Young adult wants to continue dating during pandemic
Hello,
Wondering if anyone has experienced trying to explain to a young adult (21) that dating (at least in person, unless in distanced, outdoor context) can't happen while the pandemic rages. I've used science-based explanations, and told my daughter, who lives with us, that I am over 60, and her dad, over 65. She has had front yard, distanced get togethers with her boyfriend over the last 2 months, but reaches the point where she wants him to spend the night, and screams that she can't take it anymore. I tell her, I know, it's really hard. We're all struggling with the restrictions, but until there is reliable, available, accurate testing and/or vaccine, intimacy is off the table. This holds for a couple weeks until the next outburst, usually timed with a get together planned in the front yard with the boyfriend. Either the boyfriend or she are pushing to be able to spend the night together (here); when I push back and insist that she respect that the "family bubble" needs to stay intact, and tell her the estimated timeline for a vaccine, she loses it, and screams. From what I know about the boyfriend, he is not completely following the law (in other respects) and is not well educated, and doesn't listen to reasoned, evidence-based arguments. But up to this point, he seems to have respected the limits that she has set regarding social distancing. But then again, I still think there is pressure coming from him. I've sent her links to articles, asked her not to scream, or make me the enemy. She has a therapist, and takes low dose of Wellbutrin. She is transferring from community college to a UC (deferring until classes are in person) and is well-directed, and a hard worker, but I'm afraid that eventually, he will sneak into our house at night. Please help with any tips you can, knowing that I have set limits and shared information, and tried being a friend to my kid during this difficult time.
Parent Replies
I heard an advice podcast recently (What's Your Drama) that had a similar question. Their answer was to invite the boyfriend to quarantine with your family for the duration, with the understanding of how that works for your family - following your county's health orders very strictly. If that doesn't work for him, perhaps your daughter can move in with him for the duration. Not kicking her out, but with the understanding that your household is strictly observing quarantine, and if that doesn't work for her, there is an alternative. (Is your husband on the same page as you?)
However, you may have an underlying issue that will come to the forefront once the health orders are slightly lifted but the pandemic risk is still out there - it doesn't sound like you like her boyfriend. That's a tougher issue to resolve when she is an adult, and you may have a hard time justifying your household's "social distance" in a few weeks when small gatherings are allowed again (fingers crossed).
Bottom line is of course you and your husband are allowed to set the rules for your house, but just ask yourself if you'd feel exactly the same if you loved her boyfriend and thought he was good for her. If your adult daughter doesn't like the rules (and come on, it would be VERY hard to go without physical contact with your significant other for months!!), she should find another place to stay for the duration, even if that means you can't have contact with her for the time being.
I have a Masters in Public Health somI really understand where you are coming from and wanting to do extreme social distancing. And I also understand that telling young adults absolutely no will certainly lead to a blow out where they will just go on their own and make very bad decisions. I believe a harm reduction approach would be best. Especially if the boyfriend is taking social distancing seriously I think some flexibility along with guidelines could reduce the risks and still allow them to spend time. For example, they could get a hotel or air bnb nearby and isolate themselves in the room so they are not exposing anyone else. He could be allowed only in her room and she would wear a mask out of the room for an agreed upon time after the visit. They could set up a tent in the yard. These along with agreements of possible self quarantine, mask wearing in the house, lots of hand washing and good hygiene can really reduce the risks. What I dont see possible is a months long (maybe a year) imposition on their being to gether. We all know that abstinence only doesnt work.
We have a daughter and are in a similar situation. Except add 80 year old grandmother with respiratory issues to the situation.
Does she know just how deadly covid-19 is? You might have her watch a couple of videos so she understands.
https://www.pbs.org/wgbh/americanexperience/films/influenza/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDY5COg2P2c&t=239s
Or you might bring it home and have here learn what happened in Oakland, San Francisco during the previous pandemic.
https://www.nbcnews.com/politics/politics-news/san-francisco-had-1918-flu-under-control-then-it-lifted-n1191141
https://www.latimes.com/california/story/2020-04-19/coronavirus-lessons-from-great-1918-spanish-flu-pandemic
If your daughter is like ours you will find love/sex is a force which is far more powerful than rational thinking at her age.
Our daughter was given the choice of living with us or with her boyfriend or friends. I should mention she is in a higher risk group for women her age. She has chosen to live with her boyfriend. She knows if things don't work out she's going to have to live with friends or isolate for 2 weeks before visiting or coming home.
We are living in difficult times. Not sure about you, but we are expecting a second and a third wave of covid-19 to hit the Bay Area with the way people are responding.
Until this thing burns itself out, try and stay well. Keep your mask on and keep you distance.
Best of luck.
What a difficult situation you are in. I'll second the previous response. Basically, be loving and firm around your boundaries. You have a right to a safe and stable home. I assume your daughter is not paying rent (legally, it's a different situation if she is paying rent). Acknowledge her feelings, and that as an adult you respect her right to make choices and live as she chooses. You trust that she will make decisions that are appropriate for her. Let her know that you love her and that you also have a right to make choices that are appropriate for yourself. Communicate what you expect in your home clearly, and what, if any, support you will offer if she chooses to live elsewhere. Good Luck. Be Well and Be Safe.
We've had similar struggles at our house with our son and his girlfriend who are both 19. I'm not saying we handled it in the most optimal way but I will share our experience in case it's helpful. My son and GF were a couple in high school and then they both went off to college in different states last fall.
In March, her school on the east coast shut down. A family member in Berkeley was diagnosed with Covid so she could not go home and she had no other place to go, so she came to stay with us. This was a scary, hard decision because my elderly mother lives with us, and I am high risk too. However the GF had not had any contact with her family, and there were virtually no cases in the state where she'd been going to college. So we decided we could take the risk and we held our breath and did it. After 2 weeks staying with us, she was anxious to go back home. We told them both that once she left, she could not come back. Son and GF agreed, and were on the phone constantly the rest of March, April, and into May, pining away, but not seeing each other in person.
Then, 2 weeks ago, in the middle of the night, our son decided to walk down to her house to see her in person because he "just couldn't take it anymore." He stayed there overnight and was ejected by her family the next day. When he came back, we decided to quarantine him in his room for 2 weeks following a family discussion (there are 5 of us - another son lives at home, along with me, my husband, and my mother.) Honestly there was probably no real danger but we wanted to make the point that his actions affect the whole family, and the consequence is he has to be isolated. He accepted it.
Last week when the city sent around "bubble" info, we agreed as a family that the GF can be in our bubble and she can come over up to 3 times per week, with advance notice. She does not go out or socialize with anyone other than her immediate family (neither do we) so we all agreed this seems safe. Son and GF have planned one sleepover next week, and another one the week after. I expected him to be pushing for more, but she suggested the days, and he seems really happy to have a plan. We also invited her to join the family on a getaway for a few days in August, and they are both over the moon about that.
So I would say just give them a little bit that you feel is safe, and it will make them really happy!