Helping Kids Cope with Covid Stay-at-Home

Parent Q&A

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  • I’m looking for feedback on whether your kids are struggling with sleep right now. Has it become erratic? What’s helping you?

    We moved at the start of the pandemic and my child is in her own room, for the first time. It’s close to ours, but she’s really stumbled with both going to sleep and sleeping through the night. Bad dreams, or not enough excercise, especially this week stuck inside. Many times, when she wakes, she’s up from 3am.. til 6am. This has been hard. 
     

    We’ve used melatonin to get her to sleep so she’s not taking 2-3 hours to fall asleep. We’ve done sleep training throughout her life. But she’s particularly scared of fires (first really bad dream here was about fires in her school, many months ago :(. We don’t want to over use melatonin, nor do we want to be so severe in sleep training during this time, but open to what makes sense.  We’ve let her have books in bed to cycle down, or slept by her bed or have her come in with us, with a really bad dream or night. We want to stop a lot of that within reason but with these times, it’s felt like the best thing in the moment. 
     

    We’re struggling with whether to be just plain rigorously consistent in never staying there or letting her in bed, no books, and only check in’s (like extinction method), or perhaps continuing to really meet the trauma needs and knowing this is a long game, and offshoot because of this hard season. Thankfully, she’s a pretty well adjusted in this time, although beyond bored this week (no matter the exercise, obstacle course, etc). 
     

    Really want her to get good rest, and us too. It’s been hard. 
     

    Thanks for what’s worked for you. 

    Hi there,

    I’m so sorry to hear about these sleep struggles! I’d highly recommend consulting with a professional sleep coach - we’ve used Darrah Torres of Sleep Wise Consulting in the past and she’s been incredible. Any bumps in the road, I always go back to her. https://sleepwiseconsulting.com/

    Good luck!

    Beth  

    Ugh, I’m sorry! This is such a tough one. My daughter went through the same around 3 when we moved her into a bed. Up for hours in the MOTN, often with tantrums. Every night for months, without fail. Our younger son was 6 months at the time so we were desperate for sleep and tried everything, sleep training wise. What eventually worked was a combination of several things, and I think also just passing through the phase (although I will say, she’s almost 5 now and still up 2-3 times a week but they’re usually brief wake ups unless we’re traveling or she’s sick- but in general much easier to deal with). Like you described, we struggled with whether we should just give in and lay with her every night or do some sort of sleep training. We did both for awhile which didn’t work. Finally we asked her what she needed to feel ok in the night and over a couple weeks she came up with: a special buddy (stuffed animal), soft blanket, sleeping with one of my t-shirts, a nightlight, and a light on in the hallway. I also told her she could call out one time for reassurance but no more after that. We also did a reward chart- the first couple nights when she finally slept through I gave her a little treat in the morning for immediate gratification and a sticker towards a larger goal (picking out a toy). I know, this sounds like a million things and maybe overindulgent, and it probably was, but we were all desperate for sleep and basically not functioning- I was sick for 3 months straight during the worst of it due to exhaustion! Anyway, involving her in the process seemed to help and at least gave us a little more insight into her mind during this whole ordeal. Good luck, and I really hope you get some rest soon! Oh, we also got her an ok to wake clock and explained how important sleep is for our bodies/minds- I got a few picture books on the topic too- the llama llama goodnight one was good at that age.  

  • This is ironic because I spent years and a small fortune trying to have my daughter, but I don’t think hate is too strong a word for how I feel towards her these days. The problem in a nutshell is her interminable whining. It feels like 80-90% of her interactions involve whining. We’ve tried counting her, ignoring it, emotional coaching, positive discipline, labeling feelings, but are increasingly turning into people we don’t like when we look in the mirror... yelling, avoiding her, glowering at her, just turning and walking away.

    Yes, there are moments of joy (she was an angel at 3) but they currently don’t outweigh the dread I feel ten minutes before she wakes up in the morning. It’s all downhill from there. She’ll wake up bawling, because she “doesn’t want to be alone“ when I’m feeding the baby in the other room. Then I’ll ask her to get dressed and she’ll flatly refuse “No.” Then she’ll whine when I pick an outfit, and cry when I tell her to pick out her own. She’ll fall to the floor when I tell her to get dressed to join us for breakfast... “I can’t!” I don’t give in but she has nevertheless adopted a feigned helplessness. She’ll sometimes purposely trip while walking to garner sympathy. Just now she dropped the iPad saying it was “too heavy.” She has this annoying, high-pitched “damsel in distress” tone she defaults to, even though we’ve asked her a hundred times to use her “regular voice.”

    Teachers say they haven’t seen this side of her. We stayed with grandparents for 3 months during lockdown and even in their infinite patience noted they were disturbed by her bad behavior. I was mortified when she covered her ears when they advised her not to put her fingers in her mouth or scowl at them. Tell her not to show food in her mouth and she’ll squint at you and do it defiantly. Tell her to potty before a car trip and she’ll fight you tooth and nail. Twenty minutes after picking at her lunch she’ll whine that she “wants to eat something” and then repeat it for half an hour. Ask her to take a deep breath and she’ll whine “I don’t want to!” Show any interest in a song that’s playing, and she’ll sing the ABC song over it. Say it’s bedtime and she’ll run away, making you chase her down. Get her in bed and she’ll whine “I don’t want to sleep!” until she wakes up the baby. She doesn’t stay in bed, either. At her new post-reopening preschool the boys there chased her with a toy knife and called her cry baby. Frankly I had no sympathy left, and instead thought to myself that that sounds about right.

    Is this normal? A sign of teenage years to come? Or is she getting it out of her system? It wasn’t like this pre-COVID but we also had her in preschool full-time so were able to actually enjoy the few hours we had as a family each night.

    I really feel for you!  I had a similar experience with my now 17 year old son.  I finally resorted to bribery, er, motivation!  He had a simple reward chart based on trying to adjust his "negative interaction" habit.  He got his reward after dinner, which was some type of "fruit snack" candy.  If he had 0 to 2 negative interactions, he received 3 pieces. 3 - 5 negative interactions got 2 pieces, and more than 5 negative interactions meant he did not receive any.  Believe me, he went from literally hundreds of negative interactions a day down to around 2 a day.  And along with his change came LOTS of praise from me, as well as really trying to work with him on identifying his difficult feelings so that they weren't just ignored.  I really felt at the time that it was just a horrible attention-seeking ingrained habit.  But, he is also a kid who was diagnosed with depression in his pre-teens.  Kids with mental health issues still need to learn how to live in the world and not make every interaction a power struggle.  Best of luck!

    This sounds so frustrating and exhausting. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

    My preschooler had some major mood swings and regressions when schools closed and he wasn’t able to go to the playground and interact with other kids. I’d you’re comfortable and can do so safely, finding ways for her to play with other kids or go back to preschool could help. My son just started preschool again and he’s back to his normal, happy self. 

    It also sounds like she’s attention seeking- maybe struggling with a new sibling? I would strongly recommend Janet Landsbury’s podcast for tips on how to handle whining, attention seeking, and dealing with a new sibling. 

    Best of luck, I hope some of this is helpful!
     

    Hi mama. I feel for you. Whining can be really grating on the nerves and I know I've been driven to my last wits during this time with less childcare support. You don't mention her age but you alluded to 3 being great, so I'm assuming shes 4-5? What you are describing is normal. Let me me repeat, this is completely normal!. Add in the stressors of COVID and staying with grandparents and a new baby and less preschool, and you both have even more reasons for both of your behaviors. But you are the adult in the situation who has more experience regulating your emotions. She does not. She has to learn and that doesn't come through punishment or loss of sympathy - quite frankly, the opposite works. You need to find more quality time with her, smother her with love and patience. Simply repeating back her feelings helps ("It's frustrating when something is too heavy", "It seems like you don't want to go to bed. I know sometimes I feel that way too. But it's time to rest our bodies".) You need to figure out what needs of hers aren't being met (likely it's individualized attention or simply the acknowledgement of change in her world and how hard this is). It sounds like you may also need some support as well to help you not become so easily flustered by normal childhood behavior and be in a better mindset to support her. Some books I recommend: "How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen" or "No Drama Discipline". Books by Louise Bates Ames (such as "Your 4 Year old") are enlightening in regards to normal developmental behaviors (but they are also very old-school and mention spanking so take some of it with a large grain of salt). Talk to her pediatrician and if they are supportive they may point you in the direction of other parenting resources to support you. Reach out to your own OB and get screened for postpartum depression and have your partner, family, etc step in to help with the baby so you can have both alone time to recharge and 1:1 time with your older child. 

    I'm sending you lots of patience and strength. What you are describing is hard. But it's also completely normal for her to be acting this way and as a parent you will need to find out a way to nurture her through this phase. It will get better!

    You managed to write all that without giving your daughter's age, which is kind of an important detail. But I have a guess, and it's based on this gem of parenting wisdom I got when my daughter was a toddler: "The terrible twos are overstated. Three is worse than two, four is worse than three, and five is the worst of all." I definitely found that to be true. Things turned around amazingly at age six, when it seemed like all of a sudden my daughter's ability to self-execute--to move from want, to plan, to execution and fulfillment without me having to play a role--improved immensely. That made her less frustrated and therefore less annoying and less whiny.

    If I'm wrong about your daughter's age, I apologize for being off track.

    I think the keys may be buried in your post- the baby, and Covid. This sounds like big sister syndrome, mixed with COVID anxiety.

    When a new baby comes along, the older soon loses her cherished spot getting all the love and attention, so disrupting time with the baby, acting younger/weaker/unable to do things, and making bids for attention (positive or negative) is normal. You might see regression in toileting, sleep, feeding, motor skills, even speech. What helps? Special alone time with her, hugs and cuddles, special "big kid" things, etc. Ignore the bad, reward the good, and go out of your way to CREATE good times together that you both enjoy. Every day and with both parents, if that's possible in your family.

    Now, Covid. What does Covid anxiety look like at this age? Acting up, not knowing what they want, never being satisfied, feeling overwhelmed, testing ALL the boundaries, indecisiveness, sleep disturbances, a general feeling of unease or anxiety (that helplessness/distress you hear), defiance, regression in social skills, unable to cope with emotions, going into fight or flight/meltdown mode at the drop of a hat, etc. What can help? Boundaries, structure, routine, consistency, calmness and confidence by adults (if you're anxious, it'll be worse), creation of "normalcy" as much as possible, time outside playing in nature, hugs, love, and family time.

    So, what to do? Create a daily schedule that includes outside time, "big kid" activities, and 1:1 times with adults. Set up reasonable but not excessive boundaries and consequences (now may not be there time to work on table manners or keeping fingers out of the mouth). Give choices to contain that overwhelming feeling or indecisiveness (you can't get dressed? Offer 2 choices you know she can handle. Lunch is a problem? Put 3 choices on her plate, at least one of which you know she'll love, then let her eat it or not). Make bedtime special time with her, read books and cuddle up in bed together. Do something each day with her that YOU enjoy, too. Kids know when you're not having fun and wish you weren't spending time with them. The dread you feel at her waking up feeds into this- figure out how to change that for yourself and it'll help, too.

    So sorry to hear about this.   I totally understand your reaction and I appreciate your honesty.   You are a good mama in a really difficult situation.    I would recommend calling Rachel Biale for some advice.  https://www.rachelbiale.com/about-me     She's a therapist who specializes in helping parents with various problems with their children and would also give you the support you need.   I'm sure that short Zooms or calls with her would be helpful.    good luck.   

    Hi there! You are not alone! I can’t say any of this behavior seems out of the ordinary but you just have some extra helpings of it. And the Covid has really caused the kids to lose many outlets for their energy. did you say you tried positive behavior rewards? Sticker charts? For some things offer A or B choices from the start so she feels like she’s exerting some independence? I’m in a similar struggle with my 8yr old, so very defiant. Ugh...at least you have a couple more years than me for the teens hit...even the preteens. Sorry, not so helpful reply. Mostly wanted you to know you are not alone. Hang in there!

    Hi i am sorry to hear you are having this problem with your  daughter. This is more than growing pains and you have been resourceful in your responses. Suspect she needs to see professional. She may have a diagnosis and they might have suggestions  on how to handle her  behavior. Best of luck. 

    Hi there.....I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I would say I had hate relationship with motherhood when my daughter was 18 months to 4 years old. It seems between that age until she was 4 years old (every kid has different developmental phase), there was always something (ex: she was 18 months and couldn't communicate properly yet, so she got frustrated easily). I feel in your case it's combination between developmental growth (ex: being independent with her own choice instead of following mom/dad wish/order) and the new baby (ex: having all this new feeling that came with having a sibling from love to upset because of losing un-divided attention from mom/dad/grandparents). I used to joke with my husband that unfortunatelly kid is a final sale, so we need to work on what we have. In a nut shell, I feel what you are going through is normal. Being parents is not an easy job!

    My daughter, my sunshine, is the world class whiner too. She is still a world class whiner at 8 years old. Before Covid 19, she was always tired when I picked her up from day care (at 6PM), so often I was dreading to pick her up, because she could be mean or whinny when she was tired. It is getting better though, so hang in there. With potential jealousy due to new sibling, my suggestion is to have some special days between you and her only (if it's possible. I am not sure if you are still breastfeeding), so she knows that she is still the love of your life.      

    How sad that it sounds like you aren’t able to enjoy your daughter and she doesn’t seem to be enjoying much either. It could be a phase.... I definitely know kids who went through phases where they talked in a whiny voice constantly. And I’ve known kids who do it just with their parents or just with one parent. Since it’s affecting your family life so much I wonder if it wouldn’t be worth engaging with a therapist? Someone with tons of experience with children.... if only to help give you some insight into potential solutions.

    You don’t say her age but guessing around five. It sounds to me like she needs a lot more empathy from you about the Covid situation, and about having a new baby in the family. It is so much for all of us but especially small kids. On top of that, five is hard and emotional as kids’ brains develop. I recall epic meltdowns at that age. You need to tell her and show her that all emotions are ok but not all actions are allowed. Slow down, listen, show her you love her even though she was just bumped from number one only child spot and now you spent so much time with the baby. Tell he you know she must miss her school friends and teacher and routine. Give her big hugs. She sounds like she doesn’t feel heard so try to change that feeling with in her by making her feel special. At the same time, calmly and consistently enforce boundaries with her. 

    Happiest toddler on the block book or dvd might be better right now to see and hear his suggestions. Even if she’s not a toddler, it’s really a book about communicating effectively to kids of any age.  Also, the book The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary could be really helpful. 

    Hi. My heart goes out to you and family! The behaviors you describe can be caused by anxiety. The fact that she wasn't like this pre-Covid speaks volumes. I'd bet money that anxiety is at least a part of what's going on for her, and probably for you, too. Kids can show anxiety and distress in different ways from adults. All of your lives were upended by this stressful bizarre pandemic situation, it sounds to me like how she's responding is classic for a child dealing with possibly high levels of anxiety and/or depression. She doesn't have the words or maturity/capability to express or even understand how out control she's feeling, so she's doing the only things she can-- i.e. acting out and trying to find places in her life where she can be "in control," even if destructive. Some kids respond to traumatic changes, transitions, stress, etc in dramatic ways like this. And I know that it's not easy for you to be able to manage it- It feels so upsetting. I know how that feels and I empathise! It's understandable that you're reacting and feeling the way that you are. When we feel like we are trying so hard to parent well and do everything right and nothing is "working," it can start to just feel hopeless and we can start to feel like we want to shut down because it triggers our own emotional distress. But please remind yourself that it's gong to be ok, you guys will be OK. If I am right and it's anxiety-related, yes it's normal for some kids to respond to it this way. Anxiety can be related to a genetic predisposition or health condition, sometimes it's just personality, sometimes it's a combination of a lot of factors. But there are things you can do and it is not hopeless.

    Both my kids have had (& still manage) anxiety in one form or another and we as a family have gone through much of what you're experiencing. I have anxiety and PTSD (Well managed in part due to excellent sypport system and an awesome therapist. I have a predisposition to both depression and anxiety my whole life, starting from childhood, likely due at least in part to a genetic condition (Ehlers Danlos) that I just now have been diagnosed with & understand can often be related to or can go hand-in-hand with anxiety/depression; and also, in part due to a past abusive relationship I survived. That's all a long story.). My older son (now in middle school & doing well) saw a Play Therapist for many years starting @ age 3 to help with his own anxiety (Dr. Shannon Dubach in Berkeley. I highly recommend her. She also frequently had very helpful parenting advice for me). His anxiety was/is often related to trauma and transitions and changes. He has a condition called Dyspraxia (Very intelligent and sweet, super high functioning, but struggles with ADHD like symptoms that often could manifest in defiance and meltdowns, some pretty heavy struggles, especially worse before we all figured out what was going on). My younger son was in kindergarten this past school year, and he reacted to the lockdown and school closure and everything in some very similar ways to what you're describing. Woo, boy. Defiance, anger, refusing to listen, food defiance, etc. Luckily my husband and I knew what we were seeing, but it's still challenging.

    I'm not an expert, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Find a good therapist for everyone, (lots are doing Zoom or careful in-person sessions now). Create a routine & try to stick to it. Meditate. Research. I'm here to chat if you'd like.

    This is not advice and I know it’s not funny, but your whole letter made me laugh because I totally get it. My daughter has had a lot of attitude issues, not sure if it’s covid/not being at daycare or development stage related, but...yeah. I feel ya. Hopefully this is just a short phase (for our kids and the world.) 

    This sounds incredibly awful! I am so sorry to hear this. Was she always difficult or did it start with the baby’s arrival?  I have a few thoughts. First- she seems to know how to get a reaction from you ( strong ones- which I understand) so I would try to not react with emotion at any bad behavior. I would stay as calm as possible.

    maybe when she  knows she won’t get a reaction she will tone it down. 
     

    If you think it is about the baby, try to have some time with just her doing something she really likes. 
     

    I also suggest a LOT of outdoor time- hearty walks or hikes to get her anxiety/ angst/ anger / energy out. When my kids were that age I recall when they were exercised out ( meaning really tired from a long day in the park or a big hike) they had less energy to fight me on small things. 
     

    if this continues after covid ends I suggest meeting with a child therapist as you definitely want to get things under control before she gets older. 
     

    also- the fact that she does not act like this in school is really a good sign. Ask parents who she has had play dates with how her behavior is there when you are not present. 
     

    so sorry- wishing you well. Some kids are just tougher than others and it’s not your fault. How you react to her is all you can control right now. 

    I've got a 3.5 y/o and a baby and I definitely sympathize with how hard it is. This is a challenging age under the best circumstances, and we're not anywhere near that -- in just the past few months our kids have had their lives upended by the birth of new siblings, the abrupt withdrawal of peer socialization and structure, & the need to compete for our attention as we try to simultaneously work and parent under totally untenable conditions. Those are stressors that most adults are (understandably) having trouble managing, and young children don't have anywhere near the same number of tools.

    None of that makes the behavior you describe any less frustrating in the moment. That said, I want you to really sit with what you wrote here. You "hate" your preschooler. You think it "sounds about right" for boys to be bullying her and chasing her around with fake knives. It seems like the first step should be therapy for yourself to work on anger management, appropriate expectations, and clear strategies to ensure you can continue to be a safe and unconditionally loving adult for your daughter. I hope you can find the help you need.

      I recommend you contact Rebecah Freeling ASAP. You need to turn this ship around now because this situation will not improve without intervention. Rebecah’s expertise is with willful, spirited kids who fiercely want their way. 
    Rebecah saved my family and I’m not exaggerating. You may contact me for more details! Look up Rebecah in BPN for other reviews and contact info. She is not cheap but it is worth every penny. 
    Wishing you so much future joy and ease! It’s not easy but the results are astounding.  

    I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. It sounds like your daughter is reacting to the presence of a baby and the disruptions in life due to covid in predictable ways. I would suggest finding times to be alone with her and play, following her lead, and creating moments of fun without conflict. You really need to experience some loving and happy times with your child and build up a well of good feeling. I would also suggest picking your battles and while you must insist on certain things still validate her feelings as much as possible "yes, it's hard to be alone, but I'll be right in the next room and we will play together right after I finish with the baby." Finally, if you are feeling that much animosity to your daughter I know for myself, that can mean that some old wounds of my own are being triggered. Please go to therapy and/or get some coaching so you can find a way to navigate these challenges (covid, baby, etc) better. I wish I had gotten help sooner and regret times I lost my patience with my kid due to issues in my own past that I hadn't fully dealt with. Getting help can really improve your relationship with your daughter so much! Good luck, it's tough times all around but you owe it to yourself and your kids to get back to a loving place. 

    The key to answering your question is buried within it: you have a new baby. Any parent who's navigated having a second child while the older one is still a toddler will tell you: all that you describe is completely normal. Please have compassion for your little whiner--she doesn't really understand why her world has shifted in this monumental way, and it is a painful reality check to deal with a newcomer you didn't ask for. To be completely honest, my son still hasn't recovered from the birth of our daughter nearly 5 years ago. I know that some kids are thrilled to have a sibling--some are not and that's okay. If you haven't yet followed Janet Lansbury on this particular subject, please check out her blogs and recommendations. One thing (straight from Janet) that has frequently defused my son's extreme upset is just saying "it's really hard being a big brother, isn't it." This has worked like magic even when I didn't expect it to. New big siblings need to feel heard and seen. They're not trying to be obnoxious--they need to be loved. Best of luck to you, it's a hard situation especially when you're exhausted dealing with a new baby. 

    I thought your post heading was funny until I realized that you are serious. My personal experience growing up as a middle child and having a middle child as a niece, suggests to me that maybe, if you can take the time, to take her comments at face value. It will be many years before she understands that the delivery of her message is at least as important as the message itself. Her whole entire life has only spanned a few short years and it sounds like the last few were wanting. She believes that she needs more attention so that is her reality whether justified or not. I made a similar declaration about needing more attention to my mother and she laughed at me. So I gave up on her. In a way she is lucky that that was the end to most of our conflicts. My niece, who I see infrequently, has been quite the drama queen. At first I tried to address the drama with no success. More recently, I explained how we are both middle children and sometimes we have to make our own happiness because older and younger siblings dominate parental attention. Maybe she is older and wiser now, but in the span of 6 months in between family gatherings, she has much better control of her emotions and can communicate what she needs without the drama.

    It sounds like this child my be four years old --- developmentally in the part of the cycle where Power, Control and Independence are at a high point. She will likely be more flexible and willing to be part of the group at 5 (when Kindergarten typically starts). Developing parenting skills at this juncture will be important when this kind of behavior recurs in adolescence!  This child is asking for attention and is willing to accept negative attention over a lack of attention. Then add the stress and uncertainty of a pandemic...  Elinor Fitch Griffin wrote that "A change in behavior comes about from a change in feelings."  My recommendations would be to try to get ahead of the behavior and build a new pattern:1. Attention. Uninterrupted time (at least 20 minutes per session) when the adult plays with the child, taking the child's lead. This means no phone or other distractions.2. Play. Prepare activities that the child will find make them curious, creative and/or expressive. This effort to plan and prep the environment will go a long way with the child. Children have wonderful behavior when they sleep or are deeply engaged.3. Praise. Provide the child with specific feedback for anything you find positive.4. Power. Share power by acknowledging every single decision the child gets to make. At this developmental stage they typically notice any restriction, so highlight what they do get to choose. Would you like the peach or the cherry yogurt? Oh, you would like blueberry, luckily we have that. Can you help me plan the next order of yogurt flavors?5. Respect. Be respectful of the emotional strain and social impact of this moment in time. Adults have a lot more strategies and ways to cope. Model the behavior you value. Speak with your child calmly and respectfully. Do not match the offered drama, it takes the excitement out of their deliberate attempt to frustrate the adult. 6. Empathize. When you are not in the heat of the emotion, acknowledge that there has been a lot of changes and limits for everyone. (Remember freedom of movement and freedom of choice) That everyone is missing friends and play. What kinds of play or activities would they like you to support? Work out a plan and then follow through. Children are sensitive to the uncertainty.7. Nurture. Remember that feeling you had when you fell in love with your child. Tap into that feeling and be nurturing and kind. The relationship is the foundation for well-being.8. Humor. It is the antidote to all that ails us, parent and child. For more information, please refer to the website for our new nonprofit organization, The Parent Venture, https://www.parentventure.org/  

    You mentioned you have a baby in the house. That combined with the disruption in her usual routine due to the covid lockdowns seems like it would be enough to cause a lot of behavioral changes, much like you describe. It sounds like she’s got a lot going on for a little one. You might check out Janet Lansbury’s podcasts and look for stuff about covid, new baby, and maybe whining. Lansbury’s work with toddlers and the years beyond is excellent, and you might find something that resonates with your situation. 

    I think it can be normal. But I think you can also improve the situation if you are willing to put some time and energy into it. I think you spend a lot of time with that baby and she resents it. It seems as though you are always telling her what to do and trying to control her. Take a few minutes every day for a positive interaction. Let her choose from several possibilities: read a book. take a walk,  play a game. Then spend more time (an hour?) once a week. Just the two of you. Let her choose: go to the park, ride bikes, work in the garden. Just the two of you. Let the baby cry. 

    Try letting her make some "decisions." Do you want to get ready for bed now, or in ten minutes? Do you want hot or cold cereal for breakfast. In the evening, let her choose what to wear for the next day, and let her wear it to bed. Then you don't have to fight about clothes in the morning. 

    She really needs your love and attention. Please find a way to show her you care. 

    A friend of mine told me something when my child was young that I found very helpful. She said that kids act the worst when they need you most. I am not an expert, I am simply offering you some observations as a mother who is on the other side of this.  It sounds like there are a couple of things going on. You don't say how old your daughter is, you said she was great when she was three, but what you describe sounds partially developmental. My daughter was very difficult at four and kids in that age range can really be challenging, even more so than toddlers. You are not going to get relief until at least 7-8. Before then they really have very little ability to be reasoned with. The other things that stood out is that you have a new baby, that she is not the same with teachers and she was not like this before covid. It seems like she is crying out to you, to her family, for more individual time and attention. Her world has been turned upside down by all of these things. Pretending this is not happening and walking away is making the situation so much worse. She is telling you "I don't want to be alone" because she is desperate for your undivided attention. You are giving her commands, "get dressed" when she wants you to actually engage with her, undistracted, to pick out an outfit and help her get dressed, whether or not she can actually do it herself is irrelevant. She doesn't want to go to bed because she wants to be alone with you, without the baby. Children need sooooo much time and energy and it is exhausting, but you can do this.  Try to put yourself in her shoes.

    So sorry for what seems to be an exhausting predicament. Have you considered having your daughter work with a child psychologist? When my twins were toddlers one had severe separation anxiety. Per her kindergarten teacher’s recommendation, my husband agreed our daughter see a psychologist. Our daughter was seen for play therapy by Dr. Fortunee Kayra Stuart (https://www.google.com/search?q=dr+fortunee+kayra+stuart&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#lkt=overview&trex=m_t:lcl_akp,rc_f:nav,rc_ludocids:16475370491290225290,rc_q:Fortunee%2520Kayra-Stuart%252C%2520Ph.D.%2520Licensed%2520Psychologist,ru_q:Fortunee%2520Kayra-Stuart%252C%2520Ph.D.%2520Licensed%2520Psychologist,trex_id:qqLXAe). She worked with out daughter for 18 months. There were sessions that included all four of us so Dr. Stuart could help us be better parents (is what she’d tell my daughter). She’d also include her twin in sessions bi-weekly to observe their interactions. Dr. Stuart has tremendous experience working with children. Dr. Stuart also works for the courts for all manner of child related court custody, etc. cases. My daughter eventually overcame her separation anxiety and evolved into a confident and secure child. This outcome exceeded our expectations. My girls are now 20YO full time college students and thriving. I’m so grateful for Dr. Stuart’s extensive experience, knowledge and wisdom. She’s a gem! Good luck and be hopeful for a positive outcome. 

    Sounds like she could be trying to get attention because you now have a baby. She might need some special targeted big girl time with each parent doing things babies can't do.

    I don’t have any answers to this because I have found myself in the same boat lately. I am really hoping it’s a phase...? Sorry not to have any advice but if you want to chat via phone, Zoom or text and vent about our ridiculous 4-year-olds with no judgement, let me know!

    For us, the evidence-based Kazdin method, and the book "Parenting the Defiant Child", really worked. In a nutshell: define for your kid, in great specificity, what constitutes a tiny step forward, and praise like crazy when she accomplishes it. (E.g. "It's amazing that you picked out your shirt and put it on all by yourself - let me tell everyone and put on the happy music for a happy dance - I'm so proud").The Kazdin team got kicked out of their offices because they were praising kids so loudly it disturbed the other therapists. 

    I feel your pain. My son went through the whiniest period when he was younger and I thought I was going to lose my mind. Here's 3 things that helped:

    1) Know that every child goes through a difficult period. An older person told me that nobody escapes the Terrible Twos. If you don't have them at 2, then you have them at 3, and if not, then at 4.  No parent is exempt from this difficult period, but there are things you can do to make it better. 

    2) Before you can correct your child's behavior, you need to meet her needs. Your child is signaling to you that her needs are not met. You didn't elaborate, but reading between the lines, it sounds like you just had a new baby, you moved houses (to your parents), you took your daughter out of her regular preschool, and like everyone else, you are reeling in the midst of a pandemic. Your daughter is very stressed, and what stresses children out more than anything is the feeling that their parents are emotional unavailable. Children have a radar that picks up whenever their parent is emotionally withdrawing (from anger, from annoyance, from being busy), and it FREAKS them out. I have seen it so many times it's impossible to miss: the whiniest children are the ones whose parents want them out of their hair. I know it's hard, but you must must must hide your annoyance from your child. You need to give her some one-on-one time, be emotionally and mentally present. You need to hug and kiss her. When she shrieks that she doesn't want to be alone, you need to cuddle her and reassure her that she's never alone, you will always be there for her. For me, this was a lightbulb moment. When my then 2-3 year old dissolved into whines and tears, instead of scolding him or giving him the angry silent treatment (which made things infinitely worse), I sat down and hugged him. Which brings me to my third point.... 

    3) Your child has unmet needs but she's asking for them in the wrong way. So once you have somewhat met her basic emotional needs, you need to correct the way she asks for attention. For me, after I hugged my son and reassured him, I told him that his behavior was unacceptable. If he was upset he could use his words and come ask for a hug, but after the hug, if he continued to tantrum, he was going to be sent to time out. After that, it was just a matter of being super consistent. If he was upset, I reminded him to use his words and gave him a hug if he asked for a hug. If he whined for something, I wouldn't give it to him or pretended not to hear (without appearing to give him the cold shoulder--yes it's hard), until the minute he asked for it in his normal voice, then I immediately gave it to him. If he threw a massive tantrum he was counted to 3 and sent to time out. The main thing is not to cave in and reward the negative behavior--don't reward your daughter while she's whining, otherwise she knows that if she whines a lot, she will eventually wear you down and get what she wants. By this I mean physical things (like screen time, or a snack). I hope she won't have to whine for attention anymore after you have focused on giving her more loving attention.

    My son is now 9 and is a joy to be around. It does get better. Good luck!

    I am no expert at all, but when reading your words it sounds to me like your daughter desperately wants to connect with you at a deep level. I can imagine that the changes with Covid on top of a new sibling could make her feel quite disoriented and in need of knowing her mommy loves her and will be there to help keep her safe in this changing world.

    That said, I also have immense empathy for you! Whining is a killer.

    Though some of the suggestions might seem beyond what you can do right now, new baby and all, I highly recommend the book Joyful Toddlers by Faith Collins. My son is younger than your daughter (and tends to do more high-pitched screaming than whining) but this book has helped us so much – not all of it immediate, but with consistency the changes in both my son and myself and my husband have been profound, almost like magic.

    Since you probably don't have time to read, it is available on Audible (though a slightly "scripted" reader I find easier to listen to at 1.2x speed). 

    Wishing you and your family the best, and looking forward to reading what others advise.

    I am so sorry for your struggle. All I can say is that we’re in it together- I don’t have any friends who have a kid with the same cluster of issues, but reading your post feels very familiar. What makes my daughter so baffling is how objectively wonderful she is when she is in between moments of just intense screaming, whining, tantrum throwing. But the amount of energy I spend avoiding her or being irritated or angry...it’s just awful and exhausting. I did have success feeling  comforted by posting to a parenting blog and having parents with older kids say that they’d been through something similar when their kid was a preschooler, “and now she’s a lovely teenager” etc. I cling to the hope that I won’t always dislike my child. My girl is also a big sister - that’s got to be key, right? Best wishes to you, and to all of us.

    Wow, I’m really sorry your family is going through such a hard time. How old is she? Have you had her assessed for ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, or anything like that? Sounds like you all could use professional help, at least for you to be able to figure out how to approach caring for her with compassion. Good luck. 

    I'm sorry I forgot to mention, she's 4 years and 2 months old!

  • I do not mean to offend anyone.

    We have strictly adhered to social distancing. I have not even taken kids out for a walk and we rely 100% on contactless delivery.

    When I tend to the front yard, I wear a mask.

    I am sad that my kid learned to ride a bike a week before the SIP order and his shiny new bike is sitting in the garage. He’s wobbly and isn’t a proficient rider yet. He keeps asking when he can go out and ride his bike again...
     

    We used to go to a local elementary school to practice riding. I think it’s closed now.

    Is there a good place to go to practice bike riding in Oakland/Berkeley/Alameda or do we just need to be more patient?

    We don’t have flat streets in our neighborhood to practice riding. Seriously regretting buying a house on a hill...

    Just walking around my neighborhood the past few weeks I've seen a few places that would be good for little kid bike riding but you'd probably need to park nearby and walk over with the bikes. The Claremont hotel is closed right now and their lower parking area is accessible to little kids on bikes - I saw some there today. There's a small employee lot in front and a larger one in back near the tennis courts. There are a lot of paved plazas on the UC Berkeley campus - maybe look on google maps for likely spots. Clark Kerr campus has some open areas near where the Cal Youth camps were held. Saw some tricycles and scooters there. Good luck!

    I would try Kensington Park (there is a small circular track excellent for learning how to ride, or empty basketball court), or one of many empty parking lots at various schools, etc. As long as you keep distance, you should give you intrepid bike rider a welcome respite from the long and difficult time at home. Good luck!

    There are many nearly empty parking lots to choose from - the BART stations, shopping areas, etc. Basketball courts are a good option too. There are several streets closed to through traffic in Oakland as well and those are decent options. I have seen some people in Berkeley put up signs in the street that kids are playing to “soft close” the block so their kids can practice riding in the street - not legal, but effective and frankly a better use of street space at this point.

    If you’re serious about physical distancing, I would not recommend the Bay Trail, Ohlone Greenway, or popular parks. Many people are still using those and they do not distance (and many are still not wearing masks either). Nor would I recommend sidewalks, they are too narrow for proper distancing. I’ve been taking my kids on residential streets in Berkeley and Oakland, but they were solid riders before the shelter in place started. I really wish Berkeley would soft close some streets like Oakland is doing to create an abundance of space for kids to walk and bike where there isn’t crowding. But the city doesn’t seem interested. 

    Some people are using BART parking lots (Rockridge, North Berkeley).  It might be too crowded, then again, skateboard parks are reopening, so there might be more space for bicycle riding kids!  It's great to hear that!

    Also, I walk by golden gate fields--they have a huge parking lot.  No cars allowed, but I see bike riders going through there.  It's not very crowded. 

    good luck!!!

    I've taken my daughter to the MLK shorelin epark near the oakland airport and also the middle harbor shoreline park near the port of oakland. Both are pretty flat and great for learning to ride a bike. Also there wasn't a lot of people so social distancing was easy. The caveat was that this was a month ago when the weather wasn't as nice as it is now.

    The Rockridge BART station parking lot is blissfully empty and a great place for beginning riders. Sometimes there are skateboarders/riders using the lower half, but the upper half has always been empty when we're there.

    I think BART parking lots especially North Berkeley could work also perhaps school parking lots could work. In regards to SIP it is fine and encouraged for kids to get outside to run, play, ride scooter etc. They need that. 

    You could try the DMV parking lot after 5 pm, and that overflow parking lot at the Claremont Hotel is a great idea (it's on Tunnel Rd). Also, here is a map of closed streets in Oakland, which we've been walking, jogging, and biking on. Depending on time of day, they can be pretty deserted: https://www.arcgis.com/home/webmap/viewer.html?webmap=b2f8989fdb514d2fb511067a11ad65f0&extent=-122.2896,37.8028,-122.2366,37.83

    We have had good luck bike riding and scootering at office building parking lots in our neighborhood. In fact, our daughter really prefers the open space of a parking lot to paved paths and tracks that require more precise steering.

    We've been walking to a local church's parking lot. We go early in the day and never see anyone else there (except once, an employee of the church stopped by to pick up mail or something and yelled out that she was happy to see us there). 

    We go to Kensington Hilltop School and to 1000 Oaks School to ride. We wear masks.

    We've been doing stroller pushing sessions with my toddler out near Almanac/Bladium in Alameda.  It's EMPTY. Like post-apocalypse empty.

    If you have a car to get out there, it's super easy, but buses are still running out there as well.

    Cesar Chavez is nice because it's fairly contained.

    Lots of young kids and parents ride in the north Berkeley Bart parking lot.  They are quiet and empty for making big loops.  Lots of space for social distancing.  

    I've seen families riding & scootering in front of Studio One near OakTech.  And 42nd St is blocked off for peds & bicycles.  Also West St in W-Oak.

    I agree with the posts re: empty office parking lots. Other places we've been to recently are:

    1) the Cal campus, which is huge, largely unoccupied and has lots of bike paths and parking lots that aren't being used; and

    2) Tilden Park, where numerous roads and lots are blocked off. Lake Anza Road and the Lake Anza parking lot are both blocked off, and there is convenient parking at the Merry Go Round. The Little Farm parking lot is also closed to cars, and there are spots to park just outside of the gates.  

    Aquatic Park is a great place for kids learning to ride. After they get proficient enough to steer and keep clear, there is the Bay Trail nearby. I am there every Sunday and there are lots of family groups, and solitary riders, of course.

    Head over to the Cal Campus. It’s quite empty but open. The plaza in front of Zellerbach Hall and Sproul Plaza are two large flat places to practice. Also many wide paths on campus with few pedestrians right now. It’s perfectly legal to exercise outdoors under the current order. We take our kids out for walks or bike rides every day. Please don’t feel bad about doing it!

    Go down by the marina--there are huge empty parking lots that are great for bike riding for kiddos! 

    Bella Vista Park in Oakland has a circular green surrounded by an asphalt pathway. I'm not sure how much use it has been getting, though.

    Middle Harbor Shoreline Park has long, flat stretches of pathway with beautiful views of San Francisco, and hardly anyone around--probably because the grass is covered in goose poop always. But it's ideal for little bike riders.

    Most church parking lots in my North Oakland neighborhood are closed, and there are much BIGGER empty parking lots if you take 24 to the Orinda exit, turn right and just head down Moraga Way. At both Holy Shepherd and St Mark's, I've seen a couple of kids at a time riding around.

    I went for a picnic on the UC Campus last Sunday off Bancroft Avenue near Hertz Hall.  There were lots of parents teaching their kids to ride.  It's the part of the campus across from Cafe Roma at the end of College.  It was wonderful to watch the kids take off.

    Have you tried the old naval base in Alameda, lots of open, flat space. What about the parking lot by Golden Gate Fields? Bay Trail? All are great options. 

    Schools should be closed and locked.  They fear large thefts and vandalism.  Try the Berkeley Marina of Golden Gate Fields.  

    Thanks for wearing a mask and keeping your distance.  This is something we all need to be doing.

    Head out to the end of distillery row at the naval base in Alameda. There is a killer open paved area where can kids can rip around freely 

    Alameda is a great place to go bike riding.  The whole island is flat.  We're on the east end, and the streets are empty enough to practice social distancing easily.  I go jogging every day in the neighborhood, and the side streets have very few cars on them these days so it seems to me a safe place for kids to practice riding.

    I taught my kids to ride on a gentle hill at UC Berkeley. The campus isn't completely empty but when I walked through last week there were few people and lots of safe wide paved areas without cars.

    Try the parking lot at Little Farm in Tilden. It's blocked off, but there is parking along the street and I've seen kids practicing biking, roller skating, etc. in the blocked off parking lot. It's large, flat and paved. Just no bathrooms so be prepared!  I've also seen people making use of BART parking lots and UC Berkeley parking lots.  The are some above the Lawrence Hall of Science and various ones sprinkled throughout the campus that might work too.  Good luck!

    I'm not sure where you are located but Emerson in Oakland is still open and great for riding. Also, have you checked out Oakland's 'Slow Streets?'

    https://www.oaklandca.gov/projects/oakland-slow-streets

    Our daughter was maybe a little further along than your son (pretty confident riding around a playground but very scared of cars so hadn't ridden on city streets). We've actually found SIP to be a great opportunity to teach her how to ride on the street with fewer cars. Oakland is blocking off more and more streets and we are able to get to one of them by riding about 10 blocks from our house, but you could also just drive to the nearest one and bring your bikes. There are still occasional cars and you have to stop for cross traffic but in the space of a few weeks our kid has become fairly comfortable sharing the road with cars as well. We bike 4-5 days a week and it's been a pretty amazing transformation. Not everyone out there is wearing masks but our whole family does. I highly recommend checking one or both of these out.

    Go to the parking lot of a closed business. I know there’s an empty large parking lot at Planet Fitness at MacDonald Ave. And King Middle school in Berkeley is open from 11AM-1PM Mon/Wed/Fri for food distribution. Lots of space there to socially distance and ride a bike. Good luck!

    8th and Virginia, basketball courts, lots of parking on street

  • My daughter's birthday party got cancelled this spring (like many many others) and she is understandably very sad over it.  Family is sending gifts to open on her birthday over video conference and she will get a song from family over video conference but it is not the same.  I want to get her a gift or several to make the birthday more special since she cannot get her normal big party and won't get the usual many gifts from friends. Any ideas of something special to get an 8 year old girl to cheer her up.  I want something more special than usual but as our usual gifts are outings or tickets to shows/event (which are no longer an option now and I don't want her to wait unknown amount of time to get to enjoy her gift) I cannot think of anything to get her now and she is not really into any of her toy sets so adding to a collection is not an option either. She has a lot of activities continuing over zoon and is over it so adding another cool activity over zoom is not an option.  I was considering getting her own ipad but not sure I want to have the argument about limiting screen-time when the device is hers though her own device is tempting with all the school work lately and i cannot think of anything else.  I know this is such a first world problem at this point but I really want to cheer up my little girl on her birthday.  Any ideas?  I know many birthday parties are cancelled so figured others might have done something special as well and maybe there is something big I'm missing. 

    I have a baby so not sure what the best present would be, but I read this and felt for your girl. I'm imagining transforming a room into another world (under the sea, fairy woodland, tropical luau, a scene from her favorite movie) with party decorations bought online and thematic takeout food, then have a scavenger/treasure hunt with a few small gifts leading up to one larger gift. Maybe something she can personalize so it still feels like an experience? Customized Keds, 'create your own' American Girl doll, a charm bracelet.

    You could also ask her friends & family to record little birthday messages sharing one of their favorite things about her and play these throughout the day. It'd be a keepsake when she's older and remembering how crazy this whole time was.

    Do you have space for something like a bounce house or trampoline?  A gift that offers a fun energetic break from all of the on-screen school time might feel special.  If she has some special friends you could ask the parents for a birthday "parade" where the kids drive or walk by your house (respecting 6 ft distance rules of course) holding signs and singing happy birthday.  Don't be afraid to ask - the other kids would probably love it too!  Finally, my kid's best friend had a zoom birthday party and all of the friends sent a gift the week before the zoom party where the birthday child opened all the presents.  I don't know where you are, but Five Little Monkeys is doing online orders and doorstep delivery.  There are also "quarantine birthday" t-shirts on Etsy - maybe it can help her feel like she belongs to a special club.  https://www.etsy.com/listing/798460961/kids-birthday-quarantined-shirt-custom?ga_order=most_relevant&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_search_query=birthday+t+shirt&ref=sr_gallery-1-4&bes=1&col=1

    Happy Birthday to your girl!  

    I find it sad that giving her a special event to do over Zoom isn't special enough so I'd encourage you to re-think that.   What about something like a guitar and some guitar lessons over Zoom or some other instrument?  What about talking with her about donating some money or toys in her name to more unfortunate 8 year olds?    I like the idea Jannan suggested about a theme room for a pretend day with a treasure hunt.   IClearly, you will need to talk with her about how so many kids are sad about their birthdays right now and she's not alone in that.   I know that it hurts to see one's child hurting and I think it's also OK and even important for them to experience disappointment.   Life is not about always getting everything one wants, unfortunately.   Maybe talk with her about how to make it the most special day possible given the circumstances.   Happy Birthing day to you!  

    My friends made a treasure hunt for their daughter. The treasure hunt was in their house, and every time she solved one clue, she found the name of a friend/family member, who she then had to call to get the next clue - this made it more social and fun!

    I'm sorry you're having to deal with this - it's a tough question. My instinct as the mother of my own 8yo would be that just buying a big-ticket item isn't going to address the underlying sadness/disappointment, which I'd guess is probably more about not having a celebration than not getting a ton of presents. The novelty of any shiny new thing you buy is going to wear off just like the Zoom activities and toy sets she's not interested in. A few suggestions: Other people I know in this situation have had friends decorate their yard or do a drive-by party or a socially-distanced street dance party. Or you might ask everyone to make a card or artwork and mail it to her - getting paper mail is still kind of a big deal when you're 8. Hang up all the cards around the house and celebrate her. If you have time (I know we're all navigating work and school and everything else), maybe give her a gift of a project that the two of you could work on together - planting a garden, or decorating a doll house, or making a fairy garden, or building a robot, whatever she'd be into. Time with you is valuable and unique. Or see if a grandparent or friend could give her cooking or crafting lessons virtually, sharing their knowledge, helping her build a new skill, having some facetime. My kid is really into acquiring new skills and being self-sufficient right now - even if it's just making a sandwich, he feels really proud of his accomplishments. My last idea is to maybe make a promise for an event you could attend or a day trip you could take once restrictions are over, and then giving her a book or a craft or something else related to that event that she can do at home now - for example, if you were planning a trip to the zoo, sign up for virtual zookeeper visits like the Oakland Zoo is doing, or get her some books about animals or a subscription to Ranger Rick or whatever her interests are. Use the delay as an opportunity to build excitement and knowledge that will enhance the eventual outing. Good luck!

    Get the iPad! We got my 6 y/o "his own" iPad for Xmas and it's actually gone quite well, in terms of screen time, limit-setting, etc. And we're glad he has it now with all the distance learning and new apps and zoom dates - it's great, actually. If you're still hesitant, how about a puppy? Everyone is home, lots of time to train and bond... or a kitten, or a bunny, or hamster... you get the idea. :)

    Have you heard about the "birthday parades" taking place?  Her friends who would have come to the party, relatives, etc. could drive by in cars at about the same time.  Kids can hang signs out the windows, make noise, sing happy birthday?  You could get cupcakes, keeping them in the bakery boxes, and have a table set up where the kids can come out of their cars and pick up a cupcake one at a time.  If they have presents they could drop them off.   I thought about doing this for my daughter who just had her birthday without a party, but didn't get organized in time.  It would take some coordination with the other families, but could lift her spirits.  

    It is a disappointing thing to have a birthday party cancelled, so I think it's OK to let your daughter be sad over it. Don't waste this golden teaching moment. It's better for children to face minor disappointments and learn how work through them when they are young, so when they are older and meet real, more serious disappointments, they won't be knocked down by them. You can ask your daughter what makes her the most sad about missing the party--is it seeing her friends? Is it the feeling of being special that day? Is it the fun activity that was going to be at the party? Is it the presents? Then talk about which of these things are actually the most important (hint: it's not the presents, it's the people) and how you don't need a party to celebrate those important things. You can also talk about how people around the world are facing huge, real, serious, disappointments nowadays (like death of a loved one, loss of a job, illness), and you can think about how you can help others who are also disappointed, Maybe you can take some of the money you were going to spend on the party and donate it to a food bank, or buy some gift certificates from a struggling restaurant and give it out to people in need. This teaches your daughter to turn outwards when she feels sad, instead of focusing on herself and her sadness. Her feelings of sadness help her empathize with others and that is a very important skill to nurture. Giving her an excessively large gift at this time doesn't really teach her the right lesson, and I agree with you, DON'T buy her an iPad! My son just missed a big birthday party too, so we did some fun activities at home, and I surprised him with a Zoom call with his cousins from around the world (all 7 of them!) and we played a giant game of Drawful 2. It was SO fun. I know your daughter doesn't really like Zoom, but we found the game really fun and interactive. It takes a little tinkering to set it up via zoom, and be sure to set up family friendly controls. Happy Birthday to your little one!

    She the perfect age for a micro kick scooter. They are fun and active but with 3 wheels do more stable and turn by leaning like a skate board. 

    My son just had his birthday in mid-April, so we struggled with the same dilemna... he is 4, so I know our experience is a bit different. Even though he wasn't able to enjoy his brithday with friends and family, we were able to do several things which made it an extra special/memorable day:

    • I hid presents for him in various locations in the house and gave him a treasure map so he could find them all.
    • We made his birthday cake together! He loved it, and has been talking about it ever since.
    • I discovered Radish Kids (https://www.raddishkids.com/) which sends out monthly cooking boxes. Ours took about a week to arrive, and so we opened it up on my son's birthday and cooked a special meal together.

    The options are definitely limited during Shelter In Place, but I think if you can do an unusual activity with her at home, or even just spend extra time together, it can end up being one of her favorite birthdays ever!

    I did break down and buy our kids the iPad Air and an Apple Pencil to complete their school work. One kid is the same age as your daughter (turning 8 soon) and he is super excited. This is despite our setting up strict parental controls and time limits on the device and requiring all school work to be completed before any games are unlocked. The pencil is great because he can write directly on the many PDFs coming home for school (no printing and scanning) plus he can color and draw on the free coloring and drawing apps which is super fun. If you’re considering something functional for your sanity and that will be super exciting for your daughter and the iPad is in your budget, it’s a good gift. Even if you set up lots of restrictions around it.

    If you want something that is not a device that kids are super excited about, I would recommend a hammock - you can hang it indoors to studs if you don’t have any outdoor space. Our ENO DoubleNest hammock with the Atlas suspension system is extremely portable and easy to hang anywhere with trees or posts (the 7 yr old can do it). If you want to hang it indoors you just need to add some metal carabiners and anchors to studs in your wall. ENO sells a “hammock hanging kit” with metal hardware for hanging indoors. We’ve had our hammock for a while and it is well loved by all children at the park, when we camp, etc. We’ve had it out for the whole shelter in place, and it’s still getting used every day by the kids and parents too.
     

    Wishing your daughter a happy birthday!

    I’m so sorry, my daughter is 8 also, this is tough.

    A friend of hers is turning 8 in a few days and her Mom sent out a request a few weeks ago for friends/teachers/family/etc to send over a short video birthday message that she is compiling into a movie for her daughters bday. I thought this was super sweet and we enjoyed making the video to send her. Not the same as an in person birthday but very sweet. I think it will be a fun day for all of you, acknowledging her sadness and staying positive will really help too. :)
     

    I was also going to suggest the custom American Girl doll -- if she likes AG dolls. If she's more into small dolls there are some very talented people on Etsy who do OOAK (one of a kind) Barbies and similar size dolls. I know some kids really get a kick out of having a "mini me." If she's interested in learning an instrument maybe this is the time for a special-looking smaller sized guitar? I'm not a guitarist, but I know there are some smaller ones that are still full sized in terms of sound. Lots come in pretty colors, etc. I'm sure someone more knowledgeable could advise you. If she likes Taylor Swift, for instance, maybe she'd think it was cool to learn to play and write songs? Anyway, I really feel for you, and hope you settle on something she loves.

    What a good parent you are!  Birthday parties are a big part of our lives. My kids always had two parties each, one with our family and one with friends. The first thing that came to mind you might both enjoy; if you don’t already have one maybe you could order a sewing machine online and sew together (blankets, superhero capes) My now grown daughter knows how to sew, we are making masks together for donation to local healthcare workers. 

    Our sons birthday is next week and the idea of skipping it broke my heart. So while we can't have a traditional party or go out to any of his favorite places. We decided to surprise him and turn some rooms into different activity stations based on some of his favorite things. For example I found a disco light and glow sticks to create a dance party, filled a room full of balloons, a cooking challenge and an indoor obstacle course. I'm sure your daughter will have a great birthday!

    I just celebrated my daughter's 8th birthday and we did a the floral hoop photo shoot, lots of balloons and an art project on evite video chat with a few friends.  www.mydarlingparty.com

    In case you haven't seen it, 510 Families put together a post with ideas for celebrating birthdays in quarantine that might be useful: https://www.510families.com/virtual-birthday-parties

    I know you said no Zoom.  But this might be different enough.  Does she like to bake?  How about a Zoom workshop where she and her friends learn how to bake amazing bagels.  Just a thought.  I teach that workshop.  Laurie

  • Hi BPN folks, hope everyone is finding ways to stay safe, healthy and supportive/be supported in this crazy time. Up until now, I have not really 'questioned' how I was explaining the pandemic to my toddler and preschool kids. I have been saying that there is a virus and that a lot of people are falling sick, so we must wash our hands and be careful not to touch our faces. Sometimes they will catch a glimpse of the news if I have it on, but I try not to have it on too much in their presence (anyway, they already get a lot of screen time these days!). When they clamor to go outside or see their friends, I tell them we have to stay home because a lot of people are sick (it's a bit like a broken record). When they see me with a mask outside, I tell them this is so that other people won't get sick. However, I have a friend who has chosen not to tell her school-age kids anything (they are all under 9) because they get very worked up and anxious - a choice that obviously fit her family better. It also prompted me to wonder though - how are other people managing to explain to their children what is going on and the reasons for the huge adjustments they've had to make? How do you balance telling a child about grave matters and the fear/anxiety that would surely arise from that? I have not noticed a huge difference in the behavior of my kids, but I just wonder what they must be thinking/feeling.

    I just saw something in the New York Times on this topic - when I went to look for it, I found lots of resources online (including videos). I'm not sure this was the article I was thinking of but it gives you an idea

    https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/17/parenting/coronavirus-kids-talk.html

    Our oldest is not quite 3 yet so we've been keeping it super bare bones. He already knew that "germs make you sick" and we've been telling him that we can't play on the playground, hug grandma, etc because we don't want to share germs so that no one gets sick. We have told him that there are a lot of germs right now, and when there are less germs we can go back to the playground, etc. I'm not sure he gets it, but he has stopped asking as many questions. I'm a little worried about what sort of ideas we're giving him generally about germs and human contact -- will he be forever afraid of getting too close to people? -- but we'll have to cross that bridge when we come to it. 

    This is very child specific and how ready they are to handle this emotionally.  I told my kids the truth since they are elementary and preschool aged and answered all their questions.  My preschool-aged one knows that there is a bad virus out there and that we are trying to keep us safe and keeping the grandparents safe and that is why he cannot go to their house now.  My elementary aged kids understand a bit more and asked about their chance of catching it and whether the elderly grandparents are at risk of dying and we told them their grandparents are at a much higher risk but are staying safe and that is why we cannot see them and do all their shopping for them, so hopefully grandparents will be ok.  They are a bit worried about elderly family members, but once they were reassured that even though there is risk grandparents are being very careful, are not saying that at least this means that they no longer need to go to school as they are loving this being at home time, and otherwise seem happy and ok emotionally.  I knew my kids will be ok which is why I shared a lot of details, but i would not have done it if I suspected that my kids will be weighed down by the worry over it and would be having a hard time dealing with the information. 

    https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/05/childhood-in-an-anxious-age/609079/

    advances the theory that avoiding things that cause anxiety in the short term will cause more anxiety in the long term.

    I have a 5 year old and a 2.5 year old. The 2.5 year old we haven't really talked to that much, except to tell him we need to wash hands, etc, to protect ourselves from the virus. The 5 year old has a lot more questions. Similarly to your family, we've talked about virus making people sick, what we need to do to protect ourselves, why everything is closed and the things we'll do "once the sick is gone." His teachers at his preschool also talked about it some as they were closing and have talked about it more on their video calls.

    I'm surprised that your friend can successfully keep the information from her children. Do they not ask questions about why school is closed, they can't go to parks and the like? And if they interacting with others it would seem like it would come up.

    My kids are four and seven years old, and I've taken pretty much the same approach as you. We don't watch TV news, so they haven't been exposed to that, but we do discuss our concerns in front of the kids. They are not showing any signs of anxiety and are content with our current situation. They think that hanging out with mom and dad at home all the time is pretty fun! I believe that your friend's approach is more likely to create anxiety. The kids will pick up on the fact that something scary is going on, but they will think it's so scary that their parents won't even discuss it and that they aren't allowed to express their concerns. It's impossible that they are unaware of what's going on. My children's teachers had told them about it before schools closed, and all the kids were talking about it.

    I had been approaching it the same way as you with my 4.5 year old, however in the past week or so my son has all of a sudden been refusing walks and getting anxious if we leave the house. I was surprised as I didn't think we were being overly dramatic about it or frankly talking about it much at all, but they are so perceptive. Would love tips as well on how to address anxiety in young kids around this topic.