Advice about Sex

Boyfriend is refusing sex because I complained

My boyfriend has always gotten just about whatever he wanted from me in bed. I have gone above and beyond my comfort level to engage in very kinky things to please him. He is also very selfish. It's all about him, and there has been little interest in my style of sex or my sexual needs. I don't expect perfection, just compromise, or getting my way some of the time. I get my way precisely never.

I finally told him that he's very selfish and our sex could be more fulfilling, and it's a big deal to me that he never makes the effort to give me orgasms. I've had zero with him, but I'm capable if he were only interested in doing his part. I also refuse to fake orgasms, because I deserve to have the real thing. I told him that we have to grow as a couple.

He is very masculine and his pride is very hurt. He said I have no tact and I should have sugarcoated it. I disagree because in his dealings, he is always very direct, despite hurting my feelings. I also needed him to really hear it and not just brush this off because I was too nice in my delivery.

I want us to work together to have a mutually satisfying sex life. I can't live the rest of my life with unsatisfying sex. It makes me listless and hopeless.

The downside is now he doesn't want any sex at all. He says he just has no libido right now and I caused it, but he wants a relationship with me. In the long term, a relationship without sex is a dealbreaker (even bad sex is better than no sex). Of course I can be understanding in the short term (obviously, since I've put up with his self-centered sex so long).

I want to work through this together, but being straighforward and honest only backfired. I'm not pushing him at all to have sex with me. I've hoped that he will deal with his disappointment/feelings of failure and work it out with me, but he has only retreated. I really need to get laid, and fix this problem.

He would absolutely not be willing to see a therapist or doctor. What should I do?

And so on the second point, yes, you need to fix this problem. Not literally--castrating him would only win you a charge of aggravated battery--but figuratively, by breaking up with this schmuck, and finding someone who can love you back.
Not to put too fine a point on it...

I hope this is not too direct: I think he has serious growth ahead of him, and there's a possibility that this 'project' may be too much for you to tackle. My suggestion: start setting and announcing landmarks/time limits for improvement, beyond which you may have to part ways. This will either shock him into the seriousness of your needs or hasten the unravelling of an undesireable situation. I wish you the best, whatever course you take.

Oh, one last thing: I hope that you can see and use 'masculine' (in quotes) when explaining your boyfriend's obstinacy/selfishness to your needs. Maybe this was how my gender tended to act more in the past. I think more and more of us now see that it pays off (and it's lovely) to pay attention, to learn, and to explore the mysteries of body and sex. anon

Regardless of anything, this is not the way to run a relationship. You SAID that you said mean things to him. This is not nice. If you want to break up with the guy, break up with him. If you want to address sexual issues, do so out of the sack, in as positive a way as possible. If you do this several times and he doesn't respond, THEN you zap him. Come on. This stuff is basic.

But let's talk about you. I have some advice. I am a multi-generation Californian (Northern) and realized about twenty years ago that the way that we raise girls around here leaves a little to be desired. Girls (at least when I was growing up) were taught that being ''NICE'' was good. Screw honesty. This is a lovely concept, and works for Some women. For other women, it makes them bitter, closet drinkers, or just nasty. Do you want this? Probably not.

I would suggest that you spend a little time getting to know yourself and noticing all of the times you try to be ''nice,'' especially about stuff that's really bothering you. Then cut it out. Gradually. If someone's loud chewing bothers you, tell them nicely that you're highly neurotic and their chewing drives you nuts. Go ahead and apologize for it if you're being wierd. What the heck. But get it out. Practice a bit.

If you love this guy, then you need to apologize, cop to the fact that you let yourself get way too mad, and work harder. If you are going to marry this guy (and yes, you should think about marriage. If not now, then you should be practicing for it.), then you'll have to live with him and yourself forever. Develop the communication skills now. Learn to talk about your needs and dislikes with humor, and in a ''here's the problem, let's fix it'' way. This is the type of lesson that many people don't learn until after their first marriage and after the first five years of therapy laugh

Be honest. Don't try to be too nice. If you do and let yourself get too mad, cop to your fault in the matter and apologize.

Lastly, if this guy is really selfish, re-think why you're with him. I didn't get married until I was 35 and ended up spending 100K in infertility because really, you don't have forever. If this guy isn't someone you can really partner up with, toss him and go find someone else who you can. Life is short. Not Fake Nice - But a Great Person!

I had a boyfriend once who berated me for not sugarcoating my opinions or insinuating them into his psyche somehow so that he'd think it was his idea. He was Chinese, I'm white and I told him (we were living in China at the time) that if that was the way they do it in his country then he should go out and find a Chinese woman and that I was not going to manipulate him. Since then, I have gotten the impression that this is not just a Chinese thing but a feature of many relationships and many cultures. you sound like you know what you're willing and not willing to live with and the same is true for him. That's a good thing. It can't hurt for you to see a therapist by yourself to figure out what you want to do about it.

I think people's sex lives are often a litmus for the rest of the relationship. I get the feeling your BF is hiding behind his masculine facade so he doesn't have to deal with you of his own feelings of inadequacy. What if he actually tries to get you off and fails? that would be a much bigger blow to his inflated ego. Have you asked yourself why you stay? There are other men out there who would be more interested in you and your needs. good luck

Seriously, if you are a parent requesting advice about how to get more sex out of a partner who is unwilling to compromise, you have bigger issues on your plate than just figuring out a way to get laid. If there are kids involved, the advice you would receive, at least from me, would be totally different than what I would tell a single, childless woman, which frankly, that's who it sounds like you are from your post. If a parent, you might consider reposting with essential details like whether or not he's the father of your child(ren), what age(s) your children are, is your relationship working (ie is there compromise in other aspects of your relationship?) otherwise? In which case I might offer the suggestion of going to see a therapist on your own for guidence and gaining essential tools for just such a relationship where more than just you (ie your child(ren)) would be affected if you should decide to leave the relationship.

If not a parent, I would say move on, find someone who will make you happy and is willing to compromise, because that's what relationships are all about, in the end. Compromise. ESPECIALLY, if and when you bring kids into the picture. All that said, if you are the latter and not a parent, I frankly, don't feel you should be addressing a parents forum for advice. anon

Seriously When your single you should have an awesome sex life, something that you can look back for the rest of your life and relish on. The last thing you want is to start off with a poor sex life and go downhill from there. I suggest you find a new boyfriend that satisies your sex life over and above. Theres plenty of Fish in the sea, especially guys that will want to do this for you. Sex is only going to downhill as your relationship matures. Whenever you marry and have kids you will probably be the one with lack of libido and your husband will be the one complaining. Thinking of any kind of counselling for your significant other before marriage is another good reason to get out of a relationship. concerned male

The one thing that sticks out as a possibility in my mind is that he is afraid he won't do what you want the right way, that he doesn't KNOW how to do what you want, and is afraid of feeling immasculated if the Big O doesn't come storming out of you when he does try. Poor guy; it's hard to be macho, isn't it? Well, dear, it sounds like you've done what you can do, pretty much. You certainly can't force him to have sex with you, but you can tell him what you've just told all of us: a no sex relationship is a deal breaker (and by the way, there's no reason to accept bad sex, either) and that you and he work on this together, or you're going to have to break it off. Oh, and tell him that pouting and trying to punish you is simply NOT going to work. I also don't buy that shit about his libido right now... no, no, honey... he's punishing you because he feels like a loser. You could offer to guide him; take a few interesting classes at Good Vibes (check their website), plan some really erotic evenings (with his consent) during which you show him exactly what to do to please you. And try to be compassionate about his fragile ego. BUT, if he just can't/won't come through for you, you should probably check yourself out of this relationship and find a more accommodating man. --good sex is better than bad sex.

Difficulty communicating about sex

Wondering if anyone has advice on how to communicate with spouse about sex in a constructive, open way. My husband is a wonderful man whom I love deeply (married 10 years, two young children), but I don't feel I can talk to him openly about my needs because he is extremely moody and sensitive, and of course, there's the problem of male pride that requires extra tact and diplomacy. One day I got tired of having to be so ''delicate'' and just blurted out my frustrations, which turned out to be the biggest mistake in the universe. The main issues are my desire for more love in making love and less sexual fantasy (involving multiple partners, which does not appeal to me but I go along with it to make him happy), and his desire for me to fondle him for a great length of time in the beginning (which I get bored and tire of, but again, go along with to make him happy). Any ideas? anon

I've too pretended that I liked things thinking it was the path to getting my own needs met & it's never worked- I've learned that sex & life go better when my actions are honest. Not to say that I don't do things in bed for my partner's pleasure, only that if I'm doing them in a way I enjoy & don't feel like I'm just servicing him, it's exciting for me to feel him respond.

I've explored & experimented, having fun discovering what I like to give & get, what's an erotic turn-on for me, & I've felt more loving & sexy than when I did what I thought I was supposed to. With fellatio I used to do the old 'up & down' until my jaw locked! I've found that what I really like to do is slowly & sensually explore my partner's genitals with my mouth & hands, & both of us love it!

I've discovered that asking for simple little things like would you run your finger along that tender seam where my thigh meets my hip? can open whole new doors.

My boyfriend is prone to feeling blamed (about anything!) & I felt like I had to be super careful with him. It's taken many times of saying to him, we're in this together, I love you, I'm not blaming you, I want to be open with each other & not walk on eggshells, for him to begin to get that he can trust me not to attack him or to betray our intimacy.

We all have our pride & sensitivity about out sexual selves. Years ago, a man I was deeply involved with blurted out something very intimate & negative about me- I was devastated.

All any of us can do in life is to change our own behaviour. I find that approaching problems as they arise, catching them when they're fresh, works better than long re-hashings of the past. Most of the time catching them means catching myself about to do or say something that's not true to myself. I don't always know what I want to do instead, but I find that if I just let a new space open up, new things will happen. It can be scary & there's no guarantee that I'm going to like what happens, but at least I'm free of the burden of trying to be someone I'm not. anon

Spotting/blood after Sex

Hello everyone, We've been trying to get pregnant but i have been having some strange spotting after we have sex. obviously it's unprotected so that is the only factor i can see that may be sparking the spotting i get afterward.

the last 3 times we tried, i would spot lightly (pink/brown like before a period) for up to a full week after the sex. and it's happening again - but this time seems more blood/less pink/brown - still only pantyliners worth. implantation spotting is supposedly 4-7 days after - and i wasn't pregnant any of those times so that isn't it.

i went to my NP at kaiser and they did a pap and tested for STD's and nothing came up, she also did an ultra sound to see if anything was going on in there.

now i'm frustrated because i feel like if i go back to the doc they will just chalk it up to another female abnormality they can't explain.

we had our first child 2 years ago, very little trying...=D also, the birth was pretty traumatic, they used suction and i had a 4th degree tear - and i bled for over a month after the birth - which is well above the normal period as well.

has anyone had a similar experience and found out what it was? could this be keeping us from getting pregnant?

your help is appreciated! trying not to worry

Washing up after sex

Okay, I just watched an episode of Sex and the City from the 1st season in which Miranda's seeing a guy who goes and takes a shower immediately after they have sex. She basically tells him he's a freak and that sex is not dirty. Now I'm wondering if I'm a freak because I like to clean up afterward. I don't need to take a shower, but I don't like to lie around all sticky, either. My husband can clean up or not, depending on how tired he is. We are each other's one and only, so have noone else to compare to. I don't think I'll change depending on your answers, but I'm kind of curious . sn