Any former durg addictics in the BPN? How do you kick you habit?
We have somewhat distant relative, 38 year old mom with 2 kids with a drug problem. She's been struggling on and off with drugs since high school but managed to get it together to attend college and land a decent job working for the sate of California. Things were really going well for her. Good relationship with the father of her kids and he was very good to kids. He also struggled with drugs and died from an OD about a year and a half ago. She started blamed herself, got back into drugs and became pregnant. Her immediate family is very close and has reached a breaking point with her. Her kids were taken away by CPS, and have been placed with her sister and is not allowed to have unsupervised contact with her kids. The baby was born addicted to drugs and has been placed with a foster family. Parents are aging and helping the sister financially and in taking care of the kids. They can probably only help out for another year or so. (If even that.) As a result they are asking us, (the extended family) to help out. We could take the kids and probably help financially.
I'm hoping to hear from former addicts or current addicts. What worked and what didn't work for you. This mom has a good living situation, living with her dad and has food and a safe place to sleep yet she still manages to get drugs. We know how addictive these drugs are so no one is blaming her. Our feeling is if we don't help her now, she will probably OD and be dead within a few years. We would like to believe with the "right" help she could get better and take care of her kids.
Looking for suggestions, ideas before this women becomes another statistic of our country's drug pandemic. Thanks
Parent Replies
I have only the sympathy of a stranger to offer to you, and a link to a Vox article on finding a good rehab center (apparently there are many many scams out there, alas): https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2019/10/9/20887787/drug-rehab-addiction-treatment-facilities-inpatient-outpatient
Good luck!
It's good to want to help. Please bear in mind the 38 year old mom is the only person who can actually stop being an addict, You can help, and your help can make a big difference, but you can't make that happen.
I suggest you look for a support program, such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA). I've no doubt there are others, I just happen to know about them. I believe there are online support groups as well. Your goal is to have the support of other people who deal with addicts and addictive behavior. You need some social reinforcement to help you set and keep appropriate boundaries and expectations.
Of course, even 12-step programs can wind up being rigid, so look for a group that support you, and that doesn't become another problem. (A friend of mine in ACOA had a sponsor who insisted she call her every morning with a list of gratitudes. That works for some people, but not my friend.) Stick with what works for you and ignore the rest.
And if you are considering taking in the children, get feedback from groups that work with foster children.
Hi! Please send me a text or give me a call. My name is Amanda.
5109677181
While my situation is different, I am also living with addiction in the family. As others have alluded, the substance user is the only one who can choose to stop using. Every user has a unique story and a unique path. Each substance of choice has unique challenges, and some are far more deadly than others, particularly in withdrawal or relapse. As far as dealing with addiction, there are two primary schools of thought:
12-Step: AA, NA, MA, etc (the Anonymouses - Alcoholic, Narcotic, Marijuana, etc.) for the substance user, and related Al-Anon and similar for the loved ones. This is an addiction as disease model with a focus on complete abstinence. Each group is unique, so if one doesn't seem like a fit, try another. I suggest attending a group a handful of times before forming an opinion. I find the Wednesday evening group in Menlo Park very helpful. Look up any of the organizations online. The majority of treatment centers follow this model.
Harm Reduction: Smart Recovery and Smart Recovery Family groups, plus a few others I can't remember right now. The focus is on maintaining a relationship, holding healthy boundaries, and minimizing harm to the user while addressing the issues underlying the drive to use. When the underlying issues are appropriately addressed, the desire to use falls away. This approach has been around for a while, yet is slow to gain traction, perhaps because it takes a lot of strength, patience, and compassion to implement. Evidence suggests it can be very successful in effecting long term recovery. I highly recommend reading "Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change", if you are interested in learning more about this approach. There are fewer providers and treatment centers that follow this approach, but they are out there.
Living with addiction in the family is a tough road I would not wish on anyone. There is no one path or solution as every addict and addict's family is unique. Explore the options for support and guidance, and follow what feels right to you, even if it's sometimes very hard.