Which Sport for Teen?

• Son quit martial arts & I can't get him to return
• 14-year-old sports nut dominating family TV

Son quit martial arts & I can't get him to return

April 2010

I am concerned about my 8th grade son. He used to be so good at martial arts, but he has decided to quit and now just sleeps in until 10:30 or later weekends, then spends time on computer, homework, phone calls and reading (unless I have something planned), with very little interaction with peers or social activity. He has a friend he made from last MA class but since he lives out of area, we seldom see him anymore.

He attends Berkeley middle school (Willard) , and the administration there usually does very little about bullies. The same kids have hit him several times and in most cases nothing was ever done, even though he reported them. There is one teacher there who actually chuckles when he reports getting hit. The time comes when he needs to fight back since these boys are testing him to see what he's made of. He has done so in the past, and those kids subsequently left him alone. Having a martial arts background was a great help here. Frequently bullies are much bigger than he is. Being out of martial arts for so long, he will lose the skills he has developed over time. Besides, he needs the focus, exercise & discipline he gets from this.

I have tried rewards & lost privileges to get him back to Martial Arts, to no avail. We tried a different kind of MA, and he went for a while, started to get good, then suddenly refused to go. The teacher even called him to ask him to come back, but he would not even speak on the phone. He says he does not like getting up early (9:00 or 10:00 is class time) but I have never accustomed him to be a late sleeper on weekends. I am up early myself, trying to persuade him to get up. I can't stand the whole morning wasted in bed. Anyway, the previous class was also held on weekdays at 4:00 so the ''early'' time is no excuse. He also says he wants more time for his own things, but 1 1/2 hours a week (2 considering transport time) is not much time lost. Much of his time is wasted on facebook, etc. (though according to him that's not a waste).

IF anyone has any suggestions here I'd like to hear them. Concerned parent

Sounds like your son is acting like a normal teen! He can always take up martial arts again if he wants and I'm sure he has enough knowledge now to help defend himself (I'm sorry about the school bullying, that is terrible). Middle school can be a really rough time with lots of changes. I wouldn't worry about the sleeping in or facebook and moving on from martial arts, just whether he was unhappy and suffering or not, which maybe you can ask him about and let him know you can hook him up with a cool counselor if he ever wants to talk to someone. anon

As a kid I was bullied so my mother forced me to go to martial arts. I hated going although I did really well to please her. When I was 11 I told her I was not going back. She was furious at me for quitting. I have no regrets. There were other things I liked more and was better at.

Like me, your son may not like martial arts and might have been doing it to please you. On the other hand, if he likes it, then there may be another reason, i.e. depression, etc. My advice to you would be to let him pick something else to do. Ask him if there is a sport or other outdoor activity i.e. rockclimbing that he would like to pursue. When he does something that he really likes, he will gain self-confidence. Anon

I am wondering from your further details if he is clinically depressed. Could be. Has he had a GOOD psychiatric evaluation? There could be many contributory factors, including the past bullying, that could have pushed him into depression, and the refusal to get up and do anything sounds like a possible depression symptom. good luck!

14-year-old sports nut dominating family TV

1998

I need some counsel! I have a 14-year-old sports nut who would rather go hungry than miss the playoffs or the 49ers game or any hockey game that is being broadcast. We have one TV in the living room. We generally do not watch it during the week - no strict rules about it but there are just too many other things (like homework) going on.

I don't want to deprive my son of his one big passion but I REALLY HATE the sound of these games droning on and on hour after hour. Nobody else in the family enjoys sports, so we all just kind of avoid the living room during games. I'm considering getting him a little TV for his room for Xmas even though I've always been opposed to this, but I don't see any other way for the family to live with a sports maniac in its midst and still be able to use the common rooms!

I also need to come up with a limit. I'm thinking about two games per week (not counting weekends) and assuming his grades continue to be good and his homework is finished before the game. But what should I do about the other son, who would love to spend the same number of hours every week in front of the TV watching cartoons, which is something I'm not willing to allow? Help!

I don't have any advice for limiting TV watching, but as for the droning, have you checked to see if either your TV or VCR (if you have one) has a headphone jack? Our VCR does, and it's very handy on occasion. Another option might be to allow your son to move the TV to his bedroom during the games. Beth

The solution that we have at our house is the use of headphones. I don't really care for TV. I watch it occassionally. I also get migraines which until recently required that I retire to a quiet, darkened room. We have a small house, and no matter where I was, if the viewers could hear the TV so could I. My husband got a jack to plug into the existing single earphone jack on the TV (most TVs have them) so that two sets of headphones could be accomodated. Everything, headphones, extension wire, jacks for multiple headsets is available inexpensively at Radio Shack. Good luck! Holliday

Try using headphones!

I have a really sexy wireless pair that I bought at RadioShack. (900 Mhz stereo, about $100.) This let's me watch tv after the kids go to bed. Or if just one person wants to watch tv they're great.

I used to use the wired kind. They're much cheaper, but you have to deal with an extension cord.

If your tv doesn't have a jack, check for other output connections and adapt, or get one of your ee friends to put one into the set for you.

What ever you do don't buy him his own tv. It'd be way to hard to regulate. Roger

If he likes basketball as well as hockey you could be in for a long winter! Having him sit down Sunday night with a TV guide and making choices for the week seems like a reasonable procedure.

One solution for the noise issue that comes to mind is headphones. Aside from the other issues attendant to kids having their own TVs, sports are lousy to watch on small screens. In general I'd keep an eye out to see if he is spending all his time doing this alone. If you're trying to get him to emphasize watching only certain games, he can make a given game more of an event by inviting friends over (the 49ers would be an obvious choice). It may be limited, but the social interaction will be break up staring at the screen and they may all go off and play something afterwords.

I'm assuming you get cable since you're talking about midweek games. Something you could do is trade him some games for highlight shows. ESPN Sportscenter is on for one hour at 8:00 and 11:00; CNN has a half-hour show at 8:00 and I think 10:30. If he watches one of those instead of a game he cuts back on TV time and he'll see anything really remarkable that happens. The flip side is that he gets the build-up for upcoming events. Sports is a little like the soaps, there is this unending stream of things to follow, all driven by the question of what happens next.

Another way to direct his sports energies is to encourage him to sign up for the school paper on the sports staff. Good luck, Ken

\tI was a lot like your son at that age (although my particular favorites were basketball and football); so I can imagine what it's like for him being the only one in the family who likes sports. On the other hand, my passions for sports have cooled greatly over the years; so I can empathize with your position as well.

\tThe first thing I would suggest is that you don't try to institute any new rules for the next couple of weeks: if you tell your son he can't watch the World Series you're likely to have one sullen kid on your hands (I say this without knowing him at all, of course). The championship of any sport is a special time for sports fans, and even after you set up new rules you may want to relax them at those times.

\tOtherwise, your idea of limiting your son to 2-3 games a week seems a fair one. It would allow him to, say, watch the 49er game and a hockey game of his choice each week without driving the rest of you crazy. Greg