Helping Teens Cope with Covid Stay-at-Home
Parent Q&A
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Remote learning and too much homework
–Feb 2, 2021Hello! My daughter attends Albany High and, like everyone else around here, we've been in remote learning since March. Although it got off to a rocky start, I have generally been pleased with with the amount and level of instruction since the fall and my daughter had been doing quite well with things until recently. Since around December, we have noticed a substantial increase in homework, At first, we attributed this to the normal end of semester rush to finish first semester topics, but since returning in January and even now after semester finals, it has only gotten worse. A lot worse. I can't remember the last time my daughter has gotten more than 6 hours of sleep because she is being overloaded with homework (Note: she is in all "regular" classes - no honors or APs for which one might expect a more substantial workload). She is getting burned out quickly, to the point where, although she had adapted to the online platform, she is getting ready to "check out" of he classes entirely. It is not an issue with the difficulty of her classes - she understands and keeps up easily with the material. It is just too much homework. I am particularly frustrated because one of her teachers even explicitly said, "I have to keep you kids busy" while assigning work. Aside from the fact that it is not a teacher's job "to keep kids busy," as I said, it's gotten to the point that she is regularly up way after midnight doing work and it is taking a very bad toll on her, mentally and physically.
Has anyone else noticed this tendency to overcompensate for remote learning by assigning additional (or, in our case, excessive) homework? If so, how are you dealing with it? We are at about our breaking point, unfortunately, and it's not even February. Would love to hear from others about their experiences.
Feb 2, 2021Teen daughter doesn't want to be around us - is this normal?
–Jan 27, 2021It is normal - right? - to hear your 16 year old girl say things like “everyone else is best friends with their mom” when complaining that she can’t stand to be around her parents during the pandemic. You’re not really all best friends with your teen girls? She is an only child and says she has spent 16 years waiting to get away from us. That one I *do* know is an exaggeration because pre-pandemic she was a pretty happy, social, and engaged kid.
I am trying to tell myself that were we not in a pandemic, this is exactly when she would have been separating from us and seeing everything we do as wrong. And it just so happens that because of the pandemic she is isolated with very little positive in her life — so it makes her skin crawl to be around us at this point. I see intellectually that if it weren’t for the pandemic we would probably still be struggling but it might have been balanced with positive peer interactions that make us not seem so bad.
Others have gone through this - right? - and eventually regained a relationship with their young adult kids?
Jan 27, 2021How to parent risk-taking teen activist during Covid
–Dec 1, 2020My 16.5 yo daughter is passionately active in the protest community. Since May 30th she has dressed in bloc and participated in sometimes dangerous marches. Starting this fall she has found solidarity with a group that gathers nightly (outdoors and with masks, so she says), despite Covid. She can't say in advance when she will be home/ready for pick up and prioritizes her activism over school and family. Last night she returned at 4am! Her father and I are at our wit's end. On the advice of a counselor, we recently started treating her like an adult who still lives at home, but we feel powerless in the face of her cavalier attitude toward her personal safety, risk of arrest, and the steep decline in grades. On the other hand, she is good company at home, engages in spirited debates about her political views, is kind to her younger sister and helps out around the house when asked. Is anyone else going through this as a parent?
Dec 1, 2020What’s happening with college admissions?
–Nov 16, 2020Hello,
My son is a junior. His grades are currently all over the map— online learning is not ideal. He gets pretty decent grades but has skipped to Bs and Cs. He wants to get into a UC school but it’s not looking likely. Can anyone give a definitive answer as to what UC schools are asking for in terms of admissions during COVID? I’m not getting straight answers from admissions counselors as no one seems to know. The SAT is optional, grades are all over the place, clubs are difficult or not meeting, and extracurriculars are lacking. Kids are having a hard enough time with this pandemic—- so what do colleges want?
Nov 16, 2020Hi, I'm guessing there's been alot of dialogue on this topic but I'm putting it out there. My 16 year old daughter is very responsible, gets her school work done, her chores (which are fairly minimal). Before the pandemic, I had a pretty strict rule that devices couldn't be in the bedroom at night, but that's gone out the window and with school online and less to do, the screen time is all the time. And I'm exhausted and feeling at a loss about what limitations I can and should put in place, since I know this isn't good for her brain or emotional health. I never allow devices at meal time but that's like 15 or 20 minutes out of our day. I get that this is an unusual moment in time, but I feel like I should be doing more to pull her out of the screen at least a little more than I am.
Nov 1, 2020socially distant activities for teen
–Sep 28, 2020Our 14 year old son has been really suffering from the social isolation of COVID combined with already-existing mild social difficulties, and recent crises with depression and anxiety. He loves drama/theatre, biking, gardening, making music (makes beats, plays guitar & piano) and talking politics. He does not want more "virtual" connection in his life and we're looking for socially distant activities with other teens close to Berkeley that would give him some form of social connection. Any ideas? Thanks.
Sep 28, 2020Teenager not engaging in virtual schooling
–Sep 11, 202015 year old sophomore is not engaging in virtual schooling. Since the beginning of the pandemic his academic performance declined, I receive calls from the school about his absence from all classes. His mom and I addressed the importance of an education, and two weeks ago had a successful meeting with the counselor and principal. He reports "virtual school is boring". He is not motivated to do any work and to engage in classes. I have talk to him about the benefits of an education and always try to understand his feeling and approach to this new method of attending school. Every time we address his lack of participation in school, he only listens but does not make any effort to change. My 15 year old foster fantasies of having a job, opening his own business for auto shop. He wants to have a driver's license and save money to buy a car. However, his dreams do not connect with the reality and the tasks he needs to complete in order to achieve the goals. Sometimes I doubt my parenting skills. When this pandemic is over I will consider independent studies, however because his lack of motivation in virtual education - independent might not be the solution - I don't know.
Is this a normal phase of teenagers at age 15? How did other parents cope with similar situations?
thanks in advance for the advice and support.
Sep 11, 2020Therapist for young teen
–Aug 22, 2020My 15 year old son is struggling. The isolation and loneliness of the pandemic was bad enough, but then he suffered an injury a couple of months ago that is greatly limiting his activities until this fall. His 2 closest friends have gradually stopped spending time with him and are just hanging out together. He is heartbroken and incredibly lonely. He is usually a happy and upbeat person, very high energy and social. But months of pandemic, lack of sports and friends, being excluded because he physically can’t do many activities right now - is really causing significant emotional pain. I am truly concerned about the next few months - none of these background issues are going to disappear quickly. I think he most needs a chance with new friends, but how can I make that happen? I have tried to reconnect him with his old friends but very unfortunately this is barely working. There are other background stresses too. He acts sad all the time now, or angry and irritable. I know he’s 15 but I’m worried. I’ll take any advice, but I’d most like recommendations for a therapist who works with teens and is within maybe 30 mins from the Rockridge area if possible. Thank you.
Aug 22, 202016yo son’s habits are driving me crazy!
–Aug 10, 2020I could use some practical advice to influence my son’s increasingly unproductive habits. Since SIP, he sleeps/ wakes up later and later. And when he is awake he is sooooooo lazzzzyyyyyyy! He’s 16 and strong-willed, so forcing him to get up and be productive is a recipe for disaster. Can I do it? Yes, and I have. Took his phone (I still take it overnight), gave him extra chores to “drive” productivity, etc. But it was miserable all the time and our relationship was breaking down — hasn’t actually fully recovered from that period of ongoing conflict and anger.
A typical day:- He wakes up at 1 or 2 pm. I laugh at the days I was so dismayed that he would sleep till noon!
- Attends whatever he’s forced to wake up for — we have him set up for enrichment and volunteer stuff that he selected. An hour and a half MAX. If the appointment starts earlier he’ll most certainly go back to bed.
- Eats, gets on his phone — usually in a supine position — for a few HOURS, and sometimes actually goes back to bed to “rest” (from what????!!!!!!!!!)- Practices basketball for an hour and a half between ~6-8
- Eats dinner
- More screen coma
- I take his phone at midnight. No screens in his room overnight. That’s our rule since forever. On the rare occasion I forget to take it he can stay up til 4 AM
- He still stays up until at least 2 AM, which of course guarantees he won’t wake up till 1 or 2 pm the next day: showering, applying his face routine (he’s obsessed with managing his acne), sometimes does exercises which of course keeps him revved up — essentially doing all the things he should be doing during the day.
- Sleeps for 12 hours. 12 HOURS!!!I am acutely aware that his habits might trigger me more than most because I am a classic Type A. However, this routine can’t be a good thing right? I feel like he’s living half a life and it kills me to watch. I’ve asked if he’s depressed and he’s made it quite clear that the ONLY thing that makes him feel bad is when I judge his choice to exist like this. We’ve discussed all the different opportunities that open up through the simple act of being awake when the rest of the world is active. It’s exhausting and frankly just disappointing to watch him waste his youth and energy. More than anything I’m very worried that these habits might take root in such a way that influences his lifestyle in the long term. Such a lethargic way of existing rarely leads to contentment, right?
Aug 10, 2020Social distancing tween boy birthday party
–Jun 30, 2020I have a boy turning 12 this summer and we're trying to think of ideas for a birthday party in late August/early September. We may all be back in school and mingling by then, but we want to have some ideas if we or other parents aren't comfortable shucking social distancing yet. He wants to have a sleepover with 4 friends, but there's only so much distancing you can do with 5 tweens in one room. We'd like to have a list of options with a range of likely contact levels to pose to parents. So far, I have some outdoor activity ideas that lend well for distancing (kayaking, horseback riding, nerf battles, paintball, go karts), and some no contact with the help of Zoom (movie watch party, playing the same video game together, outdoor scavenger hunt). With the no contact ones we'd deliver maybe pizza and cake to each family so the boys can still eat "together". Can anyone else help with more ideas that a 12 year old would find cool enough? Typically we've been able to throw great and memorable parties for around a $100 budget, so nothing too grand, though we realize we may have to be more flexible this year.
Jun 30, 2020Blended family teen pandemic hell
–Jun 15, 2020There are so many intertwining pieces of this that it's hard to describe it all. Mainly I guess I am seeking commiseration with others whose teens are not getting along with their stepparents during this pandemic. Things have gotten challenging enough that it is threatening my marriage. My spouse has been in my daughter's life for about a decade. My daughter is now 16. She spends 1/2 her time at her other parent's house. In general my spouse has, for those ten years, been more of the disciplinarian. For about the past year she and my daughter have had a lot of conflicts. I think it is natural that the person who is more of the disciplinarian will become more of the target. Now my daughter has decided that she doesn't want my spouse to be considered a parent at all anymore. She is "triangulating." What makes it more difficult is that I have looked to my spouse for support in laying down the law. Left to my own devices I would be a looser parent. So, my spouse and I also have conflicts in our parenting style. And, the pandemic makes it all SO much worse. My daughter told me last night that she has been absolutely miserable for 3 months. She says she is the only one of her friends who is this alone - because all of her other friends either get along with their parents or have siblings or both. She also said it was better at her other parent's house. Basically she said it is the pits with me and my spouse.
My spouse and I are in therapy, thankfully. Our next session can't come soon enough! I am also thinking of getting my daughter into therapy. I guess bottom line I'm seeking advice from folks who faced a situation where the stepparent was more of the disciplinarian, and then the kid made the stepparent the target and started arguing "she's not my real parent." Also advice from people who have different parenting styles from their spouse.
I am thinking the best thing to do is to tell my spouse to lay off parenting *completely* and to work on accepting my parenting style. Easier said than done. I just know that this method is not working. Thanks for any thoughts.
Jun 15, 2020Young adult wants to continue dating during pandemic
–May 25, 2020Hello,
Wondering if anyone has experienced trying to explain to a young adult (21) that dating (at least in person, unless in distanced, outdoor context) can't happen while the pandemic rages. I've used science-based explanations, and told my daughter, who lives with us, that I am over 60, and her dad, over 65. She has had front yard, distanced get togethers with her boyfriend over the last 2 months, but reaches the point where she wants him to spend the night, and screams that she can't take it anymore. I tell her, I know, it's really hard. We're all struggling with the restrictions, but until there is reliable, available, accurate testing and/or vaccine, intimacy is off the table. This holds for a couple weeks until the next outburst, usually timed with a get together planned in the front yard with the boyfriend. Either the boyfriend or she are pushing to be able to spend the night together (here); when I push back and insist that she respect that the "family bubble" needs to stay intact, and tell her the estimated timeline for a vaccine, she loses it, and screams. From what I know about the boyfriend, he is not completely following the law (in other respects) and is not well educated, and doesn't listen to reasoned, evidence-based arguments. But up to this point, he seems to have respected the limits that she has set regarding social distancing. But then again, I still think there is pressure coming from him. I've sent her links to articles, asked her not to scream, or make me the enemy. She has a therapist, and takes low dose of Wellbutrin. She is transferring from community college to a UC (deferring until classes are in person) and is well-directed, and a hard worker, but I'm afraid that eventually, he will sneak into our house at night. Please help with any tips you can, knowing that I have set limits and shared information, and tried being a friend to my kid during this difficult time.
May 25, 2020
YES, absolutely seeing this for my poor 7th grader at Albany Middle School. The district has chosen to fill the required state hours of school with "asynchronous learning" - the teachers just assign a ton of material with no understanding of how long it will take, and at least my child's teachers NEVER say, stop after one hour. I think Albany is not doing great with remote learning, tbh. Overemphasis on quantity not quality.
YES! I have two high schoolers at BHS and they are feeling this. I think it's even worse because it ALL feels like homework. With in-person learning, they might spend an hour or two at home doing work, now they are sitting on that bed/desk staring at that computer for hours as class time and homework time merge together. No advice, just commiseration.
Most students are struggling with Virtual Learning, It could be difficulty understanding the academic material, challenges with screen learning to missing the in class interaction with teachers and peers for support. My son is completely disengage from school and is very hard for me to watch him fail. We have done everything in our powers to provide help, support, meetings with teachers.
Those students doing well are not doing so well - However these students have found a way to cope with distance learning and have learn the task of using wikipedia and google to complete their task - yes they also engage in class interaction with is important. I will pay attention no other issues are affecting her grades and participation in school.
We are experiencing hard times and for students returning to in classroom learning will be the ultimate goal for academic success.
My child is not yet in high school, so I'm not seeing this at home, but I do teach at the university level and have seen some similar things, both within my own classroom and as reported by my students about other people's classrooms. I'd like to suggest that it's probably more complex than teachers simply piling on more homework. Some may in fact be doing this, but I think it’s also a byproduct of the move to online instruction. In a face-to-face teaching environment, there’s room for a lot of activities happen in the classroom moment. Without that, teachers find themselves forced to move it into activities that become homework, and both teachers and students radically underestimate the amount of time it take to do these things. For example, classroom discussions are extremely difficult to do well via Zoom, so instructors often move them into online discussion forums. Students are regularly required to participate, as syllabi often have a minimum number and quality of posts. This takes time, often way more than it should. In a face-to-face teaching environment, instructors can often assess learning directly and they know that the sheer necessity of coming to class every day can be enough to keep students on track with their studying and reading. Without it, they feel compelled to use multiple assignments to help students keep up and stay on track, and to give themselves something to take the place of the on the spot assessment that happens in the regular classroom. Long story short, I don’t think you’re necessarily wrong but I would suggest that the issue is probably more complicated than it seems. You might find this article informative, as it directly addresses this issue. It’s aimed at university level instruction, but I think at least some of it applies to high school students and instructors: https://cat.wfu.edu/2021/01/the-workload-dilemma/?fbclid=IwAR2gOk4u1B-k9umte8fmR18JTi2gYDeZ7YLsW3TJE1mwE0y9Zq67KBF_H2U