Being a Young Parent

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Finding support and acceptance as a younger mom

Oct 2011

I hope this doesn't sound ridiculous...

But I am 24 and just had my first son. He was an unplanned surprise but wonderful and we love him all the same. However, I feel like in the Bay Area so many people look at me like I had a baby at 16!

I have attended numerous mom's groups and made an effort to reach out to other mother's (most of whom are 8 to 10 years older than me) and I feel like they do not reciprocate, or if they do they treat me like a child.

Yesterday, I went to a new mom's group and a women actually asked me, ''How do you afford to have a child at your age?'' I was shocked! First of all, Both my husband and I have college degrees and have careers. We are financially stable and my son is not suffering because of my age! However, I feel like so many women think that he is and frankly, it makes me feel like an outcast.

So my question is where do I go to find mom's who can be supportive and accepting of me and my child without judgement? I am not a teen mother and although I may be on the younger side I am completely comfortable with my choice to be a mom.

All I want is for other mom's to give me the respect and consideration that they do the other moms because I want my son to be able to play with the neighborhood children when he gets older and not be the ''kid with the young parents''.

Thanks for the advice Young-ish mama Anon

Hang in there, young mom. I also had my first child at 24 (my husband was 12 years older). I looked very young, and in my daughter's co-op preschool, I was tied for youngest parent in 27 families. I mostly got a kick out of being the baby, and now that I've remarried and have a 4-year-old (I'm 45 now) I miss those days! Now I'm the old mom, and frankly, a little envious of the young ones, who have the time to have another child close in age to their first, and who have more of their lives ahead of them.

I suspect some of those moms who are being rude are having similar feelings, but you're going to find people who are jerks regardless of the reason. Just keep searching until you find people you click with. They may or may not be your age; I had plenty of friends who were 8-10 years older than me. I don't have specific ideas for you, other than persistence (co-op preschools can be great ways to meet people, but since you mentioned a career that might not be an option for you).

Now that I'm 45, I still have to work to find other parent-friends. Maybe it's because I'm older than them and they're not interested. being a young mom is great

Hay, wanna hang with me? I was 45 when I had my youngest & people ask if they are my grand kids. I would love to know the cultural everythings etc involved in being a parent all that time! Funny, I thought 24 was when you were ''supposed'' to have kids! Maybe North Berkeley is a younger crowd! We have parks! Come here!

First, I want to say that I completely sympathize. I had my son when I was 25 and I also felt basically like an outcast and a teen mom. I think once someone thought I was the nanny. I joined a mom's group and everyone was 7-10 years older than me and it was very hard to make friends. My son is 8 now and I still have a lot of trouble relating to his friends' parents.

I don't have a lot of good advice about meeting other young moms - I wasn't really able to find them. The local playgrounds can be good (I went to totland recently with a friend and it was nice), I met some nice people through a kid's music class and I also met a lot of nice parents when my son started preschool. I think the key is more than age, finding people who share your values and people you can relate to.

Also even though I wanted to have a baby it took me a while to grow into being a parent and a confident mom. As I became more confident in my abilities as a mom I began to care less about the weird things people said to me, which I realize now were often projections of their own issues about age or just a general lack of tact. It's tough and I feel for you - being a young mom here can be very isolating. Best of luck and I hope you meet some great people! Been there

Oh I'm so sorry! I had my daughter at age 25, and I have never heard comments like that and would have been shocked if I had. I did notice just recently that perhaps I will be the ''young mom'' in certain situations. My daughter is taking swimming lessons, and while the kids are all around her age, the moms are all much older than me. I always wanted to be a young mom, so it doesn't bother me but it surely would bother me to get comments like you have received. I'm sorry I don't have any advice but just wanted to let you know that there are other happy young moms out there!:) Cara

Congratulations on your baby! Just want to offer that it is easy to feel like a younger mom when living in the East Bay. I was 30 when my first child was born and even then I felt and looked young given that there are so many older parents in that part of the world. No judgment on older vs younger parents, just saying that if you leave the East Bay, you'll notice that the parents in most places are a lot younger. It's all a matter of perspective and surroundings! erin

I don't have any very useful advice, but I wanted to reassure you that even though I had my first at 30, I also had a terrible time in moms' groups and wondered why I was having such a hard time connecting with other moms. I have heard the same thing from so many of my friends. Maybe we're just a band of misfits, but I don't think so. I have been a mom for 9 years and now I have a nice group of mom friends and mostly feel comfortable in kid group settings. At least not terribly uncomfortable. I never got the kinds of comments you did (unbelievable!) but heard all kinds of other judgmental and annoying things (some equally unbelievable), as have most moms I think. Maybe it's because becoming a mother is a time of vulnerability and stress and sleep deprivation, so people are less kind than they should be? Who knows!? But don't let it get you down! I'm sure you'll find some awesome mamas out there soon who won't think twice about your age, but I know from experience that it can take quite a bit of time to find a group of moms that you really enjoy being around. -Give it time and try to make like teflon.

I know how you feel! I had my little girl at 24 and my son at 26. They're 3 and 1 1/2 now and I still don't have as many mom friends as I would like. But there is hope! There are folks out there who don't care about age, unfortunately there aren't really meeting for these folks. It just takes time. You'll go to the park and strike up a conversation with someone and things will click and you'll exchange info and hope you get some play dates. It's slow and lonely, but over time it'll get better. Oh, and none of my friends have kids (or are married for that matter) but they come around too. Some of my single friends even offer to watch my kiddos every now and then. Good luck! Rachel

So sorry to hear that people are being so crappy. It figures that in the ''liberal'' Bay Area, people are so judgmental of other people's choices. Those other Mamas are probably just jealous that they didn't have their lives together enough to start their family when they were younger.

I'm curious to know if you are actually in Berkeley proper or in a neighboring city. I ask because, although I am not a younger mom (I am 33), I found that people in Berkeley were a lot harder to connect with than people in neighboring cities. I moved to El Cerrito and am in Moms group here that seems more accepting and although most of us are closer my age, I think you would feel more welcome. Also, there are some women who have much older children so they started their families when they were closer to your age.

Feel free to PM me through the moderator if you want the info on this group. There are people who do not live in El Cerrito. Also, if you ever want to hang with someone who doesn't care how old you are feel free to give me a shout. I'm about to be out of town for an extended time (through the end of the year) but am around after that. Hang in there. Im sure you are a great Mom! A friendly Mama

I wish I had resources for you! I was looking for a Birth to Three group around here for you but can't seem to find one, maybe I'm missing it though. My mother and sister had kids starting at 24/25 and they are great moms, just as you sound like. I'm sorry you've been meeting moms who aren't as supportive. You sound mature and obviously love your son which is what counts most. Good luck and next time someone asks silly questions like that, you should ask them how they afford to have a kid being so old. Maybe they'll see how ridiculous a question it is. Moms rock no matter what age

i loved your post!!! as an older mom (first child at 38), i have to admit, i probably have been guilty of the things you mentioned (though i never would be so presumptuous as to say anything to someone's face.) i don't have specific advice for you about where to find the right people, but i did want to say that most of the older moms you are talking about are really just reflecting on their own immaturity or financial instability when they were your age. i definitely could not have managed having a child at that age because i was a mess back then. so perhaps when you get that judgmental vibe from someone, just try to remember that it's a projection of their own stuff.

i think if you just hold your ground (and by that, i mean, just keep going to those groups and participating in spite of the judgment), you'll find that as other moms get to know you a bit some of them will let go of the assumptions. the ones that don't will get weeded out of your inner circle as time goes on. and when someone says something like ''how do you afford it?'' just be confident and say ''the same way you do- i work.''

thanks for your post. i'll definitely remember it next time i hang out with a younger mom.... maia

Funny how our differences can make us feel bad. I was married at 22 and just yesterday two women told me at the same time, I was way too young to get married. Um, ladies, that's for me to decide. Well, now I'm a new mom too-nine years older than you- and I remember that in my twenties what people said to me really got under my skin. Now, not as much. I just laughed at those women and said to myself - you must not know me very well and why would you say that? I really don't think that those women were trying to hurt you. I know it's not fair to be categorized as a kid at 24, but it happens in other places too (like work). Maybe it really is more common for a lot of moms around here to be a bit older, but not exclusively. Perhaps you can look for a mom or two in your mid-twenties to meet up with if that helps you feel less isolated. Keep going to the mom's group though, they will eventually start to shed their biases. For now, I think you need to start self-validating yourself, not look to them for approval and just focus on being the wonderful mom you are. And when the older ones say something callous, you can just say something like, ''Right! Because I'm so incredibly young and fit, during delivery my baby just shot out of me in about an hour, I have absolutely no stretch marks and bounced back to my original weight in 1 month! And I have soooooooo much time to decide if I want another!''

Honestly I don't even know where to start except to say that I felt like you were writing about me!

My husband and I chose to have our first child when I was in law school at 23. He was 25. We wanted to be young parents and build our careers around the kids, not try to fit kids in later. Now in our late 30s we have a high school student and junior high student and are easily 10-15 years younger than most of their friends parents. I had no mom's group when either was little because I was treated exactly as you describe. In our birthing class for the first child no one spoke to us, we were treated like unwed teen parents. Even now it can be difficult to connect with other families at our children's grade level - most of the people our age have pre-school or kindergarten kids! We do have a lot of friends and I have to say the vast majority are people we have connected with based on our interests, not just through the kids, though there is some overlap. Being a part of other social organizations or even religious communities helps because it provides a broader group of people to draw from.

The fact is that it may well be financially harder to have kids young, but you can always respond with a nice retort like, ''well we all make choices based on what works best for us.'' Or one of my responses was always, ''babies don't really need a lot of fancy stuff.'' Remember also that when these people are sending kids off to college at 60+, you will be in your early 40s! Also - don't let anyone tell you that you don't know what you are doing as a parent because you are too young - you have exactly as much parenting experience as anyone else with a child the same age as yours - you just have less life baggage! Maggie

I was 28 when I had my son and I still feel like the youngest mom I meet, even now at 30. It just seems to be the case that most of the moms in the bay area wait until they are in their mid to late 30s before having kids.

There definitely are younger moms around, they probably just don't say their age to anyone (I think most other moms just think I look good for my age). I don't have any advice, except not to bring up your age, and if asked (I still can't believe people think it's okay to ask anyone their age once you're not a kid.) be vague. Then it's not an issue, or they're the jerk for making it an issue.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time finding your group of moms, but seriously, keep trying! There are accepting and young moms around, you just need to look in different places. I found a great group of moms through my neighborhood listserv, my neighbors happen to have a son the same age as my son, and a bunch of friends of friends have kids the same age. Somehow all of these different people have turned out to be great people to bond with over parenthood. We don't even talk about our ages, but there's a range from 26 to 42.

Also, have you read www.girlsgonechild.net ? She's a blogger who got unexpectedly pregnant at 23 - she now has several more children, but she wrote some great stuff about being a young mom in LA, where most moms were in their late 30s.

Hopefully you can find some mom/parent friends who you can bond with! Good luck! youngish mom

The woman who asked you how you and your husband could afford to have a child at the age of 24, was being rude! Having said that, as an older mom, I think you might be being a little defensive. While 24 is young for first-time moms by Berkeley standards, it is pretty standard for many parts of the country, including some communities in the Bay Area.

Why are you broadcasting your age, anyway? (Not that our ages are anything to be ashamed of, but I don't know the ages of many of my mom friends and acquaintances -- it just doesn't come up in conversation very often.)

I do know that when I meet a young mom, such as yourself, it's ME who feels self-conscious and defensive! I worry that it's youthful, fresh-loooking you that would be judgmental and find me old and out-of-touch and generally too un-hip to be your friend. Maybe some of these older moms feel similarly defensive?

I think you should let this go (minus the rude comments of course) and be open to being friends of new moms of all ages. Older mom who colors her hair!

Dear Young-ish, I experienced the same exact thing when I was your age. I turned 23 right after my first baby was born, and I was 26 when I had my second. I have always looked pretty young. At the time, I was married (to an older man), we had a house, and I was a stay-at-home mom. People would ask me if my daughter was my little sister. I would often hear, ''Wow, I couldn't have had a baby at your age!!'' People would shake their head at me and give me looks like I was a single teenage mom on welfare who didn't know any better. Luckily, I made friends with a wonderful woman who was also having her first baby. She is 14 years older than me and has been my best friend ever since.

Ironically, I turned 40 last year and gave birth to my third baby. Now I'm on the other side of it as an older mom. Most people I interact with are younger than me. Although you would probably rather hang out with moms closer to your age and also first time moms, I would like to ''pay it forward'' and offer my ''new mom'' companionship. What I realized when I read your post is that regardless of age, new moms are on a level playing field. Even though I have older kids, its been 14 years since I had a baby and there's a lot I don't remember. Please contact the moderator for my email if you would like to get together! new old mom

Ignore them. Don't let their attitudes bother you. I am an older mom, had my daughter at almost 37 YO. I see mothers like you every now and then, do a double take and wonder to myself about who these women are ONLY because I'm amazed to see someone so young who is mature enough to start a family--because at your age I acted like a college kid at best, was nowhere near mature or responsible enough to raise a child. To be honest, I'm a little (OK, a lot) jealous of women like you who start their families young, for all sorts of reasons: you have more energy, you can take your time to have additional children without worrying about that unforgiving biological clock, you'll still have many years ahead of you when your child graduates from college, you might get to enjoy grandchildren. I imagine the reactions you're getting are just disguised envy, and if you really are getting judgments, then their opinions aren't worth worrying about anyway (something you learn as you get older).

I want to say also I think you're giving your son a huge gift by having him young. My parents were your age when they had us and it is so nice to still have them be so vital - they have the health and the energy to do all sorts of things including travel and hike with us, help out with my daughter (and my sister's new baby). It's a gift I'm infinitely grateful for, and a child of older parents probably won't get to have this. You have my respect and admiration! late bloomer older mom

I have a group of moms (of all ages) that get together to support one another, walk together or for nights out without the babes. Our babies were born between February and June 2011. If you are interested in getting together, contact me and I'll connect you with the group. Lindie

Hi Young-ish mama,

Congratulations on the birth of your son! I'm sorry to hear that you've had some less than supportive experiences with other moms regarding your age. I'd love to have you attend the new moms' support group that I facilitate at Banana's in Oakland. My next series starts the first Tuesday in November (and runs for three weeks). We meet from 10:30 - noon. Moms of all ages are welcome and encouraged to attend.

Please find more information (and to register for the group) on the Bananas website (www.bananasinc.org). You can also get more information about my group and the other services that I offer as a New Parent Coach on my website (www.newparentcoach.com). I hope to meet you and your son soon. Shauna

That sucks. Sounds like they are possibly projecting their issues onto you. Maybe a change of scene is needed or an expansion. I understand both sides. I had my first at 26yo, second 17months later.

I am now 31 with two close groups of friends my age; one WITH, one WITHOUT kids.

WITHOUT are stressing about having only 5 or so years left of ideal baby carrying. We all have degrees, some nurses, one even an OBGYN/L Nrs Pract. All raised American, independent, strong-willed, and most are 1st generation (from around the world). We were raised to get an education, career, and somehow figure out a family. In contrast to our parents: my mom was raised to be a mother & a wife. Our parents strove to provide opportunity/choices. But is this better?

WITH are Muslim. Raised American, some 1st generation, all varying ethnicities. We met before our kids existed and there was never a plan although our eldest kids were born the same year, with myself leading the second round. I don't believe either one is BETTER. It is a personal choice. I'm very thankful to have 'gotten my kids out of the way'. I'm not stressing about settling down and producing a kid or two on a deadline. I also knew I didn't want to be an old parent; calculating the oldest I would be comfortable being when my kids are 18-21yo. But that's me. I'm friends with older moms, too, who respect my parenting, regardless of age. Just because one person didn't feel prepared/capable to have a child is no reflection of you!

Should every aspect of your life be planned. Does it really work out that way? Is a person bad if they didn't share your plan?

Sometimes religious/philosophical/cultural paradigms shape our views to the extreme - when we not only live our lives by them, but judge others against them. If you're having difficulty clicking with your neighborhood, try a different approach. Make a commitment to attend ONE parent & kid interest group meeting/playgroup. A nurturing connection is worth driving to. If age seems to be the great divide in your 'hood, scope out different ethnic/cultural groups at the playground, talk to moms at the supermarket who are under 35-40. There's usually more in common than one would think. I don't get along with everyone, but have found most moms to be happy to interact. Make an effort to connect with moms who are approachable about ANYTHING (don't worry too much about seeming creepy/desperate/neglected). After practicing, you'll be able to radar a possible connection.

What about participating in something social for yourself, where you can build friendships based on YOU? (My whole family benefits from this!) That's potentially kid-friendly, but not kid-oriented? Best of Luck! malama pono na keiki

I know how you feel. My husband and I were 25 when we had our first son (we are now 27 and on baby #2). We both have college degrees (the hubbs is a PhD) but people here tend to think we are SUPER young. I know how frustrating it can be. I wanted to invite you to a moms group we are starting. We are having our first meeting on Tuesday Oct. 25th at 9! It will be held at 1221 Marin in Albany! We have some great women who will be there. If you can't make it to that, feel free to contact me and I would love to hang out sometime! Melany

I want to hug you! I can 150% relate to your post! I got married the summer I turned 23 to my husband, a PhD student at UC Berkeley. We also had an unplanned but very welcome pregnancy quite shortly thereafter. Like you, I was 24 when my son was born. This is actually a very normal age to have a first child in many places in the States. I come from the East Coast where it is very normal- my own mother was married with 2 kids by age 24. When she would visit me and we'd go to baby venues in the bay area she would be astonished by how old all the moms were. She'd say ''oh my gosh that woman is MY age with a baby!'' And I'd be like ''yep... that's Berkeley.'' I too tried some mother's groups but found it impossible to fit in with a bunch of 40 yr old first time moms. We were at different places.. and I hated feeling that they viewed me as some kind of teen mom or something- as if I had been irresponsible. The reality is: I had a baby at the age my body was most capable of supporting a healthy pregnancy and birth. I will not be in a nursing home when my grandchild is born. I will have energy to parent through the years and that's a huge advantage. -I don't have anything against older parents- but it has its negatives, just as younger parenting has its own pros and cons, and I hate this snide attitude from some of the culture of older Bay Area parents.

I felt very isolated as a new mom in Berkeley. Currently I am 26 and mom of two now (second baby was planned). I never did find other moms my age to connect with in the Bay Area, and a month ago my husband finished his PhD and we moved back to the East Coast for a job close to my parents. I have been kind of in shock since arriving- nearly all the moms I meet are my age! I have made several friends already. It's been nice.

I don't know what to advise if you plan to stay in the Bay Area in terms of meeting other moms and playmates for your child. But I can highly recommend an online forum I joined when my son was 6 months old to combat the isolation I felt. While the site is geared at supporting teen moms, there is a strong community of young but NOT teen moms there as well. In fact, most the moms on the site are in their mid 20s. It has been a life saver for me and I made lasting friendships there. The site is http://www.youngmommies.com/ymboards/index.php

Also feel free to request my email from the mods if you'd like to talk. Been there

Ha, did I just go back in time 7 years and wrote your post? My situation was identical to yours in many ways (although it was a deliberate choice for me to have my first kid at 24): college educated, successful career, etc., etc. And yes, all mothers I've met were 8-15 years older than me. As a result, it's always been hard to connect with other parents, be it at a playground or in my kids' schools (I have two now) and I am absolutely certain it's due to the age difference. I remember when I turned 30, some sensitive specimen said as a joke: ''Now you can legally have children''. Obviously, today this continues to be an issue as parents of my son's peers are still 8-15 years older than me and he is still a ''kid with a young mother''. But it's definitely not as bad as it used to be - the diference between 25 and 35 seems to be far greater than the one between 35 and 45. Over the years I've developed a close friendship with one mom (who is 10 years my senior, but neither one of us remembers that), but it takes time. Other than that, I make an effort (which is all I can control in this situation) to maintain superficial friendships with many parents for my son's sake, so he can have playdates with his friends, etc. and I have enough childless friends of my age to fulfill my own needs. Not ideal, but what can you do... Wish my old 24-year-old self could hang out with you

Hi Youngish mom! I'm also young mom (turning 24 next month). I have a one year old daughter and I am also looking for younger mom's to get together with. (I have also felt the judgement about being a ''young'' mom). So maybe we should get together! Good luck! -D

Hello - I am 40 now, 1st kid at 34 and 2nd on the way. I wanted to send you a virutal hug right away when I read your post because I know the kind of insensitivity people can show new moms, especially younger moms.

You have gotten a lot of great responses so far. Most of which were spot on. I agree the negative comments you are getting are from folks projecting their own insecurities.

The only bit of advice I (partially) disagree with is to stick with your moms groups because people will bring their guard down/get to know you better/ etc. They may or may not. Mom's groups come in all flavors and varieties. Run in the opposite direction if it is clear you are not clicking with these mamas. There will be other opportunities and other groups. I was in a new mom's group when my son was just born and I realized the only thing we had in common was our kids were born within a few months of each other. We had extremely varying viewpoints on a whole host of parenting topics. I was really uncomfortable for a while until my mom suggested it would be ok for me to stop going.

In your post you said you have already been to several moms groups. My advice to you is to keep looking until you find the Mamas who appreciate you and your point of view. If you haven't tried them yet and are interested, LaLeche is great for nursing moms. or you may have better luck starting with one other mom and building from there. I don't know why, but as another person said, it takes a while. Good luck and know you have a lot of folks rooting for you! 40ish Mom

Honestly I have not attempted any mom support groups, however I can definitely relate. I'm 23 turning 24 next month with a 7 week old. While pregnant I just had this feeling like '' I know I'm 23 but I feel like a teen mom'' I was really aware of this feeling but not sure where it was coming from.

Currently with all these advances in fertility treatments, older women are able to get pregnant. Also here in the bay area there a lot ''professional'' women who wait later in life to have kids. So it seems like we are the exception and not the rule. I am confident that with all the love I have for my son, he will be well taken care of. I think there is so much superficiality and competitiveness that anything other than ''normal'' is looked down upon.

Sorry I can't offer you a specific group. But hopefully I'm not telling you anything new, you love your baby, your husband loves you and your baby and you'll do anything to give him the best so he'll do great and so will you. Lupe

Well, my first thought was, why not start your own moms' group? Post something here on BPN looking for other moms in their 20's, and you will undoubtedly find some. You are a rarity but not alone!

Second, I would suggest that insofar as you are able, you should hear these other moms' comments as reflections on their own lives, not yours. When someone says, How can you afford kids at your age, she is really saying, I could not have afforded kids at your age (because I was sleeping on a futon in a flophouse with 6 roommates while screwing Mr. Wrong and waiting for someone to tell me what to do with my life). As a mom who had my first at 35, I imagine that most of the judgment you are hearing is due to these women being thoughtless, not malicious or consciously judgmental. Some of it might even be other moms' awkward way of expressing admiration or envy. I doubt very much that anyone actually thinks your child is suffering b/c of your age! That's nuts. And anyone who would actually think that wouldn't be worth having as a friend anyway. Maybe you could practice some gentle ways of directing these women's attention to their insensitivity by re-directing the conversation back to them. So when someone says, how do you afford kids at your age, you say, my husband and I haven't found it that hard. Why? What was it like for you at this age? And who knows? Maybe someone out there will surprise you by confiding in you about her sordid, difficult past and a friendship will be born. Honestly, I believe that new moms have so much in common just based on being moms. Focus on that and don't give up. It is WORTH IT to find mom friends who really work for you - my mom friends are absolutely my sanity, and it has been well worth going out of my way to get to know them (and also well worth putting up with weird crap from moms I didn't click with. That judgmental stuff can happen to anyone of any age...)

Finally, if the age discussions are really just causing you a lot of pain, go out of your way to avoid them. My mom was a SAHM in the 70's who also happened to have a Ph.D. in chemistry. She found out very quickly that as soon as other moms found out she had a Ph.D. they stopped being her friend. So she actively hid her education and her brainy side. I remember being horrified as a feminist teenager when she told me that. But she didn't (doesn't) regret it. It was too important to her not to go through motherhood alone and without friends. And honestly, when she got to know a person really well, they didn't care anymore that she's a total brainiac. Good luck finding your niche. And thanks for posting. I will be more careful in the ways I admire young moms in future. an older mommy

I had my first child at age 30 so while I'm not in your shoes, I do have a solution for you. Make Mormon mommy friends. I am not kidding. When my twins were in kindergarten they befriended another set of twins. Their family is Mormon and the mom has 4 sisters. I've become close friends with the mom and friendly with the sisters and their families. Most Mormons start their families young -- my friend had her first at 25 -- and they are so much fun! They are welcoming, there are always a zillion cousins or friends around and I just don't see them on Sundays. In fact, we spent 4 July with their extended clan this year. Huge BBQ, softball tournament, swimming. I work FT and most Mormon mommies don't but this doesn't seem to bother them -- their husband work a lot and we have dinner together at least one a week while the kids run around. My kids are 9, 9 and 13 now. And as an upside, they know tons of people and always have a sitter to refer. Of course my 13 year old now babysits for them, too. Good luck to you! Another Mommy

I know you already have received many responses to your post, but I feel a need to chime in! I was also a young mother (27 years old, gasp!), and also felt at a loss amongst the other new mothers. Though my husband was more the age of what seemed like most first time mothers in Berkeley (39), I still felt I was in such a different place than them all. A ''young'' mother by choice (though people always assume it was an unplanned pregnancy, being sooo young of course), a new graduate student (poor student income), most of my friends still single or without children yet.... yes I felt out of touch and very isolated.

A lot of that changed when I decided to move past my own insecurities, and tried to find things that I DID have in common with the older mothers. There were things I couldn't talk about (discussing how easy it was for you to get pregnant is not always the best topic when in the company of older moms), and discussions I couldn't partake in (older moms DO tend to have more financial stability, so I often was left out of those housekeeper versus mother helper discussions), but there was plenty in between. My true friendships didn't form with the other moms until my son started preschool. That gives you a LOT in common, and it was easy enough to find the more laid back and fun moms in the bunch. Yes, it is annoying to be mistaken for the nanny. But it must also be annoying to be mistaken for the grandmother. Good luck! Young Mom-- Only in the Bay!

Someone wrote last week ''When someone says, How can you afford kids at your age, she is really saying, I could not have afforded kids at your age (because I was sleeping on a futon in a flophouse with 6 roommates while screwing Mr. Wrong and waiting for someone to tell me what to do with my life). '' This made me laugh out loud, and think ''have you been spying on me my whole life ?!?'' :-}

I had mine ... after my third decade, not becasue I was excelling in a competative professional life, but b/c it took me that long to get it together. I'm a bit of a procrastinator. So, please give yourself a high five for being a self aware and together young mother. I bet you have a loads more energy and a many fewer aches than I do. anon

Being a young mom is hard in the bay area!

June 2009

Hey everyone! I looked in the archives to see if there was some magical place that young moms hang out or something but all I found was an article from a person who has a similar problem as me dated 2003... Basically I graduated from art school last year... Absolutely none of my friends out here are even remotely thinking about having children.... And they have also slowly stopped hanging out with me regularly assuming that I won't be able to hang out anyway (annoying)... So basically I am posting this to find either young moms/dads (or moms/dads who don't mind that I'm only 25) who have a child or children about the same age as my child (Quin is 2). I would prefer parents who are open minded, radical, liberal, with perhaps a little dash of anarchy (in a good way)

Perhaps you refer to your child according to their sex but don't necessarily believe that constitutes their gender... Preferably you believe that kids that identify as boys can still be princesses and that little girls can be kings. We are free to chill all day long from sun up until Quin's papa gets home at 4:30 so get a hold of us! Quin (and I) need family fun friends! stefanie

Dear Friend- I know EXACTLY how you feel. I had all three of my kids by 25. Thank God I did because I had a hidden condition which would have made any later pregnancy only a dream (radical hysterectomy at 35) But I do know you can feel isolated. Here's the deal. I live in Berkeley and I am now a grannie so I take my sweetie down to Willard Park's tot lot. OMG!!! LOTS of young parents...seem very progressive...and lots of nannies, etc. But what I really noticed (aside from all the obvious international UC grad students with kids) was there seemed to be a group of young moms that were having a neat picnic together on a regular basis. If there are any other BPN members out there who belong to this or a similar group. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let this dear young mom know how to hook up with you. In the meantime, try any local tot lot, although I've heard people say they drive in from Emeryville and Oakland to use the Willard Park one. It's just above Telegraph Ave. above Willard Middle School. Good luck and bless you! Susan

Age difference with other parents

May 2008

My husband and I are both in our late twenties and are the parents of two little boys. Although we certainly aren't just out of high school, we have noticed that we are on the younger side of parents in the Bay Area. In the mothers groups and playgroups that I have attended, I have been the youngest mom there. In many senses, my husband and I have a great deal more in common with people older than us than many of our friends from college, who are just now thinking of getting married but can't fathom the idea of children. However, we have both noticed that the age difference seems to be a bigger deal to some people than we think it is.

We have both gotten our share of ''When I was your age'' and ''I choose to have kids after I had a chance to really experience life, travel, etc...'' type of comments, which frankly, start to feel condescending. I got along well with one other mom, but it soon became obvious through words (about how we weren't even born in the 70s, etc...) and body language that her husband was NOT EXCITED about getting together with us. It's frustrating to feel dismissed like that. We are educated professionals who are interested in politics and the arts. We have plenty of friends from school and work, so we don't think that we are abhorent people. We don't dress (or act) like teenagers. The age thing doesn't matter to us at all, but we are having problems bridging the distance. Are there things we should be doing or saying to help connect? We know that it will take time and we may have just been meeting the wrong people, but would like advice because it is lonely not having other friends with kids. wondering

I'm sorry this is happening to you. I am definitely on the older end of the spectrum, and I admit I've made comments like ''I was probably there before you were'' and the like (referring to a common school we attended, just to stave off the questions about what year and so on, since I'm sure there was no overlap and I'm not interested in revealing my age). I can tell you this is 100% because of my own insecurity with being so much on the older end. Actually I personally am fine with it, but I think the people around me must be looking at me and thinking how much older I am, so I just go ahead and admit it up front while not giving the details of exact years and dates. I will take this as a lesson to be careful what I say! I have never ever meant such a comment in a condescending way. Furthermore, in terms of who are my friends and who I get together with, I would never be exclusive in the way you suggest is happening. Yes I chose people carefully, by common interest, common parenting style, etc. Having kids the same age is a huge bonding factor right now. I think people here are overall pretty open. My advice would be to ignore the comments that you think are condescending since they may not be intended that way, and keep looking. Old, with friends of all ages

Oh, my goodnesss! I don't have any concrete advice, but wanted to tell you that I feel your pain. Back home, where hubby and I are from, we're in no way different age-wise than other parents. But here in the bay area, we're babies! I'm 27 and he's 29. We have 2 and one on the way... this is the life we chose for a reason. We prefer to front-load the kiddos, so we can enjoy our golden years in peace and quiet! It's a little hard, though, feeling out of the loop with other parents, as well as out of the loop with our single friends our age. Luckily, we live with a whole bunch of other graduate student families, so regardless of age, we have that in common. I'd offer one piece of advice, though: all of your friends DO NOT have to be parents. Focus on the friends you have, and one day you'll find your young kindred spirits! Most of our good friends with kids are international... where the average age for being a parent is younger.

Come hang out in family student housing with us! Feeling like Juno

I had the exact same experience when my daughter was born (in my late 20s) just a few years ago. It was funny how even a little 5 year age difference was exaggerated by some other parents as if the difference between 24 and 29 was somehow larger than the difference between 29 and 34. As if you had to be over 30 to be the right age to avoid the comments. It was annoying initially, isolating at times, and I did feel like it was condescending at times. But I guess I was so hungry for a connection with other parents I tried to let it go and be understanding. I guess my only advice is to stick it out and try not to take it personally. All parents of all different ages, incomes, etc., are working out their own identity issues as we adapt to new parent roles and I guess I just decided they were trying to reconcile their choices with mine. The age comments might be seen as an opportunity to be open with them and connect by comparing experiences or to be a good listener for them. I am happy to say my partner and I made it through the rough patch of getting to know other parents. It seems like when getting to know someone initially it is just comparing and contrasting surface things like age or occupation. There are often a lot of initial barriers to friendships between people who seem different on the surface (age, income, skin color, culture, whatever) and when we stick it out (acknowledging not ignoring the differences) we find out how much we have in common and can offer each other. Somehow we ended up making lasting and deep friendships with some of the parents who were a good decade or so older. When they got to know us, the age mattered a lot less. Good luck! A wonderful friend to have.

Sorry this is happening to you. Do you belong to a church or temple? If not, this might be a good place for you to meet other, younger parents. I had my kids older than you but have become friendly with some elementary school moms who are quite young -- they's mostly Mormon. And they're fun, devoted parents who went to college and are interested in lots of things. I really enjoy them even though I'm not Mormon. (I am pretty committed my my religion and that doesn't seem to bother them.) Keep looking!

You are right -- being a young parent around here puts you in the minority, and it's hard not to feel like an outsider when you're in the minority. You have to work twice as hard as everyone else just to be friendly, because you have to overlook stuff sometimes.

I just want to reassure you that it isn't about you, or your age, or your choices; it's about the need people have to feel they are a part of a group of people who are like them. Even in our tolerant Bay Area, people have this need. It is often so hard for us humans to relate to someone who is ''different'' and to look beyond age, nationality, gender, race, etc. because of that strong need to be running with the pack.

I can sort of relate because I'm at the other extreme - I'm 55 with a 7-year-old. Talk about an age difference - I'm 10-20 years older than most other parents with kids my son's age. When I am with other parents of 7-year-olds, and I talk about my older kids (I also had kids in my 20s, so they are in their 20's now), people seem uncomfortable. To me, parenting 20-somethings is a fascinating topic! Of course it is not very fascinating to someone whose oldest is 7. You noticed condescending comments from people who had their babies later. I hear comments about how it's selfish or even morally wrong to have young children when you're my age. OK, I'm out of the mainstream. But I'm still a mom doing the best I can, making mistakes sometimes, just like every other mom. And I am always flattered when a young parent feels like they have something in common with me and wants to relate to me as a fellow parent instead of an old fogie. I am really lucky to have friends who are in their 30's and 40's and I get a lot out of those relationships. I also greatly enjoy hanging with my friends who are my same age - it's very relaxing. Yes, I have heard my friends in their 40's say to our younger friends ''Oh I forgot, you were just a baby then!''. I think if you called them on it, they would be surprised that it was taken as a slight. In truth, I suspect they are trying to make themselves feel better about being older and also affirming to themselves that they are in the majority, in the pack. It's not about you. I know it is not so easy to ignore this, but it is a strength if you can. And if you can't, well, there are lots of people out here who don't give a hoot how old you are! Aged Mom

I've been thinking about writing a post very similar to yours for some time now, just never got to it. I am in almost the same situation (late twenties, educated professional, have two boys) with one exception - my husband is older, although not in spirit (in that regard, we are the same age). I always seem to be the youngest mom everywhere I go - playgrounds, our day care, etc. And like you, I often receive comments that range from: "I can't believe you already have two kids, you are so young" to "Were your kids planned" to "So you are turning 28, I guess you can now legally have children". Well, obviously the latter was an unsuccessful attempt at humor. I also feel like I am having a harder time that I should to connect with other local parents. I personally could care less about the age, but for some reason it seems to be a bigger deal to others. Most of my close friends who live nearby don't have kids yet, and those that do just happen to live all over the world. In any case, feel free to shoot me an email. If you live in the East Bay, maybe we can start a play group for our kids, see what happens. Anna

Sorry that you are having to deal with this. I am an almost 40 yo mom with 2 young kids, and I am one of the ''younger'' moms on my Berkeley street. So, yes, there are many older parents here. My husband and I are quite ''young at heart'' though and love younger friends (as well as older ones). So-there are plenty of folks out there that I imagine would be happy to be friends with you. It is sad that age can be a barrier. Perhaps some older parents might even feel that you are so young and hip that you might not be interested in being friends with them. A good friend of mine that is older, told me that she thought that of me, before we got to know each other. Maybe you could be so bold as to make the first move/start up the conversation? What do you really have to lose? Be yourself and don't take it personally. It can be hard to make new friends for anybody. Good luck! anon

I was in a mother's group when my daughter was a baby and I was by far the youngest person (age 28) in the group. I did not feel the age difference mattered at all since the focal point around our get togethers was pretty much about the kids, how we were coping with the kids and different kid related problems. Keep positive and it will all work out.... younger mom too

Maybe you just aren't meeting the right people? How old are your boys and where do you live? I'm in the Piedmont area, I have two boys, ages 3.5 years and 15 months. I'm always looking for new mom friends. Drop me a line if you'd like to meet! kukana

Your note could have been written by friends of ours. We have a 3-year-old (I'm 45 and he's over 50) and we are friends with a couple who are both around 30 who also have a 3-year-old. We focus on what we have in common - the kids, obviously, but also music and politics. Also we are both homeowners, so we talk about house problems too. Our kids (both boys) get along great, and that's the most important thing. Occasionally certain events will come up in discussion which are age-related, but we laugh about them and go on. I would continue to talk to parents that you meet at the park or other events, and you will eventually find parents who will be friendly. I would also post a note to BPN and to Craigs List looking to form a playgroup or something similar with other families who have children around your age. Drop me a line and I will be happy to chat. Lori

My husband and I just turned 30 and are expecting our second child now. We've definitely experienced some of the same things that you're describing. We used to live in an area where we felt isolated for NOT having children. And then we moved here where, suddenly, we were the youngest parents in the pool. It can be a frustrating experience, for sure.

I find that the most important thing to remember is that parenting is a skill that you develop as your child grows. Picking it up when you're 35 is really different from picking it up when you're 25--Just as learning to run a marathon might be. Your body, mind and soul are really in a different place. As a result, some things are easier and some are harder. Often when I'm feeling condescension creeping out of a friend's mouth, it seems to be coupled with fatigue or frustration. It is a cheap shot that gets delivered when a person intends to ask for help or express some feeling of inadequacy. I try to remain sympathetic and ignore the comparisons.

We have found that age differences don't seem to matter as much when we have other things in common with the people we're trying to connect with. For instance, we met up with a single mom who is about 10 years older than both of us. Our kids got along but we didn't really start to hang out and connect until we realized that we were both in the same field and could ''talk shop'' while on outings together. Perhaps meeting people through a civic organization, volunteer group, outdoor appreciation society, etc. might be more useful?

When you build a relationship with a person because they happen to be a person you enjoy seeing (who happens to have a kid that your kid likes), it also becomes easier to set boundaries about insensitive remarks. Best of luck to you... there are more of us Young Ones in the area and I hope we run into each other! Another Young One

Try not to take it seriously. Older parents are sometimes unsure about how to see themselves around much younger parents. You could easily be my daughter, if I were born in another time and place, but our children may be the same ages. Sorry, but I have undoubtedly said things like ''you weren't even born in the 70s.'' It's NOT a criticism of you. It's really that this just doesn't make sense to me. I'm even embarrassed about it, and if I say something like that, it's because I'm trying to make light of the fact that when I was pregnant, the books about ''older moms'' were about women 5-10 years younger than me. This society is actually harder on the much-older parents than it is on the slightly-young parents. As though we're freaks or child molesters for wanting our own child after our own parents gave up on us. A 20-something parent probably went through none of the heartache that us older folks went through trying to get pregnant, and it's... unsettling. I could be your kids' gramma. I get along fine with younger parents (most of my parent friends are MUCH younger than me), though it is possible that I don't have as much in common with younger parents (do you tend to pee when you jump? Do your joints ache? having trouble losing the weight? probably not). I've also been working for 30-something years, and I've may have a different perspective on kids--I am SOOO grateful for my child, almost 100% of the time--and I've had my career for longer than you've been living. I'm not passing judgment on you, but I may be different. I don't have financial worries; I have no prospects of 2 kids. Some people will pass judgment on you, but that's true no matter what the issue (your age, your clothes, your hair, whatever), but that's not your fault nor do you want to hang with them. Look at the bright side: NOBODY is going to ask you about your ''grandkids'' who happen to be your children. And you'll want to slap me for this, but when you get a little older, those who pass judgment on you won't bother you so much. We all want to fit in, but we are who we are, and we feel insecure our differences. I'm sure you look better than me and you'll be able to take care of your actual grandkids for longer than I will be able (and I've got my strengths too, some of them based on my age). Look for people who you feel comfortable with and don't sweat the age comments. (I bet your parents didn't tell you that you were too old for kids!)

At my kids' first elementary school, I was 5 to 10 years younger than most of the parents. It was just a weird demographic because I'm not a particularly young mom (had my kids at 31 and 35). I do look about 5 years younger than I am, so I was a recipient of the treatment you describe. It just sucks. I don't know what to say, other than it does get better. I actually had moms who found out that I was older than they thought start treating me better! As if that isn't almost a worst insult. Like I'd want to be friends with people like that!

Anyway, here's how I rode it out, and I hope it happens for you. Your kids will start elementary school, and hopefully you'll find a way to be involved, even if you work full time. Over time, at the school and through other activities, you'll meet a handful of cool parents that you'll click with. Even if you're still the youngest, you'll be a more experienced parent, and you'll have been in the community long enough that people will forget about your age. Or some will. And screw those that can't get over it. Basically, your youth makes them insecure for some reason. Hang in there. I bet in time it will get better.

And best of all: by the time you're in your mid to late 40s, you're kids will be grown, and you and your husband can play, play, play while you're still young!

My husband and I were married right after college and chose to have our first child while I was in law school. We are now in our mid-thirties with kids 10 and 7 (about to be 11 and 8) and most of our children's friends have parents in their mid-forties to mid-fifties. I understand your frustration and the challenge on connecting and also feel like we have faced significant ''discrimination'' because of our age. I have met many parents who assume I must be the nanny, or who simply do not engage with us because we are at such different places in careers, life, etc... It can be extremely frustrating and does often leave us feeling isolated, as well as having to explain to our kids that because we are at a different place in our life we can not spend the summer in Europe or the winter in Costa Rica. Frankly I do not think there is anything you can do to connect with people who are not interested in expanding their circles of friendship, though we do have some wonderful friends of all ages. You just have to be patient, get involved in the things that interest you and be willing to tolerate the judgment of those less understanding of people making different life-choices. Young Parent Too

I'm coming from the other side of this equation and I want you to know it's NOT about you! I'm the old lady who barely squeaked out a kid under the wire. It's because I wasn't together enough personally or developmentally to do what you have done by having kids at a reasonable age. So when I seem uptight around you it's because I feel my age and feel uncomfortable about the fact I couldn't get my act together like you have. People who feel bad about themselves get defensive and say the wrong things. They aren't uncomfortable with you- they are projecting discomfort with themselves. We're all worried if we'll be able to ever retire and educate our kids. We're keeping our fingers crossed we'll live long enough to be grandparents. You did the ideal thing. I did not, but I'm glad I got one out at the 11th hour.

Almost every older parent I know wishes he/she had taken the plunge at least a decade sooner than he/she did. Sad fact is we were so developmentally arrested, we didn't have the courage and maturity to do it at your age. Yes, I got a Ph.D and worked, but I did so because I was too screwed up to actually find a mate, settle down and have kids.

Bottom line is that we see our own shortcomings when compared against you.

So don't take it personally and keep looking around. There are more moms your age than you think Also, some old ladies like me are cool and acknowledge feeling stupid for waiting so long and won't take it out on you. Just don't stare too long or hard at my wrinkles!

Jennifer

While I was not a parent in my twenties, I can just imagine your predicament. (I had my kids at 30/33 and really thought I waited...not so around here!) Sometimes I felt like I was the youngest one at the park, and regardless of age, I seemed to always have younger interests (i.e. music, personal style). Anyway, I think there are probably a couple things going on.

First, from now on I would avoid mentioning your age if you can. I believe that those condescending comments you are hearing are more about the other moms' issues with aging. To be your peer and be so much older is probably making them self-conscious. To overcome that they are (probably/hopefully subconsciously) putting you down. Before you get there, try to focus your conversations on the things you have in common which at the very least is probably your kids.

I think comments like ''When I was your age'' can be neutral if someone is putting a story into context. I would let those slide if they are using it that way and if not, you might make a simple statement about your own choices (i.e. why you chose to be younger parents.) My personal style would be to weave it into another conversation somehow, but I think it is totally fair that you articulate your feelings.

I'm not sure I've been helpful, but good luck and keep trying! Elizabeth

There are plenty of younger (though I should really say ''traditional'' aged) parents around town. What are you doing to meet other parents? Do you go to parks and whatnot? I've found that it's fairly easy to talk to other parents, regardless of age, when my kid is playing with their kid in the sand or dirt or whatnot.

Condescending comments are surely annoying, but you don't really want those people around anyhow. Who cares if they own a huge home and traveled to Timbuktu and back? I surely don't. Age isn't a predictor of your ability to parent or your desirability as a human being. I'm in my twenties and have mama friends both younger and older than me, and I'm better for it. my kid doesn't care how old I am

You sound exactly like me and my husband. I got pregnant with my first child at 24 and my second at 26. The first was not exactly planned but welcomed once I got over the shock. I was a good 10 years younger than all the mothers in the mom's group I attended and I dealt with a lot of unintentional (and in some cases intentional) condescension. It was isolating, fortunately I found some people that I could form close relationships with regardless of age, and these women continue to be my close friends. All I can say is that when you meet people you really connect with, age doesn't matter. I'm not sure how old your kids are, mine are 7 and 5 now, and I find the age gap widening between me and the other parents as we enter elementary school. But that's part of living here I guess, I'm glad I had mine young, I can already see how much I can share with my kids as far as interests and time and stamina! Feel free to email me, I'm always searching for other parents my age... amber

I couldn't resist a response to the parent age difference post. I'm getting myself packed to go to my youngest child's college graduation. My husband and I started our family young, we lived in an alternative community and everyone was having babies. It was fun. Then my husband finished school, became a Dr. and suddenly, we moved literally and figuratively into a different world. In his professional world it seemed like years before his peers were ''ready'' to have families. We had our share of comments,I sometimes felt that my choice of having babies young was somehow threatening to women who had chosen to postpone child bearing. We have always been the youngest parents in the class, sometimes it was a little weird but mostly we just rolled with it and laughed it off. I always felt it was a good choice. The reason I was inspired to write is that both of our children on many occasions have said how glad they are that we are young. It was a journey we did together, as adults we weren't too well formed when the kids came and we all grew up together. The best part is we are in our early fifties our kids are done with college and we, hopefully, still have a long and active life with each other. Maybe if we are really lucky we will still be young when we get to enjoy some grandchildren. Older young mom

If an older parent tries to berate you for having a child before the age of 30, just point out the fact that fathers under 30 are less likely to give their children autism, schizophrenia, and Down's syndrome, and you feel it is more important to give a child the gift of good health than to spend a year touring Europe. Not only can you spend a year in Europe later, when you have more money, but even better, you won't need to spend your life spreading misinformation about your child's autism being caused by vaccinations. Sensible

I think that part of your frustration goes with the territory of being 28'ish. I remember that age frame pretty well. I was well beyond college. I had just purchased my second home. I had a very responsible/professional job. By many standards, I was an 'adult.' But, I never felt like the older generation (those 35 and older) were giving me the respect that I deserved as an 'adult.' Now that I am rapidly approaching 40, I have a better understanding of where the older folks were coming from... There really is some truth to the saying, 'with age comes wisdom.' There really is a difference between 28 and 38 vis a vis life experiences.

That said, I don't choose my friends based on age. My closest friends are both five years my senior -- their children are the same ages as mine. In the last town I lived, my closest friends were eight and ten years my junior -- again, their children were the same ages as mine. With my 'old' friends and my 'young' friends, our friendships were based on MUCH more than just the shared ages of our children. With my 'young' friends, the question of 'how we chose to spend our twenties' was definitely discussed. They had a certain amount of envy for the things that I had experienced during that decade. I was by no means trying to be condescending. As is the nature of friendships, you talk about the experiences in your life. I certainly wouldn't trade my choices for my younger friends' choices, but deep down, I don't think that they would trade their choices for mine. That is what makes the world interesting right? Different choices.

I know that this isn't much help now, but there is light at the other end of the tunnel. I have found that when you hit that point in your life when you are closer to fifty than to your senior prom (34'ish), age seems to matter a heck of a lot less -- you are finally viewed by everyone as a bona fide 'adult.' You'll read less into what people are saying -- it is a great generalization, but that seems to be the age that most people are also genuinely comfortable in their own skins.

Don't change a thing. Don't try too hard. Friendships will come. -when I was your age...

I would like to offer a different perspective than your other responses suggest. I have a child that was born when I was 34. I think I was caught between 2 generations, the first of which that was the norm to have kids in their late 20's/early 30's (my sister 10 years my senior had her kids when she was 30/31 - late by her standards) & the second that is what you are witnessing, moms having babies later... late 30's early 40's & beyond! When I was in college, in the late 80's, the message that was drilled into women's minds was ''You can have it all!'' Remember ladies? We were told we could wait. We could do whatever men could do. Family, career, the whole kit and kaboodle. Oops! The fact that a woman's chances of getting pregnant start to substantially decrease beginning at age 27 (yes, 27!) was never mentioned... I hope you can see the point I am getting at here....

I considered myself on the cusp of having a child late... most of my friends had already had kids. But life happens (& I don't mean career building) & I probably would have had kids sooner (& more than 1) if my parents (who had me at 42 & 49) hadn't died when I was 28(Dad) & 29(Mom). I spent that year dealing with my grieving mother who then died of cancer & then their estate. I then spent the next couple of years of grieving myself over their loss and the loss of my family unit. Why do I bring this up? B/c someone commented that they have heard comments that it's selfish to have children late in life...yes it is! Look what my parents put me through! BUT, IMHO, it's selfish to have children at any age (we are not asking them if they want to come into this world, after all) but I would certainly say there's a degree to selfishness at what point people opt to bring a child into the world and under what circumstances... again, we don't always get to choose...

I do fear that this current generation of babies being born will not only miss out on multi-generational family experiences (since my parents were older, the only grandmother I knew was not much fun for me in her 80's and 90's when I was a child) but will end up parentless in their primes as well. It's not any fun. Especially when you are trying to raise a family of your own & you have no one to turn to for guidance.

So, I would say to you, when you hear comments or feel condescended to, take comfort in the fact that you will be around to enjoy your children & your children's children & move on! Seen both sides

Bay Area young-ish mom blues

Feb 2005

as a 32-y.o. mom with a 7 and a 4 year old, I know I'm not extremely young, but feel lately a bit out of sorts with other bay area families that I know, all of whom are older. Many who did not previously realize my age seem subtly judgemental when they hear it, and I end up feeling a little ashamed, as if having had my first child at the end of grad school here is the equivalent of having ''accidentally'' had kids in high school somewhere else; and mostly as if my conscious choices were not politically enlightened (i.e. stay at home, undeveloped career on hold.) I do not have regrets about my choices just am feeling a bit out of place and think I am experiencing a lack of acceptance/ unspoken judement from the older generations (5-15 years older.)Any thoughts, advice welcomed, Thanks. relatively young

I am 29 and have a 3/12 year old and a baby on the way. I have a career, my own house, a wonderful husband, and the best thing is... I still feel so young! A lot of my friends don't have kids, but guess what, my son stole my best friend from me! My kids are part of my circle of friends and we're all enriched by my family. I still go out for girls nights, still do all sorts of family things, travel a ton, and still have everything an older mom might have (a good job, house, etc). I too have found that I'm looked at as a young mom, but I'm incredibly proud of that. Maybe I don't feel as much judgement from older moms because they can sense my confidence in my decisions and my life. In 20 years, when I'm still in my late 40s, my kids are out of the house, and I am doing whatever I please, I don't think the moms who are in their 60s will be looking on me with pity. If they are now, well, maybe its just from a lack of understanding of how someone in their 20s could be so sure that they wanted a family and confident enough to make it all happen.

Believe me, there are plenty of young moms out there, a whole lot that are younger than you. And mostly, there are a lot of ''older'' moms, who would not think twice about your decisions to have kids in your 20s. I doubt as many of them are judging you as you think. Some of my mom-friends who are in their late 30s or early 40s commend me for having kids young, especially after some of the problems they had to go through to conceive. So maybe they're just thinking about how lucky you are. Anyway, be proud to be a mom, whether you're in your 20s, 30s, 40s, or whatever! another youngish mom

Get a grip, girl! As an ''elderly'' mom, 10 to 15 years older than many of the parents of my son's peers, I'd go nuts if I worried about unspoken judgements and opinions. Sure, I have some different issues than the other moms in the car pool, but we have our kids in common--there is a wonderful bond in being moms. I've felt that bond with the young mothers of infants, and with women whose children are adults themselves. Those women may in fact be looking at you and wishing they'd been able start their families at a younger age.... anon

Hi, I was very curious and surprised to see your message and other people's responses on it. I am 28, and have 2 and 4 year old children, and funny thing is that i never considered myself to be on a ''younger'' side I do come from a different culture, however, where it's more than a norm to get married right after high school and have a baby a year later (I'm from Former Soviet Union). So, believe it or not, most of my classmates were married at 17 or 18, and have kids that are much older than mine - so, I'm a minority there as well I don't know if it makes you feel better, just wanted to show the other side of the spectrum Feel free to email me. polga

Hey, youngish moms out there. I missed the first post, but wanted to tell you that 18 years ago, I was a 24 year old, single mom who moved back home to Bezerkeley to raise the baby. Even then, all the other moms (except two of my friends) seemed way older than me. But, as my son grew up, so did I -- making the age gaps between myself and the other moms more and more insignificant. During those 18 years, the age differences were over-ruled by our commonality as mothers. heather

How to meet other young parents?

Sept 2004

Hi, My husband and I moved to Albany with a 3 month old from S. Cal. We've been here for a month and my husband just started graduate school at UC Berkeley. Anyhow, I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions about how to meet other young moms/parents!? I'm a stay at home mom and am only 24 (my husband is 23)...so, we're on the younger side. I've checked into Mother's groups, but can't afford the expense to be in one. It seems sort of like a silly question, but what's the best way to meet people in the Bay area? thanks, Kelly

If you're interested in meeting other parents, try the park. At University Village, you can meet other younger parents with grad-school spouses. As your baby gets older, kindergym at the Albany Y or University Village are good options (and not so expensive). Even if you can pay for just a month or so, you will meet peolple if you make an effort. anon.

No clue -- this is part of why we're planning on moving out of state soon. Everyone we know who's having kids is at least mid- 30s. I'm a 27 year old SAHM with an 18 month old. Both my husband's boss and more than one relative assume our daughter exists because we're too stupid to know how a rubber works (um, no, not exactly....) which has led to some extraordinarily awkward conversations (''Well, it looked like a bad thing at first, but she's so cute, and you've adapted well.'' ''What?'')

I've given up. I'm the same age my mom and my aunts were when *they had kids...but today, at least in California, it seems like being a young mother is really frowned on. Sara

I just finished reading the recent postings to your request for advice and while I don't really have any suggestions on how to meet people our age with babies/toddlers (I am 29 with a 16 month old whom I wouldn't think of putting in daycare so that I could go to work), I wanted to let you know that we are obviously not the only ones in the area. Like you, the moms I have met are much, much older. Neither my husband nor I have made any great, or even good, connections with other parents. Like one of the posters, we have seriously consider moving out of the Bay Area because being a stay at home parent seems to be looked down on and we just can't compete with two income families for houses, schools, etc (plus, we have absolutely no ties to the area- no family, no close friends). It's tough- you are not alone. As for meeting other moms, I go to Gymboree, the park, etc- and hang out with my daughter...haven't met anyone that way. Mostly, I enjoy chatting with the sales people at Nordstrom in Walnut Creek. NO, I'm not at all suggesting that I have the money to spend there, but that place is the most entertaining to me these days. At least I see lots of other moms and strollers!! Good luck. Another Young Stay At Home Mom

I was startled to realize after reading the recent post on this topic that I am part of the ''Old Mom'' group. I am 38 and for a variety of reasons am now the mother of a two year old. I am friends with a 24 year old mom from my birth class. There doesn't seem to be much difference between us that I can attribute to age.

I have noticed three young stay at home moms at Memorial Park in Albany. All three were very friendly and in general it seemed like all of the moms there were open to talking. I have not had as much luck at Thousand Oaks Park. We mostly go to Memorial now.

I think that if you label a group as too old you may limit yourself from experiencing some good relationships. I hope someone wouldn't discount me just because I am (gasp!)38 Young at Heart

Young parents feeling out of place

May 2003

My husband and I recently moved to Berkeley from the deep south, where we both grew up and had a great circle of friends. We are both 23 years old and we have a two year old daughter.

Ever since we moved here, we've felt sort of ''out of place'', being much younger than other berkley parents. When I take my daughter to the park or wherever, I feel like everyone assumes I'm the nanny, just like someone mentioned in the ''mid-forties'' thread..

Walking around Berkeley, all I seem to see are people under 25 that look like ''free spirited'' college students that my husband and I feel would never want to hang out with parents of a 2-year-old -- or I see parents in their mid thirties or fourties, who we also don't have much of anything in common with (my own parents are not much older than them!).

My husband and I love every minute we spend with our daughter, but we need some friends of our own! Are there any other under 25 parents out there that can let us know how to connect with people our age? We are both in graduate school, but even the other parents at school are much older. We moved out here not knowing a single person, and we're still feeling really out of place. Help!! meg

Mine is a young student family as well and we'd love to hang out with your family- especially now that summer is upon us. We have several things in common in addition to age [i'm 24, husband is a cartoon watching 27 yr old]- we are both grad students, we have a 2 yr old son and we moved here from the South too -Atlanta. email me and we can exchange contact info and set up a time to hang out! Ruha

Yes, things are a little different here. I, too, am from the south and went through some adjustment issues when I moved here three years ago. It takes time to find your community out here. Feel free to email me. I have a child about your child's age...but alas, I'm one of those old parents you see in the park...but I do have friends your age with kids I could hook you up with. Interestingly, my friend was saying that VERY thing the other day. She wanted another dad her 25 year old husband could shoot hoops with! Esther

Believe me I feel you 100%. I too was a young mom. I had my son at age 22, but I was blessed to have several friends in college who were also going through the same thing. Don't fret. There are a lot of us out there. My son is now eight, and still to this day my husband and I find ourselves much younger than most of the children's parents my son hangs out with. We've kept in close contact with those who shared in my experience as a young parent, and have participated in multiple child oriented activities for my son to open up our circle of friends. If you're a grad student at Berkeley, I would recommend you take a active role in the Student Parent's Group at Berkeley. Their offices are in the Ceasar Chavez Center, 1st floor, and the director of the program is phenomenal-Alice. I met several mothers in this program, and many of those relationships have progressed on to much larger and meaningful frienships. I commend you for reacing out the way you did in this email. I'm sure you'll be surprised to find many young parents. We're out there, believe me. Feel free to email me anytime. monica

Well...we're not as *young* as you guys (27 and 29) but I certainly know how you feel being often much younger ourselves than a lot of parents in the area. Plus my husband and I both look younger than we are. We have an 18 month old daughter and while we've lived here in the Bay Area for 4 years now, none of our close friends have children *yet*. I've recently joined a playgroup and while the other women in it are older then me, I find that since we all have young children we do have a lot in common. But, I think my husband would really like to meet other young dads to hang out with, even to go to the park with! I one time thought of posting a message to one of the boards about starting a playgroup for parents under 30, but didn't know if that would appear rude, though I know there are playgroups for mom's over 40.

Whenever I see another young mom with her child walking around, or even at the supermarket I always want to ask her if she wants to *be my friend*, but I never have the nerve to! I even talked to this super cool girl and her baby once, but it never escalated from there. And like you we go to parks a lot too (I work part time at UCB), but I often find most of the younger ladies with kids are nannies too and I don't really need any more friends that don't have kids ( ; We go to lots of outdoor music events and always see a lot of younger parents there and always strike up nice conversations with them. I guess it just takes time.

Email me if you want to meet at a park sometime. Perhaps you'll get a lot of people writing to your post and we could all meet at a park on a Sunday or something! Jami

I am a 23 year old graduate student at Berkeley with a 6 1/2 month old baby boy and I know exactly what you are talking about. My husband and I live in San Rafael and it is possibly even worse over here! It is very frusterating to be treated like either a nanny or felt sorry for as if this was an accidental teenage pregnancy. I don't have much advice in the way of meeting more people like us because the only people I know that are our age with kids live in Los Angeles. (We moved up about a year ago...) I did, however, meet some really nice and helpful people at the Student Parent Center at UCB and they had lots of advice and resources. They were all young or young-ish and helped me to feel much more comfortable at Berkeley as a parent. Please email me if you would ever like to meet or if you find out any other helpful groups, etc... Good Luck, Lauren

I don't have an actual resource for you but just wanted to offer a few words of sympathy. I think that must be extremely hard here. I had my first baby at 26 and second at age 29 (my husband is one year older) and I also feel so much younger than other bay area parents. I also completed graduate school but feel many unspoken judgements as if I had my babies in high school and never got the chance to complete my education. I think it was even harder with the first because I looked younger than 26 but it got easier with #2 because now at 30 I look at least 35! Ahhh rapid aging and sleep deprivation do have some benefits if you are a young parent in the bay area. I have found a few older parents whom I connect well with regardless of age diff. and a few my own age just by being around many other parents these last few years. I don't think I would ever fit in a typical mom's group nor even with the majority of chit chatting in the parks. But please keep trying with the free-spirits and with the greying parents of toddlers. Many are absorbed in their own things, but I'd say there are at least some if not many who could use a new friend. Some people seem judgemental when really they might not be comfortable reaching out to someone who seems different but they might really appreciate you reaching out ( and others need to stay judgemental.) I hope someone knows of a group too. Best Wishes. Chris

You should join our playgroup! I've mentioned it here before. The moms in our group span a big age range, but several of the ''regulars'' are twentysomethings. My playgroup is open to absolutely anybody. We have a broad range of ages -- parents AND kids. Several of the ''regulars'' are twentysomethings, several are not. Many have more than one child, some don't. We try to meet weekly at various parks and attractions around the East Bay, especially Berkeley. I'd be happy to respond directly to anyone who is interested in hearing more. We always welcome newcomers! Loralee

I just wanted to say that, even though I am not a twentysomething parent (I had my first in my early thirties)I think it's terrible that you should feel judged for having children at what seems to me to be a perfectly normal age, and in my opinion, the best age, b/c you will have a) more energy, b)more time and consequently, c)a longer period to enjoy the lives you've brought into the world. In my early twenties I certainly thought I would have had my children by the time I was thirty, and though I wouldn't change a thing now, sometimes I wish I had (health reasons and other life events postponed things). I grew up here in Berkeley and I think it's only been in the recent years that there have been so many older moms, and it has been my experience that as an older mom I am the exception not the rule in the groups I hang out with.... I suggest to you that you take pride in your decision to start your family when you did, that it was a responsible and natural course for you to take. Maybe you need to make more of an effort to surround yourself with younger and/or less judgemental moms (which is unfortunate that this burden is placed on you) but believe me there are lots out there....good luck! anon