Friendship Changes After Baby

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Archived Q&A and Reviews

My friends don't want to hang out with my kids

April 2008

I was supposed to have brunch with two friends of mine, but found out a couple of days prior that my husband would be out of town that Sunday and I couldn\x92t get a babysitter on short notice. I told my friends I couldn\x92t make brunch, unless I could bring the kids. I added that since I was going to be alone all day with the kids (age 2 and 4) maybe they could come over to the East Bay (they live in SF) and hang out with us for the day. Their response was \x93Let\x92s reschedule brunch.\x94 This is most infuriating to me because they are always offering to come over (\x93Oh, I really want to see the kids!\x94), but when I actually pin them to a date, something always comes up. The last excuse was a raging hangover. One of the friends is my daughter\x92s godmother, and she hasn\x92t seen my daughter since January, and that was only because I brought the kids to her Super Bowl party.

Am I being a total brat? I don\x92t expect them to babysit or take care of the kids, but just keep me company while I am watching the kids, maybe get to know them. I don\x92t know how to approach it, because inside I am so pissed \x96 all I can see is their selfishness. Please give me insight into my bitterness. I feel like the tables will turn when we are old, and I have my two darling adult children\x85and they are alone. And have cirrhosis of the liver because they will be drinking themselves to death. Bitter

I think you need to just let it go. I personally know it is difficult to transition to another stage of life and leave some friends behind. Some people have the grace and energy to enter into that new stage with you and others are just... well... like you said, they don't get it, aren't interested, and that's that.

I think it's important that you recognize this and move forward. I don't think there would be anything wrong with having a nice conversation (when you aren't so pissed) about it ~ WITH EXAMPLES but haven't confirmed a date'' ''I want to hang out with you AND my kids at the same time, for example our brunch date, but you didn't'' .... Then you have to be GRACIOUS and STRONG enough to hear what they have to say. Maybe they really don't like your kids. (I know, how could they not, but :) .... you never know) Maybe restaurants and kids don't mix with them. You never know what it might be. Maybe they don't like the way you are around your kids. Maybe they're jealous. It could be some really yucky stuff that you don't need/want to hear. Or maybe, you're right, they are just selfish. You have to decide if you really want to know that.

Then, move forward. Know that these are your ''no kids'' friends and you don't include your kids in your relationship with them. Maybe in the future they will grow up and become great with your kids. You don't know, but unfortunately you cannot make them something they are not.

I wish you the best, I know these transitions are difficult! change is hard

Well, I don't blame your friends for not wanting to come and hang out with you and your 2 and 4 year old for the day. When I was single, that would have been a total nightmare invitation, no matter how much I liked you. If you don't have kids, it is SO much work being around them - especially ones that age. In fact, the only time I could handle being around a 2 yo was when my own child was 2, and ditto re 4. Now that my kid is 8, I don't want to be around 2 and 4 yo's at ALL. You can call it selfish and yes it is, but you're being selfish in the same way, too, wanting them to come and keep you company so that you won't be stuck alone with your kids. There's nothing wrong with you wanting that, but there's nothing wrong with them NOT wanting to do it. Wait and see, I think when your kids are 10 and 12 and your friends have toddlers, you won't want to spend the day with them either. Try to see it from their point of view. In the meantime, hire a babysitter from 12-2, and ask your friends to come at 11, see the kids and then head out to a grownup lunch.

Like it or not, many people without kids just don't enjoy hanging out with kids all that much. I've come to terms with the fact that I have a category of old friends whom I only see once or twice a year now, because they've chosen to be single/childless/globetrotting and I'm here in the East Bay with my 2 kids and hear about their adventures through emails. I'm slightly envious sometimes, but for the most part I don't miss that lifestyle. I think the best thing is if you can accept it (easier said than done, I know, but possible), make friends with other families, and keep those single friends for an occasional much-needed girls' night out. In my experience, it's not worth the trouble of trying to mix those two worlds. Besides, every now and then one of them has kids and gets back in touch! Happy In My Rut

You asked: Am I being a total brat?

In short, I would say that the answer to that is a resounding ''yes.'' I don't know you at all, but you sound quite angry. Maybe your kids aren't really well enough behaved for other adults to want to have to spend time with you when you have your kids. That thought certainly came to mind when I read the tone of your post.

Good luck to you. Glad it's not me

I'm sorry you feel bitter, but it just sounds like you have grown apart from people you no longer have something in common with. It might make you feel better temporarily to judge them as being selfish---so go ahead and do it, but its not going to get you anywhere.

Your friends have chosen a different life than you have. You are happy with your choices, they are happy with theirs. Why should your friends have to spend time with kids if they don't enjoy it? Why should you have to go out drinking if you don't enjoy it? Make family plans with other families. Make going out plans with other adults. Might be time to find new friends

I just wanted to tell you I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. One friend of mine, who was the worst offender when my kids were babies and toddlers, finally just had kids herself. I was SO looking forward to her seeing things from the other side (and me giving her a little s#*t about it), but then she HAD to go and have twins! So much extra work, so it's still all about her and I can't give her a hard time! ;-) But at least now she expresses interest in my children, which was not the case before.

My only advice is to try to understand that most people without kids do not understand the lives of people who do. They are selfish about their time because they have not yet had to devote themselves to another human being. If they ever have kids, that may change; if they don't, that may still change at some point, or not. Try to let them go for now, develop new friendships with other parents if possible, and wait for your friends to come back around, or drift away. It's not worth it to feel bitter. (Which, if you are like me, is partially just jealousy that you no longer have the same freedoms. But you DO have your wonderful kids, which, like you said, they do not.) Speaking of my selfish friend: once, in a moment of honesty, she told me that she couldn't be around her friends with kids because she felt too sad that she didn't have any herself. Yes, still self-centered, but perhaps your friends are also suffering from feeling like they are missing out on the relationship/children part of life?? If that's a possibility, maybe try to be more compassionate? anon

Wow, you are angry. I hope you're feeling a little less bitter by the time you read this. I can totally understand both sides since I've been the single gal and I am now married and have two boys, 2 and 4. I have to say even now when I hang out w/''the girls'' I really don't want my kids or any others there. It's just too distracting. I wouldn't take it personally unless your children are out of control, which I'll assume they're not. They may have been really looking forward to catching up w/just you and not having constant interruptions which is hard to avoid no matter how quiet and delightful your kids are. It's also possible that something came up for one of them and they were feeling guilty about flaking and were relieved to reschedule. Either way, try to give them the benefit of the doubt and don't go to war over this. I imagine a month from now it won't be worth it. As a side note, not everyone is familiar w/what being a godmother means, and especially if you don't have kids. Some people just think it's a nice honorary title. Been on Both Sides

Have you considered that they may have a problem with your children's behaviour? This comes to mind because as someone who was never terribly interested in children until I had my own, I often reacted very strongly to children that were not extremely well-behaved. I still do, to some extent. This is probably because I was raised to be quiet, polite and respectful around adult company and in other people's homes. Anyway, no offense intended (your kids may be very well-behaved for all I know), just a guess. Lisa

Your friends don't want to hang out with your kids. Not a big deal. Don't get bitter or holier than thou on them. I have lots of friends without kids. They like my kids in small doses (mine are three and five). If my friends want to 'see the kids' then I plan to host a very late dinner party. My friends arrive thirty minutes before bedtime. They see the kids. If they are so inclined then they may read the bedtime story. My husband OR I put the kids to bed and then we hang out, drink wine, eat and gossip. Not a big deal. Or, they will come over to pick us up to go out, spend thirty minutes with the kids before the sitter arrives and then we are off.

Honestly, I have kids and certainly don't want to hang out with you while you watch your kids (unless mine are along). Minding the monsters just isn't a fun social activity for me as I imagine it isn't for your friends. In a couple of years, your kids will be able to sit through baseball games or other fun things and your friends may be more inclined to hang with them for longer periods. -don't get bitter...

First and foremost, I'm a mother of two myself, and can totally relate to how frustrating it can be when friends make comments about kids that might be less-than sensitive...

With that said, however, I do think you might want to take a step back and consider the fact that perhaps your friends' intentions were not to imply that they don't like your kids. It sounds like it might very well be possible that they simply wanted to spend uninterrupted gal-time with YOU! :) There is no doubt that 2 & 4 are busy, demanding ages. No matter how accustomed those of us with children have become to the fast- pace and constant activity of having a couple little ones (even well-behaved) in-tow, it is a simple fact that this buzz is usually enough to make people with grown kids thankful that their kids are gone and single folks thankful to be flying solo. :)

Remember that your friends love you for YOU. They most certainly respect you as a mother, but it doesn't mean that they don't miss you as a girlfriend. Rescheduling your brunch for another day without the kids, is a gift to you as well... We mothers get so little time to ourselves! Mom of 2, too

Sounds like your childless (?) friends don't understand kids. I remember that I was downright frightened to spend much time with kids before I had my own. And my childless sister is the same way with my kids. But really, she doesn't have a clue how to engage with a child. Sounds like your friends are that way too, and frankly it's their loss. It sounds to me that you have a right to be disappointed in your friends, but try to keep it from turning you bitter. You may need to tell them about your disappointment to get beyond it. It's not easy, but important in the long run. anon

I don't blame your friends for not wanting your kids at brunch. I have 2 (now teens) boys and even I would not have wanted them joining me on a girlfriendz date. It becomes a distracted kid focused visit, rather then a fun chatty visit with the girls. Single kidless people don't necessarily want to drive across the bay and hang out with someone with kids. I realize this is a gross generalization, but I found this to be true of some of my kidless friends when I had kids. They are well meaning, nevertheless. Could you honestly tell them it hurts your feelings and have a heart to heart about it? Good luck. lost some friends, gained others

I had the same problem with a couple of my friends and one was also my child's godmother. I've mostly just accepted that they don't want to hang out with my child and I and now see them very infrequently. I don't have a lot of free time and when I do I like spending it with my child. I was hurt and annoyed too, but I've found that some single people especially just don't have the patience or desire to spend time with little children. I feel its my friends loss as they are missing out on developing a special relationship with my child. But sometimes I still do feel sad and angry at the loss of the relationship. anon

I think I must be like your friends. My kids are teens now and I have less patience for younger kids. My work life is so hectic, when I do get the chance to see my friends, I crave peaceful, adult-only time. It's clear your friends want to see YOU. Is it really so awful that they don't want that time to be about the kids? If you can't get a sitter and you need some friend time, maybe invite them to a specific kid event: something you love that people without children might not know about. For example, ''we're going to the Discovery Museum in Marin -- the views are gorgeous. If I pack a lunch for us, can you come? We can visit while the kids run around.'' Leave the date up to them. If they don't want to do this, maybe they're just not kid- friendly folks. Been There, Done That

I don't know what to do about your friends - but I loved your post. Most people might say ''don't be bitter or angry'' - but I think you should be mad. My brother-in-law and his wife love to talk about how much they LOVE our baby, but they only babysat twice in his first 10 months. Especially when he was littler (and we were completely exhausted) - they loved to invite us to come to their house to ''relax.'' Ha. What is relaxing about having to pack our tired butts up and the baby and go to their house so they can ''visit'' with the baby? How about coming to our house and bringing a casserole and watching the munchkin while hubby and I take nap - that would have been relaxing.

Now the only thing I can say is that when my sister had kids and I was not yet married, I really found it hard to spend time with her because I couldn't get a word in edgewise (she has a lot of kids), she never asked me how I was doing - she could only manage to talk about her kids or her husband, and she corrected me everytime I said something to the kids.

I am sure you don't do that stuff and your friends are just LAZY and SF-centric. No one from SF ever came to visit me in Oakland unless they had a really good reason.

So, your friends are lazy, and for sure don't understand how exhausting it is to have kids and how nice it is to have people just come hang out. If I were you, I would talk with them at some point - maybe over a margarita when you are all loosened up a little. Say something like ''I'm really sad that I don't get to see you guys that much - I can't just put the kids in the closet and go out - but I'd love to be able to hang out a little more.''

I don't know, that sounds hard, maybe just get new friends. :) Elizabeth

I am a mom. I would not want to hang out with your two children when I planned a day for just adults. Your friends have a different lifestyle than you do. They want to hang out with you and talk. They don't want to spend time with two young children. Why is that bad? Why are you so bitter? Their relationship is with you and not your children. Why would you want to force a relationship with your children when they aren't interested? If it so upsetting to you than you should no longer continue the friendship. Or accept their limitations and enjoy them. Mom who likes adult time

I'm sorry about your situation but I'm actually glad you wrote and described your situation. The same thing has happened to me. Yeah, it is a tad insulting, but you know, maybe our single friends really aren't into our kids and you know that's okay. I recall when I was single, I wasn't too keen on hanging out with little kids because frankly I didn't know how to and that may be the case with your friends or maybe your friends really don't want to spend time with your kids, and you know, that's okay. They just want you. I'd choose to let go of being ''pissed'' about it. Sometimes people just try to be nice but when put to the test, they're true intentions come out, so take it for what it's worth, and let it go. You'll find friends who will want to hang out with you and your kids. It just happens, it's not these folks. Me Too

I had the same experience with some of my single, childless friends after I had my daughter. I hate to say it, but I'm not friends with them anymore. I feel like we outgrew each other. It was sad and hard at first and I felt very upset and mad at them for not accepting my new life and wanting to be a part of it. One of them I was going to induct into the aunt hall of fame, but decided against it as she was so wrapped up in her stuff and couldn't step up to the plate. One of those ''friends'' has a child now, but thankfully lives far away so I don't have to have anything to do with her new family. I don't think she ever really saw how selfish she had been. Okay, I'm still bitter, but now know that I couldn't make them see beyond their own noses, and am basically glad that I'm not trying any more.

Now my friends are ones who either have kids or who are more sympathetic people and can relate to kids.

I guess it's just part of living in this modern world! anon mom

Yes, this is too much to expect. I think there are two issues, the primary one being that you sound very disappointed that your childless friends are not really that interested in immersing themselves in your lifestyle. That has happened to me, and a lot of my other friends, and the result is that eventually I have made new friends who do have kids and so we relate on that basis. Second, when a group of women make plans to do something without kids, having the kids along just changes the whole dynamic. I know as a mom of 3 myself, even if I make plans with another friend, if something happens to my babysitting or my husband can't watch them, I reschedule myself. Your friends probably had a nice, festive time planned, and adding toddlers to the mix just wasn't what they had in mind. Intead of being resentful, perhaps you could try seeing it from their perspective. As a mom, wouldn't you rather they tell you now, than grudgingly saying yes to your request and then acting resentful during brunch? The weather this weekend should be nice. Plan some fun outdoor activity with your kids and have brunch another time. Lisa

I read your post and felt like I had to respond. Your friends sound horribly selfish to be honest. Is your child's godparent expected to take over as a parent if something were to happen to you and your husband, because if that's the case find someone else. Even when I didn't have a child I took an interest in my friend's children and or at least made the effort to hang out when they could. I get that not everyone loves or wants kids, but I don't love dogs and I still make the effort to visit friends who have dogs (no slight intended towards dogs or children :-). It may be that these folks really don't know how isolating it can be when your kids are little but it may also just be time to make new friends. Sorry for your dilema Leslie

You seem to be overreacting to this situation (my humble opinion). You seem resentful of the fact that you have oligations around the kids. Well we all feel that way! That is part of being a parent, we don't get to go to every outing and sometimes we are left out of things because we have kids. (I assume these friends of your do not have kids.) I have two kids myself and I would not want to hang out with your kids if the original plan was an adult gathering. I don't think it has a thing to do with your kids. These women just don't want to hang out with kids. I think they say they want to at times simply to be polite.

My advice: hang with other parents and their kids on days when you are going solo with your kids. anon

As a childless friend of friends with children, I'll just say that visiting dear friends with young children can be frustrating, even if you like the children. At ages 2 and 4, children love to interrupt their mother. And you, as mother, are probably more used to being constantly interrupted and to the idea that your kids come first, even when you're with friends. So it's hard to carry on a rewarding conversation or activity, and the dynamics of the friendship are very different. Your friends probably want the you they remember--who could focus on them and them alone for rewarding one-on-one time. I love my friends but haven't always had the energy to endure the chaos of a child-centered household.

Are these friendships are important to you? Try hard to put yourself in your friends' shoes: they have been downgraded in importance in terms of your attention, so a trip across the Bay Bridge doesn't seem like it will offer much of the kind of friendship they may crave from you. You could try to have a heart-to-heart about what works for them regarding get-togethers with or without kids. I sometimes go with mom friends and their kids to museums, parks, or playgrounds. As your children get older and less needy, I also think you will find that get-togethers with your old friends are much easier. In the meantime, try to find more ways to spend time in a way that works for both of you, so the friendship stays warm. Been There

Wow, you really weren't kidding. You are pissed, or must be, to be wishing cirrhosis on your good friends, one of whom you allowed to be your child's godparent.

While people may like kids, it doesn't mean they always feel like hanging out with them. I'm a nanny and most of my friends have kids, so I gotta deal with it to hang out with them. But with my free time, sometimes I just don't feel like spending time with kids, which is Why I Don't Have My Own, so that it is always my option. Just like your friends... I would NEVER accept an invite to spend a whole day with my friends AND their children. Maybe 1-2 hours, sure. But kid-free people tend to get overwhelmed with kid chaos. You are asking and expecting too much of them. I think it's great that they know themselves enough to steer clear of breeding, since it's not the life they really want. Why are they selfish for not being in the mood to be around kids? You made the choice to have kids. Good for you. But they didn't, so respect them for where they're at.

There is also the issue of expectation. They're planning and looking forward to adult interaction - they're probably bummed that they don't get to see (just) you this time. Considering how many parents lose their non-breeding friends (maybe for exactly this difference?), pat yourself on the back that your personality is so interesting to them that they continue to maintain the relationship (obviously they don't realize how evil you really are).

I don't drink, but if I had a raging hangover, I'd cancel whatever our plans were too! Are you sure you're not somewhat upset because you can't live your life according to your whim anymore, but your friends still can?

Dear Bitter,

Well, I've been on both sides. I have an older teenager now. I guess I'd just say a no-kids brunch with friends is way different than a day in the living room with one, and you were asking to change the whole tone of the thing. Plus, a whole day? This may sound awful, but I loved my kid at all ages, I loved hanging out with other parents with kids all before and after pre-school hours endlessly, I loved other kids, I became deaf to screaming, whining, fights, never being able to finish a darn adult sentence or thought... all that. I even used to be a teacher, loved those kids too.

Now if I have a choice - PASS! No thanks! That hormone or whatever that kicks in that allows us to be fascinated by baby poop and screaming, childless people don't have. And once past it, I personally don't have it any more either. Seeing a cute neighbor kid on the sidewalk, I have about a 5-minute tolerance.

I'd say one day (even an hour) plus a big drive is way too much to ask of your friends. They don't owe you anything. You're probably misdirecting your bitterness at being overworked and sleep deprived onto these innocent friends who have easier lives. Jealousy is totally understandable. I like it when the underside of parenting comes out in public like this, so we can drop the guilt of hating how hard it is sometimes!

I'd say find friends in similar straits. Don't wish ill on these gals. Make the effort for them when you can and keep inviting. Anon

Give it a rest and reschedule (if you are wanting to maintain the friendship). They are not going to ''get'' your circumstances as a parent and you obviously don't appreciate their circumstances of being a ''free'' adult without children.

Maybe your children are great kids and your friends just really don't want the everyday inconveniences of children while they relax for brunch. Maybe your children are difficult to deal with and you are immune to that while your friends really don't want to deal with behavior problems.

You cannot expect people to make room for the choices you have made in life. However, if they don't celebrate those choices with you, they may not be friends worth keeping in the long run. mar

As someone who did not get married or have kids until mid-30s to early 40s, I remember feeling bitter when friends who did have kids and got married felt that I had to deal with their lives in that way. While I adore it when my friends want to see my kids, I do believe that it isn't always appropriate to foist that on them. I understand that they want time with me, not with my kids and I don't take offense to it. Being the single person without kids is difficult when everyone around you enters family world so look at it from their point of view. Perhaps this particular event was not appropriate for you to bring your kids and they were looking forward to time with you only. Maybe they don't want to spend time with your kids but that doesn't mean they don't care. I find that we do kid things with our friends with kids and we tend to see our kidless friends in more adult situations and we get a babysitter. Not always, but a lot of times. Kidless people live in a different world. I did. So, try not to feel so bitter. anon

I've been on both sides of the fence so sympathize with both you and your friends. In their defense, being single is not fun and hanging out with married women with children doesn't make it any easier. Why do you think they drink so much? They probably feel their lives lack meaning and hanging out with your kids just reminds them of that. Plus, it's really hard to have a meaningful conversation with two little ones running around demanding attention.

But, I also know how it feels when you have kids and suddenly lose all your friends. It's like their a disease or something and no one wants to be near you! The sad thing is that unfortunately I think single people and people with kids just don't have a lot in common. Of course there are always single people that can make that leap to understand your world, but for most of us that's really hard. Hopefully your friends will have kids at some point and will understand your position better. In the meantime, just accept that you won't be seeing them as much and look for other friends who you have more in common with right now. It doesn't mean losing them, it's just having them be in a different place in your life. Kids change a lot in our lives, and friendships is one of them. anon

Hi, A very good friend of mine from highschool/college dropped off the face of the earth, never called, emailed, or came over for a long time. She's single, has all sort of relationship problems, drinks like crazy. And since I'm married, have a son, am successful at work, I know it intimidates her, makes her feel like we don't have anything to talk about any more. At first it really hurt my feelings when she wouldn't try to get in touch with me, since I always enjoy her company. So I was really tempted to just stop trying to get in touch with her, but instead every six months or so I found myself sending her a message or a birthday card, nothing too big of a deal. Well, it finally paid off, she's finally coming around and is going to come visit in a few weeks (unless she cancels at the last minute!). The thing is that relationships transition, and although we like to think we don't have to put any effort into messaging the egos of our girlfriends (afterall, they must know how much they mean to us, right??), sometimes we do. I had to just keep trying with this friend, gave her lots of space just like I would with an ex-boyfriend I wanted to still be friends with. I needed to convince her that our friendship was never based on us having the same life style or going out and getting drunk, but was genuinely based on me liking her company. Maybe there is a disconnect there between your friends understanding of the basis and yours, but I think in a situation like that, time, patience, and persistence is the only way you are going to convince them that they still have a place in your life. Kim's friend

I didn't see your original post, but I thought I'd respond. Friendships drastically shift when we go through different phases in our lives at different times. If you have children and your friend does not, she simply cannot understand the effort it takes a mother to organize quality time with a friend. You need to arrange care for your kids if you are venturing out for an outing without your family. If you welcome her to your home, that takes quite a bit of planning and effort when there are little people around with needs as well. THat was by far the most frustrating part of entertaining a good single friend during my early years as a mother. She didn't understand or appreciate my efforts OR my kids for that matter. She simply needed to talk about her latest dating exploits and that grew as tiresome for me as surely the latest potty training news was to her. So, needless to say, we drifted apart. She hopes to one day start a family of her own and will understand the challenges of maintaining a long standing friendship when the needs of your family truly come first. Naturally, I am fostering newer friendships with parents from the kids' school. We have so much in common, live 5 minutes from each other and our kids are friends! That is not to say that I don't hold my older friend dear in my heart. I do, but spend less time with her than in past years. Life is short and our free time is limited. Making good choices

Friends growing distant while I'm pregnant

June 2007

I am a first time pregnant Mom to be and I am experiencing some distance with my girlfriend relationships. The intellectual part of me knows this is natural, but the emotional part of me feels hurt and a little isolated. Although I'm 33, I'm one of the first in my circle of friends to become pregnant. Other friends are waiting or ambivalent about having children. They have become distant, not checking in as frequently as we used to with eachother. Although I'm pregnant, I am still me, and I feel written off.

I have sought out other pregnant Mom's and Mom's with children and I am developing these new friendships. I just miss my old friends, we have been through a lot together, and I hoped to go through this experience with them. Missing my girls

I don't have advice, but will say that happened to me too. I was hurt that my close friends weren't so interested in the pregnancy, and extremely hurt when many of them didn't send a baby gift or call or even reply to my email with pictures after the birth. Some of those friendships will never fully recover.

I've thought a lot about why. I think sometimes people have things going on in their own lives that make it hard to deal with a friend's pregnancy. (I later found out one friend was dealing with infertility.) And for the others, my only guess is it felt like such a monumentous thing in my life that they couldn't share, so they pulled back. But you'd think they'd still know to send a present. I'm still hurt.

I think once your baby is born, it'll be easier to find new friends with children. Being pregnant is sort of an in-between stage and it can be hard to feel like you have all that much in common with parents. It's funny, I think people blame parents for pulling away from childless friends and forming new friendships, but in my experience it was the other way around. Sorry to hear you're going through this. anon

This happened to me as well. It was really hurtful, and i know what you're feeling. I tried to be the more mature one, and I took the high road. I had a very close friend, one who had traveled with me, worked with me, been my sounding board, and me hers through break-ups, abortions, dilemmas, death of pets and friends; I thought we were going to be friends till the end. Upon the news of my pregnancy she said she was really happy about it, and even cried at the idea of me having a baby and her being the ''crazy auntie''. However, after the day that I told her, she stopped returning my phone calls, and basically vanished. After feeling angry and hurt for 5 months, I finally had a chance to confront her. She made up some b.s. excuse about needing time to herself, and how she was going through a ''selfish'' period in her life. I told her how I felt, and she promised to be more involved. This never happened. I sent her a baby shower invite, and she never RSVP'd. I never spoke to her again, and I still miss her and feel really upset about how our friendship came to a dead end.

Why this happens I have a few ideas: many women, especially women in their late 20's (as I was) and early 30's are really anxious, nervous, and hyper-aware of their own biological clocks ticking. Having a best friend who becomes pregnant is sometimes too much to bear. It's like having their noses rubbed in the fact that they haven't found that special person yet with whom they want to start a family. And it's a very blatant reminder of their deep desire for children and a family.

I also think that some women feel uncomfortable with the idea that the relationship they once had is now going to change forever (or at least for a long time). My girlfriends and I went out at night, did a lot of partying, a lot of sleeping around, a lot of sleep overs with manicures, face masks, and talking until wee hours. It was sad for me to know those days were ending, but I knew they wouldn't last. For some of my girlfriends, they still are acting the same as when we were 22. My life has changed dramatically. So there is a bit of a disconnect there. And perhaps some women don't want to feel immature, or as if their life is stagnant. Hanging out with a married/knocked-up friend may make some people feel like their own lives aren't as ''together'' as they want them to be.

I know it seems really lonely and you feel sad. The best I can offer is to confront your friends, tell them how you feel. If they change their tune, great, if not, realize that there will be others who come along. jo

About 15 years ago, I was the bad friend you are describing, when my absolute best friend from high school had her first child. We lived on opposite sides of the country, so it wasn't like I was going to get together with her or anything, but I look back now and I am amazed I was so uninterested in her entire experience. I have letters we wrote during that time frame (yes,this was pre-email days) and I barely responded to anything she told me about her pregnancy or baby. I don't remember making a decision not to respond, or even being conscious of being uninterested, although I sure acted like it. But really, I just had nothing to offer her on this (huge) part of her life, because I had no personal experience of it. And I would love to tell you I was a clueless 22 year old, but actually, I was 30. I think it is just such a wide gulf between those who go through this and those who haven't, that there is no way to connect on it if you don't have the personal frame of reference. Maybe think about it as if you've moved to a foreign country your friends have never visited.

Anyway, in my case, our friendship survived this fork in the road. Happily, when *I* had a baby nine years ago, we reconnected (my friend is a fabulous person and didn't hold it against me) and are now closer than ever. Good luck! Fran

Hi there, Are your friends just busier and maybe you're more sensitive about them not calling? Are you calling and asking about what's going on with them and keeping up the old topics? Maybe make more of an effort for a while so they know you haven't moved on without them. And maybe don't talk about the pregnancy too much. It's very possible that one of more of your friends is actually trying and having trouble or else struggling with whether they want kids at all and being with you is tough.

At any rate, it's good that you are meeting new people who will have more in common with you for a while. For sure, once your friends get to your phase, you will find yourselves talking to them a lot more again.

You could also just ask what's up - at least then you'll know what's going on. Pregnancy and fertility are tricky topics - they bring out a lot of emotions in people. Maybe it's a chance to connect on a deeper level, who knows? Good luck. Been there

If you are first in the group, you are definitely paving the way. I look back at my friend who was the first and feel badly that I wasn't there for her more... It's just hard to fully relate to the pregnancy/new mother experience if you haven't been through it. That said, I think that what you are experiencing is very normal. Just know that when your ''girls'' start to get pregnant/have babies, you will reconnect. That's what happened with me. You will also meet lots of new mommy friends when baby comes (join a mom's group). I know that I had a handful of mommies that I hung out with when my first was born and they were lifesavers! Now that our kids are a little older we've dispersed a bit and now I spend most of my time with my old ''girls''. Like I said, I think it's normal! Ride the wave...

I remember going through the same thing. I feel your pain. My kids are preschoolers now, but I still sometimes miss my old friendships. I tried really hard to maintain these friendships while I was pregnant and after my daughter was born (I was also the first in my group of friends to have kids), but after awhile I got tired of my old friends treating me like I was so different. Some friends were weirded out that I was a mom, some were jealous and uncomfortable around me and my infant. But I was surprised by a few of my friends, not necessarily the closest ones, really hanging in there with me. While I was hurt by most of my friends' distance when I was pregnant, I think the drifting became mutual after my daughter was born. Not only could my old friends not relate to me, but I could no longer relate to them. It was a hard time. It did help to join a mother's group. Although I had nothing in common with these women other than the fact that we were all mothers, it was still helpful to have adult interactions. When my daughter was old enough to play at the park I slowly met a bunch of other parents that I really liked. I was able to have gradual, natural friendships occur. I still keep in touch with most of my old friends but rarely see them. Occasionally I feel jealous because they are all still close with each other, but not with me. But it is a comfort (in a strange way) to remember that during different cycles in my life my friendships changed, like after high school, when I changed jobs, when I moved to a new city, etc. My only advice is to keep meeting new friends who have kids or really enjoy kids and try to make your old friends feel included as much as they want to be in your new life. It is natural to feel hurt and angry by their actions. But on the flip side you will be really busy once you have a child and probably will not be as available to them as you are now. Maybe try to accept a different, more casual-friend relationship with them. Hopefully the true friends will stick around and you'll be able to be close again later on. Best of luck! anon

Hi, Congrats on your pregnancy! I understand what you mean about growing distant from some of your friends. I think that happens. I think reaching out to them would be great. Like, 'hey I miss you, can we hang out??' But also know that, it's going to change your life and you will be making new friends. Definitely check out a new moms group--or just start your own--once you have your baby. Those mamas are some of my best friends now. Good luck! namastesf

Having a baby can be a trauma in many respects, quite honestly. It's a huge change for all involved, especially you. Your real friends will stay with you and will sense this profound new stage of your life and may feel alienated by it; just know that your life has taken a turn that will be enriching, difficult, joyous, and life-changing. Again, your real friends will be there. Single friends will be especially unable to identify with all that you're going through. Hang in there. Experiencing how the cycle of life continues is well worth feeling the bumps in the road as you go along. This is a big event. Don't underestimate it. Mother of two

Well, I can certainly relate to that. I was fortunate that two of my friends from my youth were pregnant at the same time and that worked out great but I had a few that weren't in that space whatsoever. I am a transplant from the East Coast and the friend that I moved out here with completely blew me off in my pregnancy and subsequent birth. She didn't see me once while I was pregnant and didn't meet my child until he was 10 months old! I think it's very common. Also, I had friends with older kids that I didn't hear from much. It was kind of like, ''been there, done that...'' and now we are ''too busy with our bigger kids lives'' (which I also understand!)-- and mind you, I actually was very involved with their pregnancies and babies when we weren't yet ready for kids. I think it depends upon the person-- some people are just better at keeping in touch. Don't take offense.

Enjoy your pregnancy-- you will never be pregnant for ''the first time'' again. And soon enough, you will have this beautiful baby to take care of and everything will fall into perspective. If your friends choose not to involve themselves, it's their loss. This baby will be a blessing of love and light and everyone benefits from that.... LogicalMama

I would encourage you not to dwell on this too much. Friendships evolve and change, as we go thru life changes. For the close friends that you really treasure, however, I would encourage you to ask them individually that you'd like to see them/talk to them more, etc.. I found as a single woman when my friends were embarking on families, I felt so clueless and had little to add. And, often, I didnt' want to talk all about baby stuff, to be honest. Now that I'm a Mom, I get it more. But, I have to tell you, I have found that my friendships since becoming a mom have really changed. OF course, my dearest friends are still just that. But, some friends who don't have kids - or even those that do - have really evolved since becoming a mother - some stronger some weaker. I would encourage you to speak honestly to those you really care about and to try to look at this as an opportunity to reach out too. Good luck! anon

Oh honey! I know what you mean. First of all, it just depends on the crowd you run in. I was also the first of my crowd, at a totally respectable age, to have a kid. I'm sure there are some other people who wish to remain child-free and are surrounded by pregnant friends. There are a few things I wanted to tell you. First, you may be a trend-setter. Some of your ambivalent friends will decide to go for it and your child will have some 9 months younger friends! Second, if you want to see your friends, call them up and propose an activity and talk about whatever you used to talk to them about. It is possible that your friends just really dread talking about ''baby stuff'' (Yes, I know, you haven't really even mentioned it but they are afraid you will) or they have some funny idea that you are feeling too ill to go out or something. Make the calls and emails and do whatever it takes to do lots of movies, nights out, manicures, walks sans strollers, etc you can because you won't get the chance again for awhile. Just wait for them to ask you about any baby stuff, and make sure you are still taking an interest in their life without asking ''Do you think you are going to have kids???'' anon

You're life is changing soon, more than you can imagine. kids are a huge deal. maybe your friends' ambivalence about their own reproductive lives are partly behind the distance. My advice is keep in touch with your friends and know that when/if they have kids, you will be there for them and you will be a great resource. In the meantime nurture your new friendships - you will need them! strength in sisterhood

Ooh, same thing happened to me - not easy. My closest friend (since age 7, we're now 33) is having infertility issues and distanced herself during my pregnancy...we worked it out through a crying-phone call - but it still hurts her to see my little guy now, because she's so desperately trying to have her own child, and my joy makes her hurt more. :( My heart goes out to you...so try this:

- Try to reach out MORE to now-distant friends, about things you (used to) care about. Remember that, even if you don't mean to, you're likely all about belly size and kick counts and Dr. Sears and BabiesRUs all this baby crap that your old friends don't know about and are - at best, scared of, and at worst, insanely jealous of.

- DO make new friends with other pregnant women and moms with kids ~ your age. Work hard at this. You will need them - because they will know or know how to find answers to the 1,001 'little questions' you will have in the next 6 months.

- Include your partner in your life/love/fears/hopes discussions - you'll need this person a LOT once the baby comes; might as well start the emotional rollercoaster now. :) Good luck! New Mom Feelin' For Ya!

Oh, I am so sorry that is happening. It sucks. I think definitely say something to your friends and tell them how much you miss them and ask them to make the effort to connect with you. But, having said that, you guys may have different paths for awhile until they have kids. It is such a different life that they just cannot grasp.

We lived in New Orleans when we had our child and our friends just could not ''get'' that we couldn't party til 4am... not because we didn't want to or couldn't get a sitter, but because we would DIE of exhaustion from getting up the next day. This may be a hard and sad time for you losing your girlfriend group like that, but (a) you will get them back when they have kids and (b) you will meet wonderful mommy friends who ''get'' what you are doing and why you are doing it. And at the end of the day your life will be filled with all of these people... maybe playing different roles than they once did. Good luck! Jenny

I had a similar experience to yours when I was pregnant with my first, but I suppose it is different because I didn't have all that many female friends to begin with (I was/am an engineer, and most of the people I worked with here in the Bay Area were male). I did notice that one of my oldest friends totally grew distant, however--she lived here for a time and rarely made any effort to contact me, didn't come to my shower or give any good reason why not, and lives here again now and will hardly answer my IMs/emails/calls. I also feel like I don't have much in common with her or our other friend from our high school trio, since both of them have not even found a partner (and don't show any signs of it) and are focused on their careers instead. While the 2nd friend still makes an effort to call me from time to time and shows interest in my 3 year old daughter and 2nd pregnancy (and came to my shower 3 years ago all the way from Minneapolis), it's clear we don't have a lot to talk about anymore because her life is all about work and mine's not.

That being said, I feel so much more fulfilled now that I have new women friends who have a lot in common with me; one should never underestimate the bond of motherhood. Although it is sad to lose touch and feel like your old childless friends aren't interested anymore, by the time you have your baby and have gone through pregnancy, labor, the newborn period, and the toddler years with the support of other moms who have done the same thing, you will have friendships the nature of which you probably can't imagine now. Not that they can replace the old friendships, but at least it's something new and tremendously rewarding in its own right. This may sound cheesy, but I liken it to having a ''tribe'' almost; it feels like this is what primitive women do when they sit around and talk and cook or work and the kids all play together and stay out of your hair. Very natural and satisfying. Good luck! --Love my new mom friends

It must be sad to feel this way at a time when you probably want to be able to share the changes you're experiencing and your excitement with friends who have been there for you in the past. It's possible you may be a little extra-sensitive at this time in your life. Have you tried talking to your friends (or one in particular) about what's going on? You could try telling them you feel like you're not as close as you used to be, and you feel sad about it, but you're not sure if you're imagining things. You could ask if they've noticed anything or have any observations about what's going on. (I'm not suggesting that you really are imagining these changes in your friendships, but in my experience the direct-yet-gentle/humble approach can be helpful in opening up a dialogue). Maybe they have some feelings (perhaps triggered by your pregnancy) that they're not fully aware of - but your asking them will cause them to reflect. Maybe your friends have feelings about their own fertility or related issues that are interfering with their ability to be as open with you as you'd like. Who knows? It's worth a try to open up the conversation and see where it takes you. Good luck! Leslie

The same thing happened to me. I didn't realize how much of my pre-child lifestyle revolved around going to bars and late night clubs until I just didn't feel like doing that when I was pregnant. I tried so hard to keep in touch with my former girlfriends, but it just didn't work out. I'm sure it's very common. I don't have anything to tell you about keeping your old friends. I had much better luck making new pregnant ( at pre-natal yoga class) or new mom friends (join a mom's group right away no matter what else you do after the baby is born, it will be the best thing you can do for yourself!!!) MJ

Are we alone in preferring our new baby to our old friends?

Jan 2007

Please bear with me through this soap opera: I heard that having a child will strain certain friendships and strengthen others. Well, my wife and I were friends with a young woman for a few years before having a kid, and since the appearance of our daughter (she's 7 months old now), this friend of our has grown to be more and more of a burden.

As new parents, our priorities have shifted radically - there is just no way we can go on an all-day hike with her, nor can we come over for dinner or go out for a movie. Truth be told, we're hardly interested in things like that anymore. Our priority is the baby and each other. This friend's reply is ''other people have babies and have a life too''; then she tries to load us with guilt as though all these difficulties in our friendship are the result of us simply not wanting to be around her anymore. Talk about a self-fulfilling prophecy!

What's worse, she's obsessed about her upcoming marriage, and we don't have any time or desire to share in it.

We do have a friend who fits in well with our new baby, who helps out when we need help or just comes by to spend time with all three of us. Needless to say, our other friend is intensely jealous of this relationship and has grown ever more upset. It's just not any fun at all being with her anymore, but we don't know what to do about it. For my part, I've tried telling her that relationships do change, but that doesn't mean they stop - they change and grow, too. But I don't think she paid attention.

So do I consider this friendship a casualty of our new baby? How do you know when it's time to ''break up'' with a friend? What are some similar experiences you BPNers have had? Are we alone in preferring our kid to many (but not all of our) old friends? Happy Parents, Few Friends

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I am really not sure what your 'friend' is getting from this relationship. You have no interest in her or the important things going on in her life. At the same time you expect her show endless support and interest in the things going on in your life.

It is okay to live in a new mom fog for a while...we've all been there. At some point though, you are going to want to rejoin the rest of the world. -anon

I had a similar situation with a friend after my daughter was born. Truthfully, I was tiring of this friend's self-centeredness before the baby, but becoming a mom pushed me over the edge and I finally broke up with her when my daughter was a little less than a year. Being a parent changes your priorities, and if you're going to be parenting someone, it ought to be your kid, not your friend.

I did, however, want to be as kind as I could about it, and I eventually decided that writing her a letter (not an email, btw, a real letter) was the best way to explain how I was feeling and why I needed to stop seeing her. I told her all the ways I admired her and enjoyed her and wanted the best for her, but that what she wanted from me wasn't something I had to give at this stage in my life. She wrote back saying that she understood, and we haven't seen each other for several years. I imagine I may be friends with her again one day, but I don't know.

Only you can decide what's right for you to do in your situation. For me, it was the right thing and I've felt good about it. There is so much stress in being a new parent that it seems smart to me to remove any sources of stress you can. Good luck

I have no idea what to tell you about the friendship. If you don't like spending time with this friend, then don't. But I think she's right when she says that other people with babies have a life. Sure your life changes when you have a kid, and it's hard sometimes when people without kids don't get the limitations you have. No more 7:30 dinners, no more casual nights at the movies. But unless you have a particularly difficult baby, it sounds like you have really overstated your limitations. Hiking? I did tons of it -- my baby loved being in the backpack. Dinners over at friend's? Bring the baby and put her to bed in a portacrib, or have dinner early and go home at bed-time. You may not realize it, but your kid is more portable now than she will ever be again. Take advantage of it.

It's great to revel in the pleasure of having a new baby, but when you say you prefer being with your baby to being with most of your old friends, I worry about your future as a couple, and your daughter's future as the object of all your adoration. Babies grow up and develop their own social lives and if you've dispensed with all your friends in order to devote yourself to adoring your baby, you're in for a lonely time of it. Friends are a valuable commodity, but you have to treat them well if you want to keep them.

Explain your limitations clearly to your friend (e.g we really need to go home by 7:30, because Fiona tends to melt after that) but try being more giving to her as well.

There's no way she can understand your experience -- no one without kids can understand. But are you trying to understand her's? You sound pretty selfish in your post when you say that you're just not interested in her upcoming marriage. Not interested? Yeesh. It's her WEDDING for Christ's Sake, it's a big life changing event for her, just like your baby is to you. If you can't work up a little enthusiasm, I'd say she's better off without the friendship. Nelly

If you have to ask should you drop your friend, you weren't friends. You were friendly but not friends. By all means, she seems to care more about your friendship than you do. Stop deceiving her and let her find real friends that will love her despite her drama and allow her time to adjust and mature as people transition into new seasons of life. The test of a friendship is not the fun but the constancy and loyalty through troubled times. This is the kind of friendship that is built on a rock that no storm can destroy. Best of Luck Mare

This is interesting. I admire your caring about a person who seems to be making you so unhappy. It seems to me, if you have a ''friend'' who is not being a friend, you just gradually let go of them, don't nurture the friendship and they will disengage. Or, they may take your cues and alter their behavior. It sounds like there may be a little more to this, some reason why you feel obligated to remain ''friends.'' Talk it over with your mate and approach the problem together. Good luck! arbor

Oh, a difficult place for you and your friend. I don't blame you for nesting around your child and family. Nor do I blame your friend for feeling left out. Children really change--not you so much as the was you live your life. Your child is still a baby, so in some ways you can hang on to the illusion that you still can do things the old way (though you may not want to). As your child gets older, it will be increasingly difficult to maintain the old ways, because your child simply won't fit those ways all the time. For instance, a hike: a baby in a backpack is one thing: you can still go on that hike. But a toddler who wants to run, snuggle, walk, nap, play, and snack all within the space of hald an hour will make hikes much harder for everyone! Your friend will be frustrated, you will be frustrated, your child will be frustrated. Pretty soon, you'll start doing more and more with people who also have to remember to bring the sippy cup, or to rush home for that essential 1:00 p.m. nap. Maybe the flurry of planning a wedding makes your friend more self centered than usual (weddings do that to people), or maybe she just really misses you. If you could somehow tell her that it's not that you don't like her anymore, it's just that your needs and availabilities have really changed with the arrival of your baby. Friendships wax and wane. Maybe in time, especially if she has kids of her own, you'll start to have shared needs and interests again. Part of being a good friend is allowing another person to change without blame. anon

Happy Parents, Few Friends, Congratulations on your new baby. But while you're getting used to being parents, remember to treat your friendships with care. It's sometimes hard when friendships shift and change, even though it's inevitable. You need to be a bit more patient, it sounds to me, with your friend as she (and you) get used to the evolution of your friendship and parenthood. Your friend is right: people DO indeed have babies and a life. And frankly, people ought to have babies and a life. It's good for the baby, and good for you. If it's this particular friend who's bugging you, then don't make it due to the fact that you're parents now, who can only spend time with your child or with people who only want to spend time with your child. Of course your daughter is your utmost priority and truest love. She should be. But don't cut yourselves and her and your friendships off in the name of love and prioritizing. The romance of this rather self-righteous sounding imposed isolation seems to be a recent trend, and one that I do not quite understand. I am the mother of two small children, and I've been on both sides of this issue. I can remember when my friends first had children and drifted off into what seemed to me at the time a kind of scripted rhapsodic parenting, as if someone had told them that being a real, committed parent meant not caring about nurturing any relationship but the one with their newborn. I adore my children, and love spending time with them. They are my central focus. But I've strived to attend to my friends too. I like and love my friends. they're important to me. Also, I think my children benefit enormously from the committed, loving adults who are their parents' friends. Maybe this friend is just generally annoying you, and the new parenthood factor is just exacerbating that problem. anon

It's understandable that you're excited and consumed with your new baby, just as she's excited and consumed with her wedding. These things are equally important in a person's life - maybe she even delighted in your wedding plans and now she feels like it's your turn to share her enthusiasm for 'her' big event. You might not be able to go out on the same activities as you did in the past, but if you care about and respect your friend, you might try to meet her 'half way' before you decide it's your 'new' way or not at all. A small, kind gesture that tells her - despite the fact that your attention is now diverted to your baby - she's important to you - even if you can't see her as often - may be all she's looking for. The bottom line is that we all just want to be wanted. GCS

I am sorry to say that you are portraying your friend as a selfish person but you sound much more selfish than she is. You say she might be a 'casualty' of your baby birth... wow!

It looks to me that friendship to you comes out of convenience only and is not something you respect much. You also suggest this friend is wanting to keep the same type of relationship you all used to have (which doesn't include the baby) but then you suggest you don't care to share in her marriage plans. She is about to do something that's very important in a person's life and you don't care to participate... great friend you are.

And, you say you like this other new friend better, among other things, because she comes over and helps.... Interesting. Friendship is a two way street and friends are not there just for your convenience. Do her a favor and don't be her 'friend' anymore. Would-never-want-to-be-your-friend

It is true that with life changes, people come and go in our lives. What you really didn't mention in your post was how much you valued this friend before you had this baby. While obviously you don't value the friendship now, it's also apparent that you haven't sat down with her and had a good talk.

While you and your wife are blissfully happy with your lives and your baby, I'm sure she's feeling like she is losing a couple of good friends. Afterall, you three did lots of things together before the baby came along.

It would be good to invite her over oneday, and just talk about how things have changed. I think you owe it to the past friendship to make this one last gesture of communication. She may completely understand where you are coming from and there will be no hard feelings. She might gain new insight and decide take you up on those ''come over and just hang out'' nights. She may just frankly not understand that you guys just want to be homebodys.

But if you don't talk to her, there will be lots of hurt feelings. And, from the sound of things, she has already tried to tell you that she is hurt and missing your friendship.

Single people shouldn't have to lose their friends because of marriage and a baby. C-

You are not alone in preferring your child over friends much of the time. We have some great childless friends, and we love them and they are still our dear friends, but we don't see them as much anymore because getting together with them is difficult. They are very understanding and I think/hope that the underlying assumption is that we will stay friends and will be able to see each other more when our child is older and more independent (and goes for sleepovers at friends, stays up later, etc.). We also don't hire babysitters much, partly because we want to spend time with our child, and partly because we don't have the money. We are also trying to make some new friends who have kids the same age so we can socialize together and do kid- friendly things (visits to parks, playdates at each other's houses, take-out dinners together, etc.). Friendships do change when you have kids, but I like to think of it as gaining new friends and just changing the relationships with friends who don't have kids.

Now, about this 'friend'. It's OK for her to feel sad that your relationship has changed because of your child, but making you feel guilty about it is not something a good secure friend would or should do. (I know some of our childless friends feel bad about our changed relationships, but they never give us guilt trips. They know our lives have changed.) I think it may be time to 'break up' with her, because she isn't being a good friend, you don't enjoy her guilt trips, and you obviously can't be what she wants or expect in a friend. i don't know how you would do this. The alternative is to sit down for a heart-to- heart chat with her and spill you guts (gently) about how you feel. Perhaps she will feel better knowing that it's not her but your baby that has changed your priorities and maybe she'll stop guilt-tripping. just a thought. I guess I want to say don't feel bad for not wanting to be friends with this person anymore, and having kids does change your life and your friendships. Anon

I'm wondering if you ever liked this friend from the beginning and are using your newborn to justify letting her go. The reason is that there was so little in your post that indicated you had ever liked her. If there was a real friendship, I think you would have already let her know what works for your family: a short walk instead of a hike, a lunch instead of a dinner, a movie rental in your home instead of going to the theater. My advice is for you and your wife to be honest and decide if you are this woman's friend. If you are, you will suggest to her activities that work. If not, you will need to accept that you don't like her and move on with your lives. The last thing you want to be doing is blaming her for not fitting in with your new family when the truth may be that you don't actually like her. Anon

Sounds to me like this friendship has issues that go way beyond you just having a baby. Things do change and if she can't be understanding about it, then you may just have to ''break up'' with her. She seems extremely self-centered. Before I had my kids, I had no idea what happens emotionally as well as logistically when you have a baby and, unfortunately, those without kids have to exist in a different world for awhile. I was the last of my friends to have kids so I was the friend who kept doing stuff while they 'went underground.' Funny thing is, they came back as their kids got older. Unfortunately about the time they ''came back'' I went underground and am now the one not able to do stuff cuz I have babies. Maybe this friend will realize how to treat friends like friends and be understanding or maybe not. You might have grown out of her selfish behavoir regardless of giving birth! She sounds kinda awful. happy to be home

I wanted to respond to this post, as I thought some of the responses were a bit harsh. I'm going to assume that there is more history to this story and take another spin on it. It's possible that this friendship is of the more ''high maintenance'' variety, which I'm sure many of us have had. And, being a new parent is an intense and often overwhelming experience, particularly if one doesn't have support - family, friends in the area. Personally, I have a handful of very close, loyal friends - we've been there through it all, good and bad - the main characteristics of these friendships - give and take, compassion, understanding, honesty, communication. After having a big life change like a new baby, I discovered that I didn't have a lot of energy for toxic or needy or ''take but not give'' friends. (Of course, I realize that I was getting something out of this relationship - being needed, companionship). Also, as a new parent, I felt like we were in the black hole for some time.

When our son turned about 5 mos, we had more energy and time to research resources - learned about Tot Drop and babysitting co-ops, etc. Then, we started to make more room for adult lives, activities, adult friends, etc. Our society doesn't make family-friendly resources and support a priority. (Read any of Judith Warner's stuff on being a parent in Paris vs. U.S.?) So, cut the couple some slack. They'll find their way and realize that their lives need to make more room for adults, etc. Right now they're protecting their new family unit. And, it's very possible that they don't have the energy that they used to to give to friendships that are not of the give-and-take, non-high maintenance, non-toxic variety. Of course, this is my interpretation; but, as I said - there's probably more history to this, but I'm going to assume the positive and that they're not as selfish as some decided. positive spinner

Waning old friendships and making new mom friends

Dec 2006

As a new Mom, I naively thought my old friendships (15+ yrs)would strengthen with our now shared motherhood experience. Unfortunately, the opposite seems to be occurring. I am grieving this change and looking to make some new mom friends \x96 \x93real\x94, supportive connections. As a SAHM, I feel isolated sometimes. Two of my old friends are unstructured and lead more chaotic lives than we like to. While I am flexible and sometimes too accommodating, I am responsible and pretty organized. These two girlfriends have become even more flakey since having children \x96 setting up time to see each other just leaves me frustrated and disappointed. (Another note \x96 we don't live in the same areas, so there is a little effort in coordinating get-togethers) My other close friend is prego w/ her first and a pretty intense career woman and doesn\x92t really get my decision to stay home for a period of time. I realize that it isn\x92t personal \x96 but sad/disappointing on some level. As Moms, we have different values and approaches \x96 which have become greater obstacles than during our pre-family lives.

Also, I\x92ve done a decent job trying to meet other moms in SF. I realize friendships take time to nurture. I am the \x93coordinator\x94 of my playgroup, tried to organize a mom neighborhood get-together, but what I\x92ve discovered is that many moms are so busy/over-scheduled these days. There hasn\x92t been a lot of reciprocation, but on the positive side, I have made a few new mom friends that I hope may deepen \x96 right now they\x92re pretty casual. Interestingly, these new friends are more likely to be open and honest about their experiences as a new mom, unlike my old buddies, which has been surprising to me, which I cannot really explain.

I\x92ve never struggled making friends \x96 particularly pre-baby; I seem to have made quite a few new friends at the local playground with the Latina nannies which has helped my Spanish. I\x92d welcome some honest, constructive input - advice, resources (books, etc) or reality check (Am I over thinking/feeling \x96 being too sensitive?). Should I let my old friendships run their natural course? Maybe I have an unrealistic and idealistic view of what to expect? Maybe focus on re-engaging with my pre-baby interests, volunteering & work? SF Mom

I don't have any advice, just sympathy. Unlike you, I did not have a lot of friends before kids either, and it has just gotten harder since then. Although I have many ''casual'' friends, (talk while waiting to pick up kids, at cubscouts, PTA meetings, etc), I can't seem to develop any deeper friendships. I don't know if it is me, or everyone is just too busy, or what. I feel that even though I am busy (work full- time, two kids, activities, etc), I still have plenty of time that I would like to spend with friends. -Hoping for advice too

As a new mom myself, also going through changes in friendships with this life transition, I feel that you are partly going through something natural and partly being very judgmental of your other mom friends. On the one hand, motherhood is so time-consuming that it becomes harder and harder to put the same kind of time into our friendships like we used to, especially when both are moms and there is just NO time. Sometimes, non-mom friends don't really get how much our lives change. It is natural that friendships go through a painful shift.

Yet, some of what you said was a bit much. As you well know, juggling life and baby is hard, hard work. So they aren't as organized as you. A bit chaotic. What do you care about their personal style? Maybe they are having a really tough time at it. Maybe they actually feel best with a little bit of chaos in their lives. Frankly you sound very judgemental about their parenting (or any parenting that isn't like your parenting), and there's just no rational basis for it. Believe it or not, you aren't the world's best mother. Your methods aren't the world's best methods. There are A LOT of ways to raise a child well, with love and care. And its most important to find a good fit so that mommy and baby are both happy and lessed stressed out. If these are your friends, then cut them some slack. Maybe they think you are acting like the CEO of Motherhood, yet they aren't (presumably) wanting to end their friendship with you because of it. To me, it sounds like all of this is coming from a place of insecurity on your part. You have a hard time handling other ways of parenting because you are, at some level, unsure of yourself as a parent and need the self and other validation that your methods are so correct that a parent with any other lifestyle is not even worth being friends with. Be a little easier with yourself. Parenting is tough, but its much more an art than a science. I'm sure that you - and your friends - are doing a fine job. Toddler Mom

Someone on the list posted a response to your plight which came across to me as awfully cruel & spiteful. I did not feel that your original post came across as judgmental about your friends' organizational & parenting skills.

To me, your request for advice reflected a profound sense of loneliness & frustration at having your attempts to reach out seemingly rebuffed. You sound like a positive, extroverted person who finds herself unable to connect with anyone right now.

Trust me, your feelings are valid, but I promise that this wretched stage of isolation will pass. We love our kids to death, yet early motherhood is awfully danged hard, exhausting, lonely & isolating. Infants & toddlers have unpredictable feeding/sleep schedules & moods which make it difficult for even the most organized & socially-motivated parents to stay in touch with old friends & connect with new ones.

All I can say is: hang in there, keep making social overtures (folks do & WILL appreciate them even if they're too overwhelmed to respond right now), find ways to nurture yourself in the meantime, & seek out more casual social outlets so you don't feel too dreadfully lonely while waiting for old friendships to redevelop & new ones to develop. Your reaching out will definitely pay off later -- both for you & the parents & children lucky enough to befriend you.

As you & your friends gain experience as parents & the children get a bit older, you'll gravitate towards each other again, plus, you'll make new friends too through playgroups, classes, preschool, school, etc. Once the kids are down to one nap a day, are entirely or mostly weaned from nursing, start talking, & can stay dry for 2-4 hour stretches, your social lives will pick up, I swear Formerly desolate mom

Thank you to ''Formerly Desolate Mom'' for her compassionate and understanding response. It resonated with me. As new mothers, I applaud her support, respect and kindness towards another mother. I also found ''Toddler Mom's'' comments hurtful and unnecessarily harsh. It's tough and isolating as a new parent. As women and as mothers, a little more support and kindness - while we may not always get it or agree with other moms out there - makes the world a better place! Thank you for your example of compassion, Formerly Desolate Mom - you are an angel anon

I am in a similar boat (and in SF) and feel so sad about my waning old friendships. I have tried to see this as an opportunity to make new kinds of bonds, but it is certainly hard to get out there with an infant son. I try. What seems difficult to me is that other new moms aren't necessarily open to developing real friendships because they are so overwhelmed with being new moms. In any case, my suggestion is to allow yourself to mourn the loss of old friendships. I haven't severed ties completely, but I do expect less of those old friends. It definitely has me feeling like more of an island these days, but the holidays help in my case because family obligations abound. I hope they help you, too. I keep putting myself out there and know that one of these moms (or dads) will be a great friend, given time. You may email me if you like. And happy new year!

My closest pre-baby friendships have ended or changed

Oct 2004

Since having a baby about a year ago, I feel like some of my most important, closest friendships (mostly with people also having babies) have changed in ways I don't exactly understand, and I'm not sure what to do about it. Some friendships have ended, and some have just become more shallow. This has happened with women friends, and with couple friends as well. It hurts--it feels kind of like being in junior high. To make things worse, I'm being really hard on myself about these changing friendships--as if I have done something terribly wrong--rather than accepting this as something that might easily happen to people who are tired, busy, and immersed in caring for babies.

I love being a mom but I feel like I am becoming more isolated from people my age, which concerns me, as I don't feel like I have much of a support system at the moment. Throughout my life, I've been a good friend to others and had good friends in return, but I'm kind of an introvert and don't make close friends easily.

So, because I feel like I'm the only one who's had this happen, what I'm looking for is support. Has this happened to anyone else after having kids? How did you deal with it? Is it normal to have friendships change (in ways you don't like) after motherhood? Pre-baby, I had visions of having my child play with my friends' kids for years and years, but now, I don't feel like I am really friends with some of my friends anymore. Any kind words of wisdom would help, as I'm having a hard time getting perspective on the situation. Sad Mom

Most of our friendships have not changed per se, and we didn't have any friends having children around the same time than we did, but this same thing happened to some of our non-parent friends: their friends had a baby and disappeared from their lives. I think there are two things at play here - people who have babies have busy lives, and often put friendships in the backburner and friends of people with babies may feel shy about intruding in their lives at such a busy time. What I did is take the initiative - at least at the beginning - for our social life. I was the one calling my friends, inviting them over for dinner or making dates to go out to child-friendly restaurants. And we continued talking about things other than babies - in addition to babies, as they are such a big part of our lives. Now that some of our friends are having babies, we make it a point to go visit them (call and say, what do you think about us dropping by on Sunday?). The point with a social life is that it won't happen unless you make it happen. anon

Hi, I've also found my (our) friendships have suffered since we all started to have kids. Some of the friendships were lost because there has been several divorces between our friends, and, as it usually happens, we lost touch with one of our friends. Other friendships are still there, but parents are so busy during the week and tend to spend so little time with their little ones during the week that on the weekends they need time to catch up with their household chores, spend time with their kids, and rest... they have little energy to make the effort to come visit friends, invite friends over, or make plans to go outside.

This has been frustrating at times for me, but I try to be understanding of the limitations my friends feel they have in their lifes. Since I'm still interested in the friendships and like my kids to play with other kids, I've decided that as long as I have the energy, I'll take the initiative to get together with our friends and don't try to expect much in return. Another strategy that has helped has been to make friends with neighbors, for some reason being closer by seems to make things much easier, whether is setting up a play-date or a pot-luck...

The last thing that has also helped me is to try to get together only with my girlfriends, when the kids are sleeping or cared for by another adult. We get together everytime we can work a schedule out, and it is a great opportunity to have fun, enjoy uninterrupted conversations, and vent some of our common frustrations...

I feel that frienships tend to become more difficult once one has a kid because of the limited time, both to nurture the friendships and to make new ones. My friends who have kids who are older also went through a readjustment period when they had kids and now have actually revived much of their old friendships... so maybe we can just hope that it's only a period of our lives?? Anon.

Boy can I relate! After my child was born I found a lot of my friendships changing. I think it was a combination of things -- some of my friends just assumed I'd become a Stepford Mom and wouldn't want to do the same things that I used to (or that I wouldn't be able to with the baby), B) we were so overwhelmed by having a baby that it just got hard for us to be as social and it seemed like a much bigger deal to invite people over to go out to see them (in hindsight I think we could have done more) and C) I also craved the company of women with babies because I felt a bit lost in it all and it was comforting to share and exchange experiences with them. So for a while, my friend circle changed a bit (you worded it very well: some of my closest friendships became temporarily more shallow). I think it took us all a while to adjust -- I needed to come back to ''myself'' a bit and they needed to realize that I was still ''me''. In the years since then I've learned to really value the people who made the effort to stick it out with me and the people that I had to work extra hard to keep in my circle. A few did drift a bit and haven't returned. I am sad for them but massively grateful for the friendships that I maintained and the new ones that popped up along the way. All I can say is that it is a big transitional time and both you and your friends will probably sort it out, but it will take a little extra effort on everyone's part. Some folks seem to have a preconceived notion of what a ''parent'' or ''mother''is and have a hard time thinking of that person as their friend -- they take *extra* work. Sometimes it was helpful for me to point out that I had a baby, not a lobotomy. ;-) isabel

hi, just wanted to say i feel you!!! it is definitely harder after having kids for all the reasons you stated. one thing i noticed is that many of my friends have very different parenting philosophies and it is very awkward when we are hanging out together and a very normal thing happens like a tantrum or crying... or even just how you feed or teach your child some basic skills in life - you just feel compared to if you don't share philosophies with your friends.

so all my fantasies about my kids playing with friends kids have vanished because in many cases because we don't see eye to eye on child rearing. i hear about the frustrations of one parent or the other, so it just makes it awkward when we are all together, a child is crying and you know all the ''background'' conflict going on about how one person is handling a situation...

i haven't found a good solution other than trying my best to let my friends know it's ok that we do things differently and i think we're all sort of getting over it. i figure i can meet more like minded parents when my child is in preschool...we'll see. good luck

I have been through this even before the baby got here. The key for me was to stop blaming myself for being dropped by former friends and try to move on. I know that when I checked in about my behavior I was clear I had done nothing ''wrong'' - different, yes, but ''wrong'' or ''bad'', no. I am trying to connect with others and develop new friendships. Its working but it takes both time & energy. good luck

Oh, Sad Mom, i wish I could say something that would immediately make you smile and feel happy again, but i don't know what that is. It has been my experience, also, that friendships change after you have a baby, and now with a little more sleep every night (my child is 4), i think it's becasue we change in so many ways when we become parents that we can't help but have our relationships change, too. At my son's 4-y-o birthday party, I remember twlling my sister, who is childless by choice, that two years ago i could remember what my life felt like before i was a mom, but now I really can't . I mention that because you must still be looking both ways--the way your life and friendships were before children and how they are now. It takes time, and sometimes considerable effort, but if you can let go of the way things were and focus instead on the wonderful person you are becoming as a mom, i think you'll be able to let the old friendships roll and change more easily. And inn the mean time you might consider meeting parents of other kids your child's age. No doubt there is a world of people with whom you can form new friendships. Also, now that my child is a wee bit older and not in mmy lap every minute (and i do not have to watch him like a hawk), I am finding some reviving of the older firendships. They are different than they were, but the old friends are there. That is gratifying. I bet the same things will happen for you. Take heart. another mom

I could have written your post! It didnt strike me before, but it is kind of like junior high, isnt it?Unfortunately, I have no suggestions-Im kind of muddling through it myself. One thing that might help is taking a step back- pretty much what I did in junior high- lowering my expectations, reducing my dependence and meeting new people. Not trying too hard also makes me feel less frustrated. In my case, it feels like the other person in each relationship is satisfied with the status of the relationship, so the change needs to be on my side. Ide be very intersted also in hearing from anyone whos experienced the same thing or has any advice/suggestions to offer. Thanks! feeling confused and sad too

I think it is totally normal for friendships to change after having a baby -- even with other couples who have babies. I have relatively few of my pre-baby friendships left; generally only those in which we shared a very strong common interest that I have made a particular point of keeping up. Strangely enough, the friendships that have lasted best have been with two single women and a couple with no kids.

I had visions of making lots of new friends, with my moms' group members, with other parents of children sharing the same daycare provider etc. (I had heard that it's easy to make friends with other moms) and this has not been the case either.

It comes down to this, I think: friendships require energy. Good, strong, deep friendships require a lot of energy. When one has kids, they take up most of our energy. We ration what's left, and have superficial relationships with people we come into contact with while managing our children's days, and/or a couple of good friendships with people with whom we are close enough that it's worth the energy involved. Sad, it seems, but I've not found any way around it. Karen

Yes, friendships definitely change after having children. I have grown away from some friends who don't have kids and don't want to be around kids, become closer to single girlfriends who adore being around our little one and become closer to new friends with children in the same age group. But, just because your friends aren't as close as they once were, I wouldn't take it personally. Some of my friends with children work (FT or PT) which means it is often hard to find quality ''girlfriend time''. Some friends who are stay-at-home moms have more than one child and are so busy with activities that I literally only ''catch up'' via email. I know that it is tough losing friends, especially when you have a little one who needs so much of your time. More than ever, it is important to carve out time for yourself and your friendships so that you feel regenerated for your little baby. I would not ''write-off'' your friendships, just realize that they may be in ''flux'' right now. In the meantime, I would recommend going to classes with your baby (ie. music classes, gym crawlers, mommy-and-me) and meet new moms. I met one of my closest friends today at my birthing class and mommy and me class. Make new friends (even if it is not easy for you, it is ALWAYS easier with kids since you automatically have something in common) and try to stay in touch with your old friends, even if only peripherally. And, one day, they may surprise you by becoming more available. Hang in there and reach out! hallas

I have definitely experienced differences in relationships with a couple of my parent-friends, some for the better and some for the worse. I have chalked alot of the change up to people being tired and busy taking care of babies. This is especially true for new parents with full-time jobs outside the home. I know I can't manage playdates and I figure they probably can't either. I find myself emersed in parenting (and enjoying it), but it changes the way we deal with friends. So how to deal with it? Well, I've tended to let it go. There's one friend I'm very sorry I'm not able to be with more, but she's clearly just overwhelmed by having a toddler and an infant and I figure we'll reconnect in a couple years. You shouldn't blame yourself. I think this is a common issue. Lori

Oh, Sad Mom...your story is so sad! But, here's to the light up ahead! Don't worry. All of us women go through our changes. Maybe your friends also had the same ideas about your kids growing up together and well, after having kids your hormones change, which in turn changes you. I wouldn't fret, though.

I had my daughter 3 years ago in SF and when she was 6 mos old, we moved to Oakland. I lost all of my friends who I thought were very close to me. That was a lot of people! No one visited and it seemed like no one cared. I was so depressed! But, after about a year or so, things shifted. We were introduced to friends of friends who have kids. Also, when our daughter started day care, we met some other parents and exchanged ideas and phone numbers. Made a few play dates. Things just naturally took it's course. Now, we have a great network of friends in the East Bay and haven't really given SF a second thought! (Who needs then anyway!)

Once I established some connections with others, i didn't feel the need to be with anyone else but, my own child and husband. And the occasional dinner party was something so wonderful to look forward to! Might I suggest you pool together the few remaining friends that seem interested and throw a small dinner party...or a brunch, perhaps. It might just give you that edge to put your feelers out and see who's still in the mix with you. And as you metnioned, maybe everyone is just TOO BUSY! I know I am! But, it's worth a shot, no? tinygirl

Yes, many of my friendships changed, sometimes in surprising ways, after I had a child. The saddest change of all was the eventual loss of what had been my very closest friendship for many years. I was ''godmother'' to my closest friend's daughters. I was at the the birth of her younger child, and was very, very close to the girl when she was very young. When the little girl was five, I finally had my own child. I had had visions of how having my own child was going to bring us so much closer. Instead, it seemed to begin the process of driving us apart. I was disappointed that my (grown up) friend did not seem to be as interested in or attached to my child as I was to hers. I think she, for her part, was simply done with babies. As my life became more and more focused around my son, hers became less and less focused around small children. Admittedly, a variety of other factors contributed to the eventual ''demise'', at least for now, of that friendship.

The upside is that I have made many new friends since the birth of my son. I also have tended to be shy and make friends slowly, but having a child has really helped to ease that process. Instantaneously, I feel that I have something in common with other moms of similar aged children. I have met moms at Mom's groups, through other friends, through my temple, and through my son's school. Because all of us are focused on similar issues around raising and enjoying same-age children, we have much in common.

Interestingly, while I became more distant from some of my old friends, I also became closer to others. I even became closer to some of my single, childless friends because they were people who really wanted young children in their lives.

I sympathize with how painful it is to have friendships shift, and hope that you will make new connenctions with new friends. Nanu

I had a hard time with friendships after having children also (see my post from Sept 2002 under How to find adult friends, post-kids? )

I found people's responses there comforting, so you might also. It's now two years later, and things have improved. Years(!) of attempts like those described in my post have yielded some results, so we do have more friendships with other famililes. We do sit and watch our children play together. It has also helped that my children are older, and can really talk with me. They are just better at filling my need for companionship. Part of our problem was we had some friends out of the area, so we have made it known that we LOVE houseguests. (Otherwise people assume you don't want them to stay with you.) This also has provided some really satisfying time with friends.

That said, it's never really the same. I just don't have the time (with work, housework, dealing with the children) that I used to have to spend with friends, especially on the day to day level, and this diminishes the intensity and immediacy of friendships, though I think I put a considerable amount of effort into friendships. But some of my friends who have kids are plainly too busy to be friends with me now. Also, my friends and I used to discuss everything in our lives, and now I (and I think from observation, they too) feel inhibited in discussing our relationships to our spouses, and to a lesser extent our children and our finances. Though this saddens me, I guess I have just learned that it's just the way things are. I hope that later in life, when I and others have more time, I will again find the kinds of friendships that I had when I was younger. In the mean time, I am more content with the gains I have made. Looked for friendly advice

Your email really touched a chord with me so I hope my comments are helpful. Since having a baby--in fact, since being pregnant--a number of my friendships have changed, too. At times I, too, have felt very sad that friends who were once close no longer seem to be. These friends repeatedly ask us out to events we can't possibly go to with an infant and act puzzled when we repeatedly explain we can't make it. Or they politely ask about our son (and until recently, my labor) but then their eyes glaze over as soon as we respond. I hope this doesn't sound arrogant, but I'm convinced some of my friends' reactions to my pregnancy, and now to our new family, come from them not knowing how to think about their own fears, concerns, interest, or disinterest in having children themselves. Or perhaps they genuinely don't like children.

Of course they're entitled to whatever reaction they have to me, my son, our family. But you know what? I've decided I don't need to counsel these friends, or be understanding of their indifference or discomfort--my initial reaction, as I'm the one who's made the ''change'' in our relationship. Instead, I've decided to just ''give up'' on some of those friendships for the time being. Rather than being repeatedly frustrated or hurt by my interactions with these people, it's been easier to tell myself that my childless friends will figure it all out one day, if they have kids, and that in the meantime we all have different priorities emotionally and more practically, as well. Or that even without kids of their own, they'll get it eventually. I get angry at some of them for ignoring my son, not asking after him, assuming he's a burden or an interference with ''real life''; but I can't ask those people to change. Having made this decision, I feel that a real burden has been lifted from my shoulders.

One more thing--have you been able to meet other people wiith children? Or have you perhaps found that you have a new relationship with any friends, colleagues, or family who also have kids? I know you said that you don't make friends quickly, but perhaps even small, slow connections with others with children will make you feel less isolated. I have been wonderfully surprised by the new friendships we've started to grow with others with young children, and with how having a child of my own has allowed me to understand better those around me with kids. I suspect that not so long ago I may have been one of those hurtful or perhaps just clueless, childless friends--and now I ''get it.''

Hang in there--I know this can sound trite, but things really will get better as you grow a new circle of acquaintances and friends. brigid

I have the same problem, it seems like it's inevitable that friendships change, particularly with my single friends. I've started taking my 5 month old to Gymboree and that is a good way to meet and talk to other moms. Also, I try to call my friends when I have some time so they know that I'm still attempting to stay in touch despite a busy schedule. There's also mom groups, I haven't joined one yet but I hear they're a great source of support. Good luck! Terema

I'm getting into the fray late on this, but after reading the other responses I had to pipe in with my own. I was worried about my friendships and yes, they have changed, but my own approach has been to see that I have to make more of an effort than my childless friends (because they're uncertain of me) and my friends with children, who are very harried. Every week, my husband and I invite at least one, maybe two friends over for dinner during the week. Yes, it's tiring to cook with an infant, to clean the house before, etc. But I find that many of my childless friends are uncertain of how much time I have and what kinds of things I can easily do. And many of my friends with children just can't get it together enough to make plans. This is the only way I can see to preserve these friendships. Also, I try to talk about having a child less than I'd like to around friends without children (and probably MORE than they'd like me to). One thing that's clear is that having a child brings up all kind of issues for my childless friends (will they meet someone in time to have children, do they want children?) and my goal as a friend is to be sensitive to these insecurities and fears. Myhusband and I also try to go out with our child as much as possible--restaurants, outdoor concerts, Bbqs, even karoake, to show our friends that they're still important to us and life doesn't completely change with a baby. Yes, it's a hassle but it's worth it. The main thing is to just GET THROUGH the transition time with my friendships intact. So far it's worked pretty well. More superficial? Perhaps. But I'm just grateful that we're still all trying to make a go of it. Good luck! t

Whenever your life changes, weather it is due to getting married or having a baby , getting divorce or loosing a spouse..........Your friends change too. The whole scenery changes. You drag on with friends for a while but sooner or later you realise that you just dont connect with them any more, they talk and think about different things than you are thinking about. You can drag your baby to just so many late night parties...or if you are the one who is single........will feel unfit in couples parties. I tried this too............but felt really unconnected and the more effort i put in to dragging my self to freids who i did not connect with , the more effort it became. There was no fun in it for me and i would be really frustrated and upset after I came back. I am better off with out friends that make me feel allien and different and not connected. sherry