Parents' Anxiety about Starting Preschool
Parent Q&A
Archived Q&A and Reviews
related page: Adjusting to Preschool
April 2004
For many, many months now, I've been excited about my one and only starting preschool. She'll be 2 years + 5 months old when she starts in June (3 full days a week). I have no doubts about the school we've chosen for her and the care she will receive there.
But now that I've actually submitted the application and deposit, I'm having all sorts of anxiety and fears!! Any advice from you parents out there about how to deal with this? I'm fretting over things like will the teacher comfort her when she cries? What if she doesn't eat her lunch? Will she go hungry all day? Who's going to watch her on the playground?
Please, no suggestions about delaying preschool (currently she watches a lot of videos all day with her grandparents). I just need advice about how to deal with my neurosis and what would help *ME* adjust!
Nervous Mama
From my experience with my now 3 1/2 year daughter, you couldn't have picked a better age to start your child in preschool. Right at 2 1/2 my daughter went through a huge developmental leap that required her to interact independantly with other kids and adults. I am a stay at home Mom and I never would have guessed how much being away with others would be critical at that age. As for your concerns about her eating or playground supervision, I found that my daughter is much more self sufficient in a preschool situation than she ever is/was at home. She eats, naps, plays safely, plays nicely etc. far more than when I am there to watch her. Your best reassurance will come when your daughter LOVES her new school - There may be an ajustment period when she cries when she is left, etc. but I don't know any kids that ultimately didn't love playing with other kids in a structured environment. It will be a wonderful alternative to grandma's for her. Congratulations for finding a school that you have so much confidence in and giving your daughter this opportunity. jac
I could have written your post! Our son, 2 yrs and 5 mos, is starting preschool next week for 2 half-days a week. I am feeling very anxious as well. Is it possible for your daughter to start with half-days (you mentioned that she's with her grandparents during the day now-- could they continue to babysit in the afternoons?)? I guess I am preparing myself by accepting the fact that there will be an adjustment period (up to 2 months, maybe?) and that I will probably leave him there in tears every morning for awhile. Ugh, it sounds horrible. And then also, I think of the babies and 1-year-olds and 2-year-olds that spend hours away from their parents and actually love their daycares, preschools and teachers. That's what I'm hoping for. I can't wait the read the other responses to your post! anon
After lots of work to attend open houses, think about what would be best for my child, what to apply to, applications, hoping that we would have at least some options, I ended up feeling quite ambivalent, not necessarily anxious about my daughter going to preschool. For me, I decided, it was 2 things. First, a feeling of being a little bit sad that my child is growing up, into this next phase... some sadness for her babyhood. She is currently in childcare 4 days a week so it wasn't separation from me, just an end of a phase of life.... Secondly, a bit of a let down, that after all that work, I wasn't totally thrilled with the options. Maybe these same things are leading to your concern? Margaret
Hearts Leap is a preschool that has a very loving, attachment-focused approach to caregiving. Could be a good option!
My son was with me exclusively til he was 15 months old (so a different situation) but I was also worried about his transition to part-time daycare, and the provider suggested I take him there to play before dropping him off. It was over the summer during Covid so I wore a mask and we primarily played while the children were outside. The first time I took my son he clung to me and didn’t want to leave my lap. Then he gradually warmed up. We ended up visiting every day for two weeks, and then doing a trial drop off for 30 minutes and then a couple longer trial drop offs. I’m not sure if that whole process was necessary but by the time I did drop my son off it went incredibly smoothly and he didn’t even cry. Every child and situation is different but I felt this worked for us. Good luck!
Not exactly the same situation as you, but I'm also a fan of Janet Lansbury and RIE and also spent a significant time as my daughter's sole caregiver before she turned 2 - she was with me at home until age 1, then had a nanny she adored for 6 months until COVID forced us to end the nanny relationship, leaving her home with me and my husband while we attempted to continue working, and then we started at a preschool in September right as she turned 2. We decided to send her for the full day and I was worried how she'd do since she's never had a regular playgroup or anything even remotely like a daycare or school setting. There were a couple of things the school did that I think helped tremendously with the transition, and maybe you could ask for something similar. First, they sent a teacher to each new child's house the week before we started, for an outdoor, masked meet-and-greet, and the teacher brought a stuffed animal that my daughter would be able to recognize in the classroom on her first day (to this day we still hear about "puppy"!). Then they had a 30-minute window the day before school started for her to come into the classroom with both parents, see all the fun toys, and meet the teachers (no other kids were there at the same time). On the first day she barely looked back when we did the curbside dropoff, which we hadn't practiced before. Was not phased at all by the masks and was perfectly fine keeping hers on all day. I was shocked! She didn't nap for a couple of days but by day 3 or 4 she was napping at school. I know every kid is different so I hope you have a smooth transition and that your daughter loves school! :)
We parent our 2.5 year old also following RIE, and though a different situation, I recently consulted my friend who is a clinical psychologist specializing in attachment, transitions, and trauma, to chat about some of my anxieties about my 2.5 year old going through a lot of transitions (caregivers, a hospitalization, and settings) beyond our control! I don't know if this helps at all, but my friend was quick to reassure me that if a child has a strong primary attachment (you!), other transitions and attachments (which will of course, still be hard) will come from that base attachment. And that these new challenges will build a healthy resilience. The counter example was heartbreaking studies of foster children without primary attachments, who then were unable to form strong attachments even with consistent school or daycare. Anyway, I'm not a psychologist myself, so I'm translating what I have heard, but I can assure you as a mom that my sensitive 2.5 year old has gone through a lot more transitions than I have wanted, but she's done great after each adjustment period (which for us has been about 2-3 weeks of more tantrums, sleep disruptions) and it's helped me to keep this bigger picture in mind. More practically, I would graduate that transition time if you can? Start with 1-2 hours, work up to the 5 over the course of a few days?
We are a RIE family too and I also sent my son to preschool around that age. The first week is tough on you and the child then you both start to adjust. The thing I found helpful was to think about how your child can handle this challenge. She will have lots of challenges in her life and you will be there to support her and comfort her but you don’t need to fix everything for her. That helped me that first week. I reminded myself that it is hard but my boy can do it and he did and he has been a self confident kid that loves school ever since! Good luck.
Hey there, I think i understand exactly where you are coming from. My son started preschool at 2 years + 2 months, and he always had a lot of difficulty separating from me (mom). His preschool was very kind and understanding, and one teacher in particular took on the special role of being his primary "person" there for him to bond with in the classroom. They were also OK with us spending some extra time with him at school in the mornings (the first week or so), like hours even. He went 3 days/wk for 9 hrs/day. That might not be allowed for you now, in Covid times; our current preschool doesn't allow parents past the doorway, so that's something to ask about.
Otherwise, I would do LOTS of prep with her - look up and read all the books that will be helpful. We used 'The Kissing Hand' all throughout preschool, and again now with my 2nd son. And finally, just know that some kids will have a hard time saying bye at preschool, for a lot longer than "normal". It's a bell curve. My son was sad (to varying degrees) at drop-off all thru his preschool years, and into elementary school. He isn't sad all day, he just has a hard time saying goodbye. It's just the way he's built. Good luck!
It has been a few years since our kids attended Broadway Children's School, starting with the two-year-old program.
At that time (it may still be operative), the two-year-olds had only two hours of separation from the parents. They got a bite-size dose of socialization, enough so they found friends they wanted to have play dates with. But it was not such a long stretch of time that anyone got fatigued and behaved badly.
The program included a "parents' meeting" with the school director for an hour or so, which was pleasant socialization for the moms (and occasional dads) as well. Meanwhile, the teachers were reinforcing hand-washing routines and singing songs with the children.
That IMHO describes an ideal situation.
Would it be possible to start with a two-hour "workday" for your little one, and gradually ramp up the time?
Some kids would be fine with five hours, others would not be.
We found, and I believe this is common, that after the moment of separation is concluded, most kids take an interest in the preschool and start to play and interact. If the child is really unhappy about being there, they will tell you clearly in words or actions.
Just a note RE the school side of things: Talk to them about what their procedures are for new students, if you haven't already. Our preschool won't just let parents of new students drop them off and leave on the first day; we had to spend quite a few days at the school with her to help her adjust (and this was for our child who had been in small daycare settings since she was 5 months old, so she was used to social situations similar to this). We felt like it was too much for us (she didn't attend for the whole day at first, and one of us stayed in the classroom at first, then in another room for a while with check-ins, etc etc), but it might be a good way to adjust a more sensitive kid, such as yours, to a really new environment. Good luck--preschool is awesome and so good for little kids!
If you would like insight into a RIE-friendly way of introducing your daughter to preschool, you could always talk to one of the wonderful RIE associates. Many of them do consulting, and many of the less known (but still good) ones might be easier to get an appointment with than Janet Lansbury. I took a parent/child class with Patty Ryan, based in the Bay Area, and she does consulting (https://www.twopillarsconsulting.com/). There are two others in the Bay Area that I don't have experience with, but who do consulting: Jennifer Doebler (https://forbabyandme.com/) and Christina Vlinder (http://www.respectfulcaregiving.org/). I have also consulted myself (several times!) with Wendy Kronick while taking a class with her. Good luck!
Lol actually I agree with your mom, with one refinement. (RIE principle of child's autonomy). Tell your daughter exactly what time you will be back (RIE principle of Predictable Environment). Of course she cannot tell time, but if you tell her "I will be back at 3:00," then she has something concrete to grasp on to instead of wondering for hours when you are coming. My daughter was in daycare/aftercare from 12 months until 11 years old (please don't judge, it was not by choice, we needed the income) and with very few exceptions I picked her up on the dot of 5:30 every day. To this day she says that was a gift because she always knew when I was coming and I never let her down. My daughter is sensitive but she loved preschool! Being around kids and books and toys and running around, it enhanced her sense of independence and curiosity. It was really a valuable time. For your daughter's sake, please don't overthink this or let her catch on to any nervous vibes. (RIE principle of trusting the child's competence.) You can apply most of the RIE principles to the act of you sending your daughter to preschool, whether or not the school follows all of the principles shouldn't be the point.
We are in a very similar situation. Full time me and the boy since birth. I’ve recently started reading books telling stories and talking a lot about going to school. Learning about it and talking about what might be expected has seemed to really help and he’s starting to become curious and asks about going. I plan on doing very short days in the beginning and see how it goes from there. Haven’t found the right fit yet but hopefully will feel comfortable starting soon! Good luck!
Actually, Janet DOES have a blog post about this, and the basic gist is that separation is mostly about the parents’ anxiety, not the kids’, and that your mom is right that a quick and firm goodbye is what your daughter needs from you: https://www.janetlansbury.com/2015/09/say-goodbye-child-school/
A few helpful quotes:
It might seem traumatic for him sometimes, but I don’t believe it’s traumatic so much as dramatic. He’s having a dramatic—not that it’s fake, but just this dramatic goodbye to somebody he adores so much. Let him have this. Let it be okay. Be the confident one. Trust your child to experience this process.
...
So we are the ones that add so much onto this rather than just accepting, “Yeah you really don’t want me to go. You’re holding onto me. I’m going to take your hand off my arm. I know, it’s really hard right now. I’ll see you when I get back. I love you. Goodbye.” Bravely going off, being brave for our kids because they need this from us to be able to handle new situations.