College age daughter vaping
My college age daughter (almost 21) is vaping regularly. A couple years ago while helping her move into a new apartment at college, a roommate mentioned that she wanted to try a Juul. I brought up to both girls "you really need to be careful because nicotine is extremely addictive and bad for one's health and you don't want to become addicted". Their response was "we won't", as though addiction was some intellectual decision that one would make. Fast forward two years - while out visiting my daughter this past fall while she was having a rough semester because she got mononucleosis, I noticed a Juul pod on the ground right outside the front door. I picked it up and made a comment "whose Juul pod?", to which she replied that it was her roommate's (different roommate). Then she confesses that she got mono from the roommate because she shared her Juul. While at home during vacations I see now signs of a Juul in her possession. I called her out on it once, but it backfired, with (I presume) her reasoning was that if I know she vaping then she is free to have the device out and and in front of me, although I never see vapor or smell smoke. I talked to her a couple times about concerns of addiction to nicotine, to which she replied "But I enjoy it; it makes me feel good". So at this point I feel there is nothing I can do. And I understand because I grew up with parents who smoked, and I also smoked in high school and some of college, but I eventually quit because of health effects and social unacceptability. But vaping is so unobtrusive that I don't know what external factors would influence someone to quit, especially since it seems that vaping is ubiquitous in this generation of kids and they don't recognize the negative health (and financial?) effects and "they enjoy it". Anyone else having to deal with this and what have you done or said to your son or daughter?
Parent Replies
I hear you. I have a teen who loves his pot. For now, I managed to buy his sobriety for 3 months by offering to buy him a car once he graduates high school. I also managed to dissuade him from vaping nicotine, though there's a trend to vape a mixture of weed and tobacco (think it's called "moking"). It helped that he broke out in zits and ulcers around his mouth when he was vaping, and he really cares about his looks.
I found that once my son turned 17, there wasn't much I could do to stop him from doing what he wanted to do. And I think parents who say they can control their teenagers and young adults are fooling themselves. I've known so many parents who said, "My child has never ...." while their kid confessed to me that they did all of the "..." and more, but hid it well enough from their parents.
Your daughter may figure it out eventually that she doesn't want to vape anymore. You can tell her what you think about it without being overly dramatic, and I do believe it makes a difference even though it doesn't seem so. I hope my son grows out of smoking pot. Maybe he'll meet a nice girl or a friend who'll tell him how stupid it is. And yes, I'm worried sick that his addiction won't ever let him stop, but then I have hope. That's all we can do. Hope.
It may be hard to talk about the pros and cons, but by the time kids are in middle school, parents need to talk about the pros and cons of a decision and then leave it up to them. Parents really have no control over drinking, drugs, smoking, sex, etc. if you admit to that everyone will be happier. And admitting that there are good reasons to be involved in these activities may seem like you are promoting them, but if you leave out this very important part of making decisions, they will tune you out. So yes, vaping makes you feel good. It is also a way to bond or feel a part of a community. Teenagers do it because their friends do it and they want to belong. So when you are both calm, sit down, talk about the pros and cons, and let it go. The more you try to pressure her to quit the more she will cling to this habit.
I found at some point that telling my daughter I knew she would figure out the right thing for herself was the best course. It changed the dynamic of our relationship. Along the way there were many sleepless nights for me, but slowly, oh so slowly, the troubling rebellious behaviors waned and the responsible ones took root. She's now working on her dissertation involving genomics and big data. Fourteen years ago she was a runaway. I remained there for her throughout. I learned to only give advice when asked. Now, teaching undergrads, I have a design student seeking to dissuade teens from vaping, through research and graphics. If you or your daughter would be willing to speak with him, please get in touch. —Mimi