Kids Disapprove of Parent's New Relationship

My pre-teens disapprove of the wonderful man I'm seeing

Oct 2007

So, I have been seeing a wonderful man for about 18 months. I am divorced and had had been separated for about 7 years prior to my relationship with my boyfriend. I had never dated or seen anyone else during this time. My relationship with my friend is loving, close, real, and may lead to marriage. My two sons, ages 12 and 10, tolerate my friend but have a much harder time when we spend time as a ''blended'' family with his three children, who are 5, 10, and 13. We have gone on two or three vacations together en famille, and although during the holiday we have all had fun, after the fact my children complain bitterly about his kids, about not ever having vacations with just ''us'', etc. etc. And last wek they asked if we were going to get married, and made it very clear just how unhappy they would be if that happened. My question: How do I deal with this? I love my children, they are my utmost priority. However, I love my friend too, and do not want that part of my life to end. My children's father does not live in the same state as we do, but I do my best to keep communication open and amicable between our children and him. How do I reconcile continuing a loving, long term relationship with a wonderful man (who is quite fond of my children, as I am of his) with my children's disapproval? anonymous 

You must be very happy to have found love again in your life. It's a great feeling. The same happened to me, my husband and I fell in love when my daughter was 9 - I, too, had been divorced and alone for many years.

My experience was that at first, my daughter and husband got along very well. He was the dad she never had. He tried to woo her. When the ''honeymoon'' was over, things went from bad to worse. If I had to do it over again, I would have sought family counseling and I highly recommend it for you and your family. You are going into this with 3 pre-adolescent children - the teens are a tough time even under the best circumstances - your children are already expressing some concerns about your future - a good family therapist can help you to help them. Sometimes just acknowledging their feelings does a lot, but we need help to learn how to do that. Good luck to you. My daughter is 25 and still estranged from my husband. It was a high price to pay for ''love'' and could have been avoided with planning. anon

Unfortunately, this is a very difficult situation. You are obviously very caring and are trying to do the best for your children. I am an adult who's parents were separated when I was 3 and divorced when I was 5. My dad remarried when I was 8. I never stopped hoping that my mother and father would 'get back together'. Regardless of how many blended families there are, children always want their parents together. I suggest doing things alone with your sons, like a fun day on the weekend but also maintain the outings with your boyfriend's children. On a vacation, maybe do something with your boys one afternoon so the whole trip is not spent with the other children. Talk to your boys too. Ask specifically what they don't like Make them be mature about it. Don't accept responses like, 'he smells' or 'she's mean to me'. Ask them to be honest. Also tell them that you understand their fears. Change is frightening and they may want to know where they will live, will they live with those kids and see them all the time, etc. Also make sure they spend time with your boyfriend without his kids too so they can see him for the man he is. THey won't like him initially but he can win them over but not by catering to them. He should be understanding and fun without being a pushover. You should enforce discipline when necessary and not allow the boyfriend to do that (he can wait until you get engaged if you do). Make them show him and his children respect as you expect them to show respect to all people.

Good luck and remember, you can't be good to your children if you are not good to yourself. You need to be happy for them to be happy. Child of divorce

It is not up to your children to ''approve'' of your choices, and you are giving them an inappropriate amount of power if that's what you're seeking. They're kids and they're going through all sorts of growing pangs- that's all there is to it. Anon 

As a single, full custody mom of two kids, I can say that I feel for you and your situation. It does feel impossible to join families and have everyone ok with it.

I remarried when my kids were 11 and 13. His kids were 13 and 15. It was a disaster. I did not believe it could be as hard as it was. All 4 of the kids were resentful of the time we spent with the ''other'' partner's children. My kids were resentful of the time I spent with my new husband. This got in the way of my relationship with my new husband and I felt incredibly torn about who got my time and how to dole it out. I was totally stressed. I left the marriage and am now happily single. I cannot imagine trying to establish a new relationship again until my children are out of the house. The interesting thing is that we (my two kids and I) are stronger as a unit than ever before. I think that I put my kids through hell with this remarriage and I am trying to forgive myself for what I now see as a selfish move on my part. I believe that we signed up to be parents when we had our kids, and this is an awesome responsibility. I also believe that if the marriage to their father ends, the priority should be the kids and the family until they are out of the house. You will have plenty of time later and if this man is as great as you say, he will still be there for you. In the meanwhile, I suggest that you skip the group dates and just get a sitter and go out the two of you. The kids are pretty clear they don't like this arrangement. They are protecting you and your relationship with them and they don't want to share their mom. I would feel the same way. good luck.... another single mom

I was once in a similar situation. My situation is a little different because I went from a 16 marriage to a lesbian relationship. I also have male children. They never liked my new partners (I practiced ''serial monogamy'' for the last 20 years with 4 long term relationships, I am still in the last one which I expect to last, and all my childen are adults now)

I suspect that it is the rare child that is ok with seeing mom with another love interest. I dont think there is much you can do about that. However, what you can do is make absolutely sure, as much as humanly possible, that this new partner is going to be good to and for your kids. My only regrets are putting my kids in less that ideal situations because I was so besotted of a particular lover. In my case, unfortunatly for me and the kids, my wusband was a workaholic and a pretty crummy parent, so he never took up my slack.

So my advice is, imagine yourself looking back on your life and see if you can have a clear conscience about your relationship with your kids and meeting their emotional needs. If so, then I would go with the relationship.

Blending families is a huge order. I think that part works better with a bit of therapy or other professional guidance. love makes a family

Unfortunately, you may never be able to get your children's approval. Not saying that that will be the case, but it is out there. I would say to find a really good family therapist. Your kids need to know that it is not a betrayal of them. Most children of divorce hang on to the dream that one day mom and dad will get back together...my stepkids are in their twenties and the divorce is 12 yrs old and they still have it. Counseling may be the key and is definitely worth a shot. Well-wisher 

My teen daughters hate my boyfriend

Jan 2007

A couple of years ago, my boyfriend was evicted from the place he'd been living, and since he had nowhere to go, he moved in with my daughters and I. I had thought this would be a temporary situation, but more than two years later, there's no sign of change, and he still has no means of financial support nor other place to live... as my daughters have taken to shutting themselves in their rooms and hardly coming out. All they ever talk to me about is how they hate my boyfriend living with us (he usually stays in my room, away from the rest of the house, but he's been around quite a bit of the time). The reason my daughters dislike my boyfriend so much seem to mostly be due to him not being fun to have around, and his tendency to dwell on subjects they dislike, that sound paranoid or fear-based to my daughters (he grew up in rough neighborhoods, and had some challenging times in his life... and while he's had lots of counseling, he still often brings up topics that are not exactly cheery or bright). I have asked him to spend more time away from the house in the afternoons and evenings when my daughters are home from school, and while this gives my daughters and I a chance to have time together that feels more normal, it's not a complete solution... because my daughters still feel their home is not truly their own as long as my boyfriend's living in it. They would like to walk around in just a T-shirt, to have friends over without feeling there's someone here they don't feel comfortable around, and to be able to talk with me without having my boyfriend always in the house. I love my boyfriend dearly, but I realize that I only have a few years left with my teenage daughters before they move onward and out, and I wish I could enjoy these last precious months and years without so much stress in our home. I'd love to know if anyone has been in a similar situation, or knows of anyone who found a solution to a similar problem. -- T 

The boyfriend should have never moved in without you having a serious conversation with your teenage daughters. They aren't children, they are almost adults and considering their age, their feelings about the situation should have had serious weigh in. I can completely empathize. My mom did the same thing and I had serious ulcers for months that did not go away until he was gone. There is no feeling worse than not being able to be comfortable in your own home, especially if you once had that, and now that's gone. He is not helping you, you are not helping him. Your daughters see that. Preserve your relationship with the girls by putting them first. You just said they won't be there long. I personally don't do live in situations because of my children. When we are married, then we can live together. Kids Come First Mom 

I felt compelled to respond because I saw similar situation happen in my family. Given what you have said about your boyfriend it sounds to me like he needs to move out. You are a single mother with the responsability for 2 kids, a household and I assume a job, so I am wondering why you are doing this to yourself? I am sure it is hard and the need for companionship great but do you really need a freeloader on your hands? I think your daughters are reacting to the fact he is not a full participating member of this family. To stay in his room is to avoid the problem and not work toward being a family...which then begs the question...why are you together. Your daughters are teenagers and yes they might be a bit difficult but it sounds to me they are trying to tell you something. Plus at this point your exemple means everything...is this what you want them to be doing later on in life? good luck anon 

What can your daughters say to make this any clearer for you? Are you really willing to tolerate paranoid comments and the fact that your own children are uncomfortable in their home for the sake of keeping a boyfriend around? You have imposed an unhappy and non-contributing person on your family and they've put up with the situation for two years. Do you see how disrespectful that is of them, and of yourself?

I think that just re-reading your post would tell you what you must do. What would it take for you to decide to get your boyfriend out of the apartment? Is it not a problem because he hasn't stolen anything (but two years of your/their life?) or molested your girls...or because he's not violent?

Once your children have grown up and moved on your home and life are all yours, but right now THEY should be your priority, not this man, or even a more appealing one. Your instinct is right, your time with your kids is finite and if you don't remedy this situation now, they will not come back to you, later in life. Get him out, and apologize to your girls. I think all three of you will feel better. Sad for your girls, who deserve their home

Do the Landmark Forum. www.landmarkeducation.com Then you will know what to do. Then, if the situation is still not resolved, dump the boyfriend; your relationship with your daughters,and their feeling safe in their home is too important. 

You're so right that you only have a little more time for your daughters to be adolescents who want alone time with their mother, before your role in their lives and your influence on them diminishes drastically. In addition you are their primary role model for their own romantic relationships, so you may not want them to learn, even subconsciously, that it's okay to put the needs (financial or otherwise) of a boyfriend ahead of their own and their children's emotional stress/privacy needs. I've been in relationships that were draining me that I probably would have stayed in for longer if I didn't have the example of my mother, who gave me a lot of self-worth as a young girl by showing me that I was more important to her than her boyfriends-- and any boyfriend who was any good for her understood and respected this. Obviously now that I don't live with her anymore her love life is her own business: but the way she conducted her relationships when I was most impressionable gave me more respect for her, for myself, and for women than if I had had to wonder if she was putting a boyfriend's needs before what was best for her daughter. -proud of my mom, & trying to be proud of myself 

Um... why is this deadbeat living with you? More to the point, why are you putting the wishes of a no-job, no-life boyfriend over the wishes of your precious daughters? They hate him because he's using you. They want better for you. So do I! Don't you? Dear Abby 

You have chosen your boyfriend over your daughters. And your daughters know it. Not sure what you are getting out of the relationship with your boyfriend -- he cannot financially support himself, he makes your kids uncomfortable in their own home. Kick him out and step up to putting your kids first. What kind of example is this setting for your teens anyway?! Wake up, sister! 

I had to edit my response a few times, you wouldn't have wanted to see my initial reaction. At first I thought this was a joke question...of course you need to get rid of the boyfriend, and asap, like today. You need as much time as possible to regain trust with your daughters and allow healing to take place. If you do it immediately it might happen. By letting him stay, you are telling them they are not important and don't deserve to grow up in a home where they feel safe. Your first loyalty needs to be to your daughters. You are not responsible for his inability to take care of himself. If you must, give him $250 for a cheap motel while he finds a place to live. You must put your foot down and take back control of your home! Be clear about your priorities and don't waver from them. It is so important for your daughters to learn how not to be victims of a helpless-acting man and not to learn the lesson that they don't matter. I urge you to gather your courage and issue a deadline and stick to it no matter what. Your daughters will respect you for it and you can begin to rebuild trust with them. I know these are strong words, but I just couldn't word it any milder. Anon 

I admit up front to strong feelings about your post. Your daughters' feelings are totally valid. I've been a single mom for a while and I've dated one guy seriously but not let him move in with me (he wanted to ASAP). I've seen how sensitive our home atmosphere is to this guy she's known for years, who respects her and who she's come to see as caring and funny. She appreciates him after all this time. Because I don't overwhelm her with him, I'm not remorseful to sometimes have him over go out with him just because I want it. I would not have the relationship I have with her now if I'd had him move in.

It's absolutely true that your daughters have ''lost'' the privacy of their own home, even if he stays in his room. Also how can they (or you) respect a guy who made a move that should be an important relationship-family mutual-adult decision, based on his need and inability to support himself, let alone support you on some sort of equal level? What can they learn about what to expect from a man when they see you accept him in a role similar to another child?

Even just based on what they need day-to-day in terms of a home, I agree with them. The negativity (depression?) of his worldview is icing on the cake. Not a reason to end it necessarily, but is it your job to take care of him at their expense? Asking him to spend time in his room or away tells me you value your time alone with your daughters too. If you love him, couldn't you work at your relationship in separate residences, if just for now?

One last thing, my boyfriend situation almost but did not quite work out for marriage. For me, marriage probability was the test for whether I would put my daughter through the upheaval of adding him to our household. I know I'm probably old- fashioned on this, but it seemed to be in my best interest too. been there/different approach

It sounds like you're living a double life, except it's no secret. You have a boyfriend living in your room who you adore and then your teenage daughters who you equally adore living in the rest of the house. I don't think this happened by accident. I think there's a psychological reason for this that you need to explore in therapy. It's normal for kids this age to hang out in their rooms, regardless of whether you have a boyfriend living with you or not. Telling your boyfriend not to hang out around the house in the afternoon and evenings so you can be with your daughters is not. Either you're a family or you're not. Either he lives someplace else, or he lives with you. It sounds like you're the one who is benefiting the most from this arrangement and you need to see a therapist to find out why. Otherwise you're not being fair to your boyfriend or your daughters. Anon 

My 9-year-old daughter is not accepting my boyfriend

Jan 2006

I've never thought that my daughter (9 years old) will behave in such a terrible way. I am a single parent who devoted the last six years to her. We are very close and spent a lot of time together. She was my first priority and I did not date anyone seriously. My daughter is very sweet and mature for her age. Dad is hardly in the picture.

I met someone recently and our relationship has been progressing very quickly. However, my daughter does not like and does not accept the guy. I understand that she is jealous and wants to keep me for herself. She asks me why I am not happy just having her, and why I need someone else in our relationship. She also afraid that I don't think about her when I am with a boyfriend. She seems to understand my explanations and reassurance of love but once she sees the guy she throws tantrums, screams and hits things around her. When he is not around she always talks how much she hates him. She also concern about physical part of our relationship and does not want to see us kissing or holding hands. It's been like this for a couple of months. I was hoping it will pass but it is getting worse.

Is there any way to make it easier on her and not to give up a boyfriend? Do I need a therapist? Thank you for your advice. 

My parents split up when I was three and I lived through both of their dating other people. They both started dating other people when I was much younger than 9, so by then I was used to it since it had always been that way.

This is one of those times when you need to put your own needs first. If you dump the guy for your daughter, you will resent her, she will not respect you, and you will end up being much more emotionally dependent on your daughter which she will resent once she hits the teenage and young adult years. All you can do is explain to her that you are not going to be alone for the rest of your life just so she can have you to herself for a few years. Be firm, do NOT let her push you around.

Now my mom dated several guys while I was growing up (not all at once of course). Some of them I liked better than others. The main thing that determined this was how interested they seemed in me as a person. I didn't mind if they were nervous around me (which I didn't know at the time I only know now in retrospect) as long as they put in some kind of effort to get to know me. Your boyfriend needs to reach out to your daughter. If she blows him off he just needs to try something else.

If he decides that he doesn't want to be in this relationship because of your daughter (unlikely but may happen, I don't know the guy) DO NOT guilt trip your daughter or let her know she had anything to do with it. Just tell her he broke up with you, end of story. anon

Dear Anon, My daughter was about 7 when I met my now husband. She has an older sibling who was 17 at the time so it wasn't an issue. However, she, too, didn't like him, didn't like the way he treated her (he never had kids and didn't know them well). We moved in together 3 years later as he traveled a lot, and although her biological dad was totally out of the picture, she didn't find a bond with him..both of them were at fault.

Several things I think and in listening to Dr. Laura years ago and now Dr. Phil, heed her feelings and be sure that there's nothing strange about their relationship that makes her uncomfortable. Is he nice to her? How does he treat you when you're with her. The physical stuff can be curtailed if this is just her only issue as it may make her uncomfortable

If your certain that it's more of she needs to share you and doesn't like it, it is hard on them..I would then seek therapy.

We went to counseling and then during our move in period, did family counseling. I am not sure it helped a lot, as they still clashed, but she was 10 and I wasn't getting any younger and although he wasn't the warm & fuzzy guy towards her always, I knew he genuinely cared about her and her life.

Mixed feelings about the choice I made. She's in college now, and they get along lots better and I know deep down she will thank him for all he's done for her, for me and I know how proud he will be when she graduates and then, maybe they'll get closer. I do know when she marries, she wants him to walk her down the aisle.

It's hard when you're a single mom...but do pay attention to your daughter's feelings, acknowledge them, discuss and get some professional assitance. Contact me directly, should you need a friend Karen

P.S. Many therapists, including, Dr.Laura, believe we should wait until our kids are grown...we're young and don't want to miss out on what could be a good man. Be sure he is before making him an active part of your lives -- yours and your daughters. It's worse when they get attached and then you break up. Good luck! Karen

Hi! I suspect what you need is a new family dynamic that addresses both your insecurities and hers. There's a great series of CD's called Common Sense Parenting (available through me, or through Pransky and Associates in LaConnor WA)that would help tremendously. I also recommend that you consider where family health comes from and begin to include the whole family in your resolve to be healthy. I'd be glad to talk with you further if this sounds interesting. I coach families and individuals on accessing wisdom and health no matter the circumstances, using Principle-Based Learning. Julie 

When I was a little girl, my parents divorced and I watched my mom date and be with her boyfriends. I didn't feel that comfortable but they always take me to my favorite ice-cream place and let me take home 12 scoops. My mom and I parted way when she came to study in the US. Four years later, she married someone and brought me over when I was 13. I recented her and rebelled. I felt that she took her words back that I was her most important person partly because she never reassure me and involve me in the process. Eventually I got over that but it took a long time.

A girlfriend of mine started dating a single father of a 3 year old girl two years ago. They were very very good in introducing the girl into the picture. I realize your child is much older but the little girl is not less vocal at 3-5 years old (trust me). First he made sure that they don't do anything in front of her for a long long time -- holding hands, kissing, etc. Second when he is alone with her or all three hanging out (a long time later), he had to reassure her that she is number 1 priority but now daddy likes a lady friend named ''xxx''. They both complimented her whenever they could and they would do what the little girl likes for the weekend when he has her. For every mild stone, he would take his daughter out on a date and have a little talk.

The first year they visit with the little girl, have dinner, play with her, then say good night and off they go their separate way. I have to say that my gf is very much her friend, read to her, play with her, go to her school performance, go to the mall, whatever they can do together. Once she gains trust she can tell his daughter when she is misbehaving. When it's just the two of them, they can go out as a ''date''. I think a year later they started to stay at each other's houses and being in the same bed in the most discreet way. In short, they never made her feel uncomfortable. Take it slow. The right guy will understand. Good luck. tira

When I was 8 my mother got serious with a boyfriend. I would do things like set the table for just my mom and myself at dinnertime and completely ignore him. I really hated their physical relationship, and while they didn't kiss or hold hands around me, I would see him coming out of her bedroom at night. I'm not sure when things changed but over the years I grew to accept and even love him. We all moved in together at 12 and he basically accepted me as his kid. By highschool he was the calming influence in the house, while my mother and I raged at each other. To this day he is the person I go to if I need to discuss something important with them. He has very slowly earned my trust and now that he and my mom are aging, I am worried about what will happen to our relationship if she were to die first. When I look back, I remember that he tried to aproach me a few times, but it didn't really work. What did work was the space he granted me to go through the painful process of sharing my mom. What also worked subconsciously was the fact that-eventually-he stepped in as my father, accepting the financial/emotional burdens of that role. He paid for private school when things went weird for me in middle school. He helped pay for college, and stood there proudly at my graduation. When I asked my mom to ''walk me down the aisle'' at my wedding, he respectfully sat in his seat and shined with pride. He wrote my most treasured entry in our guestbook. I say all this because I think it's important for you guys to look at this as a long-term thing. If you want it to last, I would just back off your daughter and give her the space to have her feelings. Spend special time, just the two of you. If your boyfriend sticks it out, he will earn her respect and love. She will eventually witness the love he has for you, and that will mean a lot to her. If your boyfriend is still in the picture, when she begins to really question her ''real'' dad's role, she'll see that your boyfriend is right there by your side. She is smart, she has a deep caring (and protective feelings) for you, and already at this age understands a lot. She'll be able to see what's up, and who deserves her affection. Good luck ! and be patient. love my stepdad 

You have my sympathy! My daughter was 9 when I re-married after 8 years of being a single mom. In my case, HE had issues and, unfortunately, my daughter suffered a lot. I basically had 2 people competing for my attention and while she, as the child, was the one who needed help and understanding, it was him, as the controlling and abusive man that he was, who ''won''. I deeply regret that I did not seek help at the time. I applaud you for your concern and want to strongly recommend that you seek counsel. My daughter and I have a very good relationship now, but I still can't forgive myself for what I put her through. My husband and I are still together and over the years I became stronger in communicating my needs as well as my daughter's.

Good luck to you. Step-parent relationships are very tricky, as I'm sure others will tell you. I think you're awesome to be thinking ahead and seeking help. Good luck! mom first

I'm also a single mother and can empathize with your situation. I can only tell you what I've read about single parent dating and what worked for me. There are some statements that you made that resonate with me. 1-that you've ''devoted the last 6 yrs'' to your daughter. 2-that you've ''met someone recently and the relationship is progressing very quickly''. Generally from what I've read and found to work, it's important to move SLOWLY when dating so that your kids can have sufficient time to get to know your friend and become comfortable with them. But this takes time- months sometimes years to establish, especially the older the child(ren) is (are). I made the decision to not have my child meet any of the men I was dating until I was sure in my mind that the relationship was going somewhere and was long- term. This period for me was 6 months. The reasoning is this: It acts as a great prescreen. You don't know how long the relationship is really going to last so (IMHO) it's better to experience this without your child having been exposed to the person and having established a relationship with him so that they're none the worse for it. I would also refrain from being affectionate in your daughter's presence until she is comfortable with your boyfriend. It puts more on her than she as a child is capable of processing, especially when she's still processing the notion of you being in a relationship. Is it possible for you to interact with him when she's not around? This may enable you to work with her to assure her that you're not going anywhere and that you'll always be her mother regardless of who you're involved with. Then let your actions demonstrate that. Also, remember that if this guy and you are meant to be together then moving more slowly isn't a bad thing since you'll be together forever. Good luck! single parenting isn't easy 

Your daughter ''was'' your first priority? I assume she still is. Can you just put off dating until she is grown? I grew up with a dating mom and it was hell. Wait till 18 

I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I'm also sorry your daughter is in this situation. You may feel like you are the victim in this situation, but really, your daughter is as well. If your child had a friend who was a boy whom she liked in the ''puppy love'' sense, and you found that he was totally bratty and terrible, and he was coming over all the time, staying for dinner, and holding hands with her, you would probably tell her you didn't want her to see him and that he couldn't come over anymore, and that would be it. But your daughter has no such power, so this is her way of expressing her unhappiness with disapproval. The bottom line is that if she doesn't like someone at all and he is coming over all of the time, and showing great affection to the one person in her life whom she really has, she is not going to like him any more as he continues doing this and it gets worse. If you really like him, you may need to make a huge effort (probably therapy included) to work out the issues your daughter has with him. If you don't think that it is worth it, then you don't like him enough to cause this kind of rift between you and your child. Mitra 

Hi, I was like your daughter with my mother. You mentioned that her father is barely in the picture. If she was anything like me, she will be more threatened by your boyfriends because of her relationship, (or there lack of), with her father than the typical child. It's not your fault. But she may need some therapy to work out her feelings about men, or more precisely, father-figures. Of course, I could merely be projecting and she will grow out of this quickly. You may want to also try letting your boyfriend and she spend some time together, just the two of them, if she is willing! Best of luck, Anon 

If you are even considering not dating for the next 10 years (until your daughter grows up) let me share this... My daughters is 25 and is giving me/my boyfriend an incredibly hard time. I am in my late 40s and finally ready to do something for myself, but she won't have it. She still wants me at her beck and call- mostly for her children. There is no guarantee that your daughter will be any more accepting when she's 18. In the meantime you will be lonely, give up any opportunity to have another child (if you want one) and most important, never have modeled the makings of a good relationship for your daughter. Remember, they do what we do, not what we say, not what they see on TV, not what they see at the movies. If you sacrifice your possibility of companionship for her, you are not teaching her that she is #1, you are teaching her that she like you, is not.

I gave everything to my daughter including the food on my plate when she wanted more even if she'd had enough and I hadn't. Is my daughter at 25 a self assured young woman who is out there getting what wants and deserves to have? No. She is busy putting off her life and fullfilment for her children. And, she's re- creating the one relationship she saw me in. A really bad one.

Treat yourself the way you want your daughter to treat herself when she grows up. Treat your daughter, the way you want her to treat your grandchildren.

I am madly in love with my grandchildren, sad that my daughter is not a priority in her own life and very grateful that I have a boyfriend that is forgiving of my often rude 25 year old daughter who doesn't want to share her mother. I am lucky that he has given my daughter time and space to get used to the idea of him in my life. hoping its not too late

Your email really struck a chord with me, having been the only child of a single mom who had a lot of boyfriends. First of all, I want to tell you that I don't think there's any reason to give up on your boyfriend, unless the relationship isn't working for other reasons. But several of your comments really raised red flags for me. 1) You say you ''devoted the last 6 years to her.'' Well, she didn't ask to be born and of course you devoted 6 years to her -- that is your job. I hope you will devote the next 6 years to her, too. She's not 18 and can't take care of herself. 2) You wrote ''she was my first priority.'' Was? Hopefully, she still is. I think that's her proper place. She certainly should be a higher priority than someone you barely know. 3) You wrote that the relationship was ''progressing very quickly.'' Why? Why the rush, especially given how hard it is on your child? Is he going anywhere? My experience was that my mother (whom I adore and with whom I am best friends today) gave me lots of verbal reassurance about her boyfriends, but her actions said something else. I would have preferred her to be less physically demonstrative with men in front of me, certainly in the first few months. I would have preferred her to make ''special'' time for me that was regular and sacred. I would have preferred her to never ever ever let a new boyfriend discipline me. Ultimately, when I was 16, she married my stepfather. It was rough and I tortured him, but gradually I became closer and closer to him until we were actually (he has since died) closer to each other than I was to her. There was a long period of time when he constantly had to assert that he came first, which was hard for the family. But he was very loving to me, had other kids that I adored, and he tried hard to disengage from my provocative behavior. Once he created his own relationship with me (and once I let him do that), things got a lot better. I hope you will continue to make your daughter your first priority, while setting appropriate limits that allow you to continue your relationship with your new boyfriend. Good luck!

Learned to love the Boyfriend