Family dinner with teen?
The importance of family dinner is widely touted, and I’m wondering how often parents make this a priority with their teens. I’m a single mom with one teenage boy who is often out and/or not hungry in the evenings. He is not busy with scheduled activities, but he likes to hang out with friends after school and I suspect they hit the juice bar and fast food joints more often than they should. I’m wondering how much I should push coming home for dinner a certain number of times per week or just look for other ways to connect and spend time with him. As it is now, he usually comes home, grunts hello, and shuts himself in his room, so I’m looking for an opening somewhere. Thanks!
Sep 11, 2019
Parent Replies
Yes, push. We have dinner almost every day with our teens, and I really feel this makes a difference with each family member connecting with each other. It isn't a love-fest or the Algonquin Round Table, but we talk about the day/week, sometimes current affairs, extended family news, etc.
It doesn't need to be every day, but you should prioritize dinner with your teen on a regular basis. To me, it helps that your son is not on a confirmed schedule because then there isn't anything important you have to work around. Pick a few days a week that he needs to be home for dinner--you can let him choose but then stick to that schedule. That way, you are not having the conversation about family dinner again and again--it is just what you guys do. Cooking family dinners used to be drudgery for me, but now I try to think of things my kids like (that aren't a lot of prep) and make a point to make them meals they enjoy. Or, I let them do the cooking if it is simple--this way I am also teaching them life skills for their not-too-distant life on their own. (My 16 year old loves to make pizzas with the Trader Joe's dough and sauce.)
Good Luck!
What a great question!
My situation is different as I am married with two teenagers (one post-high-school). However, the family dinner question is universal. I have one teenager who readily joins in family dinner almost every evening, despite keeping a very packed schedule. I have one teenager who began refusing family dinner at the beginning of high school, despite having very little scheduled activities. My suggestion is this: have a conversation with your teen. Acknowledge that your teen is wanting more time with friends and independence from you. Let your teen know how you feel about this (understand yet want to stay connected), and that you'd like to have family dinner together in some way. What would he want to be comfortable with that (a schedule night(s) a week? something more flexible? eat in or dine out? no talk of school at the table? etc.). In other words, let your teen know you'd like to connect, and engage with them on what that might look like.
Good luck and Bon Appetit!
Our teen also spent a lot of time in his room, and we [his parents] really missed hanging out with the affectionate chatty kid we used to know. We have always had our dinners and most breakfasts together, and those meals became our primary source for togetherness and conversation. He also got into cooking, which made the whole kitchen time really nice for us. Now that he's left for college, we sure miss those moments!
-jmf
Yeah, it's hard! But I do think it's a good thing to strive for. What if you turn it on its head a little and ask him to be in charge of making dinner for the two of you one night a week? If you feel like you need a reason you could say you're feeling a little overwhelmed at work lately (or with whatever else would make sense that's going on in your life). Or you could say you feel like you're in a rut lately and want to change things up and see how it goes. You could, in exchange, say you'll take care of dinner on maybe two specific days (cooking, frozen pizza, take-out, whatever). Another possibility/addition is to suggest that he invite a friend (or two, depending on your bandwidth for hosting multiple teens!) over for dinner one particular night a week. Getting to know his friends a little better will help you get to know him a little better, so that would be a win. I have definitely found certain kids to be talkers, even if my own kids aren't always, so that could provide a nice insight. Good luck!
This is tough. Can you limit his spending money for food? Or ask him to cook one night a week - maybe on a Friday he (plus/minus a friend) could cook dinner in your home -spaghetti, pizza on pre-made crust plus salad, hamburgers with all the fixings, mac and cheese and a veggie, and home made root beer floats for dessert. I think you should insist on at least 2 or 3 nights a week or 2 nights plus Sunday brunch. Tell him if he can cook even a few things - will be good with future girlfriend or boyfriend or roommates. Let him help plan menu.
Chiming in to strongly agree with posters who say make the dinners a priority. You just gotta make it happen. I am also divorced and with one child. He has heavy sports commitments so does eat in the car 1-2 nights a week in the winter ... but we still talk and do our best to have it be close to a "family dinner." We also have dinner with my ex once a week - we just make it work. It's great for everyone and very grounding. We also do a dinner and movie night once a week, which isn't great for conversation, but it's something. We do chat and are together. We also have a simple breakfast together a few mornings a week. And even when it's just the 2 of us, we have a real dinner at least 2 nights a week together at the table. This takes increasing effort but I've found that appealing to his compassion and asking for HELP works - I need your help making dinner. I need your help to sit with me so I'm not lonely at the table. I need help understanding this or that topic that you know so much about. I take a real interest in his day, and I'm also a giant pain - if I don't get some interaction I'll just go into his room, lie down on the bed, and start chatting. He knows that the only way to get rid of me is to have a convo. I don't care if I look goofy or he's grumpy. I ask a million questions. I always say, you're leaving home in a few years and I need all the "you time" I can get. Etc.!
I think you need to get some perspective. I am sure it is sad that you are not having dinner together. But rather than nag, ask yourself what is going on. Maybe he is using drugs and avoids you so you don't find out. Maybe he is tired of your criticism and avoids you for that reason. I would suggest trying to create positive experiences together in some way, not necessarily dinner. Maybe hike together or play board games together or garden together. Find something you appreciate about what is going on in his life and compliment him. Somehow your relationship has derailed. Try to find out why and do what you can to repair it.
My daughter and I (also single mom) had dinner together almost every day, and with extended family almost every week, before she went to college. But she was a willing participant. I'm not sure how to change a teen who is not. I would ask my daughter each Sunday to pick three menus for the week, and one carry-out choice. That solved four dinners right there. Maybe if he has a say in the matter (the menus and which days), he would feel more involved and save room to be hungry to eat at the table with you.
I'm having similar struggles! We used to regularly have dinner as a family and for a variety of reasons it just doesn't happen like it used to. For us it's mainly due to evening activities, but regardless of the reasons, life doesn't always work out the way we plan and I don't think you should feel badly about it. Your kid is going to be just fine! Maybe just say that you've noticed family dinners haven't been working out lately and you want to make sure there is a time of day when the two of you can connect. Can he think of a better option? Maybe an evening walk? For us, I've found that breakfast together is possible and a better chance for connecting at the moment than trying to wrestle our schedules to accommodate dinner. Connecting is what matters!