Alcohol Abuse in Teens & Young Adults
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13-year-old says she is an alcoholic
Oct 2012
I am looking for a therapist for a 13 year old girl who states she is an alcoholic. She has gotten in trouble at school and finally admitted alcohol use to her parents. She was seen at Thunder Road, but they did not think she needed their services but rather an individual therapist. Can anyone recommend a good therapist for a young teen with addiction issues? Thank you. Concerned friend
Please contact Colorado Kagan at 510-334-2255. Dr. Kagan has extensive experience in working with teens struggling with drug and alcohol addiction. Nancy T. Chin, Academic Coach
18-year-old nephew wants to drink at my house
Sept 2011
I have a tricky situation I'm trying to sort out. My sister in-law's younger brother recently moved to town and is spending a fair amount of time with us (family dinners, etc.). Apparently he's used to being allowed to drink alcohol because he does not hesitate to grab a beer out of the fridge. Nobody seems to bat an eye. I also know that his sister buys beer for him. I'm having mixed feelings because I think 18 year olds should be allowed to drink-- but the fact is it's illegal. That doesn't even bother me as much as the fact that he drives home afterward (after a beer or 2).
So my concerns have to do with the legal/liability implications of him drinking here should something happen after he leaves, and I also feel like, even though I don't want to have a zero-tolerance position on this, as parents we do have to be conscious that we're setting an example for our kid. As much as I disagree with the 21 yr. drinking age, I'm not interested in being the house where kids think they can come drink and it's totally cool.
Do I put the kabosh on letting him drink here? Or just insist that he doesn't drive afterward?
Any advice? Want to be cool but not that cool
I would suggest you explain your position just as you did in your post. Surely he will understand that though you personally disagree with the law, it is the law and it needs to be followed. If you don't feel comfortable doing that, I would at least insist he sleep over at your house so he doesn't drive after drinking. This new rule needs to be explained before he grabs his next beer. Because if he is driving drunk, you are responsible, both legally and more important morally. Robin
I think it's perfectly okay for you to say no, he can't drink in your house. You can just smile and say ''sorry guy, but the bar's closed. Come back for a beer when you're 21.'' If he pushes, you can firmly but nicely say, ''Sorry, our house, our rules.'' My hope for you is that at that point, he'll just stop. You are a relative stranger and kids usually will listen to limits in those situations.
You don't have to explain yourself--it's your house. In fact, I'd avoid explaining yourself other than the above, because it's not open for discussion, so there's no point. If he's being a pain, you can always try to shift discussion by saying ''If you want to talk over dinner about the legal drinking age, use of recreational drugs, etc., we'd all be interested in debating that. But it doesn't have anything to do with our house rules.'' This may be something he is just trying on, hoping that in your house it's all cool even if it wasn't at home, or at the homes of his friends. If you don't like it, put your foot down. your house, your rules
Your house your rules, enforce them
Live in California? California law regards serving alcohol to minors as prohibited.
Underage drinking is illegal.
What would you do if your young in-law were doing something else illegal or unacceptable in your home?
Discuss this with your family.
I know people who started drinking in their teens, it is a very hard habit to change, and often what you are witnessing ( 1-2 beers ) is only a portion of what he may be drinking every day.
These days it seems no one wants to ''be the bad guy''. People don't want to hear ''bad news'' or be ''criticized''. When something really bad happens ''They never saw it coming.''.
How far you go with this is up to you, but I would never allow teenage drinking in my home, or at any social event large or small that I was present as a responsible adult - in my house or anyone else's. If the young man has an unfortuate event driving home, you may find yourself in court criminally and finanicially liable. It looks like you may already be in noncompliance with the existing regulations: http://www.tipsalcohol.com/california-alcohol-laws.html This law also covers parents providing alcohol to minors. '' Those furnishing alcoholic beverages to minors face a misdemeanor charge regardless of the location '' Serious, don't break the law
i don't allow under age drinking at my house period. it is especially difficult when my favorite 20 year old nephew comes over during a break from school where he has been brewing his own beer for the last two years. his respect for me and our strong relationship allows the space for there to be different rules (without judgment) in different situations. he knows i have a teenager, he knows that i honor my sister's (his mother's) concerns about his driving, he knows that in 6 short months it'll be a non-issue and we'll still love each other and we can share a bottle of wine then. and, even then, i won't let him drink and drive. if not letting someone drink at your house is a deal breaker for the relationship, then they have a drinking problem. anonymous
College-Age Daughter's Alcohol Use
Oct 2008
My 19-year-old daughter is in her second year at a British university. The town is small, and the students' main social activity seems to be clubbing and drinking. My daughter, a teetotaller in high school, has taken to drinking vodka ''alcopops'': sweet, fruity, bottled drinks with about 5% alcohol content. She freely admits she has no head for the stuff, but appears to overindulge at least once a week (as do many, many British students). She talks openly to me about this practice, both by phone and e-mail, and knows my take on it: eat a good dinner beforehand, only have a couple of drinks, with lots of water and juice in between drinks; or don't drink at all. At my suggestion, she visited the National Health Service's website, took their alcohol practices test, and admitted she needed to drink less.
My daughter is a good student, has plenty of friends, and holds down a part-time job. She always goes out with a group of friends, and walks home with them or takes a cab. When she was visiting us this summer, she did not drink at all and only tried to buy alcohol on an airline flight (where she was promptly carded and refused).
My guess is that, being a worrier, she drinks too much to calm any anxieties she might have about money, boyfriends, etc., and, as an American abroad, to feel more comfortable in a group. And because it's fun, of course, but not fun for me to hear about! Her attitude about it, at least around me, is: I'm NOT an alcoholic; everyone does it! And yet she does sometimes seem to regret overindulging and feeling foolish.
My daughter is going to discuss this at her next medical check-up, and I'm also going to check in with Al-Anon to see what they have to say. My guess is that this is a phase and all that, but there is some alcoholism in my family, and I can't help worrying. Any advice?
I think it's great that your daughter communicates with you and that you are talking to her seriously about this. I am the daughter of an alcoholic who was the son of an alcoholic who was the son of the alcoholic... and I am the sister of an alcoholic as well. These things do run through families, whether it's genetic or behavioral, and I know that I do have to think about my alcohol behaviors. When I was in college I had a very difficult break-up with a boyfriend, and I found myself buying a bottle of gin to keep in the fridge. Why? Just to have a gin and tonic now and then, I loved the taste... But I realized with sudden clarity that the reason I needed the bottle there was to have medication on hand to numb the pain. In your daughter's case, you mention that she is nervous and may need to calm herself. It sounds as if she is very intelligent -- you can probably guide her to help her see that she might be using the alcohol as a medication. (Is that why she wanted a drink on the plane?) It might be OK to do this if it is in strict moderation and she understands what she is doing. But the social setting of drinking (and in Britain, people drink A LOT, and it is often very uncool not to drink) presses toward more alcohol than one should have. Keep working with her on helping her to set her own limits, to be aware of the dangers involved (yes, you get more relaxed, and then you sometimes have -- even unprotected -- sex you didn't mean to have), yes, this is a really addictive substance, especially for some people, etc. Good luck and congratulations on being a great parent. daughter of a recovered alcoholic
i grew up in the uk, and went to college there too. there is much more acceptance of alcohol and it is a large part of college social life -- going to the pub is what you do. even my sister, a doctor in the UK, drank moderately through her pregnancy and does not advise her patients to stop drinking [as pregnant US women are told to do]. so i would reassure you that your daughter's behavior is probably typical, so not to worry unduly. that said, given that you have a family history, she needs to be educated and aware of that history. it is a great sign that she is telling you all this, so i would just keep the lines of communication open and encourage moderation. judith
Last spring a college-aged Australian relative stayed with us on the way back from school abroad at a British university in a small town. He also described the heavy drinking among college students there and he participated in this as a social activity. It sounds like you are doing the right things and you are probably right that this is a phase related to the circumstances. also a college student mother
My 16-year-old daughter has been drinking with her friends
June 2007
I just discovered that my daughter (turned 16 in May)has been drinking with her girlfriends. She couldn't give me much info on how much or how often but basically it sounds like slightly more than every two weeks and that they (a group of 6 or so) pass around a bottle of vodka and drink until they feel drunk.
She has had a lot of freedom to spend the night at various girlfriend's houses- we know the parents of about half of them. She tried to impress upon me that she has shown good judgement (...) by not using harder drugs than marijuana (ie ecstasy, LSD or cocaine) and that she doesn't use at school like many of her classmates at Berkeley High. I explained to her my concerns-overdose, sexual assault, risky behavior, alcoholism etc. My husband and I plan to curtail her overnights and pay more attention to whose houses she is allowed to go to but I don't know whether or not I should talk to her girlfriend's parents. I'm afraid of alienating her from her friends and also of making her vow never to tell me anything ever again. Any advice? Conflicted Mom
The same thing happened to me a few years ago when my oldest child was 15. I found an empty bottle of vodka in his closet. He told me that he and his friend had been drinking it over several weeks, when the friend stayed overnight. I didn't call the friend's mom, and in retrosepct I wish I had. At the time, it seemed like a one-time mistake, I didn't really know the other mom, and I didn't want to sound accusing. So I told my son to let the friend know that he needed to tell his mom, or I would. But after that, for the duration of high school, there were other episodes. My experience was that there was widespread drinking at Berkeley High. There were parents who bought beer for their kids, there were parties where the parents weren't home and kids got drunk, there were sleepovers where kids got drunk.
Honestly I do not know how to tell you to prevent this if your kid really wants to do it. You can minimize it but I'm not sure you can eliminate it unless you never allow sleepovers or outings with other kids. However, I deeply appreciated the phone calls and support from other parents. Believe me, they are going to be having the same experiences you are having now, and being in contact with other adults makes these years so much easier to navigate. It's also important for the kids to know that the parents are a united front. In our case, three of us moms agreed on what our policy was about alcohol and then talked to our kids. We parents agreed to call each other at any time of day or night, if we were worried about where they were or what they were doing. There were phone calls at 2 in the morning, and then driving around Berkeley looking for them. (Fortunately they were always very strict about not driving while drinking, so they were not that hard to find.) So: Call the other parents! Not all of them will be receptive, but I bet most of them will. You just tell them that you wanted them to know, and you can say what your policy is, and that if they ever notice your daughter involved in drinking or other trouble, you would appreciate a call. All the best Been There
dear concerned mom --
i don't mean to alarm you, but what your daughter was willing to tell you is probably the tip of the iceberg. the vagueness and excuses are classic.
even if her report is absolutely accurate, 6 girls sharing a liter of vodka every couple of weeks may translate to each girl having 4-5 drinks of hard liquor, straight. which they did not obtain legally, and probably consumed under unsupervised circumstances.
how do you know this only happens every couple of weeks? that there aren't boys there? that she is ''only'' consuming that much, that she doesn't at school, that she isn't doing other drugs, that it only happens at slumber parties where nobody is driving?
i think you should talk to other parents. the fear of alienating our teens even further is a huge struggle for a lot of us, but it can be an enormous help to have some parent allies when these kinds of challenges come up. it may well be that the other parents, or some of them, have similar concerns. not every parent will agree to keep things confidential amongst parents, but a lot will. knowing you are not the only worried parents helps a lot; hearing stories and concerns via the parent network may give you a lot of useful information.
i found this out too late -- my kid was already in serious trouble by the time i started really talking to other parents. [and i don't mean to suggest your kid is in serious trouble -- but it sure would have helped to have known more, earlier, in our case.] when we did start talking, really talking, it turned out that several other kids in the group were in trouble, too. just sharing information gave other families courage.
i am personally very grateful for a few parent calls i've gotten. the first one, accusing my beautiful boy of being a bad influence, i deeply resented at the time -- but i found out later that the parent caller was right. [a suggestion: mutual cooperation about a concern is a better tack to take than, ''you are a failure as a parent.'' just saying.] after we reluctantly turned to more intense interventions and started really talking, we heard a lot that confirmed we had made the right choice.
more recently, my son's girlfriend's parents told me secretly when he got a DUI, and then they talked him into telling me himself. i am so not thrilled that he got the DUI, but they are angels in my book.
parenting teens is the hardest thing i've ever done. just as when we were new parents and got so much advice and information from everyone, it helps a LOT for parents of teens to be talking. anonymom
Personally, I'm not for teen drinking. Not only is it risky (drinking VODKA??!!!), kids can easily drink too much and I know a few who have ended up in the hospital, they get out of control too fast (girls guzzling hard alcohol), it's illegal last time I checked for kids under 21 to drink (did you ask where they got the alcohol from?), and it is not a healthy way to treat either your body or your mind. To relax there are other healthy things to do, and for fun there are MANY other things to do. And most of all it can create dependance in someone so young to be regularly drinking the hard stuff especially! And then there's the hangover... So, there's where I'm coming from. I would put my foot down right now. And I would call the other parents and talk with them. Being afraid of your daughter not taking to you again, is the least of your worries here. She will see that you care about her and pointing out dangerous behaviour is your job. There is probably more stuff that she's not telling you anyway. If she has been doing this regularly then she's probably been around people who have drank too much and have done stupid/dangerous things. Did you discuss that? Talk about the health of her liver and that kids who abstain from drugs and alcohol until they are older (21-ish) are less likely to become addicted adults. If you have alcoholism in your families then it's more risky for her also. I would try and put an end to it immediately. concerned mom
My 16 year old is very social and naturally has/is experimenting with drink/smoke/etc. I expect her to exhibit some risk taking behavior. (Dr. Lynn Ponton writes about teens and risk taking...she's fantastic).
I've been discussing these issues with my kid since she was very young and that makes it easier, she's accustomed to talking to me about complex, even uncomfortable issues.
I've told her that her day-to-day freedoms depend on my gut-feeling that she's being safe in the world. I've expressed, over years of conversation, that I trust her and I do. But I'm not a fool, either. I remember my teenage years. My daughter knows what I think.... if she's going to make grown-up/sophisticated social decisions then she certainly ought to be sufficiently mature and confident to explalin and discuss those choices.
She's finishing her Jr. year at Albany High. I don't want her to be alone at College without having had the experience of considering and evaluating and discussing important choices, with me. Albany High Parent
Alcohol use can damage the pre-frontal cortex of the brain while it is still forming. I've been telling my grandson this since he was very young. I'm hoping that will make alcohol experimentation less attractive to him. You need to hang on to as much brain as you can. In your twenties, when the brain is ''done'', you can always have a drink then. barbara
Found a stash of booze in 15-y-o's room
July 2004
While painting our son's room, we found a stash of booze. We we very surprised. Our son is 15. Has anyone else experienced this, and if so, how did you handle it. Do you think it is what they all experiment with? L.
I haven't gone through this personally as a parent (and hope NOT to), but I drank as a young teenager and so speak from that perspective. I had an alcoholic mom, who did a lot of solitary drinking, but I myself drank in social situations. I don't ever remember having a drink at home-unless my mother was out and my friends were over-and even then it was from HER gallon of wine that lived in the kitchen. It was more a thing to do with my friends outside my house. I would worry if I found alcohol in my kid's room, honestly. I would talk to my kid very frankly, but without getting mad. They may have some very sensitive issues that they are dealing with and really need a place to cry or express themselves (though may not want to talk about). Drinking numbs, but it can also allow one to ''let it all out''. It really distorts feelings. If your kid is drinking whether it is socially or alone, I would get them to a therapist. They need to know that they can experiment, but it can sometimes turn into a crutch and a much more far-reaching problem. In order to stop any type of self-destructive behavior the person themself needs to figure out the reasons for the behavior or at least recognize that it's bad for them. and want to stop. You can help your teen by giving him the support and by helping explore the resources that he needs. Good luck. teenage drinker
I found a empty tequila bottle in my 15-year-old's closet. The first thing I did is imagine him sitting in his closet by himself in the dark, drinking it straight out of the bottle! That isn't what happened though. As it turned out he had help from plenty of his friends. We talked about it in depth, and I phoned the mom of the friend he said he was drinking with and talked to her too. After that, I made sure my alcohol was locked up, and he had few opportunities to drink at home without my knowing. Even still, there were a couple of other incidents, which I knew about from talking to his friends' parents, and from what he said, and from observing a very drunken teenager one New Year's Eve. And when he went off to college I found another stash of empty liquor bottles. He is over 21 now, and from what he tells me, he still drinks, sometimes to excess. He is a very sociable party-guy type of person. I don't know what to tell you - it is very disturbing and I still worry about it. But it did seem to start at age 15 just like your son. My other son is also very social but has never been a big drinker. So I guess some kids just really want to try alcohol while others don't.
Minors with alcohol in vehicle
Jan 2004
My son, age 20, went into a store with his friend who is 21. The friend bought some beer, which was put (un- opened) in the trunk of my son's car. As soon as my son pulled away from the curb, a policeman pulled him over and gave him a ticket under DMV code #23224 which states that ''No person under the age of 21 may knowlingly drive a vehicle containing any alcoholic beverage, unless accompanied by a parent, other responsible adult . . .'' My son was surprised that he had done anything wrong - ''I'm just giving my buddy a ride home.'' I didn't know about this law and neither did any of my friends. So I thought it'd be a good thing to publicize.
Regarding the posting about the 20-year old who received a citation for allowing his 21-year old passenger to have (unopened) alcohol in the trunk.
I looked up the law and was astounded at what I found.
Penalties include:
(c) If the vehicle used in any violation of subdivision (a) or (b) is registered to an offender who is under the age of 21 years, the vehicle may be impounded at the owner's expense for not less than one day nor more than 30 days for each violation. (d) Any person under 21 years of age convicted of a violation of this section is subject to Section 13202.5. [note: this is a one-year suspension of drivers license] (e) Any person convicted for a violation of subdivision (a) or (b)is guilty of a misdemeanor and shall be punished upon conviction by a fine of not more than one thousand dollars ($1,000) or by imprisonment in the county jail for not more than six months, or by both that fine and imprisonment.
The law applies to anyone under 21 who is not accompanied by or acting under the reasonable instructions (to dispose of the alcohol) of a parent, responsible adult relative, any other adult designated by the parent, or legal guardian.
This is all the more surprising because at 18 years and older people aren't normally assumed to be under the care of a parent, adult relative or guardian.
Surprised parent
Availability of Drugs and Alcohol
Parenting seemed so easy when the kids were young. Now it is a challenge every day! I have two boys who are just about to turn 15 (going on 20) and 12 (still a little sweetie for now...). I could definitely use help. For example, what do you do when you come home and find your 14-year-old and his friends drinking white russians??
Re: alcohol/drugs and kids staying out because they're afraid to come home loaded. Alcohol is available to every kid - most often the beers you or other adults have in the refrigerator or the wine you have in yr cellar. Drugs are also as available as Pepsi. I made it clear to both my kids that I'd drive anywhere at any hour- even if they were breaking curfew or they were somewhere I might not approve of- if they called and didn't want to drive or didn't feel that there was a safe driver available or if they simply needed my help. I'd do it and they'd have amnesty. I'd rather have them home, safe. So far it's never been needed.
I share similar concerns and observations regarding old Provo Park and the availability of drugs and alcohol among Berkeley High students. In the past few months, a drug counselor was hired to work in the BHS Health Center, to address the alcohol and substance abuse problems among BHS students, and to work with parents. This position is temporary and I believe we should support a permanent one at BHS. The use of alcohol and drugs is very prevalent, with students even making videos and the yearbook quoting students on their use and excessiveness. It's important for all of us parents to realize how widespread it is. From discussions with school administrators, they find it hard to act on all of this, because the parent community is not unified or supportive of the administration when they take steps to deal with kids getting high at the Park, during Spirit Week, at various school events. The fact is that drugs and alcohol are being used by students from all sectors of the student population....from the highest achieving to the lowest. This is not a safe situation for our kids. Regardless of all of our past experiences during the 60s and 70s, our job as parents is to bring them up in a safe environment and to work together for an educational setting that is not out of control.
Just an additional note on the drugs in the park problem, there are a lot of kids at B-high who do not participate in this activity, some with actual veiwpoints on the issue, others for other reasons. I have heard from many kids that Albany HS is known as the drug HS, and that they would never want to go there. My take on this is that there may be a lot of kids at BHS who do drugs, but don't forget we have what, about 4,000 students, and the percentage of total students into drugs is probably no higher than in other places.
That’s a tough one considering the independence part. But I’m not sure this is the way to do it. Adult “hosted parties” are against the law. This won’t be the only party I bet. Eventually, the law catches up with the adults, or the kids wind up getting DUI’s or getting killed in a wreck. It could be an tough & decision expensive lesson to learn… I’d set some ground rules about drinking and driving- and say these people are probably fun but they won’t be there if something happens.
I am not very impressed with the girlfriend’s parents offering alcohol to minors. Unfortunately that is likely out of your control. What I always told my son is that if you drink or do drugs don’t drive. Call me and I will pick you up and I will not be mad at you and you will not get in trouble. You really have to mean it. Secondly I encouraged him to use Uber. To this day he and his friends use Uber or BART or one person agrees to not drink. Not that he didn’t overdo it sometimes in college but then he just walked back to his dorm. This is a really hard part about being a parent. The important thing is you want him to be able to talk to you without you freaking out. It is also OK for you to express what you are concerned about but it’s best if you can do it respectfully adult to adult (I know it is hard to see him as an adult but he is almost there). Best wishes to you.
While I come from a family of people who would rather indulge in eating sugar than in drinking alcohol (and find it just doesn't taste good after one or two drinks), I completely understand your concern. Alcohol is readily available to teens regardless of rules. I know this from personal experience, as I had my first tastes of alcohol at age 13 or so, and drank "socially" through jr high, high school and college (and lied to my parents about it), and as an adult with having a few glasses of wine here and there because I like the taste. Perhaps the parents of the girlfriend were treating them with respect as young adults, implying that they know they could have access to alcohol whenever they wanted but trust that they have "good judgement" and are going to be mature and enjoy a drink in a social situation but not over do it? My question to you was, what was your observation of their behavior? Did these young people drink responsibly by only having a little bit and not get "hammered"? As a parent, I think the guidance needed is to ensure young people understand what "responsible drinking" looks like - drinking moderately, not driving after drinking, always having a designated driver who doesn't have any alcohol at all, discussing the short and long term health effects of alcohol, especially binge drinking, negative outcomes of people who eventually become alcoholics, etc. My kids are now 22 and 26 and definitely "partied" in college and maybe a little in high school, and aside from having parents who were good role models as super moderate drinkers, they were well versed in being responsible drinkers. Now they barely drink alcohol, to the point where with my son especially, he will order a drink, he has a few sips, then doesn't drink it all, and it sits on the table and ends up getting thrown out. So I think your best bet is to open the lines of communication to have good conversations about being a responsible drinker, safe behavior, living a healthy lifestyle, etc. If in the long term you observed poor behavior, or alcoholism became a concern, I would find a doctor who would be interested in prescribing Naltrexone, which has been shown to amazingly decrease the craving for alcohol, which when taken before drinking, will allow the person to have a drink but then not really want more than one drink. I have read a lot about it and am amazed that it is not used as a first resort for alcohol abuse treatment.
This is always tough to navigate having an just turned 18 year old myself. Harm reduction is great place to start. And setting rules that also reduce probable harms is the job. First I would contact those parents and tell them that under no circumstances are they to serve or allow your child to drink while at their house. Second I would be absolutely clear with your kid they cannot drive to parties where they intend to drink. Either drive them or get them a Lyft. Perhaps coordinate with other parents. He doesn’t get to set the rules while he lives in your home. I assume you pay the car insurance at the least so nothing to argue about here.
It seems to me that a big part of the focus of your conversations here should be the immediate risks of drinking (getting into situations where you think consent isn't important, serious and unacceptable risks of driving drunk) in addition to the more long term risks of addiction. I have a lot of conversations with my kid about drinking and how normalized it is and how dangerous and potentially powerful an addiction it can be. This is a frequent conversation in our house.
I would expect to have a very serious conversation with my kid about a firm zero tolerance policy about drinking and driving. Something like, "look, we don't approve of drinking, we've talked about the reasons we don't think it is appropriate for teens to drink. But I need to be very clear that if you are going to drive, you need to understand that as a firm commitment that you're not drinking (or smoking weed) at this party. This isn't something where we're going to be offering second and third chances. You will be relinquishing your provisional drivers license the first time you drink and drive. Full stop." You might want to figure out a plan B, like that if he does choose to drink he can call and you'll come get him. You're not going to be angry with him for making the responsible choice.
So there are kind of two conversations here:
Hi, there! I would like to chime in, as the mother of a now 19-year-old, whose father is a recovered/recovering alcoholic. Alcohol was the thing I most feared my child experimenting with, as, like their father, they have a very anxious temperament (from what I've read, anxious folks are more likely to become addicted to alcohol because of the way it relieves symptoms over the short-term, but increases anxiety over the long term). My child has no interest in alcohol, and actually played the role of responsible care-taker of their friends at parties they went to where alcohol was available, throughout high school. Here's how their father and I handled the issue:
My kid is now an honest, trustworthy college student, double major in science. They've never had a drink. They are not interested, as they've taken our cautioning and conversations seriously. I wish you the best of luck with your situation.
Oh, I wanted to add one more thing: we also expressed a great deal of trust in our child--that we trusted them to make good choices. Kids tend to want to live up to their parents trust and good opinion, so I definitely employed that as a strategy.
I always told my daughter that one side of her family is all alcoholics and teetotalers and the other side of the family is all moderate drinkers, and I didn't know what set of genes she got. I asked her to keep that in mind when opportunities for drinking came up and to remember that the later you start drinking the less likely you are to become an alcoholic. I repeated this as often as the subject came up. So far, so good: She's 20 and at college, and while there was some underage drinking it was infrequent and modest. She views herself as someone who will more often than not be the designated driver. Good luck!
One flag I wanted to raise, which it sounds like you're already aware of, is that genetic predisposition to addiction, and alcohol addiction in particular, is very real and makes a big difference.
My partner and I will regularly share a tall boy after work. I think that's ¾ of a beer each. And then we're done. Our child, who is adopted and has a family history of alcoholism and substance abuse, discovered booze when he got to high school and was quickly all in on it. He expressed genuine surprise that we didn't just keep drinking until all the liquor in the house is gone -- the idea of stopping at one drink made absolutely no sense to him. Thankfully, he had a few back to back experiences that were not life altering but did convince him that he just cannot drink alcohol.
This is just one more anecdata point, but when folks are saying "teens all drink and it levels out; he'll be fine" you should trust your gut and your own experience.
I’m curious what you think about your son’s judgement in other areas of his life? It sounds like he is open with you — it’s great that he told you about the party and the poor judgement of the adults hosting the party, and I’m curious if he was telling you with the perspective of “isn’t this insanely risky of these adults?”
Every teen is different, and every teen is often still the person they were in elementary school and middle school. what is his risk tolerance in general? Is he a thrill seeking, high stimulation kind of person? My teen is very risk adverse, and when I would ask him about alcohol use among his peers (a great proxy for “are you drinking?” he would speak honestly about his take on the decisions and behaviors around substances that his friends were making.
That said, if drinking were likely in the picture (eg, the bonfire party) I would firmly insist on brainstorming safe options for transportation.
This is in many ways similar to talking with your kid about birth control and STI prevention with his new partner. You can support his independence and also say “I want to set aside some time to talk about x y and z — when can we do that?” And then be able to say “I’m concerned about x y and z (drunk driving, bad decision making while under the influence of substances) — tell me what your take is on this, what thoughts have you had and what plans have you put in place? What kinds of good and bad decisions have you seen your friends making around this?”
It’s not easy to do any of this, but you sound like you have a really good foundation for getting it done! Good luck.
Those parents were ignorant fools. I see on BPN all the time the idea that teen drinking and substance use is inevitable and far more widespread than they actually are nowadays. Kids are having much less booze, drugs, and sex than they used to. The SF Chronicle has had recent articles about Gen Z's very negative perception of alcohol. It's ok to discourage him from drinking. It's OK to acknowledge that sooner or later he'll probably try it, but you encourage later, and now is too soon. The more that brain matures before he tries drinking, the more judgement he'll have to keep from doing something stupid (particularly if he has a history of social issues). All that said, emphasize that if he's ever in a situation where he needs a ride, he gets one with your gratitude that he called you.