Explaining Adoption
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3-year-old: Do I have a mother?
May 2002
We are a two dad family and adopted our almost three year old two years ago through foster care. Our child recently asked if he has a mother? We replied, ''yes.'' He then asked, ''who is my mother?'' We weren't expecting this question until he was older. We started to explain that his mother was sick and couldn't take care of him, but then decided that was not the right approach because we don't want him to think that everytime one of us gets the flu he'll given away. We also think simplier answers are the best, and answering only the question he asks would be prudent, however he's a very precocious kid and the questions will likely keep coming. It is not developmentally appropriate for us to discuss the birth mother's circumstances with him and probably won't be until he is an adult. It is also very unlikely that he will meet his birth mother in the next 10- 15 years and we do not have a picture of her and likely will not be able to get one. We're feeling some anxiety because we want to protect him by doing this ''right,'' and we are both reality based and want him to understand his circumstances in developmentally appropriate ways, as this is his life. We have several questions for the group: 1) Can others who have adopted children and have had the experience of talking about these issues, share them (of particular interest would be situations where the children will not likely meet their birth parents); 2) Does anyone have books on this subject that they would recommend with good chapters on talking to your child about adoption; 3) We'd be open to hearing ideas others have as well. Thanks much.
I have absolutely no authority on this subject, but that has never stopped me before.... Anyway, I heard this lovely story from my Mother-in-law (her daughter is adopted). She told her that another mommy had him in her tummy, but he was actually meant to be with another family. So, the mommy who grew her in her tummy knew this, and when she was born, gave her to the family that she was meant to be with (her adoptive family). This makes the birth mother seem very generous, and also makes the adoptive family seem like the ''right'' family.
I have also heard parents tell their children that they are ''chosen'' children, and how lucky they are (and the parents, too). Of all the thousands of children--millions of children--in the world, they picked just the right one! How lucky is that?!
My daughter is not adopted, but has many friends who are, and she, too, knows their adopted-stories. She is jealous that they arrived in the world the way they did, and have such special families.
Anyway, good luck to you. Your kid already has a headstart, having such caring fathers as the two of you. Mary
How about some advice from a child of adoption? I ran your situation by mt husband, who is adopted. He's never met his birth family, and won't. His birth mother passed away, and his birth father abandoned him. His parents always told him the total truth, the mom that gave birth to him got VERY sick and passed away, and his the dad could not handle a baby on his own, so he found the best home possiable. My husband did not really understand then, but he really respects his parents now.
I am a teacher. I have specialize in pre-schoolers, but recently began teaching kindergarten. I have been in ivolved with MANY adopted children. It seems to me, that if your son's birth mother's situation is beyond him now, bring it to his level, as best you can, then let him grow into it. For example, ''Your birth was very very sick (Tell him- it's not like when you guys have the flu, a different kind of sickness, like in the hospital kind of sickness.) and she decided that it would be best for your son have 2 healthy parents!'' Then focus on YOU have him now, like that was always the plan, it's the happy ending to the story. Best of luck!
You're right, 3 is not at all too early to be talking about your son's adoption. And there are a lot of good resources out there to help. ''Raising Adopted Children'' by Lois Melina jumps to mind as a very good start. I'd also check out what PACER (pacer- adoption.org) and PACT (pactadopt.org) have to offer - these are both reputable, responsible, and wonderful resources.
In short, I'd advise being truthful. With a 3-year old, truthful doesn't have to mean ''warts and all,'' but it means that you shouldn't say anything you'll have to retract. For instance, ''your birthmother couldn't take care of a baby, so she made sure she found you your forever family to take care of you.'' (Notice the ''a baby'' terminology - it wasn't HIM she couldn't take care of, it was any child.) Then at age 8 or 10 or 12 or 16 or whenever, you can add details that your son will be able to understand, always building on the true story you started with.
My daughter is adopted from China, so I tell her (at 2.5) that she grew in her birthmother's tummy, but that the birthmother and birthfather couldn't take care of a baby, so they made sure she was safe and that someone would take good care of her. All true. Then I tell her that I knew my baby was out there somewhere, so I looked for her and found her in China, and that I'll be her mommy forever. I always point out different families to her so she knows she's on a continuum, and she knows that some kids' birthmothers and birthfathers are their forever parents, and some have different birthparents and forever parents. My daughter hasn't asked about meeting her birthmother yet, but I'll say that we won't be able to meet her because she wasn't allowed to tell people her name, so we can't find her. There will be a lot of grief about that over time, and I'm trying to be ready for it, to let my daughter have it and work through it. In your case, you'll have to come up with the truest, simplest explanation about why your son won't meet his birthmother (''we don't know where she is'' or ''she's too sick to see us'' or whatever).
Good luck! Hook up with other adoptive parents to check in on these questions, which will keep popping up! Nancy
I have two children adopted as infants in Guatemala, now ages 7 & almost 12. They are almost certainly never going to meet their birth mothers. The simplest statement to make to them when they are very young is ''when you were born your birth mother was not able to take care of any baby, so she made an adoption plan for you.'' It sounds a little awkward, but it's important to say ''any baby'' instead of ''you'' so your child won't think it was his fault, that he was a bad baby. It's better to say ''made an adoption plan'' instead of ''gave you up for adoption'' because ''making a plan'' sounds like a deliberate, well- thought-out and loving act, while ''giving up'' sounds hopeless and apathetic. In our case, I know almost nothing about their birth mothers, so I couldn't answer many questions. I just try to portray them as basically good people who were overwhelmed by difficult lives and made the best decisions they could for their babies. You may know things about your child's birth mother that you will not feel comfortable discussing with him for many years. I feel that way about discussing my children's birth country with them. Guatemala has a tragic history of terrible atrocities committed by Guatemalans against Guatemalans. If anyone has any advice about how to present that to kids I'd like to hear it! Melinda
Isn't it amazing how quickly they ask these things. It is tricky to explain to children why their birth parents are not raising them. The way we have talked about it in our family is that sometimes people who become parents are not able to care for a child. In our case the birthmother was involved in selecting the adoptive family so we talk about how she looked for a family that would love her child and take care of it. Every child's adoption story is unique, and you have to be honest and yet stay appropriate. If she was an addict that had her child removed from her, something simple like, ''Your birthmother (name goes here if you know it) loved you, all parents love their children. Sometimes parents cannot take care of children. When that happens families that are waiting and hoping for a child are united with the child as a family. (Name your child calls your partner goes here) and I were SO excited when (social worker's name goes here) united you with us to be a family forever and ever. I know that your birthmother wants you to be well taken care of and that is what we will always try to do.''
Eventually you will get the ''Why couldn't she take care of me?'' Two things with that questions 1 - make it clear it was not him specifically she couldn't care for, she could not care for any child properly, and 2 - don't make something up. It is OK to have questions without clear answers. ''Sometimes people can have very serious problems that make it hard for them to take care of themselves or anyone else. I don't know all the details of why (birthmother's name) couldn't take care of you. I do know that she wanted you to be well taken care of since she couldn't do it. Do you sometimes think of reasons why you think she couldn't take care of a baby?'' You'd be amazed at the ideas that they come up with, this can be a good time to air his hidden concerns. Good luck. Feel free to email me if you want.
Our approach has always been to try to stick to the truth, to keep it simple, and not to bring in details that haven't been asked for. You at least don't have the complication of explaining why your child didn't grow inside you! We basically told our two adopted children, at this age, that their mothers couldn't care for them and wanted them to have a family with a mother and father who could take care of them. Obviously, in the case of two dads, you wouldn't use exactly these words. You CAN tell him that his mother is someone you have never met and that he has not seen since he was a baby (he may be thinking it's the lady next door). You can add that some people become mothers at the wrong time. They want the best for their children but can't always provide it. Sometimes the best thing they can do is let other families raise them, etc. Just a couple of sentences may be enough at one time. He'll come back with more questions when he's digested the first answer. Even a pretty awful situation can be presented honestly but in a very limited way. (For example: Your mother just wasn't able to care for you in the way a mommy needs/wants to, so the foster care agency found us because we could take care of you; if the next question is why, you can say you're not sure because you never met her, but some mothers just can't get a job, don't have a partner to help, or have health problems that keep them from providing what a baby needs). If the truth is drugs, mental health problems, or abuse, a time will come when you feel more comfortable telling him, obviously not at this age, but maybe before full adult hood. That's a judgement call you can make later on. Sounds like you have a bright, inquisitive child--enjoy him. An adoptive mom
You asked about a book: ''Talking With Young Children About Adoption'' by Mary Watkins and Susan Fisher is widely available and discusses what children understand and feel about their adoption stories at different developmental stages. I'm a single adoptive parent of a daughter who may someday be able to meet her birthmother. The challenging questions for us have been about Dads. I'd be glad to talk to you more if you'd contact me by email - Lorraine
I already wrote some advice about explaining adoption, but I wanted to add this point I forgot last time: your son doesn't have a mom. Your son has two dads. In addition, he has a birthmother and a birthfather. It occurs to me that if, as you say, he asks if he has a mom and you say ''yes,'' that will always be confusing. He has two dads and no mom. Just as my daughter has no dad, just one mom (and our neighbors have no dads and two moms, and our friends have one mom and two dads, and ... you get the idea!). She has an unknown birthfather and birthmother, but they're not her dad or her mom. I guess that makes my 4 cents by now! Nancy
I would highly recommend you call PACT, An Adoption Alliance organization. 510-243-9460. They are having a workshop called Stepping Stones, talking with children about adoption. June 8th, 9am - 12:30pm. in Oakland. $25.00. I recently went to one of their workshops and found it to be extremely educational and addressed everyones specific situation. The women who lead it have grown adopted children and share their own experiences as well as all the families they have worked with. They deal with all colors and styles of families. They also bring a huge selection of adoption books to purchase. Chris
Let me add my 2 cents worth here. I am the single mother of my son adopted at birth who is now 5. When he was 3 he started asking about his father- where was he and why didn't he have one? Developmentally, this was the right age to asked these questions. I actually think your daughter's question relates to the make-up of your family and is not necessarily about adoption. Questions about adoption usually come later when kids start to grasp what adoption really means, around age 6. In the meantime, as everyone else has said, you need to talk opening about adoption, using appropriate concepts and language for her age. This is how I answered my son's questions: In our family we don't have a daddy, we just have a mommy. I went on to explain how different families look, etc. I did tell him that he had a birth daddy, because he is adopted. My son's questions really focused on the daddy issue, and not on adoption. So- in addition to checking out how to talk about adoption, it's good to check out developmental issues of young children in general, and then how they relate to adoption. Now- some other resources to check out- a book called Real Parents, Real Children. Another one called How To Talk To Young Children About Adoption (or something like that). Tapestry Books is a resource that focuses exclusively on adoption issues (they have a Web site and a catalog). Subscribe to Adoptive Families- a good magazine. And the last thing I want to say- I disagree with the idea of telling adopted children that their parent(s) ''chose'' them because they are so special. This could give the idea that some day they could be ''unchosen.'' I get a lot of good advice by talking with other adoptive parents who have been through or who are going through similar stages. Good luck! Mona
One other avenue you may wish to pursue is talking to adults who were adopted as children, or reading books from that perspective. As with everything, there is a range of experience available, from people who are truly angry and unforgiving regarding the circumstances of their birth/adoption, to people who feel completely happy with their adoptive families and have no desire to know anything about their birth families.
I think one of the challenges that adoptive parents face is how to be non-defensive when one of the real issues in adoption (such as the grief or anger of a child over having been given away) seems to challenge the validity of your own parenting. Giving a kid the room to face their negative feelings and grow with them, while trying to avoid projecting your own feelings over your status as a parent, can be the best gift any true parent (adoptive or biological) can give.
The three best books I read were Lost and Found & Journey of the Adoptive Self by B.J. Lifton, and Birthright by Jean Strauss. (Journey of the A.S. had some really strong stuff in it I didn't agree with, but overall, I liked it.) Both of the Lifton books deal explicitly with identity issues frequently associated with not knowing much, if anything, about your birth family.
Good luck. I'm glad to see that you are dealing with this early! Wish my adoptive parents had had the courage and resources to deal with the situation better. mm
This message is more for the other adoptive parents that responded to the dad asking for help. I just want to caution you, when you tell you children, ''Your birth mother couldn't take care of ANY baby.'' While it's a good thing to make sure that the child doesn't see this as a personal issue. However, I know many children that grew up, and met their birth parents, only to find that they birth parents had other children. So, maybe telling your child, ''You birth mother wasn't in a situation to take care of ANY bab then.'' Just a thought...
We adopted our daughter when she was 2 days old. She is about to turn 4. We have always talked to her about our having adopted her. Our daughter is very smart and full of questions and the key is keeping it all age-appropriate. I would like to recommend a book by Lois Melina (who is great in general regarding adoption) called, ''Raising Adopted Children''. I would also like to recommend going to a workshop by Jonathan Pannor. See http://www.post-adoption.org/. He does Workshops & Counseling for Parents Building Families through Adoption and I took one with him about a year or so ago that was extremely helpful for the same questions you are raising. Lori
As an adoptive mom of a 20 year old, I would do this as soon as possible. They should get some counseling first, so they can anticipate how to support her in her adjustment to this additional information about herself and her early life.
We sought help from Virginia Keeler Wolf and she was helpful for our daughter when she was about 10. http://www.attachmentadoption.net/clinicalstaff_virginia.html
Kathleen
We adopted a child at birth and have told him many many times from when he was a toddler and older , repeatedly over the years, working into conversation, rather than a big announcement. We understand that what is recommended in the literature. That normalizes it. Feel free to consult with a counselor at Adopt International in SF for a professional option.
The time has long since passed to tell her. Perhaps your family had reasons for keeping this a secret but ideally this should have been something she has known since before she even understood what adoption is. She is already clueing in to the fact that something is different (and is it possible she already knows and is dropping hints hoping that someone will be honest?) I anticipate this will likely be very hard news to deliver and for her take. With that being said, she is absolutely old enough to get the full truth and perhaps also an apology for not telling her sooner. I would highly recommend your sister/BIL consider a family therapist to help them figure out how to deliver the news and perhaps with someone who could also see their daughter as well. Perhaps this will go more smoothly than I anticipate but I would have these resources ready in case it's tough. Here are some good initial talking points too. Good luck! Sounds like she's a great kid with an amazing family.
I am an adoptive parent of a now-teenage girl, a friend of other adoptive parents, and friend of several adult adoptees. I believe your niece should be told as soon as possible. She probably should have been told long ago. Adult and teenage adoptees speak of this as a moral issue, that it is immoral not to tell an adopted child the truth, however painful. Even under the best of circumstances, adoption is based on loss, and even kids too young to form verbal memories feel that loss profoundly. If your niece had known since she could talk that she was adopted, her parents could have helped her grow into her life history in stages. Her parents may have a lot of fears about this, given their daughter's painful background, but the alternative of her figuring it out later would be far worse for her and for her forever family. (If she isn't told, she will figure it out eventually.)
There are a lot of books that can help your niece's parents. We read and reread some of them when our daughter was little, and now that she's a teenager she reads them herself. One that our kid especially treasures is Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew, by Sherrie Eldridge. Another good book is Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self, by David Brodzinsky et al. There are a number of therapists who specialize in adoption, and your niece's parents might benefit from a couple of consultations with one before broaching the subject with their daughter. Your niece's parents may want to consider how to set the stage for the initial conversation (i.e., making things as calm and comforting as possible, maybe getting a gift such as a nicely framed family photo to underscore their love and connection with your niece, etc.), how to prepare themselves for difficult and painful questions and possibly anger from their daughter, how to discuss this with their other kids (e.g., allowing your niece say when to tell them or allowing her to tell them herself, so she 'owns" the information -- whatever else happens,your niece should be told first), and being ready for and accepting of your niece's desire to interact with her biological parents and other siblings.
Ideally she would have been given this information regularly, in age-appropriate terms, from the time she was about 2.
It’s really really hard to find out about being adopted as an older child. No matter how loving your family is and how great things have been it can feel like the people you trusted the most have been lying to you your whole life.
In other words, tell her right now. Like today or tomorrow.
I am the Mom of an adopted child. In my case, the birth parents were not a couple and also did not have the financial means to raise a child. She came to us a day after she was born and has always known she is adopted. I don't understand why she hasn't been told she is adopted earlier. I would think not disclosing something so important would risk trust and identity issues for the child. Is it because the birth parents were/are incarcerated and that is somehow something her adoptive parents have been hesitant to disclose? Given that she is about turn 10, she will be able to understand that her birth parents were not able to take care of her. Isn't that the bottom line? Allow the child to ask any and all questions she needs answered. I don't think her adoptive parents should wait another day.
I so feel for your family. I'm a former adoption social worker, a current therapist and an adoptive mom. The time to tell your niece is *as soon as possible.* I'm so glad you didn't wait any longer to ask and I so appreciate the concern for her well being and the rightness of timing. I know a lot of families are afraid to tell the children, thinking it's best to wait til they are "old enough" to handle it but then that sense of "old enough" proves to be elusive or uncertain and the telling just gets put off indefinitely. The problem is, in waiting for all the best reasons, when the child learns the truth you inadvertently risk her feeling betrayed that this information central to her life and identity have been withheld from her. Also, this is a big secret to keep over so many years so the risk of someone accidentally telling her gets bigger over time. I really recommend the book "Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child." It really lays out the arguments for telling a version of the whole truth in an age appropriate way immediately, then adding detail as the child grows and/or has more questions. I'm really really sorry that the foster professionals did not provide education and guidance around this at the beginning so your family was not left to figure this out alone. I have a friend who found out accidentally in his early 20s that he was adopted and it caused a permanent rift between him and his parents --- he did feel lied to about what felt to him like the very most central fact about his life and he feels he cannot trust them at all now. That you asked and have such concern for your niece's wellbeing gives me confidence you can help navigate this situation.
Hello
My sister was adopted at birth and my mom and dad told her from the time she was bone. Something like she grew in another woman’s belly but she (my mom) was her mom. I think telling her sooner rather than later is the best bet. It will establish trust and I think the longer you hide it the worse it seems. Good luck I know it’s a very challenging subject and still holds charge for my sister.
Jen
I learned that my father wasn't my biological father when I was 18 years old. While I handled the news better than some people might, the information has caused many challenges in my sister's life - she has not been successful in maintaining long term relationships and feels that she isn't really part of our family because she doesn't have the same DNA as our dad. It's been devastating for her, despite years of therapy. Based on everything I've read and heard, tell your niece sooner rather than later. She is approaching adolescence soon and deserves to know the truth about her identity. This is her family story and it's not fair to her to keep it a secret from her - especially when so many other people in the family know. It's a sad outcome that her bio parents were not able to parent her the way she deserved, but she has a wonderful life and a full family. She is surrounded by love - that matters a lot. I suspect that she will be upset that she wasn't told sooner, especially since her questions imply she may suspect that there is information that is being kept from her. It's probably worth getting advice from a professional on the best way to share the news. Good luck.
I'm sorry to tell you but I think most people who are familiar with adoption believe 10 is very late to tell a child he or she has been adopted. When my husband and I adopted our daughter 25 years ago we were advised to talk about it from the very beginning so that the word and concept were very familiar and as matter of fact as describing her hair color. While her understanding of the concept changed and developed as she grew older and she understood more and more about her birth family, it was never a surprise to her that she came into our family differently than her sister did.
I think your sister and brother in law should consult some professionals about how to introduce this topic, and should be prepared for some anger from their daughter about not being told this information before. I think they should also seek out a professional who can talk to their daughter so she has someone she can honestly express her thoughts and feelings to. While her life is happy and full of love, adoption can bring up strong emotions around identity and belonging, especially during adolescence, and your niece and her family could probably benefit from some professional guidance about how to deal with these feelings. I recommend PACT, An Adoption Alliance as a good source of information and support for adoptive families. I wish your family the best!
I read your post carefully twice, looking for the reason that your 9-year old niece hasn't been told of her adoption. I'm an adoptive parent. For at least the last 25 years, professionals have advised that adoption be a natural topic of discussion with a child from babyhood on. For this situation, I would look for a therapist or adoption specialist to help guide your family and support your niece who may well feel resentful that she wasn't told earlier, especially since it seems it's known among your extended family. You don't say where you are, so it's difficult to suggest a particular agency or therapist.
The best timing is before they can even understand, but that ship has sailed. I was adopted at birth in the 70s and don't remember being told, because I just always knew. If your niece is starting to make those comments she already suspects something is up. Clearly your sister and brother and law didn't get counseling around this at the time of adoption, so I would encourage them to get it now. Not just about timing, but about how to do it. They probably have some baggage or expectations about how she'll react, which may or may not be true. That's why I think it would be helpful for them to talk to a therapist with experience in this area. If they don't see it as a big scary traumatic secret, then they'll be able to tell her without communicating that it's a big scary traumatic secret. Especially if her biological parents' history is not a pleasant one, a therapist can help them how to figure out how to be age-appropriate, honest, and gentle in discussing it. Families get made in all kinds of ways, and nowadays there's much more visibility and acceptance of that. It's obviously not an emergency, but there's no particular reason to wait. At this point I think the when is not the most important part (though hopefully soon), it's the how.
As an adoption social worker, I agree with what’s been said in others’ responses to you so I won’t be repetitive. I strongly advise that your niece’s parents speak with a therapist who has experience working with clients regarding adoption. Being that your niece was adopted out of foster care, she should be a client of the Adoption Assistance Program (AAP) through the county that did the adoption. Her AAP social worker can assist with resources, specifically adoption-specific therapists
All the best to your niece.
We adopted my niece (she came to us at 5 years old) and Virginia Wolf (already referenced on this thread) was invaluable during the process. One of the most helpful things (at her recc) we did was create a story of our daughter's life, with photos, real names, and timeline of how her story unfolded. It didn't go into lots of detail, but was a high-level story in which she could reference in her own privacy and also give her a jumping board for asking more questions. The book was very helpful in 1) explaining her story 2) giving her the truth 3) allows her to re-reference her story as/when needed (in example, I notice she will re-read the book whenever something relating to her bio parents happens, a visit, a phone call, etc.) while I agree with the other respondents it would have been ideal to tell earlier, it can still be done well. I suggest speaking with a professional, creating some sort of keepsake for her that she can reference privately, and taking ownership over not having told her earlier (we didn't want xyz, we were worried that xwy, etc.). Good luck!