Playground & Park Etiquette

Related Pages:  Intervening with Other People's Kids ... More Advice about Playgrounds ... More Advice about Etiquette

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Archived Q&A and reviews ▼

Parent Q&A

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  • Masks at playgrounds

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    Nov 23, 2020

    How is everyone handling people who aren't masked at playgrounds? At least in Berkeley, there are signs everywhere requiring masks for kids and adults, but obviously some people just ignore them, including those with kids perfectly capable of handling it. It drives me crazy to see people acting like rules don't apply to them, but beyond that, these parents are sending a bad message to the kids and putting the rest of us in untenable positions. Would love any strategies anyone has arrived at. 

    Nov 23, 2020

    I hate to say it but I don't think the mask situation at playgrounds is any different than any other public space. I just got back from a walk on the Ohlone Greenway, very well traveled by cyclists and pedestrians, and about half were masked. (I was!) Many people just don't think it's a priority outside. You certainly can say something to parents or older children but I wouldn't expect to make a huge dent in the problem. You have to decide whether or not the risk is worth it to your family. :(

    Nov 24, 2020

    I'm not really concerned about no masks outside.  From extensive research and discussion with doctors, Covid has an extremely difficult time to spread outside.  Although these may be the "rules", I put my focus more on where my child will be at risk.  I'd advise if you don't feel comfortable with you child at the park with potentially unmasked children, to not take your child to the park.

    Nov 25, 2020

    I really wish Public Health would address this. My approach has been to sanitize swings before my kids play on them if there is no one around. If I see a lot of kids - we just avoid it. I was at Fairyland and saw to s of 7/8/9 yr olds not wearing masks. At one point I yelled at my kids “Don’t play near maskless kids!” It worked but shamed all the other kids. I don’t want this generation to be ashamed/scared, but I also want the nonchalant Russians at Heather Farms park to mask their kids ;) 

    As a law enforcement officer, I would recommend just walking away. People are crazy even if they are parents. Have a conversation with your kids before going out to play if they are old enough to take turns when others are around.

    Nov 25, 2020

    The situation will only change if there's a credible risk of being fined for not wearing a mask, and it doesn't seem that cities are willing to go there. If you know anyone who can influence the city to get them to start ticketing people for not wearing masks (would be a great way to raise revenue!), then persuade them to get this happening! Without that, you'll simply have to adjust your expectations and try not to get upset or stressed when you see people without masks. Yes, they are idiots putting us all at risk, but if they haven't got the message by now they are just too selfish to ever change. 

    Nov 25, 2020

    This has been driving me crazy. I just try to keep my kid away from those kids, because he's so excited about the playgrounds being open. If I see a ton of unmasked kids, we go somewhere else. If it's just a few, I say loudly if he's near them that it's not safe for him to play near kids without masks. Then I physically move him if I need to (he's only 2, so easy to grab and move). 

    Nov 25, 2020

    I agree this is very frustrating. I do think people are getting better over time as they see other kids with masks.

    If a kid has a mask but has pulled it down I'll politely ask them to pull it up. Mostly they do. 

    If the playground is not too crowded we try to stay in a different area.

    If the playground is quite crowded and there are a lot of unmasked kids/adults we usually leave :(

    Nov 25, 2020

    We go to playgrounds early, like right after breakfast, arriving around 8:30am. They’re usually empty or nearly empty so we can keep our distance from other families. Once it gets too crowded to distance, usually around 10am, we leave. I don’t see any point in confronting people who don’t mask. Yes, they’re selfish and wrong, but we can’t kick them out of the park so best to just arrange your schedule in a way that reduces the risk to your family. The only exception to this is one time when there were a couple kids who had masks hanging from lanyards around their necks and they’d clearly just forgotten to put them on and their parent wasn’t paying attention - I asked the kids to put their masks on and they did so right away. 

    Nov 25, 2020

    I recently approached a parent at a park and asked that they help their child with her mask (she was at least five years old). He seemed a bit irritated, but he complied. I think that there are still many people for whom masks are not normalized and I’m of the opinion that direct non-aggressive communication is the most productive route. 

    Nov 25, 2020

    I'm not into confronting non-masked people and have left several park situations due to people completely disregarding masking and distancing rules. Parks have been really hit or miss for us this year as such. It's a bummer.
    The only thing I would imagine you could do is buy a box of disposable kid and adult size masks and offer them to folks as needed. You could also consider writing and posting a sign, parent-to-parent, pleading with them to comply. Honestly though, my instinct is if they're disregarding the rules they are also probably enjoying the benefits of having other families avoid them thus allowing them more free reign of the park.

    Nov 25, 2020

    We were just at a park in Alameda last weekend with 4 older kids running around without masks. They were 8-13 years old. I asked the father if he had masks for them. He also had two younger kids without masks and asked if he had to have them all in a mask. I responded "any child over 3 by law should be wearing a mask-if they can't then they should not be at the park."  He seemed annoyed but went to the car and got his kids' masks. I've decided to start speaking up. Why should my family have to leave a public park because we don't feel safe around kids/parents that aren't following the guidelines?    

    Dec 2, 2020

    I am not sure of the ages of these noncompliant kids, but I hope you can exercise some grace.  Our son is 2 and has severe sensory issues.  He's had a full-on panic attack from getting sand on bare feet at the beach.  We are patiently and consistently working on these issues, but it's not overnight or easy.  You have no idea how many tears I've cried about how trapped we are in the house because he won't - and frankly cannot - wear a mask without hyperventilating.  Our record is 3 min.  We have ventured to some playgrounds precisely because research shows risk is low outside, and because guidance is for kids *over* 2 (ie: 3+), but we were shamed out of the park the past weekend despite deliberately going to other structures when other children came near, and doing our level best to create significant distance between our family and others.  The worst was a parent who said "if my 1 year old can wear a mask, yours can too" and effectively accused me of being a COVID-19 denier.  When I explained my son's challenge and that we were creating distance, low risk outdoors, etc. they were even more cruel.  This is not a contest, and all kids aren't the same, and parents struggling are doing everything they can for a child with special needs - some of which may not be visible running around the playground.

    Dec 2, 2020

    I've asked a couple of parents to help their kids put masks on and haven't had any negative reactions - one said he didn't have a mask for his kid, but he was nice about it at least (so the approach of carrying disposable masks would have worked there). We usually avoid the parks if there are too many kids there, but I'm all for asking people nicely to put masks on their kids because I think it's important to create the culture of wearing masks, and a culture of us all being in this together and doing our part to keep each other safe. 

    Dec 2, 2020

  • Playdates at parks inclusion

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    May 9, 2019

    When we're at parks with a friend, sometimes a third child will want to join. Sometimes my child and her friend are okay with it, but sometimes not. I don't know how much to force it. I feel bad for the other kid, but I also feel like it's just a playdate and they should be able to play with each other. It only gets more awkward when we kind of know the other kid. We've also been on the other side of it too. My child has seemed to accept it when the kids run off with each other or say no, but I know she's disappointed. What do you do? They're all early elementary school aged. Is there wording I should be teaching for inclusion or exclusion? Should I push inclusion more when they do know each other? I also know that this will be come back on them when the rejected child sees my child next...ouch. Signed, overthinking parent

    May 9, 2019

    That is a tricky situation that I have observed with my kid, primarily as the odd one out. My son (now 7) has always been an outgoing kid who enjoys playing with everyone and is not shy approaching other kids and playing with them. I observed this often when he was age 2-5 and we would go to playgrounds or Kindergym a lot.

    I noticed that with sibling groups (or sometimes nanny share groups or best friend groups), there was a tendency for them to kind of team up and tell my son he couldn't play with them. And not in a way where they were objecting to something he was doing, i.e. he wasn't being rough or rude or anything. It was tricky because my value that I taught my son was that in a public place, anyone is allowed to play; you can't exclude a kid from part of the playground just because that kid is not related to you or one of your friends. However, I can't force other children to subscribe to my values, especially if their parents support exclusion. I would just take deep breaths and remind myself that these kids were in fact preschoolers who would learn soon enough in kindergarten that yes they have to share the playground with everyone and no they're not entitled to sit next to their best friend all the time.

    As it turns out, my son is very adaptable and generally found ways to interact positively with exclusionary kids so that they warmed up to him and the next thing I knew, they'd all be playing some game together. He still is this way.

    If the kids in question are already in elementary school, then they almost certainly have heard about inclusion in the classroom. I would highly doubt your child's teacher actively supports exclusion of other children. Perhaps your child's teacher can tell you what kind of language the school uses about inclusion so that you are using consistent terminology.

    In short, public playgrounds are public. Your living room is a better place for exclusive time.

    May 15, 2019

    It so depends on the situation and the game being played.  I have two very social kids (early elementary) and my youngest is a very shy preschooler and we often do playdates in playground with their friends and sometimes just my three kids.  I personally don't intervene unless there is violence, harsh words exchanged, etc. (though so far I only intervened once when a bigger kid was being mean to my preschooler and it escalated fast so I intervened as it looked like my older son was about to hit him in little brother's defense).   Kids need to learn to navigate playgrounds on their own and learn the pros and cons of inclusion and exclusion, how to play with other kids, and how to make their wishes known to others and navigate the social scene.  I will never make my kids play with someone they don't want to (unless it is a kid they invited for a playdate and changed their mind or it is a guest in our house) but I will make sure my kids are polite about it.  There is a difference between excluding a child from a public space (i.e. telling another kid you cannot play on slide or be in the sand box because I'm here with my friend) which is not ok, and just deciding not to include another kid in a game (i.e. if my kids are playing a game with a friend and another kid wants to join, it is up to them whether to include him/her or to tell him that maybe another time as long as they are not occupying any specific space, in which case if they want alone time they need to move).  Often my older son will be playing with my preschooler who is very shy and another kid will want to join and my son often tells him no since if another kid joins my little one will often stop playing as he is very shy with strangers and loves time alone with big brother; there is nothing wrong with that as long as other kids still have space to play, access to playground premises/equipment and are told in a nice way that right now they want to play alone but maybe another time.    

    May 22, 2019

    We've had a very similar experience with our daughter (7yo) as the previous poster. She'd like to play with everyone at the playground - classmates, kids she doesn't know, toddlers, whoever - and will play with pretty much anyone who approaches her. She's been rejected plenty of times but she's resilient. She now mostly doesn't bother approaching kids in who are already in pairs; instead she seems to have a superpower of identifying the one kid in a crowded space who will want to play. 

    To the point though... Early elementary friendships are really fluid. Especially if your child and their friend know another child who is at the park, I think it serves all of them to be inclusive. In a week or two it's going to be a different pairing at the park or at school recess and someone who used to have a buddy will be feeling left out. Modeling inclusion when it's within your control (your kid's playdate and you are there supervising) sets the expectation that everyone be included when you're not there to guide it too. As noted, you can't do much about it when you're not in charge of that day's "in crowd." But I still think it's worth it to push inclusivity when you have the standing to do so.

    Different story altogether if its a playdate in a private space; no need to invite a third kid to your house because they saw your kid + friend walk in the front door. But I agree that the public park is public: everyone can play there.

    May 28, 2019

    Hi, I think it depends on the situation a lot. Are they actively excluding or just not including? Are they playing tag or something easy for a group, or did they bring a 2-person game or each bring a toy where if a third kid played, one of them wouldn't get to?

    Some ideas: I've tried to get my kid alone for a moment and ask him how the other kid feels, and what do you want to do about that? One time my kid and his friend were hiding from another kid and being rude, and I pointed out how the excluded kid felt, asked him to look at her face and what do you think she's feeling, and do you think she'd feel better if you said you're sorry? And then he wanted to say sorry and be nicer, because he had just gotten caught up in the fun of running away from her with his friend. Then he was nice and inclusive. Actively excluding and being rude are I think worthy of intervening in some way, but not necessarily forcing the issue -- just teaching politeness in the same way you wouldn't let your child be rude in other settings. Another idea I have done is to model the inclusion. Like, I give the other kid some attention and maybe play a little and show that we can include that kid, and then the other kids will usually start playing together. Or I try to have us all play, and then I bow out and they keep playing together. Another option is to let them do whatever (as long as not really bad) so you're not hovering (esp if children are old enough to play without direct supervision), and speak with your kid later about the situation as a teaching opportunity. I think you can also teach your child to compromise, like if he/she specifically came to the park to play something with one other kid, your kid could tell that to the third child and say we can play with you in a little while but right now we're doing this (or vice versa -- we'll play with you a little while, but then we want to do this just the two of us because it was our plan and we didn't know you'd be here to play with). 

    Ok, I just asked my 5-year old what to do in this situation, and he said you should play with the other kid, even if you have a toy - let them take a turn. And if there was a special secret thing, play with them first and then do whatever you're doing after. He says, "There can be a grownup solving the problem, but sometimes it won't work so a kid would be easier because the grownup might make the problem worse (because then the kids fight or are mad because they are forced to be together)." 

    One thing I do when I'm not sure of what to make my kid do is to think of an analogous adult situation and what I'd do. Like, what if you meet a friend at a cafe and you see someone you know - you don't have to invite them to join your table but you wouldn't say "go away" either. And if they sit down or ask to sit down, you make them feel welcome, but if you had planned to discuss something private, like your friend's marriage, you might say after catching up for a while that they two of you had some business to discuss that we should probably get back to but it was so nice to run into you, glad we could catch up, etc. And then I think, Ok, so kids should probably be inclusive always unless there was something special they wanted to do only together, in which case they should do some of that and some of the other kid playing. 

    Hope this helps!

    Jun 7, 2019

  • Restrictions on food for park birthday parties

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    Jul 21, 2017

    My son had his 5th birthday party in a park near a playground and we had an issue that I'd like opinions on for the future and what others do as I know park birthday parties as very common.  My son has invited his friends to the party and 3 of the boys had severe allergies.  They are close friends so I accommodated these allergies and all of the food was safe for them to eat (and approved by their parents).  None of these boys had a nut allergy and the moms said nut was ok so the cake and one of the other desserts had nuts in them.  The food was restricted to the tables only and kids did not take food onto the play area.  The boys were playing on the playground with some other kids there and when it was time of cake invited the other kids they met in the playground to join them for cake, which I was ok with (as we got enough for all kids and adults and adults never eat cake so there was plenty extra).  I insisted that all of the boys ask their moms permission to join us for cake (they all looked to be 5 to 7 years old range) and asked the moms about any allergies.  One of the moms said her boy was allergic to nuts so I told her that I'm sorry but our cake has nuts in it and I can serve her boy fruit but I was not looking out for nuts when I was choosing snacks for the party as I was focused on other allergies so don't know if her boy can safely have any of the other snacks.  She said nuts is the main allergy out there and I should not have nuts in birthday party food as now her son is going to miss out and cannot eat the cake.  She left with her boy soon after; the other boys joined the party as they received permission.  I know there are a lot of allergies out there and I am always careful to accommodate the allergies of my guests as much as possible, but do people really accommodate all allergies even if none of their guests have it.   I understand that her son was disappointed not to have cake and I talked to my son about not inviting kids he does not know to join us for cake/food until I ask their mommy if it is ok since if the mom says no they will be sad, but beyond that not sure if there is an unspoken rule I don't know about.  

    Jul 21, 2017

    No, I don't think there is an unwritten rule about not serving food with nuts at parties at parks. That said, while that mom may have overreacted a bit (it is hard to have a disappointed child on your hands), it is true that with a 6 & 8 yo, I do not serve party food (regardless of where the party is) with nuts in it. Some allergies don't pop up until age 5-6, and I do not want to be the cause of someone having a reaction, anticipated or not. Your son's generous impulses sound very sweet, and I think the takeaway message you gave him (have mom check first before issuing the invite) is right on.

    Jul 26, 2017

    With 1 almost-grown kid and 3 other grown kids, you can bet I threw a LOT of park birthday parties. While I did accommodate the allergies of the guests, and their siblings who often tagged along, I would never imagine that a complete stranger who upbraid you for that! You are not responsible for anyone's random kid who shows up, plus the mom most certainly should have come to you asking about nuts, and if she's a really great mom she'd have a stash of nut-free treats at the ready for just such an occasion. Sheesh

    Jul 26, 2017

    I'm going to reprimand you for remotely thinking it's somehow your fault or responsibility to curate the happiness of a stranger's child in an outdoor setting. If the kid had a bird allergy and a bird in the park crapped on his head, that wouldn't be your fault either. You went above and beyond for those kids/parents who you invited. It was nice of you to kindly explain to this stranger-mother that there were nuts abounding, but again, it's NOT your problem. Before your next son's party, I suggest a quick coaching session wherein you tell him that only his invited guests are welcome to partake. Everyone else can go buy their own damn cakes. (OK, maybe don't phrase it that way, but this got me riled up.)

    Jul 26, 2017

    Oh my goodness. Let me get this straight, a total stranger, who wasn't ever even invited, berated you for having a cake with nuts in it at YOUR child's birthday? People have lost their minds. No, there is no protocol. You were BEYOND gracious, especially in offering fruit as an alternative, to a total stranger who WASN'T EVEN INVITED and it is in no way your responsibility to worry about what everyone else in the world can eat. You were obviously thoughtful about your son's guests in accommodating their allergies. You know that old expression, "if you try to please everyone you'll end up pleasing no one."

    Jul 26, 2017

    No unspoken rule at all. You went above and beyond. We can't anticipate the allergies of random kids at the park. 

    Jul 26, 2017

    She's a random person at a park, expecting you to accommodate her kid's nut allergy: she's an entitled lunatic. 

    You were being kind! The proper response should have been, Thank you so much for offering, but unfortunately my son is allergic to nuts, so we'll have to pass on the cake. 

    Jul 26, 2017

    I had to re-read your post to make sure I understood the scenario correctly. So a kid who was a stranger to you and your child but happens to be at a park at the same time as your kid's party, whom you and your child generously include in the party after your child happens to play with him, cannot eat your kid's birthday cake because it has nuts in it, and the mother is mad at you and thinks you're being unreasonable for making a cake with nuts? I hardly know how to respond to this except to think that mother must have mental health problems. The world has nuts in it (referring to actual nuts here, not people). Her child will have chance, unforeseeable close encounters with nuts. I can't understand how you could have been expected to anticipate a complete stranger with a nut allergy coming to your child's party and eating your cake.

    Before anyone jumps down my throat, yes, I think nut allergies should be accommodated in school and when a known party guest has an allergy. But no, the duty to accomodate should not extend to this situation. Sheesh. 

    Jul 26, 2017

    I generally don't serve food to kids that has nuts in it because (1) that is a pretty common allergy; and (2) most kids I know--including my own--don't like many common nuts (e.g. walnuts, almonds).  The other mom was very presumptuous, however, in lecturing you and creating a rule that birthday food can't have nuts.  Since your son just turned 5, you have years of class parties, birthday celebrations and sport team snacks to look forward to.  My advice (though it's not a rule) is to avoid nuts.  There is almost always going to be at least one kid who is allergic.

    Jul 26, 2017

    I think you handled this correctly. The response to her complaint could just have been, "I'm sorry about that, but this is a private party." You have no obligation whatsoever to accommodate anyone other than your invited guests (and frankly how could you guess what other dietary needs the kids on the playground might have??)

    Jul 26, 2017

    Figuring out what you can serve to a large group of young children that is tasty and safe and that falls within everyone's dietary requirements is a lot of work these days, and sounds as if you handled it beautifully.  It's entirely out of line for a stranger to scold you because you failed to anticipate the unknown allergy needs of random children at the playground who received a generous invitation to share cake.  Children might be unable  to eat wheat, dairy, sugar, palm oil, soy, chocolate, eggs, etc.  ... don't expect yourself to be psychic. The mother was very rude to shame you, and she set a poor example for her child.

    My nephew is severely allergic to almonds and certain other nuts. His parents are teaching him that it's his responsibility to ask what's in his food, and to be gracious and not make a big deal if he can't eat something.  The most important thing you did was to make sure the children had their parents' permission.  I'm just sorry one parent chose to have a temper tantrum centered on what a bad mom you are; please don't buy into her guilt-trip.

    Jul 26, 2017

    You did everything the absolute right way and there is no reason for you to feel guilty. You were very thoughtful and thorough in checking about all of your guests possible food restrictions, and accommodating them. You aren't responsible for strangers that might unexpectedly traipse into your event.  That is the responsibility of those parents.  I am baffled that someone would make you feel guilty for that.  While using a public space, you were accommodating for your private party.

    Jul 26, 2017

    I think if you accommodated the needs of your invited guests, that's all you need to do.  Beggars can't be choosers, as the saying goes.

    Jul 27, 2017

    My kids' friends with severe allergies always brought their own treats for cake time. I always asked what I could have on hand for them to eat, and the parents always said they'd bring their own. It's prob the safest thing to do. I think it is gracious to be sure all guests can partake of the food, but it is hard and risky, given the number of possible allergies. 

    Jul 27, 2017

    I think you're good. You did all you could to find out about and accommodate the allergies of the birthday boy and invited guests. You can't accommodate the kids you don't know about. I'm empathetic to that other mom because it is a heartbreak for her boy, and she probably felt for him, but they had zero claim to your party food. 

    Jul 28, 2017

    Absolutely not, that mom was being ridiculous. You were kind enough to say that kids you didn't even know could come to the party, and this lady got mad because HER allergy wasn't accomodated? That's incredibly rude. My kid can't have dairy and was trained to ask and knows how to care for herself in the world. You did nothing wrong. Repeat: You. Did. Nothing. Wrong. 

    Jul 28, 2017

    The unwritten rule is, don't expect strangers to accommodate your child's allergies when your son was not initially invited to the party.  That expectation on the part of the boy's mother was, if you'll excuse me, nuts. 

    Jul 30, 2017

Archived Q&A and Reviews

Questions  

 

Playground bullies (the parents, not the kids!)

March 2006

We were at Willard tot playground with our 22-month-old son on a recent windy weekend morning when a father and his two kids entered the gates. The son (7 or 8) was bored and started hurling a frisbee around. As the frisbee whistled past small children, I asked the father if the son could take the frisbee elsewhere. The father (a husky middle aged man) launched into a tirade about ''overprotective parents'' and told his son to keep playing frisbee. When my husband told him to show more respect, he tried to goad my husband into a physical fight. My husband did not take the bait. The question is, how do we react when we next encounter him in the park? Willard tot playground is a weekend sanctuary for us. Yet this man also frequents the place and clearly enjoys conflict. peaceful playground seeker

Do you really not know what to do? Just ignore him. Pretend that you never had this previous encounter with him. This may entail ignoring any offensive frisbee throwing, but as you have learned, confronting him doesn't work anyway. I hate jerks too

Mean (and rude) people suck! I would kindly reiterate my concerns for my child if you see this man's child putting other kids at risk. Be nice yourself. If he continues to act out of line, I would seriously give the Berkeley Police a jingle to show him you are serious. Provoking a physical fight in the park in the presence of children is unacceptable. Why can't we all just get along?

Annoying kids with rude parents at the playground

March 2006

Is it ever worth it to get into an argument with somebody at the playground? I recently started regularly taking my only child to a fantastic neighborhood playground. Most of the other parents are at least polite, and many are even friendly. There are toys lying around that people have brought and left, and there is an unspoken rule that an unattended toy is pretty much up for grabs. It's been a great place for my kid to learn about sharing. I usually bring along a spare truck that I can use in trade; for example, if he's playing with another child's toy and the kid needs to go home I'll swap the borrowed toy for the truck. Today, another child actually went through my bag and took out the truck to play with. When he eventually took the truck to his mother, I approached her and asked if I could get it back. She asked if I was leaving and I said no, I just wanted to put the truck away and she rolled her eyes and told her son that my son didn't want to share though neither of our kids is of talking age. I took this as a personal insult but controlled myself and just put the truck away. I didn't think anything would be gained by pointing out that her kid had gone through my bag... it just felt like she was looking to pick a fight. Now at the end of the day I feel that she's won somehow and I wish that I had told her to control her kid and keep him out of people's bags, or that I had taken the truck away from him when I first saw that he had it. What exactly is the playground ettiquite for a situation like this? Do you enforce the same rules for other kids that you enforce for your own? Do you ask the parents to control their kids? I never let my son go through other people's bags or stroller baskets, why should I let other kids go through mine? Also, I'd never seen this family before, so I'm wondering why I was so concerned about looking like a bully in the first place, or why it bothers me so much that she disapproves of me. I feel like I'm in the 5th grade again and one of the cool kids just told me that my favorite sweater is ugly and now I want to hide a snake in her lunchbox. Nerd Mom

I've been in your situation many times and I feel that you handled the situation perfectly. I don't believe there is really anything to be gained by lecturing other parents about their children's behavior, even when I don't agree with what they are doing. I also think it's important to note that I didn't always feel this way, especially not when my child was younger.

I've been on both sides of this issue: having the out-of-control kid with terrible behavior and being subjected to the same. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just walk away, especially with pre-verbal children. You asserted your boundaries, got your property back and walked away: kudos to you! You might ask yourself what you would like to gain from lecturing the other mother.... My experience is that everyone has their own tolerance level for playground behavior, so I would just try to seek out people that seem to be on the same wavelength and let the others find their own friends as well. Don't Judge Me Please!

Dear Nerd Mom,

You are not alone. I've often thought that political summit meetings have nothing on toddler playgrounds: the negotiations are equally volatile, and they both require lots of backup (toys, that is). That said, I think the mom you're talking about was a boor. Boor, boor, boor. Her kid was wayy out of line to get all up in your bag, and the way she handled it was wrong. If I'm at, say, Thousand Oaks or Totland and my toddler touches someone else's stuff, I gently tell her, ''That belongs to someone else,'' or ''That's not ours,'' and I redirect her immediately to another one of the toys there. Heaven knows, there are enough!

I think it's perfectly ok to calmly tell another parent that you'd prefer their child not go into your things. Let her eyes roll right out of her head, girlfriend: it's YOUR stuff. One time, at one of these parks, a little boy had been hogging a very popular little cart for an entire hour. My daughter had been obviously crying for it, repeatedly trying to get in there, and finally, after a full hour of the mom totally ignoring (and that's a whole other issue - this mom did not interact with her son the whole hour I was there) the interactions and my exasperation with trying to distract my daughter, I kindly went up to the mom and asked if my daughter could sit in the car for a minute. The mom looked at me, smirked, and then went back to reading her book.

Oh, man. My inner Rambo wanted to chuck that book of hers into some cavity where the Berkeley Parents Network would surely censor me, but you get the picture. We do what we can. We are bag stuffers and emptiers. We are tooth gritters and grinders. We are moms.

See you at the parks. Live Long and Prosper

Argh! I feel your frustration! I haven't had _exactly_ that experience but I've sure run across some obnoxious parents since taking my (now 18 month-old) son to several local playgrounds.

And from the way you describe it, your instinct sounds about right -- this woman wanted to pick a fight and you happened to be the first opportunity. She was also passive-aggressive enough to make you feel it was your fault.

Unfortunately, I think you just have to eat it. Not to go completely ''Dear Abby'' on you, but it's just not worth it. When a stranger has interacted with me this way, I've either just ignored it completely, made a non-committal ''uh-huh'' (which is pretty passive-aggressive but seems better than a heated argument), or have made some sort of other non-committal comment.

The few times I've responded to show how peed off I am about how someone's spoken to me, it hasn't made things any better....

I bet you're nervous about what to do when you see her again. (Well, I would be! That bottom-rung of the schoolyard feeling is horrible.) But just ignore her. Really. You can be sure she isn't exactly loving being herself anyway. Her being mean to you has got to be a sympton of how unhappy she is about her world. And _that_ might be enough to make you feel better, too :) Not a snarky parent

I could have written your posting! Upon reading your submission, I exclaimed, ''It's great knowing there are other parents out there who struggle with this issue!'' I immediately had my husband read your posting, because I describe similar situations to him often.

Many a park day, I have found myself in jaw-dropping situations, which left me overwhelmed and questioning my parenting abilities. So many times, I have discussed these situations w/ my husband, who is (thank goodness)a magnificent sounding board and voice of common sense. Who would have suspected that innocent trips to the park would put you in such a confused state? I think I could most definitely write a book entitled, ''Everything Your Child Will Need to Know in Life Will be Revealed in the Sandbox.''... Required reading before, ''Everything I Need to Know in Life I Learned in Kindergarten.''

I have two young children myself -- a 5 + 2 year old, so I am still in the midst of park scenarios, yet have some experience to speak from. What we have come to ''teach'' our children about park toys is that if we bring a toys to the park, other children may play with them if my children are not playing with them. If, however, my children would like to play with their toys and if other children are playing w/ them, I (now my older child is able to ask on his own) kindly assert that those are indeed my child's toys and please may we have them back, thank you very much. Likewise, we play w/ toys that are out and about but if a child approaches us and lets us know that it his, we oblige by returning his toy.

Things don't always go ''perfectly'' and I believe that to be a valuable lesson as well... Things may not always go as we like. And sometimes it is better to ''let it go'' than expect to share each and every thing precisely all of the time. Because that is not realistic. We just have to try to get along, and unkind words in response to rudeness and selfishness may put you in an akward situation down the road.

Nice children come from nice families where cooperative behaviors are modeled. It is obvious from your posting that you care about park ettiquite and making your park fun for all. Been there, doing that

People will be people-is my first response to this incident. I know it has happened to me also but I believe you had a problem and it was solved surely you can't expect others to react the same way as you would? As long as you are polite i.e. please and thank you, you have done all you can do. We all have different ideas of sharing and perhaps she did not see all that you saw or maybe it was not you at all maybe she had a bad day but because she said nothing verbally you must not assume anything- or take defense. Had she not given you the toy back then I can see the offense.

Also I think you confuse things when you say you want to teach your child how to share but arent willing to share yourself also you said the child was not of talking age so for you to want the child to ask for the toys seems odd.

My last words are relax its a park!!! kids will interact with one another and they will use each other toys don't penalize the child (''you or your did not ask or apologize for the toy therefore you can't play with my toy'') for his mother's thoughtlessness --when faced with such a situation try not to be defensive try to be positive solution solver! Have fun playing! zee

Hi Nerd Mom, You were absolutely right; the other mom was rude and the kid was out of line going through your stuff (though if the child was pre-talking, that behavior is natural, and stopping him was the mom's job.) Period. You did the right thing, and I hope that other mom reads this and realizes she was rude, and that no one will want to play with her and her kid if she treats other people like that. Hope to see you at the playground! Me and my (mostly) well-mannered kids would love to hang out with you! Heidi

The playground atmosphere is like life. You will run into a lot of great people and some real lemons. Don't take it so hard. You will probably have more of these encounters before your child ages out of the playground system. Blow these types of encounters off as quickly as you can and focus on the many friends you'll find at the park. -anon

It is common at most playgrounds that if children bring toys, they put the toys in the sandbox. If the child is playing with it, that's nice, but if the child isn't playing with it, they can ''share.'' This is what our culture does at playgrounds.

In addition, children have simplistic concepts at this stage. The other mother was right. You (and by extension) your child didn't want to share right then.

Sharing is a pervasive concept at that age. If the child gets the toy, that is sharing. Not everybody wants to share all the time. This business of keeping a toy ''for trade'' is not done.

It sounds to me as though your intuitive approach is a controlling one and that you have a bit of a thin skin. Have you thought of hooking up with an experienced mom and asking her what she does about things?

You will make yourself miserable if you don't kind of go with the flow for these things. If you only want one toy at the playground, only bring one toy. If you want two or three, then share them. This isn't a bad rule, and it's one that children can understand.

You mention that the children aren't speaking yet. So how would the other child understand the social niceties of ''yes there is a fun toy in the bag but you cannot have it. Bobby's mommy wants it to stay in the bag.'' ?

If you don't want children going through your bag, stop them from going through your bag. This is a fine thing to stop a child from doing. You can phrase it like ''ooh. Watch out. There are things in there I don't want to spill.'' at which point the child's mother is supposed to say ''Sheila, we don't go through bags.'' I swear, you can CHART these interactions.

Once you figure out how it works, you'll do fine, but IMHO you'll have to really look for advice and mentoring so that you don't pound your head against the wall and make yourself miserable. It was smart of you to post on this list. experienced mom

Short answer: Don't put your bag where kids can get into it. Another short answer: Don't bring toys to the park.

More thoughts: Like you said, there are toys already there that ''live'' at the park and having to collect your toys to take them home can cause the annoying drama you described. In my opinion, going to the park is for seeing other kids, playing on the equipment there, etc. If your son is going to play with his toys from home, what is the point? I also think you should not have taken the other mom's saying, ''That boy doesn't want to share'' as a personal insult. That is a valid explanation. Would you have been happier if she said, ''This big lady doesn't want to share?'' The other mom probably thinks you are just as annoying for bringing a toy that you were willing to share and then collecting it at a random time. She probably would have been quite willing to give it back when you were leaving. She was no doubt not aware that her son got it out of your bag which you assumed was safe. Finally, your philosophy of trying to pawn off one of your toys to other kids if, when that other kid is going home, your kid still has their toy, is weird and unfair. It it not to early to teach your son that you can borrow things but have to give them back when the owner wants them. Hands-free park goer

While I do not approve the behavior of that mother, I think she's got a point--provided the truck was pretty visible in the bag or the child had seen your child play with it and put it away in the bag. If you are in a park where there are toys to be shared and you bring a toy from your home, I think the same rule applies: everybody can play with it. It's true a child should be taught to respect other's possesions, but if there is a bag and a truck is highly visible... it just seems too much temptation for the little one! Yes, it's true the little one went over your bag, but it's also true you didn't want to share in a place where the understated rule is that all toys are to be shared. So while I agree her manners were not appropiate, I also think if you bring something to the park from home it should be shared with everybody. Anon

I'm sorry you had an upsetting encounter with another parent at the playground. However, no offense, but the whole incident does not sound like that big a deal to me. Question - are you sure the other parent saw her child take the toy truck out of your bag? Perhaps all she saw was that you wouldn't let her son play with the toy, without knowing how he got it? Also,if neither child is talking yet, that's pretty young - not old enough to understand that it's not ok to take a toy out of somebody else's bag. Sure, the other mom should have corrected it if she saw it, but maybe she didn't, and even if she did, it doesn't seem to me like something to get all upset about. I also don't understand why you didn't just let the child play with the toy -- given the short attention span at this age, he would have abandoned it soon enough, you could have put it back in your bag, and you could have avoided an unpleasant encounter. Having said that, I do think it was a bit rude of the other mom to roll her eyes and make the comment about not sharing-- if it had been me, I would have just given the toy back without comment.

As for playground etiquette -- no, I don't think you need to stand by while somebody else's toddler goes through your bag -- you could, in a very friendly voice, say to the child, ''oh no, that's not for sharing'', (or something like that) as you gently take the bag away. If I were the child's parent, I would jump in at that point and say ''no, Johnny, we don't go through other people's things''

If, on the other hand, you march up to someone and angrily demanded that they ''control'' their child, you will be putting them on the defensive - you're effectively implying that the other parent isn't doing their job - you're likely to get an angry, reactive response. Instead, if you must say something, again I recommend doing it in a friendly way, and assume the other parent just hasn't noticed the unacceptable behavior, for example ''excuse me, I wonder if you've noticed that your child is going through my bag?'' That's if you must say anything at all. Frankly, in this situation, I would just let it go. Diane

First of all, remember that the kid is just a kid... Yeah, it's rude to go through someone's bag but I wouldn't worry too much, I mean did you mention this to the other mom? She probably was just being consistent when she said that ''you didn't want to share..''. I wouldn't think too hard about it. Whenever I go to the park and leave a bag somewhere I try to put it up where kids cannot get to it. They're just curious (think curious george...).

Just think ''I'm a duck and whatever this other mom said is just water off my back.'' Think, she needs to live with herself, and you can leave her and her kid at the park. Further, I think it is best to just be really kind to everyone because we're all going through a great struggle--you don't know, maybe she's ill or has a a really difficult struggle. Just think you have school and PTA to look forward to! Duck Mom

The proper etiquette would have been for her not to ask you why you wanted the toy back. For your own sanity, let it go. I tend to ruminate about that kind of stuff too, thinking of what I ''should have said'' long after the situation is over. It's not unreasonable for you to want to keep track of your things and not have to monitor which random kid has your kid's toy. Liz

Just wondering why you got so upset over the event. It doesn't seem that big a deal that the toddler accidently grabbed a truck that wasn't being played with and wanted to play with it. I know the park you're talking about. If it were me, I would've simply told the mom 'Oh I actually brought that from home. Can you make sure I get it when he's done playing with it? Thanks.' I don't understand why you needed it back in your purse.

I do agree that the other mom was rude when she rolled her eyes but I understand her point. You weren't leaving the park so why did you need the toy? Also, if both your kids are too young to talk how was she supposed to discipline her kid about not taking toys out of bags after the incident was over? My 2+ year old would just look at me blankly if I tried to tell him not to do that 5 minutes after it occurred. Just sayin

When she accused your child of not wanting to share, you should said with a big smile, ''No, *I'm* the big meanie who doesn't want to share. I just don't feel like sharing my truck right now. And I never ever EVER share my purse.''

This sharing business has gotten out of control -- it's become some kind of constitutional right to use other people's stuff. Just because someone asks for something doesn't mean you have to give it to them. Sharing is supposed to be a voluntary act that you do to make others happy, not because you're pressured into it. If someone doesn't want to share, for whatever reason, what's the point of shaming them into it? Perhaps I'm bitter -- I lost my husband's $30 basketball at the playground because I shared it and wasn't paying attention when the person I shared it with left with it.

I think it's fine to tell the mom, no, I don't know when I'm leaving, but I need to keep my stuff in my bag or I'll forget it and leave it here. She was just pissed at you because she couldn't face the terrible act of taking a toy away from her kid. Not being able to do something because it might make your kid cry is, of course, an excellent parenting strategy that will work out really well for her later on. Fran

The kid shouldn't have been rummaging through your bag. If the mother saw it, she should have stopped it. If she didn't, then she should have apologized for her childs actions. The kid isn't being annoying, just a kid. I can't tell you how many times I have had to leap tall buildings with a single bound to preserve some other mother's purse from being taken hostage by my one-year-old (my three-year-old did the same thing until about a year ago). I would chalk it up to a 'bad day' on the part of the other mother. Maybe she was up all night because her child was screaming with molars coming in...or maybe her husband just announced that he was leaving her for his 20-year-old secretary. If it happens again, just ask her to keep a closer eye on her son in a friendly sort of way. kids will be kids, but moms should be better

I may be in the minority, but in the amount of time I've been a parent, I have gone from a ''never interfering'' policy to developing a pretty nervy willingness to corral other people's kids. I try to be straightforward, and not blaming. I know many times it's hard to keep a precise eye on what your kids are doing, and I try to assume innocence on behalf of the adults in charge, and the kids themselves. But when other kids have trampled my own, or swiped a toy that my kid brought to the park and actually wants, I talk to them as I would my own (ideally, kindly but firmly). I actually have this problem more with older kids who tend to be less supervised (or not at all) and I just step in and say, as I just did last weekend, ''hey-- please don't throw the redwood bark. There are lots of little kids around and someone could get hurt.'' I buy into the communal parenting idea, and hope that if I miss my kid doing something that offends, someone will call us on it-- kindly but firmly.

However, I also buy into the communal toy idea. And I try to get my kids to share what they bring to the park, in the spirit of having more available for everyone. So in your situation, I guess I would have mentioned to the mom that her son had taken it from my bag, but at some point you need to let these things go otherwise you'll make yourself crazy. And yes, the whole process of becoming a parent-- in terms of social interaction with other adults-- can be frighteningly like being in Junior High. Say what you need to but hold the snakes.

It's perfectly fine for you to approach the parent of the wayward youngster about getting the toys back. While you will inevitably find (here in the Bay Area) a few parents at each playground who think ever saying ''no'' to their kids is wretchedly cruel and poor parenting, it's perfectly fine for you to say (nicely) ''whoops, your little cutie is fascinated by stroller bags. ;) Can we please have our truck back? Thanks!''. This is less likely to put someone on the defensive, but also lets them know what their child is up to.

It's natural to feel like we're all back in junior high when this stuff happens; there's nothing like other fussy parents to make you feel awkward, in my experience. But you're not crossing any line of etiquette or decency by being politely firm about issues like this (and it's a good message to the little one to ask before rummaging). - Appreciative of Consideration and Niceness at Playgrounds

I think you have every right to be angry! I would have been upset too. I have been lucky to not have a situation come up like this at the park. BUT you had every right, it was your bag. I had a situation that made me feel similar at Costco a couple of weeks ago. Another member picked up the orange juice that had fallen off our cart, I saw him putting it in his truck!!! And he was incredibly rude when I approached him about it. I had to get the manger involved, and while the end result was I got a shiny new orange juice, it sure left a bad taste in mouth and this man was old enough to be my grandfather! People can be incredibly rude in the most strange circumstances! I'm not sure what the park ettiquite is, but I don't let my child rummage through other people's belongings either, it's rude! I would have said something to that order, though it sounds like she was trying to pick a fight...lame! people can be unbelievably rude!

I have two kids who are now ages 10 & 7 and so looking back at these types of situations I may have some insight. I think you can't change people like that and it isn't worth the stuggle. But having said that, I think you can sometimes politely state your case (unless the other mom is crazy-- which is also a learning lesson to your kid that some people are best avoided.) can say that maybe she didn't see, but he grabbed it out of your bag & you guys are glad to share, but he found this one in your bag, and that you brought one he CAN have-- here it is.

So many people out there have so many issues, just feel good knowing that your kid has a mom who cares, and if someone is mean to you it's a good time to show how you can let it roll off your back, because your kid will run into ''meanies'' his whole life, at the playground, at preschool, at college. I still don't understand how some parents are so oblivious to what their kid is doing and then assuming their kid is always ''right'' I try to remind myself how lucky my kids & I are that I'm not like that. And now I see the fruits of my ''niceness.'' Mainly, communicate with your own kid about what happened. been there seen that

I'm the original poster. Thanks to everybody for their responses. Some folks missed the point that I DID wait for the child to finish playing with the toy, after which he handed it to his mother and that is when I asked for the toy back. So yes, we did share the toy with the kid. I do not have a problem with sharing, I have a problem with parents picking a fight. I'll take the advice of many posters and just let the issue go. There are plenty of nice parents to play with. Nerd Mom

You got lots of advice already, but I wanted to reaffirm that the creepy mom at the park only ''wins'' if you let her get to you.

The line I've always used (in my head -- not out loud!) in situations like that one is, ''OK, you have to deal with her --- but at least you don't have to BE her....'' somehow it always helps me pull out one last ounce of patience or humor.

If anything I'd feel sorry for the kid and probably let him KEEP the truck to make up for having such a cranky mommy. And yes, I'd take a bag that closes tightly, or no bag at all. Been there. Pretending I'm bigger than That.

I read your post and waited anxiously to read responses b/c I have been in very similar situations at the park with my 2 and 3 y.o. After reading some of the responses, I felt compelled to write in your defense.

The part about sharing toys...I've just given up taking our things to the park..too hard to keep track of, monitor, referee, etc. Even my very easy going husband has stopped bringing things from home b/c he felt like the bad cop.

We only play with what is there, and if my kids pick up something that belongs to someone else, I loudly say ''that's not ours'' and wait for a cue from the other parent who often say ''he can play with it, Johnny isn't'' I then make sure that if Johnny returns, we give it back and thank him for sharing.

The part about thinking about what you should have said after the fact...I am a SAHM and sometimes the only adult I talk to all day might be another parent at a park, and so, yes, if that interaction was less than ideal, I might ruminate about it more than on a day when I have lots of other adult conversations. Don't be too hard on yourself!

And take YOUR toy back whenever you like, no explanation needed. I feel you