

2001

We're first time parents and our son is due in March. We're trying to figure out our work options. One option is for each of us to work at home one day per week. How realistic is it to think we can get work done from home with a newborn around? Lisa


I'm self-employed and I worked at home when both of my children were newborns--up until they were three months, when they went into part-time childcare. Whether or not you can do the same depends a lot on how well the baby sleeps, which varies from newborn to newborn. But I managed to get in about four hours a day during their naps and I felt really good about being able to continue working while being home with my little ones. I do know, however, that some parents don't like working during those early months because they want to be able to relax (or even sleep!) while the babies are snoozing. Susan


Forget about the diapers and the 2:00 feedings! For me, trying to balance working from home and watching my child at the same time was the most difficult part of raising a baby so far. This is a really tricky thing to forecast before your child is born. I have a job where my office is in my home and I go out to see clients a few days a week in their offices. I took off four months after my child was born and planned to work from home largely when I returned. I had heard that newborns sleep up to 14 hours a day and envisioned myself working happily and productively at home, occasionally beaming down lovingly at the infant asleep in a basket next to my desk. The reality was that even as a newborn, my son slept great at night but only took two 30-45-minute naps during the day for the first year of his life. And he wanted to nurse every two hours because he doubled his size in the first four months of his life, and kept growing at a similar rate. I needed to be on the phone with clients and although keeping my son in the room with me was ok in terms of his safety and mobility as a newborn, it wasn't always feasible to have a professional conversation even when he was sleeping, because newborns can be fitful sleepers and wake up howling from gas pains or bad dreams etc. This dramatic interruption happened enough times to be very embarrassing and disruptive for me, even though the clients were very understanding. (Of course, my friend has a baby who slept 4-6 hours during the day and was on a more regular 4 hour feeding schedule, so it wouldn't have been a problem for her.) Between nursing and crying getting my work done was incredibly difficult and very stressful, even though I am largely self-directed and no one was putting any outside pressure on me about my performance.

My employers and my family were very flexible and understanding. I went from full to part time, reshuffling my responsibilites from five days a week into three days a week, and my husband (opposed to daycare) was able to actually take our son into work with him two days a week (he works for a family business) from about 4 mos of age until about 7 months. Once my son could crawl though, there was no keeping him at the office in an exersaucer or a playpen. It just was not enough stimulation for him and he became very difficult in that setting. Again, different children have different temperaments; some children love their playpens, and my son IS extremely active. For the past nine months I have been fortunate enough to have my sister take care of my son on a part time basis, with her own daughter who is a year and a half older. My son has loved being around his cousin and learned a lot from her and has clearly not suffered being away from me part time. However, I still need more hours in the home office and it has become more and more of a struggle for me to work at all when he is here as he has become more active and able to get himself into situations where he can get hurt if he is not constantly and closely supervised. Having an infant or toddler around means a high probability of being constantly interrupted, as you probably know if you have ever even tried to have a phone conversation with a person with a small child. The sort of work that you do will determine if this will work for you or not. I have a lot of freedom in my job and with my company, but it has even been too much for me, and I am leaving the workforce at the end of this year after struggling through for 16 months, because my sister is going back to school.

One really good alternative that I have heard from other moms who work at home is to hire someone to watch your child for you in another part of your home while you are there. That way you can check in/nurse, etc. easily, but have someone else to take the pressure off of you when you need to focus. You don't want to add the emotional fuel of work related frustration and stress to the already potent combo of post-natal hormones and sleep deprivation. A few women I know have a helper or nanny come in just mornings so they can do what they really need to accomplish without interruptions, and then they take over in the afternoons. A lot of tasks can be done with your infant, such as errands to Fed Ex, Office Depot, bank etc etc. I loved my job and I love being with my son, so I managed to get through it for a long time, and I don't really regret the extra energy it required of me. The time when you have your child before they go to school etc is short and very finite, so if you can be flexible and have both at no cost to your child and a manageable cost to yourself, it is definitely worth trying as many ideas as you can come up with. Good luck! I hope you get a sleeper! cheryl


This is very hard to do, because newborns need constant care. It's very hard to focus on a task when you are constantly being interrupted to care for an infant. The only way to have any hope of success is to have someone be a designated sitter and that person does only child care, nothing else, for the duration. Jennifer


whether you can realistically expect to work at home depends on both you and the newborn, and the nature of your work. When my baby was two months old, I did manage to do a fair amount of work at home. But I had a single defined project (writing an appellate brief on one case, where most of the research was supplied to me by someone else), and a very mellow baby who took long naps, and I was very motivated to do it (unusual for me - normally I'm very distractable). And - I only did it for one month! Can you handle distractions - change a diaper, nurse, walk around for twenty minutes, and then go right back to work where you left off? Can you ignore the temptation to take a nap or clean the kitchen if your baby naps for four hours? Can your work accommodate being squeezed into whatever time you have available? And - the great unknown - will your baby take naps, by him or herself, or will you have the kind of baby who takes 20 minute naps, wants to be held and cries a lot otherwise? My advice is, give it a try, but don't count on it (i.e., have a backup plan if it doesn't work out). Fran


You ask how realistic it is to work at home with a newborn? Depends on many things: when you plan to start back to work, what kind of work you do, and what temperament your child has, to name a few.

First off, don't expect to do much of anything during at least the first 4-6 weeks of your baby's life. You'll be desperately short of sleep and your head will be spinning with all the adjustments you need to make.

After that, IF your baby has a good temperament (sleeps easily, no colic), you may be able to work for short stretches at a time, interrupted by a lot of feeding and diaper changing sessions. From the time my son (who is very good-natured) was about 6 weeks to the time he was 3 months, I was able to answer emails, prepare conference presentations, and other computer-related things with him on a nursing pillow in my lap, or for short stretches in a gymini or under a mobile on the floor of my office, and while he slept.

He's now 5 months, and it's getting harder. My husband is working at home one day, and I'm working at home (part time) 2 days a week, but we don't always get much done. The baby's sleeping less, and he's more demanding when he's awake (he very much wants to play interactively, he's reaching out for the keyboard when he's in my lap, etc.). It may get easier when he's older -- he's at a very frustrating phase of development, where he can't quite sit up independently or crawl, but he's aware that these are possibilities, and trying very hard to make them happen, without a lot of success (and with a lot of frustrated wailing). We're continuing as is for now, but I'm thinking of hiring a mother's helper -- a teenage babysitter to come and entertain the baby for a few hours in the afternoon/early evening of my days at home, to enable me to get a bit more done.

One other thing: I wouldn't have missed my days at home with him for the world, even if my work productivity has suffered a bit. Good luck! Karen


I did that a few days a week, until we had full-time childcare for my son around the age of 4 months. Unless we had a babysitter during the time I was working, I could not get an honest day's work done. But my son was a cat-napper: he never took long naps so I never had a long period without interruptions. You might try it out with your baby while on maternity leave and see how it goes. Fran


Depends on the baby, depends on what kind of work you do... I'm a grad student. I had a baby who needed to be held or in the sling most of the time. She hardly ever lay down for naps. I could read and (to a lesser extent) work on the computer, but talking on the phone would often wake her. She also didn't nap for long stretches, so I had to work sporadically, because she wasn't content to be still when she was awake. But I could sometimes nurse and read at the same time too... Hope that helps. Ilana


It was my fantasy to work at home, with my newborn at my side in a basket. It lasted 2 weeks (until she was 4 weeks old). The baby, who was not a difficult infant, moved alot, wanted cuddles (or maybe I wanted to offer them), and her schedule and my exhaustion made it too hard to pay attention to work and baby.

In retrospect, I wish I hadn't tried to work when my baby was so little, and had enjoyed more of the baby time and sleep time when it was available.

I'd recommend planning for some time, at least, when someone else can watch the baby (even if she's sleeping), so you can focus a bit and do some work. Good luck.


My baby is seven months old and I am now working fulltime, 2-3 days from home, but I have a babysitter here on those days. For the first three months after he was born, I had planned to reduce my work schedule to 10 hours a week, thinking I could do a subset of my work, such as answering email and fixing small bugs. I am a computer programmer for a research project, so all my work can be done at home and there is not much pressure with deadlines and releases as with an industry job. So I thought 10 hours would be just enough to keep the basics running for my job, and that I could easily fit it in when the baby was sleeping. This was my third child so I figured I knew what I was doing. Ha. It turned out that I was only able to get about 4 hours a week of work done. (But I am very efficient so it may have seemed like 10 hrs/wk to my boss!) It was mostly at night when my husband was home and the baby went to bed for his first stretch of nighttime sleep. I soon realized I needed a babysitter even for short tasks like reading email everday.

I have a very mellow baby, but those early days were filled with long stretches of feeding and rocking him, and many short naps. It was too hard to start working on a problem, get interrupted, and try to pick it back up hours (or days) later. Even if my Mom came over and I had an hour or two at a time, I found I was very low on energy from waking up too early and staying up too late and didn't have the focus or the desire to work on the computer. I also found that I was using spare time during the day to be with friends and family, in person and on the phone, partly sharing the happiness of the new baby but also because I was feeling lonely being at home all day without adult company.

I know it can be done because a couple we know who are both engineers are each working half time at home in shifts and doing it without a babysitter. But in my case, it did not work out at all! Ginger


With my baby it was absolutely impossible. I know it is hard to imagine, and I don't want to make it sound like you won't be able to do things that are important to you. It all depends on what your baby is like. My little guy was colicky into his fourth month, which meant we were constantly walking, bouncing, driving, and rocking him. He didn't sleep much, not nearly average. Many days one half-hour nap was all he slept, and boy, I tried to sleep then too. If I got my teeth brushed once a day, it was an accomplishment. Kim


I did freelance writing at home for a number of months, five of those months after my baby was born. Before he was born, I mistakenly thought I could continue work without a hitch. You didn't say what kind of work you and your husband would be doing at home, but one day out of the week sounds more doable than trying to work full time. My work had deadlines, so I managed to have my mom stay with us for the two weeks I had a lot of work. When my mom couldn't stay with us and I tried to do the work anyway, it was really tough. I had to be on the phone a lot, interviewing people, and had to schedule them while my son took his nap in his swing. At one point, I even did a phone interview while nursing (when I knew he'd be quiet). Otherwise, I did a lot of reading and writing while he was nursing and sleeping, and at some point managed to work on the computer while he slept in a baby sling. When my mom could no longer help us out and I still tried to work at home and take care of him, I nearly lost my mind. We finally did the sensible thing and found a day care provider. One final note, when I could hear him cry and my mom try to comfort him downstairs, it was extremely difficult to concentrate on my interviews and writing. Many days I couldn't get any work done when it was just me and my son, and I had to stay up late to catch up. It's a reality check, but I hope you and your husband are able to do it. Patty


I worked part of the time at home when I went back to my job when my son was 6 months old. What worked for me was having my 13-year-old cousin watch my child while I was in the other room 2-to 3 hours per day. That way I had dedicated time to make phone calls and do other tasks uninterrupted. (Nap time gives you time, too, but they're not predictable.) It worked for me because 1) I could do a lot of work by email ; 2) my job is quantifiable, so I could show that I was keeping up with the work load; 3) I have a great boss; 4) I could do work after hours after my son was asleep for the night. So, it can be realistic depending on the type of work that you do. If it is a lot of phone calling, forget it. But if you can be interrupted a lot and can finish up after hours, it can work. Helena


This may not help you much, but in my experience, it all depends on the baby. We have three kids, and I tried working from home when each of them was a newborn. It worked beautifully with one, but not well with the other two. It was, I think, a matter of individual temperament and sleep habits and not a function of birth order or my attitude or experience as a parent. It just so happened that my third baby slept many more hours a day than his older siblings, so I was able work effectively at home just as long as the older ones were at school or child care. Ricki


I had fantasies of working at home with my newborn. I quickly found that they were just that, fantasies. Taking care of a newborn is indeed a full time job. The lovelies need to be fed, rocked, or changed, seemingly every 15 minutes. And when they do sleep, you'll probably need to too. If misfortune has frowned on you and you are already an insomniac, you could possibly work at three hour stretches at night. It is also conceivable that if fortune smiles ever-so broadly on you and gives you a rare easy-going low maintenance baby, you could begin getting very minimal amounts of work done at 2 months. But when I consider the 20 babies in my mother's groups, I notice very few (1) who would afford you the time to even finish a phone conversation in the early months. My mother's groups agreed that if the newborn's primary caretaker got time to brush his/her teeth that was indeed a very good day! Our culture perpetuates a burden on parents when we maintain the myth that they can work and caretake at the same moment. My advice is to go slow on yourself and your babe, especially early on... if you have a day off work to be with him/her, do just that, be with him/her. Cuddle and coo but don't push a cursor. (What kind of work do you do? Loosely scheduled errands and lunches are all that might be possible.) If you must work while at home, you will most likely need a second person to help care for the babe--a grandparent or part time sitter. Of course as they grow, you do gain minimal time and personal freedom, especially if you actively teach them age-apropriate independence each step of the way. But still, until they are at least 8 months old, I wouldn't encourage you to even consider the ability to get serious work done. Newborns are helpless--you are their hands, legs, mirror, etc., etc.-- until they have basic motor control it's not nice to divide your time. Remember that many animals rely on others in their pack to hunt for them and their babes until the babes are old enough to at least play at hunting themselves. I do, however, strongly believe that resuming some kind of work as soon as you can (hopefully after at least 2 months w/ the child) is very good for your self esteem. It is also excellent that you and your spouse are planning on sharing as much as you can. FYI, my child is 16 months old. I am only now able to complete a project in his presence and it takes much more multitasking than I've ever imagined possible. Enjoy you new little one! Donna


I work at home, and started up again 8 days after my son's birth. In general, the first 3 months are the easiest, because your baby will sleep many hours. After that, I found it necessary to have a nanny at home to play with the baby. I have had great luck finding good nannies, and appreciate having their help with household tasks while the baby naps. During the first three months, I could work with the baby in a sling, but I must admit that it was difficult to get much done with nursing and diaper changes when the baby was awake. Some babies will hand out in a car seat or something when they are very young. Mine wouldn't -- my husband was also at home for the first few months, and were able to trade off many duties. Good luck to you! --Elisabeth


Working at home is a great option for new parents, **IF** you have childcare in your home while you are working. It's not clear from your post, but I'm afraid you may be considering working from home one day a week so that you can care for your son at the same time. If that's the case, I'd have to say that you are nurturing a total fantasy!

Working at home works beautifully if the following circumstances are met: a) Someone other than the working parent is on duty as a childcare provider b) Your home offers a private workspace, with a door that shuts securely c) The working parent can get used to not dashing out of the workspace to see what's going on any time his or her child cries.

That said, I work at home three days a week, and my husband telecommutes from home on the other two days. During my three workdays, we have a sitter; on my husbands two at-home workdays, I take care of our daughter. Since my husband and I each have our shared office to ourselves on our at-home work days, we can be very productive. If you're nursing your newborn, working from home will be heaven compared to dashing to the company bathroom to pump every few hours. Darcy