Group Gifts for Teachers
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Middle school encourages individual holiday gifts for teachers
Dec 2013
We started in a new middle school this year. It is one of the independent schools, and the campus goes from k-8. We recently received an email saying something to the effect that the the parents' association does not coordinate group gifts, but that we may give gifts to teachers on our own, or coordinate with others to give group gifts.
I find this troubling in so many ways, and wish for this topic that we had gone to the school that basically says thank you very much, but no gifts up front. The problem (which my school doesn't seem to recognize, but another private school does) is that the wealth levels of the parents varies so widely that I can guarantee that my ability to give meaningful gifts to all 7 or 8 or 9 teachers, plus administrative staff, will be inadequate, particularly compared with those wealthier families. Also, now that they've brought it up semi-officially, I feel somewhat obligated. I wish they had just said either that the parents' association is collecting money for gifts for ALL of the middle school teachers and staff, or that they don't want any gifts.
The other thing that's a little weird, honestly, is that in the official email sent from the school, they've said they're really looking forward to the holiday lunch that the parents will apparently provide, but I don't know that anybody is actually organizing it (just heard about it last week, actually), and we JUST put on a huge lunch for all the teachers a month ago, and the official email never even bothered to say, gee, thanks, that was great! The whole thing just feels like a giant energy suck.
Don't get me wrong; I love the school, I love the teachers, I'd love to do something for them. I could write out a check for $100 if I knew that it would be distributed along with other contributions to total something meaningful. But following that email, I feel like I can't really organize anything (and being new to the school, I was kind of waiting to hear from the folks who would be collecting for the teachers), and I feel like if I don't go out and give gifts to every single teacher, we will look like we lack generosity and holiday spirit. And baking goodies now seems hopelessly inadequate. I even get the feeling that they may encourage individual gifts because the wealthier families may prefer that their larger gifts be recognized individually, rather than lumped into a group pile.
I know we can write cards to the teachers, but even that seems inadequate. We're not on financial aid, but we are really squeezed with the tuition. It's a small school, too. Thanks for your suggestions. And if I don't get them before we go out on winter break, I'll use them next year!
I teach in a K-8 Middle School, hope it's not the same one! I don't know what they tell the parents about gifts but I receive gifts from some students and a gift from the parents association. I don't teach a core subject and I get the impression the core subject teachers get more gifts but we also don't compare notes so I don't know for sure. The gifts range from homemade treats to gift certificates. I appreciate the gifts, but certainly don't expect them, and I know everyone says it but the notes, with even a sentence or two that is personal, mean more than the gift. If I were you I'd ask a room parent or parents association rep what they advise and then don't worry. Teachers love your kids regardless of whatever gifts you give or don't give. Middle school teacher
My guess is, you're overthinking this. Take the advice at face value. If you want to give an individual gift to one or more teachers, of cookies, small inexpensive gift, cash, or just a card, do so. If you want to organize a group gift to be able to give a larger amount, do so. If you don't want to do any of the above, then don't. It's all fine. At my child's private school, group gifts aren't solicited at holiday time, but only at the end of the year. At holiday time, some parents give individual gifts. Some give nothing. I've done one or the other depending on the year--how motivated or busy I am, how much I like the teacher. I don't feel it's obligatory. I personally never give money, even though I know the teachers would appreciate it. I just don't like the financial-transaction aspect of an individual cash gift. We mostly try to have our child make a holiday card, and sometimes send along baked goods. But I do contribute to the group cash gift at the end of the year. I would think, in these types of group gifts, the amount given by individual families is not divulged to the teacher and is only known by the person who collects it. I collected one year, and about 75% of the families participated. So it was definitely not mandatory, and no one knew who contributed and who didn't, including the teachers who received the gifts.
As far as the lunch thing goes, shouldn't the PTA be handling that? Not your problem, unless you're in charge. Again, let it go. No need to worry so much
I'm pretty certain our children attend the same independent school. I have a middle school student and a lower school student and our family is in our 7th year with the school.
I'd like to shed a different light on the email sent by the parents association. The email is pretty consistent from year-to-year, and the intent is quite different than what you perceived (yes, perhaps some edits could be suggested). The parents association funds gifts for each teacher, and therefore no parent should feel obligated to do anything more. They understand that some parents, and in some cases, groups of parents, want to do more. But their message is worded to actually discourage additional giving because of exactly the pressures you describe.
In our history with the school, we have sometimes been part of classes where a collection is taken up for a particular classroom. Some parents contribute, some don't. Some give $5, some give $50. And the teachers never know who gave or how much. The collections are more common within the lower school because the students truly have a 'primary' teacher. I know there was no collection via my middle schooler this year. And frankly, a heartfelt email or handwritten letter to a particular teacher who is impacting your child's education will be appreciated at least as much as any token or monetary gift.
There are three teacher appreciation lunches during the school year, hosted by the families of K-2, 3-5, and 6-8. I believe 6-8 was the most recent, so it may feel ''too soon'' for another holiday potluck. But just know your turn is over, and any food you contributed was graciously received and consumed.
BTW, this is going to reach you after school breaks for the holidays. Please feel comfortable reaching out to ''veteran'' parents for more timely information going forward. You will find the parent group to be quite open and forthcoming (not to mention cool and friendly!). -anonymous
I feel badly that you're anxious about this. Ideally, gift giving should be pleasurable - not a source of stress. I'm pretty sure my child attends the same middle school as yours. The way I interpreted the school email was that the parents association provides every teacher with an Amazon gift card and a bottle of wine and no other gifts are necessary. My understanding is that other gifts, including group gifts, are not prohibited but are optional and not the responsibility of the room parents.
I think the confusion is that since it's a K-8 school, the K-5 kids have a single teacher all day/year to whom they often get attached and it is much more common at that level for parents to want to give holiday gifts to their teachers. The middle schoolers obviously have several different teachers every day so the attachment level and expectations are different. I also get the sense that the school does realize the economic disparity of families in the community, which is why they try to discourage the concept of group gifts, especially monetary ones. I think the reason they don't ban gift giving outright is to afford the opportunity for the younger kids to show their appreciation in some small way.
Personally I didn't give anything to my middle schooler's teachers and I honestly don't think they expected anything. In the future if my child becomes attached to a certain teacher or one of them is above and beyond helpful/caring then I would certainly think about showing my appreciation in some small way but in the meantime I don't plan to give gifts or money across the board to middle school teachers. Hope this helps...
I am a parent of elementary school kids and I am also a high school teacher. I had never heard of the teacher gift fund until my own kids started school, and the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable. You dismissed the idea of writing cards as insignificant, but I think that a note from a parent is a meaningful gift. I am not saying this to be all holier-thank-thou or anti-consumerist. I think a lot of teachers are trying the best they can (though they do not always feel sure that their efforts are working), so when a parent tells me that s/he appreciates what I am doing, that is the best feeling in the world. In this case, it really is the thought that counts. Thankful teacher
I think we may have attended this school (we left before middle school.) I'm with you, I think it is strange, and it is bound to make many parents uncomfortable.
My first thought is that the purpose of the message is to absolve the Parents Association of any organizational duties. I think they sent the message because they want all the parents at the school to be clear that the Parents Association is not planning to do anything in terms of organizing the gift-giving. They want parents to know that it is up to individual parents to organize if they want to pool resources.
Personally I think this is tacky. It also says something about the school culture. What is a parents' association for, if not to organize and support parents? If this is the same K-8 school we attended, the members of the Parents Association were actually appointed/approved by the school's administration, and their function was to rubber-stamp all administrative decisions on behalf of all parents. So it makes sense they would not be interested in doing anything useful that would help out parents during the holidays. Just my 2 cents.
This seems pretty benign. The other parents and teachers really aren't going to compare. At our middle school the holiday gifts are edible treats for holidays, cash when the school year is over. Just provide what you can or if you have the time to write a letter, super! Middle school mom
Bad form to give preschool teacher gift + pooling money?
Dec 2012
we have a child in preschool and all the parents are pooling money to give her teachers a monetary gift. we are adding to that pool but we want to give her teachers a small gift in addition to that money...like a gift card or something like that. is that considered bad form? when everyone is pooling money to give a joint gift? anon
Yes - I think it would be seen as bad form - the point of a group gift is to relieve parents from choosing a gift and comparing amounts. What is so stressful about teacher gift-giving, end-of-year tipping, etc. for parents, is not knowing what others have given and not wanting to look like the cheapskate by giving less than others. So you giving more may kind of up the bar for everyone.
I would say, to keep peace and good relations among the parent community, go ahead and contribute to the group gift, and if you want to do an additional gift, keep it non-monetary, like a homemade card created by your child, or a letter of thanks for the staff's hard work this year. preschool veteran
I don't see anything wrong (or it being bad form) to also provide something seperate to a teacher if you would like, as long as it is in addition to and not in lieu of the group fund. We did that and know many parents do as well. parent of a preschooler
I think a community gift only works when *everyone* agrees that THAT will be the gift, not separate gifts from some/all of the parents. If everyone agrees to pitch in, and then some parents give gifts on top of the community gift, then it sort of destroys the concept of a community gift. It also gives the impression that the gift giver was not satisfied being part of the community and needs to show a kind of above it all largess. It's showing off, and it doesn't reflect well on the gift giver. Please add your contribution to the pool, and if you want to go above and beyond, then write a nice note.
Individual vs group gift for teachers
Jan 2009
This year a couple of parents at my child's class organized a monetary collection for the teachers. My husband insisted that we make an individual contribution instead. We did so, however I am quite uncomfortable about it. I am interested to hear what others have to say about this. Thanks! Anon
I think all gifts are optional and so there should be no obligation to chip in for a group gift, just as it is a choice to give something individually. I would usually choose to do a group gift because it seems like the teacher could get something useful out of it, whereas individually I cannot afford much other than more sugar & carbs for the teachers. However I believe all gifts are probably appreciated and I doubt anyone has the time or pettiness to worry about any of it. Is the issue what others might think or that your husband was attached to doing something separate? That might help you know how to proceed so you can let it go. (disclaimer: I am clueless about actual manners book type of etiquette.) another mom
Either one is fine! I am sure the teachers appreciated your gift. A group gift is by no means obligatory. It's the thought that counts.
If you are feeling bad because you didn't contribute to the group gift, I suggest you just let the other parents know that you chose to give an individual gift. I wouldn't think that would be a bad thing. The benefit of a group gift is that you can give the teacher something larger. We did this and gave a weekend B getaway for our son's teacher. I'm sure the teacher apreciate's whatever you give so I wouldn't worry about it. Most of all they probably want to hear that you appreciate them. anon
I am a teacher who has been given a few group presents, but mostly individual gifts. Honestly, it doesn't matter at all to me. If you chose to give an individual present and the rest gave a group gift it would have been fine. I never really thought about how much each parent gave for the group gift and I didn't want to know. It was fun to get a gift card; I know I could use it for whatever I wanted. Whatever you do just skip the mugs that say World's Best Teacher, etc. as most teachers have more than enough of these kind of things (even though I know that the parents who gave it had good intentions). A note from you or your child saying that would be great. An Oakland Teacher
I am a teacher. My job is really hard, and I don't get paid a lot. I appreciate any and all tokens of appreciation from families. There are gifts that are more useful than others, but it is really, really nice to be thought of, no matter how. My favorite thing is to get a card thanking me for something specific that has happened with a child during the year. I don't think you should worry about how you have given a gift to a teacher. It's just nice that you did. Thank You
My daughter's preschool class did a monetary group gift and I chose not to participate. It was just easier for me. Actually, I think the group gift was a gift card, and I just gave cash, and the teacher told me privately she really appreciated the cash! So, I am glad I didn't participate. just call me control freak
Our school prefers that for monetary gifts, they come from the whole class so that individual parents don't feel pressured to give more than they comfortably can. The card enclosing the check just says Love from 4B or whatever and no one except the person collecting the funds knows who gave or in what amount (and as the person collecting, I can tell you that I immediately forget after adding up the total). My general recollection is that most but not all parents participate. If your husband wanted to give his own gift, that seems fine to me as long as the school is OK with it. Fran
Well, WHY did your husband insist on making an individual gift? And why are you uncomfortable about doing that? If the gift was cash either way, I can't see that it really makes any difference.
We generally contribute to a class group gift when one is organized, but also give a non-monetary individual gift, usually a consumable treat (cookies, chocolate-dipped pretzels) that the child helped make -- or at least the child makes a card to go with the gift if it was purchased. Holly
I have 3 children. 2 in preschool, 1 in public school. IMO, the public school moms go way overboard with gifts for teachers. We are asked to give $30-40/year. The teachers get gifts at holidays, birthday, end of year and teacher appreciation week. It is way too much. When I have all 3 children there, I am going to cap it at $20 per child.
At the preschool, we did holiday gifts. It was completly optional. Some people chose to buy their own gifts, others went in together. There was NO pressure though. It was much more comfortable. Anon