Lesbian & Gay Parents of Teens

Archived Q&A and Reviews

13-year-old son's defiant rejection of two-mom family

March 2009

We are mother and partner of mother with 13-year-old son. He is going through tough times--academically and socially-in 8th grade. He is very close with partner; good pals. Except when he is having particularly bad time he pulls ''don't want to be around lesbians'' card temper tantrums, especially when being held accountable. When asked if anyone at school is giving him a heard time about being in lesbian household, he admits no one has given him any problems about it. Similar to another recent post about adolescent boy, he is in his aggressive, defiant, ''want to be like the boys in the 'hood'' stage. Deep underneath, he is actually a very emotional and relationship oriented person. Any suggestions or resources? Flummoxed

We are lesbian parents of a 17 year old girl, so the issues may be somewhat different, but we are available to connect with if you like. She has had a lot of issues, but at 17 is doing much better. The worst years for us were between 14 -16. Melanie and Jaynie

To Flummoxed: Glad to discuss off line been there

I am the birth mom of a two mom family of a 14 year old son. When my son was conceived and before he was in elementary school, nearly all our friends with lesbians with kids. They were comfortable to be around; we had shared experiences; we were all modeling healthy pro- active two parent households.

Then we started to look around at the life we were creating for our son. We began to look at our life through his eyes and what we saw was that our son straddled two very different worlds. One world was the weekend world with lots of moms doting on their kids \xc2\x96 kids playing together \xc2\x96 and we as parents sort of forcing the kids to do activities the others liked because we wanted to maintain the friendships in the same way.

But our son\xc2\x92s school life was very different, he played kickball, was independent, helped kids with their homework, discussed what it would be like to go to church, punched kids in the arm to get their attention \xc2\x96 in other words lots of activity that we would have never known had we not been quiet and observed.

That\xc2\x92s when we decided to work on splitting our lives a little and letting our son integrate his a little more. So we spent more time at baseball diamonds and carpentry classes. We shuttled kids around \xc2\x96 a lot \xc2\x96 and generally for the next two years, we watched and experienced life through the eyes of our son. The pendulum is now closer to the middle, but we had to see him separately from us to make that happen. Learning to Love Differently

My immediate rection is (and I am single, living with partner of opposite sex, father of my children): kids will always defy you at this age. I am the biological mother, their dad is my partner, and I've heard ''I want a nicer/better/cooler mom'' for a long time...I think the kids just do it to try to get their way when you set limits for them. I would try to find out how you can help with the academic and social problems, which you probably are already doing. Another unwanted mom - sometimes