Whining
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- 14-month-old driving me crazy with whining
- 14-month-old whines constantly
- 2.75 yr. old often sad or whiney
- Two-year-old whining relentlessly
14-month-old driving me crazy with whining
Nov 2006My 14-month-old son has recently developed an irritating habit: he whines. It drives me crazy and my brain sort of freezes up while he's doing it. The advice in the archives on whining is directed at verbal chldren who whine with words; my son just grunts and points. He keeps it up until he is stopped, either by getting what he wants or by parental intervention (distraction, removal from the scene, whatever). His whining is usually clear in intention (feed me more yogurt, hold me up so I can look at the fruit bowl, let me touch the hot tea kettle) so it's not like he needs to learn baby sign language. My question is about how *I* should respond?
There are three types of situations. (1) Sometimes I am able and willing to provide what he wants (e.g. yogurt I'm already in the process of feeding him), but I am afraid that if I give him what he has just whined for, he'll be learning that whining works. How can I encourage him to ''ask'' politely? (2) On the other hand, sometimes I'm *temporarily* unable to deliver (e.g. I can't hold him up to the fruit bowl when I'm busy cooking); in this case I want to respond to the whining right away, so he knows I'm listening, but I don't want to say ''No!'' all the time because we save that for more serious cases. Anyone have a good phrase to explain this? He seems to keep on whining until I've been very negative in my response, and I'd prefer to teach him more gently. (3) Finally, when he whines for something he can never have, like the tea kettle, a firm ''No!'' is very effective, although sometimes it makes him sad. I'm pretty comfortable in this case, however.
I am only wondering about how to respond at the times when he has expressed himself with this very irritating whining tone -- if he ''asks'' for something pleasantly, we have no problem communicating. Thanks for all your help! I'm still getting used to the fact that his ''needs'' and his ''wants'' are no longer one and the same. Whined At Mama
I could have written your post! My daughter was an incessant whiner. It used to drive me crazy and also exhaust me. From talking with other parents, I think this is pretty common. However, some do it more than others. What I found with my daughter was that as she got more verbal, the whining has been subsiding. It may be that your son, when he doesn't get what he wants, thinks he is not communicating effectively. Because whining is the only way he knows how to communicate, he keeps doing it. Things that helped for me, was to completely remove my daughter from wherever we were, when at all possible. If smaller distractions didn't help, often ones sometimes did. If this wasn't manageable, and my husband was home, we would take turns. This would at least give me a break if we had a bad day of whining. The main thing, though, was practicing patience. And there were days when that was painful. But my daughter is now just turning 18 months and things are substantially better. So improvements are not too far off.
On a related note, my husband and I took a discipline class for 0 to 5-year-olds at Habitot. The class intrigued me because the description talked about why kids may or may not respond to something due to their development, (rather than a specific ''style'' or theory of parenting). We found the class very helpful. The instructor, a specialist in child psychology, was very practical and entertaining. We found the class to be very helpful and interesting because it helped explain some of our daughter's behaviors or reactions. I just wanted to pass this along because I would recommend it to anyone. (I don't work for them!) It was only an hour and half and the highest cost was $25 a person. Habitot has a sliding scale. If your interested, their classes are posted on their website Anon
We have a 17-month-old son, and though he is not ''pre-verbal'' anymore because he has started to use words (and predicatably, has mastered some of the ones that relate to stuff he wants, like ''agua'') he still does the pointing and grunting (his is more like a ''ah! ah!'' than a whine, though it gets more and more desperate as he is not getting what he wants). And yes, I have the same impulse as you - to not give into whining because I don't want him to draw the conclusion that it works. What I have learned is that sometimes he just wants to have his needs/wants recognized (and actually having them met is less important). So, I have found that sometimes just talking him through it and redirecting him resolves the situation. For example:
him: ah!aha! (pointing to the scissors on the kitchen counter)
me: what do you want me to hand you, the scissors? him: (smiling and nodding) ah! ah!
me: oh, no I can't do that, scissors are very dangerous for kids! him: (more and more desparate) ah! ah!
me: do you know what scissors are for?
him: (seems to be intrigued by the fact that I have asked him a question and we are in conversation) ah?
me: scissors are used to cut things, etc etc. I think there might be a picture of some scissors in one of your books (there's not). Do you want to go pick out a book to look at while I finish cooking?
Generally at that point, he is thrilled to be entrusted with a task, runs off, and brings back a book, which I congratulate him for. I have hidden the scissors, and when he comes back, I will sit with him for maybe 30 seconds to start looking at the book together until he is into it, then I go back to cooking. But I keep talking to him. ''Whats on that page? Do you see a kitty? What sound does the kitty make?''
Mind you, this whole time I have not stopped cooking, but have made a lot of eye contact with him.
I don't know if that kind of thing will work for you or if you have already tried it. My little guy seems to get engaged through conversation and that at least lets him feel like he is being heard and also helps to re-orient him away from a ''I need that thing!'' mind-frame. genevieve
I think some of the advise for verbal kids applies to pre-verbal kids as well, you have to give them the words they don't know yet. so if they whine and you know what it's about you can say ''use your words, water please'' and when they stop whining and make an attempt, give him what he wants. tell him you don't understand his whining (even if you do) this will get better as his vocabulary expands but I still have to remind my 3 year old to ask nicely without whining or bossing.
as for stuff that you can't get for him you can say ''I know you want to look at the fruit bowl and I will help you after I....'' then you can try to redirect him to another activity. this way you acknowledge his desire, express understanding, you don't really say ''no'' just ''wait''
another thing I noticed helped with my son when he seemed to want something he couldn't have was to give him the word for it. it seemed like if he knew how to say it, his desire for it wasn't so desperate - he had some control or something
ilona
14-month-old whines constantly
Jan 2003My 14 month old daughter whines, constantly, from sun up to sun down. She follows me around clamouring to be held or for attention. My attention span for this is dwindling. Has anyone found a good solution for similar behavior? mommyo2tod
Sounds like she is using the most effective voice she has at that age to let you know how much she loves being with you. Are there ways you can include her in your activities? Using a sling or backpack will allow her to be attached to you but still leave you free to do most household work. Sometimes getting down to her level and giving her lots of physical contact while modeling a calm sweet non-whiny voice may help her feel acknowledged while also showing her an alternative to whining. Jen
Is your daughter talking (or signing) yet? My son's whining and shrieking reached a peak around 12 months, and then diminished as soon as he learned some words. I think kids around that age get very frustrated because they can understand a lot of language but they can't yet express themselves. So I predict that your daughter will whine less once she learns (more) words. You can try teaching her some simple signs (for example, the baby sign we used for ''more'' was an index finger tapping the other palm). In the meantime, you have my sympathy; I know how a child's whining can feel like it's drilling a hole in your head! Nomi
Young toddlers often whine because they don't yet have the language skills to tell you what they want easily or quickly enough, and because they tend to go through a clingy/separation anxiety phase just as mom tends to think the newly walking, talking kid ought to be able to self-entertain more. Understanding this may help *you* face the whining more calmly. Also, remember that the more time and undivided attention you give your daughter (as exhausting as that can be), the less she is likely to whine when your attention *is* divided.
The specific technique that worked for us to 'retrain' away from whining goes like this: Crouch down to her level, make eye contact and give her full attention. (This is not ''giving in'' to her whining unless and until you actually do whatever it is she is whining for.) Figure out as best you can what she actually wants. Then tell her you don't like the whining and model what you want her to do. Say, ''Mommy doesn't like it when you whine. If you would like me to pick you up, ask nicely. Say, 'Mommy, up please.''' 99.9% of the time this will do the trick -- she will repeat some variation of whatever you are telling her to say and everyone's happy. Of course, if you cannot pick her up just then, or you can't actually understand what she wants, or she refuses to 'ask nicely', you'll have to either distract her or find an acceptable alternative (''Mommy is cooking dinner just now and can't pick you up. Would you like to sit in your high chair so you can see what I am doing?'') but in no event give her what she's whining for until she can calm down and ask without whining. Also, do your best to give some positive reinforcement every time she *does* ask for anything without whining. (''Of course you may have some juice! Thank you for asking nicely.'') Best of luck! Holly
2.75 yr. old often sad or whiney
May 2002Our daughter, going on three years old, has of late been more sad or teary or whiney than usual. This is not an all-the-time issue, but she is in some sort of bad mood far more often than in the recent past. This has been occurring for maybe a week or so. She is very difficult to console. Is this ''normal''? Do these things pass? We feel very bad and frustrated about her inconsolability. For background, she spends 2 or three days/week at pre-school and 1 or 2 days/week at grandparents. This has been her routine since September. There have been no major changes in her day-to-day life, as far as we can tell. Thank you. michael
I'm not sure this will help but as the mother of a 2 yr 8 month old I've found it's often not appropriate to attribute adult motivations or explanations to such young kids behaviors. You say this has been going on for just a week. Probably, this too shall pass (like so many other things I'm sure you've experienced!) Maybe a minor seeming event has occured, or maybe she senses your concern and anxiety about her feelings. Maybe you should not worry about this experience going away and just be more affectionate or comforting than usual and help her during this period. LSG
I have fraternal twin girls about the same age as your daughter. We have also gone through weeks that seem more demanding than others - either tears and whiney, or extremely willful, or especially destructive and antagonistic. I attribute it to their growing and development phases. I'm a stay-at-home mom although the girls go to preschool two mornings a week and have a regular babsitter two mornings a week. So, unless there was a specific incident at home or either care situation that may have triggered this behavior, I wouldn't attribute the behavior to something external. I try to deal with these behaviors with more one-on-one attention or enlist the help of one of our mom-friends - someone the girls (one or both) enjoy spending time with. And sometimes I try to change our routine a little and maybe go to a different park or some other child-friendly place. Lastly, we have figured out that one daughter gets especially difficult when she is constipated. Best wishes to you. Lori
I apologize if this advice seems too obvious, but it has been a tremendous revelation to me. I was wondering why my 3-year-old was whiney, why she was picking on her sister, why she was so sad all the time. My friend told me that her mother (mother of six and elementary school teacher) said, ``When young kids are out of sorts and misbehaving, 99% of the time they are either tired, or hungry, or both.'' At first I refused to believe it was so simple (wasn't it sibling rivalry and not hunger or exhastion? was I not giving them enought attention?), but I have really become convinced. Whenever my now 4-year-old and 2-year-old pick on each other I try to ask myself: Are they are tired or hungry? THe answer is almost always, yes. WHen they whine and cry and drive me crazy by hanging on me I ask myself, ``Are they are tired and/or hungry?'' The amazing thing is how long it has taken me to get used to asking myself that every time!
I watch a friends' daughters (also 4 and 2)once/week 10-2 and I noticed that all the kids got really whiney and started to fight at 11. At first I thought it was that they got tired of each others' company after an hour, but it was strange that after lunch they played happily until right about two when they started fighting again. I decided to apply the tired/hungry theory, and started giving them a snack at 11. What a difference!! Now I know why daycares always serve two snacks a day and have a nap time! When kids are tired or hungry they are cranky, whiney, tearful and prone to fight. The two O'clock blues were simply natural because it was naptime and lunch was starting to wear off. Now we have a snack at 11, eat lunch at 12:30, run around like crazy outside and at 1:45 we have a small snack and I read to them. They get along beautifully.
Perhaps a snack here and there and either a longer nap or an earlier bedtime will solve all your troubles! I hope so! susan
Two-year-old whining relentlessly
2001Our son just turned two and has started to whine relentlessly. He also seems more needy and clingy: wants to be carried more, etc. We think some of this has been precipitated by a newcomer in day care who is a boy, 14 mos old and some of it may be the ambivalence of becoming a 'big boy'. Any advice about how others have handled this phase would be helpful. We try to ignore it or ask him to speak so we can understand him, but it can be sooooo annoying.
Has anyone found a good strategy for nipping whining in the bud? My just two year old has really gotten into a whiney phase -- it seems like half the things that come out of his mouth are in a whiney tone, even straightforward requests like I want a drink of water or I want to go outside. I feel like I spend half my day saying, Can you ask me in a regular tone of voice? or Go ahead, drink some water, no one's stopping you or, when it's been two hours of unceasing whine, Stop that whining or I'm going to lose my mind! None of these seem particularly effective. Any suggestions?
Our son began whining at around that age and we helped to nip it in the bud by using some of the recommendations in Bill Sear's Discipline Book. It's important to keep things positive with kids this age because it's so easy to get into power struggles. One way is to kindly respond to whining with Ouch! That makes my ears hurt. Can you use a speaking voice? Whining will persist a while, but if you gently encourage the words and actively respond to requests made in a speaking voice, it'll eventually subside. Helping the child to put his feelings into words by encouraging a speaking voice can help stop whining and help the child mature at the same time. The other thing is to remember is that whining replaces crying as infants grow into toddlers. Trying to understand the underlying upset, and responding to that, can help too. Laura
If you will truly and thoroughly not tolerate it, it will simply stop. I would say to a whining child that as long as he uses that tone, I will not relate to him. And I wouldn't. It has worked with my boys, I hope it does with yours... Good luck! Noa
For the sake of my sanity I finally instituted a zero tolerance policy. If you ask in a whining voice, you can not have it for an hour, day, week..what ever you think is appropriate. It works much better when you consistently enforce it, which I am working on. Kean
No amount of explanations of good tone of voice helped with my children and their whining, but whining really bothers me. So I told them (they are ten years apart and it worked both times) that my ears were different and I could not hear whining it just sounded like a mouse squeaking. When they would whine I'd hold up my hand and say There's a mouse in the house.. can you hear it and some comment about hoping it wasn't after the cheese? They would laugh and ask me in a normal tone of voice. I never acknowledged that I heard or understood what they were whining. It's kind of silly, but it worked. Good luck. Veronica
Don't fulfill their request until they have stated it in a non-whiny voice. I have replied to my daughter in a whiny voice, and she thought that was strange to come from a mom and instantly taught her what whiny means. Then I repeated the reply in a regular voice. So I know, she can distinguish the difference in tone of voice and what each is called. She learned really fast what voice to use to have her needs met quickly. By the way, that's also how we taught her to use the word please. Shouldn't take more than 3-5 attempts and three tantrums. Just be consistent. You set the rules of how you want to be treated. You can also walk away from a whiny voice in addition to not fulfilling the request, stating that your ears do not like whiny voices. Whinyness is a short-lived problem unless you allow it to continue.
As difficult as it might feel when you hear that whiny voice, you might try saying it sound like you need a hug and giving him one. I think I read this in Positive Parenting A to Z (under whining), and it was pretty effective when my son was going through a whiny stage. There were probably some other ideas in there I can't recall as there are usually a few ideas for each topic. It's a great book to have around when you need some concrete ideas of what to do about whatever the current parenting issues are. Good luck! MHavilan
The only thing I've found effective at all for our 4-year old is simply becoming deaf. If she's whining, I can't hear her. Sometimes I do have to remind her that I can't hear whining. But usually she remembers on her own. I don't know if it will work for a 2 year old, but it's worth a shot. Good luck! Dawn
I really feel for you! I had a similar experience with my now 17 year old son. I finally resorted to bribery, er, motivation! He had a simple reward chart based on trying to adjust his "negative interaction" habit. He got his reward after dinner, which was some type of "fruit snack" candy. If he had 0 to 2 negative interactions, he received 3 pieces. 3 - 5 negative interactions got 2 pieces, and more than 5 negative interactions meant he did not receive any. Believe me, he went from literally hundreds of negative interactions a day down to around 2 a day. And along with his change came LOTS of praise from me, as well as really trying to work with him on identifying his difficult feelings so that they weren't just ignored. I really felt at the time that it was just a horrible attention-seeking ingrained habit. But, he is also a kid who was diagnosed with depression in his pre-teens. Kids with mental health issues still need to learn how to live in the world and not make every interaction a power struggle. Best of luck!
This sounds so frustrating and exhausting. I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
My preschooler had some major mood swings and regressions when schools closed and he wasn’t able to go to the playground and interact with other kids. I’d you’re comfortable and can do so safely, finding ways for her to play with other kids or go back to preschool could help. My son just started preschool again and he’s back to his normal, happy self.
It also sounds like she’s attention seeking- maybe struggling with a new sibling? I would strongly recommend Janet Landsbury’s podcast for tips on how to handle whining, attention seeking, and dealing with a new sibling.
Best of luck, I hope some of this is helpful!
Hi mama. I feel for you. Whining can be really grating on the nerves and I know I've been driven to my last wits during this time with less childcare support. You don't mention her age but you alluded to 3 being great, so I'm assuming shes 4-5? What you are describing is normal. Let me me repeat, this is completely normal!. Add in the stressors of COVID and staying with grandparents and a new baby and less preschool, and you both have even more reasons for both of your behaviors. But you are the adult in the situation who has more experience regulating your emotions. She does not. She has to learn and that doesn't come through punishment or loss of sympathy - quite frankly, the opposite works. You need to find more quality time with her, smother her with love and patience. Simply repeating back her feelings helps ("It's frustrating when something is too heavy", "It seems like you don't want to go to bed. I know sometimes I feel that way too. But it's time to rest our bodies".) You need to figure out what needs of hers aren't being met (likely it's individualized attention or simply the acknowledgement of change in her world and how hard this is). It sounds like you may also need some support as well to help you not become so easily flustered by normal childhood behavior and be in a better mindset to support her. Some books I recommend: "How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen" or "No Drama Discipline". Books by Louise Bates Ames (such as "Your 4 Year old") are enlightening in regards to normal developmental behaviors (but they are also very old-school and mention spanking so take some of it with a large grain of salt). Talk to her pediatrician and if they are supportive they may point you in the direction of other parenting resources to support you. Reach out to your own OB and get screened for postpartum depression and have your partner, family, etc step in to help with the baby so you can have both alone time to recharge and 1:1 time with your older child.
I'm sending you lots of patience and strength. What you are describing is hard. But it's also completely normal for her to be acting this way and as a parent you will need to find out a way to nurture her through this phase. It will get better!
You managed to write all that without giving your daughter's age, which is kind of an important detail. But I have a guess, and it's based on this gem of parenting wisdom I got when my daughter was a toddler: "The terrible twos are overstated. Three is worse than two, four is worse than three, and five is the worst of all." I definitely found that to be true. Things turned around amazingly at age six, when it seemed like all of a sudden my daughter's ability to self-execute--to move from want, to plan, to execution and fulfillment without me having to play a role--improved immensely. That made her less frustrated and therefore less annoying and less whiny.
If I'm wrong about your daughter's age, I apologize for being off track.
I think the keys may be buried in your post- the baby, and Covid. This sounds like big sister syndrome, mixed with COVID anxiety.
When a new baby comes along, the older soon loses her cherished spot getting all the love and attention, so disrupting time with the baby, acting younger/weaker/unable to do things, and making bids for attention (positive or negative) is normal. You might see regression in toileting, sleep, feeding, motor skills, even speech. What helps? Special alone time with her, hugs and cuddles, special "big kid" things, etc. Ignore the bad, reward the good, and go out of your way to CREATE good times together that you both enjoy. Every day and with both parents, if that's possible in your family.
Now, Covid. What does Covid anxiety look like at this age? Acting up, not knowing what they want, never being satisfied, feeling overwhelmed, testing ALL the boundaries, indecisiveness, sleep disturbances, a general feeling of unease or anxiety (that helplessness/distress you hear), defiance, regression in social skills, unable to cope with emotions, going into fight or flight/meltdown mode at the drop of a hat, etc. What can help? Boundaries, structure, routine, consistency, calmness and confidence by adults (if you're anxious, it'll be worse), creation of "normalcy" as much as possible, time outside playing in nature, hugs, love, and family time.
So, what to do? Create a daily schedule that includes outside time, "big kid" activities, and 1:1 times with adults. Set up reasonable but not excessive boundaries and consequences (now may not be there time to work on table manners or keeping fingers out of the mouth). Give choices to contain that overwhelming feeling or indecisiveness (you can't get dressed? Offer 2 choices you know she can handle. Lunch is a problem? Put 3 choices on her plate, at least one of which you know she'll love, then let her eat it or not). Make bedtime special time with her, read books and cuddle up in bed together. Do something each day with her that YOU enjoy, too. Kids know when you're not having fun and wish you weren't spending time with them. The dread you feel at her waking up feeds into this- figure out how to change that for yourself and it'll help, too.
So sorry to hear about this. I totally understand your reaction and I appreciate your honesty. You are a good mama in a really difficult situation. I would recommend calling Rachel Biale for some advice. https://www.rachelbiale.com/about-me She's a therapist who specializes in helping parents with various problems with their children and would also give you the support you need. I'm sure that short Zooms or calls with her would be helpful. good luck.
Hi there! You are not alone! I can’t say any of this behavior seems out of the ordinary but you just have some extra helpings of it. And the Covid has really caused the kids to lose many outlets for their energy. did you say you tried positive behavior rewards? Sticker charts? For some things offer A or B choices from the start so she feels like she’s exerting some independence? I’m in a similar struggle with my 8yr old, so very defiant. Ugh...at least you have a couple more years than me for the teens hit...even the preteens. Sorry, not so helpful reply. Mostly wanted you to know you are not alone. Hang in there!
Hi i am sorry to hear you are having this problem with your daughter. This is more than growing pains and you have been resourceful in your responses. Suspect she needs to see professional. She may have a diagnosis and they might have suggestions on how to handle her behavior. Best of luck.
Hi there.....I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I would say I had hate relationship with motherhood when my daughter was 18 months to 4 years old. It seems between that age until she was 4 years old (every kid has different developmental phase), there was always something (ex: she was 18 months and couldn't communicate properly yet, so she got frustrated easily). I feel in your case it's combination between developmental growth (ex: being independent with her own choice instead of following mom/dad wish/order) and the new baby (ex: having all this new feeling that came with having a sibling from love to upset because of losing un-divided attention from mom/dad/grandparents). I used to joke with my husband that unfortunatelly kid is a final sale, so we need to work on what we have. In a nut shell, I feel what you are going through is normal. Being parents is not an easy job!
My daughter, my sunshine, is the world class whiner too. She is still a world class whiner at 8 years old. Before Covid 19, she was always tired when I picked her up from day care (at 6PM), so often I was dreading to pick her up, because she could be mean or whinny when she was tired. It is getting better though, so hang in there. With potential jealousy due to new sibling, my suggestion is to have some special days between you and her only (if it's possible. I am not sure if you are still breastfeeding), so she knows that she is still the love of your life.
How sad that it sounds like you aren’t able to enjoy your daughter and she doesn’t seem to be enjoying much either. It could be a phase.... I definitely know kids who went through phases where they talked in a whiny voice constantly. And I’ve known kids who do it just with their parents or just with one parent. Since it’s affecting your family life so much I wonder if it wouldn’t be worth engaging with a therapist? Someone with tons of experience with children.... if only to help give you some insight into potential solutions.
You don’t say her age but guessing around five. It sounds to me like she needs a lot more empathy from you about the Covid situation, and about having a new baby in the family. It is so much for all of us but especially small kids. On top of that, five is hard and emotional as kids’ brains develop. I recall epic meltdowns at that age. You need to tell her and show her that all emotions are ok but not all actions are allowed. Slow down, listen, show her you love her even though she was just bumped from number one only child spot and now you spent so much time with the baby. Tell he you know she must miss her school friends and teacher and routine. Give her big hugs. She sounds like she doesn’t feel heard so try to change that feeling with in her by making her feel special. At the same time, calmly and consistently enforce boundaries with her.
Happiest toddler on the block book or dvd might be better right now to see and hear his suggestions. Even if she’s not a toddler, it’s really a book about communicating effectively to kids of any age. Also, the book The Conscious Parent by Shefali Tsabary could be really helpful.
Hi. My heart goes out to you and family! The behaviors you describe can be caused by anxiety. The fact that she wasn't like this pre-Covid speaks volumes. I'd bet money that anxiety is at least a part of what's going on for her, and probably for you, too. Kids can show anxiety and distress in different ways from adults. All of your lives were upended by this stressful bizarre pandemic situation, it sounds to me like how she's responding is classic for a child dealing with possibly high levels of anxiety and/or depression. She doesn't have the words or maturity/capability to express or even understand how out control she's feeling, so she's doing the only things she can-- i.e. acting out and trying to find places in her life where she can be "in control," even if destructive. Some kids respond to traumatic changes, transitions, stress, etc in dramatic ways like this. And I know that it's not easy for you to be able to manage it- It feels so upsetting. I know how that feels and I empathise! It's understandable that you're reacting and feeling the way that you are. When we feel like we are trying so hard to parent well and do everything right and nothing is "working," it can start to just feel hopeless and we can start to feel like we want to shut down because it triggers our own emotional distress. But please remind yourself that it's gong to be ok, you guys will be OK. If I am right and it's anxiety-related, yes it's normal for some kids to respond to it this way. Anxiety can be related to a genetic predisposition or health condition, sometimes it's just personality, sometimes it's a combination of a lot of factors. But there are things you can do and it is not hopeless.
Both my kids have had (& still manage) anxiety in one form or another and we as a family have gone through much of what you're experiencing. I have anxiety and PTSD (Well managed in part due to excellent sypport system and an awesome therapist. I have a predisposition to both depression and anxiety my whole life, starting from childhood, likely due at least in part to a genetic condition (Ehlers Danlos) that I just now have been diagnosed with & understand can often be related to or can go hand-in-hand with anxiety/depression; and also, in part due to a past abusive relationship I survived. That's all a long story.). My older son (now in middle school & doing well) saw a Play Therapist for many years starting @ age 3 to help with his own anxiety (Dr. Shannon Dubach in Berkeley. I highly recommend her. She also frequently had very helpful parenting advice for me). His anxiety was/is often related to trauma and transitions and changes. He has a condition called Dyspraxia (Very intelligent and sweet, super high functioning, but struggles with ADHD like symptoms that often could manifest in defiance and meltdowns, some pretty heavy struggles, especially worse before we all figured out what was going on). My younger son was in kindergarten this past school year, and he reacted to the lockdown and school closure and everything in some very similar ways to what you're describing. Woo, boy. Defiance, anger, refusing to listen, food defiance, etc. Luckily my husband and I knew what we were seeing, but it's still challenging.
I'm not an expert, I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Find a good therapist for everyone, (lots are doing Zoom or careful in-person sessions now). Create a routine & try to stick to it. Meditate. Research. I'm here to chat if you'd like.
This is not advice and I know it’s not funny, but your whole letter made me laugh because I totally get it. My daughter has had a lot of attitude issues, not sure if it’s covid/not being at daycare or development stage related, but...yeah. I feel ya. Hopefully this is just a short phase (for our kids and the world.)
This sounds incredibly awful! I am so sorry to hear this. Was she always difficult or did it start with the baby’s arrival? I have a few thoughts. First- she seems to know how to get a reaction from you ( strong ones- which I understand) so I would try to not react with emotion at any bad behavior. I would stay as calm as possible.
maybe when she knows she won’t get a reaction she will tone it down.
If you think it is about the baby, try to have some time with just her doing something she really likes.
I also suggest a LOT of outdoor time- hearty walks or hikes to get her anxiety/ angst/ anger / energy out. When my kids were that age I recall when they were exercised out ( meaning really tired from a long day in the park or a big hike) they had less energy to fight me on small things.
if this continues after covid ends I suggest meeting with a child therapist as you definitely want to get things under control before she gets older.
also- the fact that she does not act like this in school is really a good sign. Ask parents who she has had play dates with how her behavior is there when you are not present.
so sorry- wishing you well. Some kids are just tougher than others and it’s not your fault. How you react to her is all you can control right now.
I've got a 3.5 y/o and a baby and I definitely sympathize with how hard it is. This is a challenging age under the best circumstances, and we're not anywhere near that -- in just the past few months our kids have had their lives upended by the birth of new siblings, the abrupt withdrawal of peer socialization and structure, & the need to compete for our attention as we try to simultaneously work and parent under totally untenable conditions. Those are stressors that most adults are (understandably) having trouble managing, and young children don't have anywhere near the same number of tools.
None of that makes the behavior you describe any less frustrating in the moment. That said, I want you to really sit with what you wrote here. You "hate" your preschooler. You think it "sounds about right" for boys to be bullying her and chasing her around with fake knives. It seems like the first step should be therapy for yourself to work on anger management, appropriate expectations, and clear strategies to ensure you can continue to be a safe and unconditionally loving adult for your daughter. I hope you can find the help you need.
I recommend you contact Rebecah Freeling ASAP. You need to turn this ship around now because this situation will not improve without intervention. Rebecah’s expertise is with willful, spirited kids who fiercely want their way.
Rebecah saved my family and I’m not exaggerating. You may contact me for more details! Look up Rebecah in BPN for other reviews and contact info. She is not cheap but it is worth every penny.
Wishing you so much future joy and ease! It’s not easy but the results are astounding.
I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. It sounds like your daughter is reacting to the presence of a baby and the disruptions in life due to covid in predictable ways. I would suggest finding times to be alone with her and play, following her lead, and creating moments of fun without conflict. You really need to experience some loving and happy times with your child and build up a well of good feeling. I would also suggest picking your battles and while you must insist on certain things still validate her feelings as much as possible "yes, it's hard to be alone, but I'll be right in the next room and we will play together right after I finish with the baby." Finally, if you are feeling that much animosity to your daughter I know for myself, that can mean that some old wounds of my own are being triggered. Please go to therapy and/or get some coaching so you can find a way to navigate these challenges (covid, baby, etc) better. I wish I had gotten help sooner and regret times I lost my patience with my kid due to issues in my own past that I hadn't fully dealt with. Getting help can really improve your relationship with your daughter so much! Good luck, it's tough times all around but you owe it to yourself and your kids to get back to a loving place.
The key to answering your question is buried within it: you have a new baby. Any parent who's navigated having a second child while the older one is still a toddler will tell you: all that you describe is completely normal. Please have compassion for your little whiner--she doesn't really understand why her world has shifted in this monumental way, and it is a painful reality check to deal with a newcomer you didn't ask for. To be completely honest, my son still hasn't recovered from the birth of our daughter nearly 5 years ago. I know that some kids are thrilled to have a sibling--some are not and that's okay. If you haven't yet followed Janet Lansbury on this particular subject, please check out her blogs and recommendations. One thing (straight from Janet) that has frequently defused my son's extreme upset is just saying "it's really hard being a big brother, isn't it." This has worked like magic even when I didn't expect it to. New big siblings need to feel heard and seen. They're not trying to be obnoxious--they need to be loved. Best of luck to you, it's a hard situation especially when you're exhausted dealing with a new baby.
I thought your post heading was funny until I realized that you are serious. My personal experience growing up as a middle child and having a middle child as a niece, suggests to me that maybe, if you can take the time, to take her comments at face value. It will be many years before she understands that the delivery of her message is at least as important as the message itself. Her whole entire life has only spanned a few short years and it sounds like the last few were wanting. She believes that she needs more attention so that is her reality whether justified or not. I made a similar declaration about needing more attention to my mother and she laughed at me. So I gave up on her. In a way she is lucky that that was the end to most of our conflicts. My niece, who I see infrequently, has been quite the drama queen. At first I tried to address the drama with no success. More recently, I explained how we are both middle children and sometimes we have to make our own happiness because older and younger siblings dominate parental attention. Maybe she is older and wiser now, but in the span of 6 months in between family gatherings, she has much better control of her emotions and can communicate what she needs without the drama.
It sounds like this child my be four years old --- developmentally in the part of the cycle where Power, Control and Independence are at a high point. She will likely be more flexible and willing to be part of the group at 5 (when Kindergarten typically starts). Developing parenting skills at this juncture will be important when this kind of behavior recurs in adolescence! This child is asking for attention and is willing to accept negative attention over a lack of attention. Then add the stress and uncertainty of a pandemic... Elinor Fitch Griffin wrote that "A change in behavior comes about from a change in feelings." My recommendations would be to try to get ahead of the behavior and build a new pattern:1. Attention. Uninterrupted time (at least 20 minutes per session) when the adult plays with the child, taking the child's lead. This means no phone or other distractions.2. Play. Prepare activities that the child will find make them curious, creative and/or expressive. This effort to plan and prep the environment will go a long way with the child. Children have wonderful behavior when they sleep or are deeply engaged.3. Praise. Provide the child with specific feedback for anything you find positive.4. Power. Share power by acknowledging every single decision the child gets to make. At this developmental stage they typically notice any restriction, so highlight what they do get to choose. Would you like the peach or the cherry yogurt? Oh, you would like blueberry, luckily we have that. Can you help me plan the next order of yogurt flavors?5. Respect. Be respectful of the emotional strain and social impact of this moment in time. Adults have a lot more strategies and ways to cope. Model the behavior you value. Speak with your child calmly and respectfully. Do not match the offered drama, it takes the excitement out of their deliberate attempt to frustrate the adult. 6. Empathize. When you are not in the heat of the emotion, acknowledge that there has been a lot of changes and limits for everyone. (Remember freedom of movement and freedom of choice) That everyone is missing friends and play. What kinds of play or activities would they like you to support? Work out a plan and then follow through. Children are sensitive to the uncertainty.7. Nurture. Remember that feeling you had when you fell in love with your child. Tap into that feeling and be nurturing and kind. The relationship is the foundation for well-being.8. Humor. It is the antidote to all that ails us, parent and child. For more information, please refer to the website for our new nonprofit organization, The Parent Venture, https://www.parentventure.org/
You mentioned you have a baby in the house. That combined with the disruption in her usual routine due to the covid lockdowns seems like it would be enough to cause a lot of behavioral changes, much like you describe. It sounds like she’s got a lot going on for a little one. You might check out Janet Lansbury’s podcasts and look for stuff about covid, new baby, and maybe whining. Lansbury’s work with toddlers and the years beyond is excellent, and you might find something that resonates with your situation.
I think it can be normal. But I think you can also improve the situation if you are willing to put some time and energy into it. I think you spend a lot of time with that baby and she resents it. It seems as though you are always telling her what to do and trying to control her. Take a few minutes every day for a positive interaction. Let her choose from several possibilities: read a book. take a walk, play a game. Then spend more time (an hour?) once a week. Just the two of you. Let her choose: go to the park, ride bikes, work in the garden. Just the two of you. Let the baby cry.
Try letting her make some "decisions." Do you want to get ready for bed now, or in ten minutes? Do you want hot or cold cereal for breakfast. In the evening, let her choose what to wear for the next day, and let her wear it to bed. Then you don't have to fight about clothes in the morning.
She really needs your love and attention. Please find a way to show her you care.
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A friend of mine told me something when my child was young that I found very helpful. She said that kids act the worst when they need you most. I am not an expert, I am simply offering you some observations as a mother who is on the other side of this. It sounds like there are a couple of things going on. You don't say how old your daughter is, you said she was great when she was three, but what you describe sounds partially developmental. My daughter was very difficult at four and kids in that age range can really be challenging, even more so than toddlers. You are not going to get relief until at least 7-8. Before then they really have very little ability to be reasoned with. The other things that stood out is that you have a new baby, that she is not the same with teachers and she was not like this before covid. It seems like she is crying out to you, to her family, for more individual time and attention. Her world has been turned upside down by all of these things. Pretending this is not happening and walking away is making the situation so much worse. She is telling you "I don't want to be alone" because she is desperate for your undivided attention. You are giving her commands, "get dressed" when she wants you to actually engage with her, undistracted, to pick out an outfit and help her get dressed, whether or not she can actually do it herself is irrelevant. She doesn't want to go to bed because she wants to be alone with you, without the baby. Children need sooooo much time and energy and it is exhausting, but you can do this. Try to put yourself in her shoes.
So sorry for what seems to be an exhausting predicament. Have you considered having your daughter work with a child psychologist? When my twins were toddlers one had severe separation anxiety. Per her kindergarten teacher’s recommendation, my husband agreed our daughter see a psychologist. Our daughter was seen for play therapy by Dr. Fortunee Kayra Stuart (https://www.google.com/search?q=dr+fortunee+kayra+stuart&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&hl=en-us&client=safari#lkt=overview&trex=m_t:lcl_akp,rc_f:nav,rc_ludocids:16475370491290225290,rc_q:Fortunee%2520Kayra-Stuart%252C%2520Ph.D.%2520Licensed%2520Psychologist,ru_q:Fortunee%2520Kayra-Stuart%252C%2520Ph.D.%2520Licensed%2520Psychologist,trex_id:qqLXAe). She worked with out daughter for 18 months. There were sessions that included all four of us so Dr. Stuart could help us be better parents (is what she’d tell my daughter). She’d also include her twin in sessions bi-weekly to observe their interactions. Dr. Stuart has tremendous experience working with children. Dr. Stuart also works for the courts for all manner of child related court custody, etc. cases. My daughter eventually overcame her separation anxiety and evolved into a confident and secure child. This outcome exceeded our expectations. My girls are now 20YO full time college students and thriving. I’m so grateful for Dr. Stuart’s extensive experience, knowledge and wisdom. She’s a gem! Good luck and be hopeful for a positive outcome.
Sounds like she could be trying to get attention because you now have a baby. She might need some special targeted big girl time with each parent doing things babies can't do.
I don’t have any answers to this because I have found myself in the same boat lately. I am really hoping it’s a phase...? Sorry not to have any advice but if you want to chat via phone, Zoom or text and vent about our ridiculous 4-year-olds with no judgement, let me know!
For us, the evidence-based Kazdin method, and the book "Parenting the Defiant Child", really worked. In a nutshell: define for your kid, in great specificity, what constitutes a tiny step forward, and praise like crazy when she accomplishes it. (E.g. "It's amazing that you picked out your shirt and put it on all by yourself - let me tell everyone and put on the happy music for a happy dance - I'm so proud").The Kazdin team got kicked out of their offices because they were praising kids so loudly it disturbed the other therapists.
I feel your pain. My son went through the whiniest period when he was younger and I thought I was going to lose my mind. Here's 3 things that helped:
1) Know that every child goes through a difficult period. An older person told me that nobody escapes the Terrible Twos. If you don't have them at 2, then you have them at 3, and if not, then at 4. No parent is exempt from this difficult period, but there are things you can do to make it better.
2) Before you can correct your child's behavior, you need to meet her needs. Your child is signaling to you that her needs are not met. You didn't elaborate, but reading between the lines, it sounds like you just had a new baby, you moved houses (to your parents), you took your daughter out of her regular preschool, and like everyone else, you are reeling in the midst of a pandemic. Your daughter is very stressed, and what stresses children out more than anything is the feeling that their parents are emotional unavailable. Children have a radar that picks up whenever their parent is emotionally withdrawing (from anger, from annoyance, from being busy), and it FREAKS them out. I have seen it so many times it's impossible to miss: the whiniest children are the ones whose parents want them out of their hair. I know it's hard, but you must must must hide your annoyance from your child. You need to give her some one-on-one time, be emotionally and mentally present. You need to hug and kiss her. When she shrieks that she doesn't want to be alone, you need to cuddle her and reassure her that she's never alone, you will always be there for her. For me, this was a lightbulb moment. When my then 2-3 year old dissolved into whines and tears, instead of scolding him or giving him the angry silent treatment (which made things infinitely worse), I sat down and hugged him. Which brings me to my third point....
3) Your child has unmet needs but she's asking for them in the wrong way. So once you have somewhat met her basic emotional needs, you need to correct the way she asks for attention. For me, after I hugged my son and reassured him, I told him that his behavior was unacceptable. If he was upset he could use his words and come ask for a hug, but after the hug, if he continued to tantrum, he was going to be sent to time out. After that, it was just a matter of being super consistent. If he was upset, I reminded him to use his words and gave him a hug if he asked for a hug. If he whined for something, I wouldn't give it to him or pretended not to hear (without appearing to give him the cold shoulder--yes it's hard), until the minute he asked for it in his normal voice, then I immediately gave it to him. If he threw a massive tantrum he was counted to 3 and sent to time out. The main thing is not to cave in and reward the negative behavior--don't reward your daughter while she's whining, otherwise she knows that if she whines a lot, she will eventually wear you down and get what she wants. By this I mean physical things (like screen time, or a snack). I hope she won't have to whine for attention anymore after you have focused on giving her more loving attention.
My son is now 9 and is a joy to be around. It does get better. Good luck!
I am no expert at all, but when reading your words it sounds to me like your daughter desperately wants to connect with you at a deep level. I can imagine that the changes with Covid on top of a new sibling could make her feel quite disoriented and in need of knowing her mommy loves her and will be there to help keep her safe in this changing world.
That said, I also have immense empathy for you! Whining is a killer.
Though some of the suggestions might seem beyond what you can do right now, new baby and all, I highly recommend the book Joyful Toddlers by Faith Collins. My son is younger than your daughter (and tends to do more high-pitched screaming than whining) but this book has helped us so much – not all of it immediate, but with consistency the changes in both my son and myself and my husband have been profound, almost like magic.
Since you probably don't have time to read, it is available on Audible (though a slightly "scripted" reader I find easier to listen to at 1.2x speed).
Wishing you and your family the best, and looking forward to reading what others advise.
I am so sorry for your struggle. All I can say is that we’re in it together- I don’t have any friends who have a kid with the same cluster of issues, but reading your post feels very familiar. What makes my daughter so baffling is how objectively wonderful she is when she is in between moments of just intense screaming, whining, tantrum throwing. But the amount of energy I spend avoiding her or being irritated or angry...it’s just awful and exhausting. I did have success feeling comforted by posting to a parenting blog and having parents with older kids say that they’d been through something similar when their kid was a preschooler, “and now she’s a lovely teenager” etc. I cling to the hope that I won’t always dislike my child. My girl is also a big sister - that’s got to be key, right? Best wishes to you, and to all of us.
Wow, I’m really sorry your family is going through such a hard time. How old is she? Have you had her assessed for ADHD, autism spectrum disorder, or anything like that? Sounds like you all could use professional help, at least for you to be able to figure out how to approach caring for her with compassion. Good luck.
I'm sorry I forgot to mention, she's 4 years and 2 months old!
I’m so sorry. It sounds like your family is having a difficult time. Below are some things I thought were interesting. You can take a look and see if anything resonates with you for your family.
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2018/06/recognizing-the-cause-of-disruptive-aggressive-behavior/
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2020/04/repeating-yourself-wont-help-what-to-do-instead/
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2015/03/navigating-the-new-sibling-with-confidence-and-love/
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/08/new-baby-helping-our-good-kids-express-hard-feelings/
https://www.janetlansbury.com/2013/04/helping-kids-adjust-to-life-with-the-new-baby/